Search Results: am i less of a virgin

30f and I really can’t tell if I’m inevitably single because I don’t want a relationship or it’s a case of self sabotage. Within the past few years, the only attention I’ve gotten from attractive guys were on dating apps. But that should be taken with a grain of salt, I feel like compared to the average woman, I don’t get attention from quality guys in person. I’m pretty shy and tend to speak when spoken to, on top of bad anxiety, I’ll say I question if women can relate to my lack of sex drive. I haven’t had sex since my early twenties/don’t masturbate and couldn’t care less if I died a virgin, will feel some kind of way if I’ve never found love though.

It’s as if I want the reassurance I’m desirable (from what seems like decent men) vs actually going out on dates, I’m insecure but wouldn’t just go for anyone that gives me the time of day. I just don’t get why it can’t ever go my way w/ the OLD apps, it’s likely bad luck but a pattern of: ghosting, fizzling out, the convo not flowing to my expectations & I dip out, just lack of interest (can go both ways) etc. I’m attracted to men, I really don’t think id date a woman but something about men at the same time turns me off (physically & personality wise). Like almost every woman I've known has been boy crazy since they were pre-teens and I never got it, I thought they were exaggerating or I was a late bloomer. Well here I am 2 decades later, my closest thing to boy crazy were celebrity crushes.

Am I looking for excuses to justify being single? Is it simply a case of being unlucky? Is there more to unpack here? Or is the right guy all it takes for it to fall into place?

Going to be extremely vulnerable here---

I just found out that I have to get a hysterectomy (removing my ovaries) done because I have stage 4 endometriosis (the most severe type). My entire uterus has scar tissue upon scar tissue. I'm still in my 20s. I haven't found my forever partner, still a virgin. 3 doctors now have advised me to get it done so it won't spread to my lungs or liver or cause them to remove my bowels all together too.

I know it will be for the best. But im scared that when I do get a boyfriend, he will be disappointed he won't be able to see my growing belly, or rub my belly and he might view me less of a woman. I'm really at a cross road here. Its extremely uncommon for a woman in their 20s with no children to have one.

The only positive I see is that I won't have a period anymore, but I feel like a freak and I will be at the mercy of someone else to carry my child and what if I say something one day they don't like and they take it out on the baby? this is something that worries me. Can I please get insight from the girls AND guys on this one