If your girlfriend/wife said that she couldn't have a child naturally and could only use a surrogate to have a baby, is that a deal breaker?

[jackieistired]

Going to be extremely vulnerable here---

I just found out that I have to get a hysterectomy (removing my ovaries) done because I have stage 4 endometriosis (the most severe type). My entire uterus has scar tissue upon scar tissue. I'm still in my 20s. I haven't found my forever partner, still a virgin. 3 doctors now have advised me to get it done so it won't spread to my lungs or liver or cause them to remove my bowels all together too.

I know it will be for the best. But im scared that when I do get a boyfriend, he will be disappointed he won't be able to see my growing belly, or rub my belly and he might view me less of a woman. I'm really at a cross road here. Its extremely uncommon for a woman in their 20s with no children to have one.

The only positive I see is that I won't have a period anymore, but I feel like a freak and I will be at the mercy of someone else to carry my child and what if I say something one day they don't like and they take it out on the baby? this is something that worries me. Can I please get insight from the girls AND guys on this one

Yes

No

Updates

1 y

I can freeze my eggs before the procedure. And use a gestational surrogate. A gestational surrogate, just carries your eggs + partners sperm = baby. She has no genetic say in the process. It won’t be any of her genes. It would just be my genes and my husbands. But I don’t know if my husband would be okay with jerking off into a cup and I keep seeing news reports about fertility clinic about messing up eggs and giving the wrong babies.

[fartingspinster]

This is a female opinion, so im sure it won't be a true males perspective.
This is the way I see it though- im in my 30s and I haven't found my partner yet either.

Constantly worrying about my internal clock, and came to the realization... its okay if I meet him later in life and we only have 1-2 kids rather than the 4 -6 I originally wanted to have (lol).
Even more recently, and crazy to even say this because I never thought id consider this, im okay never meeting a partner and then just adopting as a grandmother (foster type situation but I adopt them).

Us females are quite lucky in that we can develop a strong connection with kids that aren't even our own and treat them like ours.

Men...(some) seem to have an internal need to pass on their genetic pool. I've heard it countless times "if I dont have a kid, the family name will end with me" some take it as far as needing a boy and not just a girl.

For those men especially, not having their own kid is a deal breaker.
Luckily you have your eggs frozen!! That's amazing actually, im glad they were able to do that for you. And more and more IVF treatments are being used (surrogates included). Our world is changing so much its normalized.
I dont think you should worry about carrying the child yourself. If she's a surrogate and you vetted her properly, she'd love being pregnant and love kids. She wouldn't do that. And there are contracts that ensure she eats properly, she goes through the pregnancy the way you want her to (even sometimes down to what she eats... I. e if your religion doesn't allow for beef or pork products, well she won't eat that also).

I think you may just have to worry about the expense though. Its expensive to get a quality surrogate and the doctors are expensive also. Hopefully you have lots of money or the guy will too 😅

My answer is long, but all I want to say is - there are men out there that value the partner more than the kid. The partner is the foundation to a happy family when the kids come, so kid or not that is there most important choice. Other men just want the kid and vet a partner based on social norms (can she get pregnant, will she be a good mother) etc.
The former will accept all that you are and find a way (surrogate, adopt, no kids?). The latter probably won't.

And please dont feel like a freak or less of a woman. You are a fucking survivor and you have eggs frozen! Look at Jennifer Aniston, she was America's hottie for so many years, she wanted kids but due to life situations and not thinking to freeze her eggs she never had a kid. And now she advises every girl to freeze her eggs to not close any doors. So cancer or not, this is an issue for a lot of females right now.

Life is throwing you a curve ball, its time to sit with yourself and shed what society likes to tell us is normal and find your own unique normal. And embrace it!
And a woman born a woman never loses her femininity and womanhood just because her ovaries and uterus are gone. There's so much depth to us - you will only start to understand what femininity and feminine power is ❤️
I wish you all the best!!

[jackieistired]

Really needed this. Thank you. 🥹

[fartingspinster]

❤️❤️

[dustybiker2]

This isn't a question.
This is a significant medical issue that leaves you little to no choice.
What it will do is lead you to a better type of man, if patient, and cut out all the crap people.
Be genuine, honest and stay positive. You'll stumble across him.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.
Have you joined support groups? They can be such a comfort. Especially when you can help others back. Empowering.

[jackieistired]

I’m trying to find support groups but I just keep crying all the time and having nightmares and i try to contact people through like Facebook forums and stuff but I get no response and stuff, I feel really alone in this

[jackieistired]

But thank you 🩷

[fartingspinster]

Dm me @jackieistired 💔

[dustybiker2]

Okay try specific forums. I can't speak for facebook as I never joined it. I look for old school site forums, that is where I have always found the lovely people with specific feedback for what I've gone through.
Go in with that honesty. You feel alone and share your fears. They will lift you lift up.

I would check these out:
https://endometriosis.net/forums

community.whattoexpect.com/.../...osis-ladies.html

This one is in uk but who cares when its support
https://www.endometriosis-uk.org/online-community

https://worthywarrior.com/

[AI Opinion]

Your situation is no joke, sweetheart. It's normal to fear rejection, but a real partner will value you for who you are, not just for your ability to carry a child. Your battle with endometriosis shows both strength and resilience. Surrogacy is a beautiful testament to the lengths you'd go for your future family. It's a twist in the road, not a dead end. Trust me, the right guy will treasure your journey and not just your growing belly. 😊

[DishLady]

After having a hysterectomy, you have to double down on activities and diet that prevent osteoporosis, ok? That's more essential than the question of whether or not you can crank out a baby. A guy who can't know and appreciate that is not for you.

Having said that, I'm a little surprised that 70% of those who voted chose "No" because in reality guys look for any little thing to claim there's a deal breaker/red flag that's causing them to stall on making things permanent with you. Just be careful and take care of yourself as a priority.

[AviatorTom]

Some men might consider it a deal-breaker, but if you are okay with your man's sperm being used with another woman's eggs to produce a child, and the man loves you, it's not a deal-breaker. Adoption is also an option.

There's more to a relationship than having children.

[sawno]

I can see why some would take issue with this, but personally for me its not a problem. I seek a good mother more so than someone who can give birth.

Lets be in a bit of a selfish mindset for a moment since I know it will apply to a decent group. Lets say the guy doesn't particularly care about the hassle of raising children or like me does not think this will be a good world for children to grow up in. The side effect that you have is completely risk free sex. No, oops we forgot the condom, pregnancy scares, etc. In the moments the guy does not want children that is a plus since he can just enjoy being intimate with you without precautions and hoping you didn't forget the pill.

Now the selfless mindset, the guy does want to do his part and have children. Yes, having a child with the dna of his partner would have been a big plus. But at the same time your very considerate and caring in this post, which means you do have what he will ultimately want. And that's a partner who can raise children well. Even if the biological mom is someone else you'd make for that great mom he needs and for me personally that's all i'd ask.

So ultimately very bluntly its a trade off, you trade the concept that your child has your partners DNA for the lack of pregnancy risk. Will be very individual to the guy, but I think many will be ok with this and still love you for who you are but you should be up front about it so you end up with a guy like that and not a very DNA driven guy so to speak.

I do want to encourage you to go trough with this because it sounds inevitable and the longer you wait the more severe the consequences. Trust that there will be an amazing guy who will love you.

[sawno]

Reading the comments there is an option I did not expect. I wrote this as if it was already to late and egg freezing is not an option. If egg freezing is an option I really don't think many guys will mind at all. They still get to reproduce with you, even if its by proxy so they fertilize your eggs. They get risk free sex with you without having to worry about unwanted pregnancy's. The only thing they don't get is that its your belly. I don't see why that specific part would be that important to them, since the valuable parts, DNA, motherlyness and sex are all there.

[TheSpaceGnome]

I don't want kids, so its a box checked in my opinion.
Being a virgin is also a box checked.
No periods isn't really a box per say, but its certainly not a downside.

I just want a relatable woman who will make creative art and tech projects with me, and play and make video games with me, and have lots of weird pets and run a business from home together, and have carefree sex with, so being sterile is valued.

If I ever did have a kid, I'd prefer to adopt because I can pick an exceptionally smart and gifted 5 year old to teach my skills and knowledge to, instead of relying on the crapshoot that is natural gene combination and having to change dirty diapers. 🤢

Endometriosis does sound scary though, If the uterus is removed before it spreads to other organs, does it spreading drop to a zero chance? Or can it spontaneously reappear in another organ years later?

Is it pathogenic? or genetic? or the result of a poisoning?

If I knew after the surgery she would be ok, I'd be fine. Otherwise I'd worry constantly about her..

[jackieistired]

You made some good points but I’m just a bit worried about the process of going into menopause in my 20s. Because this procedure will do that. I’m going to have little to no sex drive, vaginal dryness and all that, before I even started. But at least for him, he won’t have to worry about knocking me up unless we go to a clinic and do a bunch of work with a team. Sigh

[jackieistired]

And I’m the first one to have it in my family, and it can even spread to your Brain in rare cases

[TheSpaceGnome]

So its actually a myth that menopause causes a loss in sex drive and dryness. Most women who go through menopause end up having higher sex drives because they can be spontaneous about it, and vaginal secretions are not governed by the overies, but rather mucus membranes.

What can happen is a dip in estrogen can make you lose water faster (almost as fast as guys do) because testosterone is diaretic and estrogen is edemic.
And if you let it, that dehydration can dry your vag out, but you can also just drink more water to avoid that. Men have to drink more water than women to stay hydrated because of us having less estrogen and more testosterone. Failure to do this gives men deep voices by drying out the larynx.

Can it spread after the hysterectomy though if it hasn't already spread before that? Or is it just a risk of spreading while the uterus is still in there?

[Hobobobo]

You don't need lots of guys to want a relationship with you. You just need the right one. Yes, this will be a dealbreaker for many men. That just helps you narrow down more quickly which one is for you.

There are still many men for whom this is NOT a dealbreaker. It wouldn't be for me, and I know there are many others who feel similarly.

This is difficult. This will most likely present additional unforseen challenges in the future, but you will get through it. This doesn't disqualify you from a happy and fulfilling life and a healthy, happy, and loving family.

I pray your surgery goes well with no complications.

[Kaneki05]

No but I don't want a kid. So if your looking for those who want kids and would they be bothered by it I've got no answer.

There are weird guys out there who need to have kids that are genetically there's for whatever reason. So probably would be a deal breaker for them.

But hopefully there is guys who are willing to adopt. If that's what you want.

Personally I would only maybe have a kid if it was adoption and they were already pasted the more dependent kid state. Though that's a compromise really.

[Anonymous]

Not in this case, but otherwise yes. The ASSUMPTION most guys are going to make in most cases is the woman doesn't want to put her body through the sacrifice/trauma of carrying a child and giving birth. And that SUGGESTS she cares more about her appearance than the child she supposed to mother. And that is BIG red flag.

Obviously not applicable in your case though.

Speaking as a guy I'd say most guys would prefer the child to come from you. After all, that gives you genetic ties to the child. But what's most important is that you are able to nuture the child. The child will still have HIS genetics if you just rent someone else's womb and that should satisfy most guys (this is assuming he doesn't want to adopt). And there are still plenty of guys that'd be ok with that.

[Shiprex]

Sorry to hear you have to make this choice but I suspect for you it is the right one. There is no absolute NEED for a child to be from you and that anyone who sees you as less of anything is not a good person for it. That's not a good man.

Like others have said and the poll shows most men wouldn't find it a deal breaker and there are some who may not want kids as well. IF you want kids though is it ok that they aren't biologically yours? I don't get that it would be for you so there shouldn't be any fear for you that this would be an issue as long as it's not something you're afraid to tell potential suitors.

JFI There are also more and more men who are infertile these days and that for them is also harrowing but shouldn't detract from their other qualities.

[nawtee_me]

Save your eggs before you have the surgery so the child will at least have your genes. As long as it is an ho est “I can’t have kids” like your situation then it would not matter to me. However, if it is a “I don’t want to have kids and mess up my figure” then that would be a deal breaker….

[jackieistired]

Ya I’m looking into freezing my eggs before the surgery

[trumpetplayerforlife]

If I am truly loves you it won't matter me and my husband are straggling with issues because of my hormones and have had the talk about if we can't that he told me I'm enough and I know a lot of men will be okay with it

[RandomUser1000]

See if you can freeze your eggs before if possible.

It's probably a deal breaker for some guys.

But I think most guys would be okay with it if they care enough about you.

[RandomUser1000]

@jackieistired

Is this why jackie is tired?

[MrOracle]

My girlfriend is in a similar situation (or was, years ago), but I never planned on having kids, so there's no pressure from me.

[fantasticass]

I went through the same in 1985. I've never had children because of my endometriosis. You will have a fantastic life without having children. It's a bonus to not have kids. Listen to your doctor's. They are correct.

[jamesgoldman]

Not at all

I mean my genetics are fucked so adoption it is

[knottyguy]

OI course! It's not her fault that she can't conceive. If the 2 of you strongly desired to have a child, it's either by surrogate or adoption.

[Joshydavid25]

Yeah, it's fine.. I would love the woman, and not her ability to have children.. Even though I want children of my own, I wouldn't mind a surrogate situation..

[Nightmoon23]

It really depends would you let the guy make the baby the natural way with the surrogate or have to do it a different way?

and when they are for that they can’t do anything to the baby legally.

[jackieistired]

A different way. I would have to freeze my eggs before they do the surgery and my husband will have to a sperm sample and then they do whatever and then both of our DNA will be in the surrogate. The surrogate wouldn’t have any DNA attached, she would just be carrying the baby for us

[Nightmoon23]

That could be an option to would you also let option 1 happen too?

[jackieistired]

No I wouldn’t let him sleep with another woman.

[Nightmoon23]

That’s good I guess

[NicholasRedone]

Personally, don't want offspring. So I'd not give up condoms and not give up BC. However - if she wants offspring, I'm not her man. 🤭😜

[andreasderjuengere]

It had never been my goal to... ''breed''.

To me - how can a ''deal'' be broken when it's not even made?

[jahaims]

I wouldn't enter a relationship knowing she is infertile but if it was something that developed while she was with me then it's not a deal breaker.

[jackieistired]

I would be able to have kids but I would need basically a whole team to help and it wouldn’t happen naturallly. But I’m looking into freezing my eggs so I can just implant it into a surrogate with my partner later on. I just wouldn’t have the body part to carry the baby

[Professor-college]

I would worried about the money. If we could afford that... it wouldn't make me love her any less

[Drumlin2001]

If you find the right person it won't matter to him.

[LiamJHayden]

I'm congenitally sterile so her not being able to have a child would not affect me in the slightest.

[Notherndude84]

I would want to make a woman pregnant and maybe we could have a mff type relationship. The baby would have 2 moms

[RedThread]

No. I don't even know if I'd ever want kids.

[RingOfFire]

If I love someone, there are no deal breakers.

[Anonymous]

If I were a guy that would not be a deal breaker for me

[Smegskull]

Can you not get your eggs frozen before the procedure?

[jackieistired]

You can!

[RedInnocent69]

Hmmm, could it still be her eggs my sperm?

[jackieistired]

Ya, but it just be another woman carrying it. It wouldn’t have her genetics at all. It would be my eggs and my husbands sperm mixed in and she would just carry it in her womb. It’s called a gestational surrogate.

[RedInnocent69]

Absolutely, then

[Ariesman81]

Your options will be fewer.

[beefcakebradybatson]

At 71, I'm not looking to be a father !!!

[MasterKS]

Its personal choice.