Years ago I saw a sign that I found very funny and disturbing at the same time:
It is true that each person is unique. But if everyone is unique, isn’t it also true that no one is? This represents an interesting paradox. We are all different yet we are all the same. There are two dilemmas here. On the one hand, we might worry that there is much less that sets us apart from others than we thought. On the other, being unique often sets us apart too much. After all, uniqueness and fitting in are opposites. How does the genuinely unique person cope?
As a teacher I get to observe many other teachers in action. Far too many of them rigidly enforce conformity, especially among younger students. Spontaneity and deviation are crushed in the name of discipline and control (it is the rare teacher who can encourage spontaneity without the class spiraling out of control). We are all taught at an early age that being different is bad. Soon, children enforce conformity on their own. Uniqueness is punished.
Suppressing uniqueness to fit in may reduce or even quench it. Flaunting uniqueness will invite additional grief. There is a middle ground whereby unique people learn to fit in enough to reduce hardship without giving up the talents and thinking that makes them unique. I have known many students who seem ordinary on the outside yet have extremely fertile and creative minds capable of truly original thoughts and ideas.
In my own case, not fitting in was not that traumatic. Even as a child, I had no respect for those who harassed me and so I didn’t care what they thought. I made that clear to them publicly. Fortunately for me, physical intimidation was rare. I was also blessed with a large group of good friends. They were also outsiders, each in their own way, so we did not feel the need to fit in within our own group. I won’t offer up this example as a form of advice; this was not really under my control. What I can suggest is that outsiders cannot afford to shun other, decent outsiders even if they are very different from you.
One danger in being unique is the allure to be drawn into a group of like-minded people. In the 80’s, a large number of easily identifiable sub-cultures sprang up. Members of each group dressed and talked and thought alike. They prided themselves on their uniqueness, measure solely by how different they were from ordinary society. Ironically, this was a form of strict conformism.
Now, the Internet has made possible many thousands of sub-cultures. Those who deviate even slightly from the group’s norm, they can easily find another group that fits them better. Members of the group echo the same ideas back and forth endlessly until their groupthink becomes absolute and their members lose their personal identities. They live in the worst of both worlds: they are utter conformists who do not fit in with anyone outside of their miniscule niche. Since they are cut off from alternative viewpoints, they become convicted of the infallibility of their ideas and beliefs, even as they spout complete nonsense. You know the type.
The people who have changed the world are unique, exceptionally so. It’s fair to say that they did not fit in and likely that they suffered for it in their youth. If you aspire to change the world, don’t be surprised or dismayed by all the grief you get for being different. You have chosen a very difficult and painful path. The grief you will get is the price you pay for real change to even be possible.
If you currently suffer in school for being who you are, bear in mind that this is temporary. Once you become an adult you will have the freedom to choose the company you keep, the managers you work under, and the spouse that you marry. There will always be those who ridicule you for being different, but they won’t matter. For one thing, these small minds will be beneath you socially and economically. Those who think for themselves will admire you.
I commend the “It Gets Better” campaign and this message. I believe the message needs to be extended beyond the LGBT community to all outsiders. Whatever torments you suffer now will end in time. Sooner or later you will be free to walk away from your tormenters. After that, most of the people you find to be interesting and worthwhile will feel the same way about you.
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pretty much, uniqueness is something that can isolate you, but also bring you to those who are likeminded. it's quite the paradox, everyone trying to be unique either become crazy or realize that it's good to not be entirely different from everyone else.
on the note about school there is SO much room for improvement in pretty much every category. but especially in elementary schools. urgh.
We honor unique achievers while at the same time punish people who are like them before they become achievers. If you read about the lives of unique achievers, they tend to be pretty hard, especially when young.
I taught in an elementary school briefly and had serious problems with discipline. I couldn't bring myself to force everyone to behave the same way. I found I identified more with the "troublemakers" who could not bring bear conformity than with the well-behaved!
A little nugget of wisdom.
A classic take on this question. I especially enjoy the guy at the very end who says "I'm not!"