Ok, so, first of all, as @meatballs21 said, "compatibility" is a huge and intangible issue. It's like finding an ideal dance partner, or an ideal conversationalist, or an ideal partner in any number of other pursuits with a huge number of subtle and complex aspects -- you just *can't* properly judge that sort of compatibility, beyond a very crude base level, without a certain level of experience.
In other words, honestly, no one gets that sort of thing right the first time.
Is it possible to be "satisfied" with one and only one partner, simply as a result of having no one else to whom to compare that one partner? Well, perhaps -- but, for anyone with any semblance of a high sex drive, I really doubt it.
Also, if two people have mismatched desires (in intensity, taste, or both) -- something that may have stayed under the rug 100 years ago, but which will DEFINITELY come out in this day and age of uninhibited discussion and porn and all that -- again, that's the sort of thing that will inevitably lead to growing and explosive resentment.
Remember, sexual compatibility is one of the VERY few things that you CAN'T GET FROM ANYONE ELSE in yr life.
Basically, these are the things you HAVE to get FROM YR PARTNER:
• Sexual compatibility
• Shared values with which to raise children (if you want children)
• Mutual emotional/logistical support
That's pretty much IT.
Everything else -- like "shared interests" -- is HUGELY overrated in a marriage. You can get that sort of stuff from friends, family, and/or business contacts.
Also, you SHOULD have things that you get from yr friends/family that you don't get from yr partner. After all, you don't want to inadvertently squeeze yr friends out of yr life, or make them redundant.
(If you don't want children, that removes the second of these -- leaving sexual compatibility as 50% of the most essential qualities.)
__
And then there's what I consider the MOST important reason to have a sex life before deciding to commit to someone for the long haul, which is sexual COMMUNICATION.
Basically, what I mean by that is this:
The way someone treats you, and interacts with you, as a lover... tells you TONS of things about
• him,
• how he feels about and respects women in general,
• how he feels about and respects YOU in general.
When people are intimate with each other, they have their guard down, in lots of different ways. Their everyday defense mechanisms are down, in all sorts of ways that are carefully guarded at just
about every other time in life.
• Are you dealing with a man who's fundamentally selfish and ultimately unconcerned with you? Then that WILL show in the way he treats you, yr needs, and yr orgasm. He'll be unconcerned with you and yr pleasure throughout yr intimacy. He won't be empathetic; he won't "read" you, to see whether you're experiencing enjoyment or pleasure or thrills; he'll just "get his".
Sure, you might see these things in his behavior anyway, non-sexually -- but, it might take months or years for him to give it away.
• Are you dealing with a man who's fundamentally inflexible, and won't allow YOUR priorities to have equal input with his?
Then that will also show in the bedroom -- HE will always be the one who "draws the lines" and sets the boundaries and says what you will and won't do TOGETHER, and he won't be willing to listen to YOUR ideas and fantasies and boundaries and ideas.
Again, you'd *eventually* see this outside the bedroom... but how long is
"eventually"? Months? Years?
• Are you dealing with someone who actually hates women?
Then you'll see it. You'll see it when he's disgusted at the thought of being intimate during yr menstrual period -- a time when a man who loves women would be happy to just throw down some towels and make sweet (and bloody) love to you.
You'll see it when he gets turned off, or even afraid, at the thought of female fantasies that don't work like male fantasies -- at the thought that women might (*gasp*) have a sexuality of our own, that doesn't work in exactly the same ways that men's does, and that doesn't work in the same ways that porn (which is made to extract $$$$ from men) does, either.
• Are you dealing with a "confident" man whose confidence is actually all fake, and who's actually a prissy douchebag inside?
Oh, you'll discover that IMMEDIATELY, as soon as you issue a few little challenges to him in the bedroom. An ACTUAL confident man would savor that sort of thing, but a little
pissy boy posing as an "alpha" would have a snitty sniveling reaction instead.
You get me.
There are 1290469513864 different things you can find out RIGHT AWAY about a man in the bedroom, that would possibly take months or years to find out through more worldly means. It's like a shortcut to the REAL guy.
The only thing you have to be careful about is if you have the tendency to attach huge emotional significance to sexual encounters (i. e., if you'll fall hopelessly in love BECAUSE you have sex).
This happens to some women -- and some men -- and not to others. If you are honestly the type who will probably be vulnerable to it, then you should wait until you're in a solidly committed relationship to get intimate with someone -- but I'd still say it's a fool's bet to wait until you've actually signed a marriage contract.
Tx for the MH luv <3
Yah, that was my last point -- Be true to yrself, and don't let anyone rush you faster than yr own pace.
But, just make sure that it really is YOUR (and yr partner's) pace.
All too often I see girls trying to make their boyfriends wait on some sort of pre-ordained "schedule" -- like 10 dates, or 3 months, or 1 year, or... X dates or Y amount of time or whatever.
The problem with that sort of thing is that it's just completely arbitrary -- it doesn't prioritize any actual intimacy that you've achieved as a couple, and it has a tendency to frustrate *both* parties.
No matter what, you should make sure you're making decisions that are based on YOU, not based on arbitrary mileposts.
Good luck!
@Actress78 and this is where I conveniently quote myself
"that was my last point -- Be true to yrself, and don't let anyone rush you faster than yr own pace"
__
Get up on the wrong side of the bed today, did we?
I doubt if there still exists one on this site but I couldn't care less. At least in my country, there are still some.
They are a dying breed, and have been for a while. At your age you are more likely to find one then if you were single, looking for one at age 25.
At your age I was willing to wait, but by 21, I would not have been, and living my life again, I wouldn't have waited at 17. At least not to be sexual. For intercourse, I would probably be willing to.
Regarding your update: compatibility is rarely about anatomy (though it occasionally is). It's far more often about, from most to least:
- desired frequency of sex
- desired way of handling when one person is in the mood and the other isn't
- desired sex acts
- desired style of sex (who is dominant, who isn't, if either)
Sometimes these are major issues right from the start of a sexual relationship. It's also not that uncommon for things to be okay at the beginning - a lower drive's drive might be high during the 'honeymoon' phase, and people are more willing to indulge the others desires. As things become more routine, as life gets busier (kids etc) people are less and less willing to stretch beyond their own preferred range.
There really is quite a range in how often people -actually- want to have sex, and a big range in how easily people who weren't in the mood are able to cheerfully or not get in the mood.
To make you feel better (relatively better at least) these men always have been a dying breed.
Having sex is a much lower notion for the brain than saving it for marriage, and by lower here I mean it is much closer to the instinct, where saving it for marriage is a higher more sophisticated notion, distant from instinct.
It is much easier for a man to stay close to his instinct, over accepting a higher level notion, let alone upholding it.
We also know that when we want to talk about humans in general, the bigger portion of humans will always choose downhill over uphill.
An easy road is always more appealing.
Bear in mind that all what I stated above does NOT mean that every single man who chooses sex before marriage is automatically a weak one or anything like that. There can be many cases where a man can have a very strong resolve and still choose sex before marriage. It's just that when we need to talk about a gender as a whole, we can only state arguments that are as broad as possible, otherwise we fall into generalization and sexism and many other problems.
(Note that what I presented above applies to humans in general, and not just men)
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I was never those except for my first girlfriend who actually initiated sex and broke up with me. I would have waited at that point.
I found over the course of subsequent girlfriends that I actually fall in love in the bedroom. It's like I'd be happy to wait until marriage for a girl I'm in love with, but I can't seem to fall in love with a girl with whom I've never slept.
It's not really about the sex. I just discover (or not) in those most intimate moments what kind of bond we have. The two women I fell in love with (married the second) felt like kindred spirits in that context.
It would have been easy for me with my wife if I had slept with her *one time*, enough for me to fall in love, and then we decided to wait not to do it again until marriage.
I think in my case, if I married that first girlfriend when I was a virgin and willing to wait back then, I would have married a girl I only thought I loved. That whole idea that I was "in love" back then was pure fantasy, and probably our marriage wouldn't have been so great.
It's hard once you've slept with some girls and realize a more realistic form of love in a relationship that involves sexuality to marry some girl with whom you've never slept.
So I think probably it's easiest for guys who are still virgins to do this, but they might end up marrying a girl they don't actually love (though they wouldn't know it since they'll have never slept with any other girl to compare how strong of a magical connection two lovers that are completely compatible can have in the bedroom).
As for love and abstinence, no offense to those who choose this lifestyle and have either been with no partners or only one partner for their entire life, but I feel like they have about as much authority to talk about love and sexuality as a priest vowing celibacy on sexuality.
Sexuality and love are all interconnected at least for me, and the varying degrees of love a man feel now seem impossible to me to appreciate at its apex without that intimate experience between multiple lovers (and discovering how different things can be). One can never understand the most passionate feelings possible here of being most madly in love with only one partner in their entire life, unless they happened to hit jackpot.
Nope. Not me. Far too risky. Divorces are very expensive and often very messy. Divorces often end in huge regret. I would never risk that.
Besides, waiting until after marriage means you won't know if you're sexually compatible until after marriage, if you're not sexually compatible it's likely be a sexless marriage. Which could easily lead to divorce.
There is risk in marriage even if you explore each others sexuality before hand...
There are some guys that are willing to do that, but thats really rare i would say myself. It would also be considered the old tradition as more people think that, but now a days people would want to have a relationship and have sex to see if they are compatible and if not then they just break up if they are not and stay as friends (or maybe not)
I would probably say its not a breed, as its more like how they are brought up and how their family teaches them, whether it is the new tradition or the old or which he/she likes to do
There are, but personally I wouldn't. What if you two are completely incompatible? What if the woman was lying and won't even have sex after marriage, or if she will then rarely? So many things could go wrong with this.
I do agree with you, but I also see it as if you're with someone you plan to marry, you should probably work those things out first, otherwise you have no business get married anyhow. Someone worth marrying will be worth working out your horrible sex life with. I think their are a lot of steps that can be taken prior with lots of discussion and understanding between the two of you.
@amarahorrorstory some things just can't be worked out on. You can't "work" on a person who's libido is just totally different from yours. A certain amount of sex for one person might just bee too much for someone else.
I know, but I imagine if you're close enough to someone to spend the rest of your life with them. You'd know a little about their libido before you say "I do".
@amarahorrorstory that is how it should be guy often couples never talk about it and end up miserable.
Well most people who are miserable have bigger problems than their sex life.
@amarahorrorstory they could be miserable exactly because of their sex life.
Again, that's something they could easily find out about each other prior to marriage that doesn't necessarily require them to have sex. If you're gonna marry someone, expect to work out issues, regardless of what they are, which just might be sex. Talk to a therapist or something, if they lack that much chemistry they should be able to detect it long before they get hitched.
@amarahorrorstory that is all sound reasoning of course but it doesn't always work in practice.
Well, there's a whole world of sexual activities out there, they'll find something.
Maybe but only if:
1. She hasn't already done sexual things with other men outside of marriage
2. She can openly and honestly talk to me about her sexdrive and what sort of kinks she would/wouldn't be willing to try in the bedroom. This way I can at least try to establish compatibility before going foward.
3. She's not the type who wants a super extravagant wedding with tons of people.
They exist, in small numbers, moving in misguided herds.
As for compatibility: if you've never had sex it's hard to explain. It's not entirely dissimilar to how you get along really well with some people and others you'd never be friends with. Some people you have an awesome time in bed with and others it's just a tragedy.
"As for compatibility: if you've never had sex it's hard to explain. It's not entirely dissimilar to how you get along really well with some people and others you'd never be friends with. Some people you have an awesome time in bed with and others it's just a tragedy."
^^ Well said.
The "tragedy" thing, you learn to head off after a couple of experiences, too -- you learn to see the tells / red flags, which you couldn't possibly have seen when you had zero experience.
But, beyond that... yep, this kind of compatibility is an exquisite thing indeed.
Also, the *communication* that takes place during GOOD sex can teach you more about someone in 45 minutes than you'd otherwise learn about him in 45 months.
@redeyemindtricks communication during sex? All I know about sex is from porn so I'm kinds naïve about all these relationships formed during it. I really don't get how talking undressed can beat talking and months of getting to know each other. Thanks for your help.
I'll post it as my own opinion
@redeyemindtricks thanks
Weakness all too often gets the best even of men who would have deemed it noble to wait. All the same, sex is just one of many necessary building blocks of a marriage, not a courtship. Any who would demand sex during the courting phase as a condition of being with the other at all are selfish pigs - unfit for either sex or companionship.
Sorry. I already did and now I'm not available :(
I meant to say I already waited till marriage (so did my wife) but now we're married.
I respect your thinking. Perhaps I'll propose to you in the next life. I hope you'll accept. I promise you I'm not a bad person.
Haha. And hopefully, our ages will be much closer in the next life.. haha.. otherwise, they'll send me back here.
Hi there. Just a dude waiting for marriage. Yes, we still exist. We're just the ones who get shamed now, for some reason.
I don't feel like it's that smart to do in my opinion. If one person wants sex 7 days a week and the other wants it 2 times per week, then that's obviously going to cause issues at some point. Or one person might be super adventurous in the bedroom and the other person just can't get into that. It's a fairly significant part of the relationship to just assume it will go perfectly fine.
Yes, there are many. Though they may not be as apparent.
it also depends on the social setting and location.
I don't get the compatibility thing either.
I would never marry someone that I hadn't had sex with. Sex is a very important piece of the puzzle so I would like to see the entire picture in advance.
I am a virqin and saving it for marriage, and you thank god I am still a virqin 😂
here's my question for your die hard virgins..
how long is the time span between becoming official boyfriend/girlfriend until marriage?
3-5 years like most couples? (educated guess)
Yes. Most of them are usually virgins themselves though.
No. For the same reason I wouldn't buy a car without test driving it.
Especially if I could not change that car.
But you were asking about sex.
Of course marriage is about other things. Would you marry someone you'd never met or spoken to? Of course not. These things are important in a marriage. And whether you like it or not, so is sex.
No. I wouldn't. We could be great friends, but marriage is a life long commitment. I wouldn't be prepared to take that step unless I knew how that part of our relationship was going to be.
You're a child, so you don't know shit about shinola.
That's not thinking with my dick. It's being smart. And if you knew how many divorces happened because one or both partners was sexually miserable, you might learn a thing or two.
I can only fully fall in love after having sex. I love sexxx.
I don't wait until marriage and I will never get myself married at all.
Virgin men are a dying breed it's because women for the most part don't want a guy that's a virgin. Even though they are virgins themselves.
im a virgin and i will have sex after marriage with only my wife
Are you inviting creeps on here 😶?
Anyways
Nope
I'm not 😶
But I'm craving a girl for something serious :P
It's hard to find at my age though so I guess I'll hit on older girls 🙈
sure there are, but I'm not one of them (never say never, but it's not what I've planned. to late anyway)
i can't speak for other men but im not going to wait until marriage.
I willing to wait until marriage to have sex.
NB: not with you,
Most people don't wanna get married so there is no point of waiting I guess
Well, it would suck if your husband had a 3 inch penis.
No, because of the mentality. I will wait several years, but I will not "wait until marriage"
no.. either spread your legs once in a while or get lost
Come on, sex isn't THAT special. Jesus.
I dont think there's many these days to be honest
Not many, but there are some out there
I'll wait for you baby
I don't know. It has a mind of its own.
I'll have a talk with him.
Well after a long talk he said that he couldn't wait.
Wut if my tongue remains a virgin tho? That's close enough isn't it?
You have such a way with words.
Yeah there is filler.
I'm waiting for marriage
They're a dying breed but they do exist
Why we should wait?
Jesus wacthes you.
I wait :)
*raises hand*
Hell nah
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