I'm just a normal girl, 24 yo, working in the financial sector in a major financial city so doing alright at my career.
Since young, I have always been quite shy and listening to my Asian parents, have never dated anyone before graduating from uni. When I graduated and started working, I finally gathered the courage to download Tinder on my phone, full of hopes for finding someone in my life to share our thoughts, laughters and tears. I'm quite good at acting confident and I would think I'm quite good looking, none of my colleagues and dates ever suspected that I'm just a lonely person deep inside, insecure, a over 20 virgin. I wanted a lasting and committed relationship.
There were ups and downs in my dating life, perhaps from my heritage, I always thought I wanted to date someone who do well in their lives themselves. I interpreted that as success in career, although deep down, I am yearning for just a tender, committed guy who would take care of me and let me take care of him in return.
One of my first longer term date was a trainee doctor. For some very stupid reasons, I decided he was not good for me after a few months. He's the one who would take me on lovely dates to bars and restaurants, treating me like a princess.
Perhaps it's a karma to myself, I dated here and there until I met the second guy that didn't reciprocated my feelings. He's a solicitor, intelligent, multilingual, foreign but acted extremely upset when I asked him if he was seeing other girls at the time (we were seeing each other for 3 months at that point). The fairy tale suddenly turned ugly, he would rant sexist things in our conversations and left early on dates we arranged together saying "he was tired". I blamed myself on our split at the end, I told others he was an asshole, but I could have improved too as I was being emotionally unstable and was too eager to love.
Again, I dated a few more guys until I met my latest date, a charming European banker. He's not the most good looking guy or very tall, but he's the romantic one. He would chant romantic nothings to my ears. I was really busy when I first started talking to him, so I remained sceptical.
Despite of my lack of interest and distance, he would continue to tell me about his family, invite me to meet his relative, ask me to join him for golf etc. I thought all that meant he was serious.
He went through a hectic period of life with me, we would chat for hours and hours and even when I had to work for 20 hours per day in some weeks, I would make time to see him. I thought I was not attached and still kept my cool, learning my lesson from the solicitor, but deep down I knew I was absolutely smittened. Due to insecurity of keeping such a great guy, I've exaggerated little facts in my life although they were all true to some extent.
After seeing him for 2-3 months, I decided I could do the unspoken with him. It was my first but I decided he was worth it. I didn't even dare to tell him it's my virgin as I acted so cool and I thought I wouldn't mind. I thought a lot of things were unspoken and didn't dare to ask him if he was serious, I prioritised seeing him the day after working 20 hour days for a whole week and decided to cook for him, without letting him know about my work week. Of course under such conditions my cooking were crap and, contrary to his usual gentlemanly nature, he complained about my cooking. I laughed it off and thought he was just joking.
I remembered thinking, this was my turn to find love. He couldn't be wrong. He acted committed, he's gentle and kind, he cared about his family and loved animals, we laughed at the same jokes and had similar passion to politics and economics, I encouraged him for his passion and he did me too... I was so happy.
But not long after, he started distancing himself. I felt that all he wanted is to make sure I went home with him, he didn't actually want to make sure I feel good when we do the dirty anymore, he got more aggressive and I could feel like he's not concentrating anymore when we talked. I started to start conversations a lot more than him, I thought he might be having a bad time and it's only fair for me to treat him nicer now as he went through a bad time with me.
Then we stopped seeing each other. We would still talk to each other but when I asked him out, he would come up with excuses such as he was tired, he was going through a bad phrase in life.
I decided to trust him because he was such a great guy.
It's been more than 1 month that we haven't seen each other now out of 5 months that we knew each other, I just asked him to meet again and he rejected me saying he was busy. When I asked him if he has some time at some point this week, he went silent...
In my solitary, I'm again crying my eyes out and thinking what went wrong. Maybe it was those exaggerations, maybe I talked a little too much about my parents, maybe it was my insecurity... as second nature to my profession, I just can't stop thinking back what else I could have done to save this, to save something that was so precious and wonderful.
Or maybe, it was just because it wasn't the right timing and right person. I am not a perfect person, maybe if 28 yo me met 31 yo him again, it would have been a different story. I'd be more confident, he'd be more ready to settle.
I'm not gonna blame him, and tomorrow I'm gonna wear my big smile to work again like nothing ever happened. Maybe not long after I will start the 4th relationship, maybe it will grow into something more serious, maybe it won't be.
My friends in serious relationship told me that their best relationships came when they least expected it. As I retreat to my little hut, dreaming about that perfect relationship I could have had with him, I'm gonna take this as a lesson again and hope it gets better next time...