When I Faced Another Heartbreak - Story of a Girl in a Big City

I'm just a normal girl, 24 yo, working in the financial sector in a major financial city so doing alright at my career.

Since young, I have always been quite shy and listening to my Asian parents, have never dated anyone before graduating from uni. When I graduated and started working, I finally gathered the courage to download Tinder on my phone, full of hopes for finding someone in my life to share our thoughts, laughters and tears. I'm quite good at acting confident and I would think I'm quite good looking, none of my colleagues and dates ever suspected that I'm just a lonely person deep inside, insecure, a over 20 virgin. I wanted a lasting and committed relationship.When I faced another heartbreak - story of a girl in a big city

There were ups and downs in my dating life, perhaps from my heritage, I always thought I wanted to date someone who do well in their lives themselves. I interpreted that as success in career, although deep down, I am yearning for just a tender, committed guy who would take care of me and let me take care of him in return.

One of my first longer term date was a trainee doctor. For some very stupid reasons, I decided he was not good for me after a few months. He's the one who would take me on lovely dates to bars and restaurants, treating me like a princess.

Perhaps it's a karma to myself, I dated here and there until I met the second guy that didn't reciprocated my feelings. He's a solicitor, intelligent, multilingual, foreign but acted extremely upset when I asked him if he was seeing other girls at the time (we were seeing each other for 3 months at that point). The fairy tale suddenly turned ugly, he would rant sexist things in our conversations and left early on dates we arranged together saying "he was tired". I blamed myself on our split at the end, I told others he was an asshole, but I could have improved too as I was being emotionally unstable and was too eager to love.

Again, I dated a few more guys until I met my latest date, a charming European banker. He's not the most good looking guy or very tall, but he's the romantic one. He would chant romantic nothings to my ears. I was really busy when I first started talking to him, so I remained sceptical.

Despite of my lack of interest and distance, he would continue to tell me about his family, invite me to meet his relative, ask me to join him for golf etc. I thought all that meant he was serious.

He went through a hectic period of life with me, we would chat for hours and hours and even when I had to work for 20 hours per day in some weeks, I would make time to see him. I thought I was not attached and still kept my cool, learning my lesson from the solicitor, but deep down I knew I was absolutely smittened. Due to insecurity of keeping such a great guy, I've exaggerated little facts in my life although they were all true to some extent.

After seeing him for 2-3 months, I decided I could do the unspoken with him. It was my first but I decided he was worth it. I didn't even dare to tell him it's my virgin as I acted so cool and I thought I wouldn't mind. I thought a lot of things were unspoken and didn't dare to ask him if he was serious, I prioritised seeing him the day after working 20 hour days for a whole week and decided to cook for him, without letting him know about my work week. Of course under such conditions my cooking were crap and, contrary to his usual gentlemanly nature, he complained about my cooking. I laughed it off and thought he was just joking.

I remembered thinking, this was my turn to find love. He couldn't be wrong. He acted committed, he's gentle and kind, he cared about his family and loved animals, we laughed at the same jokes and had similar passion to politics and economics, I encouraged him for his passion and he did me too... I was so happy.

But not long after, he started distancing himself. I felt that all he wanted is to make sure I went home with him, he didn't actually want to make sure I feel good when we do the dirty anymore, he got more aggressive and I could feel like he's not concentrating anymore when we talked. I started to start conversations a lot more than him, I thought he might be having a bad time and it's only fair for me to treat him nicer now as he went through a bad time with me.

Then we stopped seeing each other. We would still talk to each other but when I asked him out, he would come up with excuses such as he was tired, he was going through a bad phrase in life.

I decided to trust him because he was such a great guy.

It's been more than 1 month that we haven't seen each other now out of 5 months that we knew each other, I just asked him to meet again and he rejected me saying he was busy. When I asked him if he has some time at some point this week, he went silent...

In my solitary, I'm again crying my eyes out and thinking what went wrong. Maybe it was those exaggerations, maybe I talked a little too much about my parents, maybe it was my insecurity... as second nature to my profession, I just can't stop thinking back what else I could have done to save this, to save something that was so precious and wonderful.

Or maybe, it was just because it wasn't the right timing and right person. I am not a perfect person, maybe if 28 yo me met 31 yo him again, it would have been a different story. I'd be more confident, he'd be more ready to settle.

I'm not gonna blame him, and tomorrow I'm gonna wear my big smile to work again like nothing ever happened. Maybe not long after I will start the 4th relationship, maybe it will grow into something more serious, maybe it won't be.

My friends in serious relationship told me that their best relationships came when they least expected it. As I retreat to my little hut, dreaming about that perfect relationship I could have had with him, I'm gonna take this as a lesson again and hope it gets better next time...


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Rule # 1 - Do not look for love, let it happen naturally. I am not saying to completely reject guys, I am not saying you try to hard but when the time is right I am sure you will find a guy. Take it from me, I have no brothers and 3 older sisters, I am the youngest and sibling wise it's not the same when you're a guy and you don't have a brother. I had a father but he sucked at being a dad and he was never around.

    Obviously, that childhood experience and my teen years affected my early youth life. As I got older around eighteen/nineteen I wanted to find a girl and be with her and show love and care. I thought that girls were easy to approach, to ask out and to be with. All a guy needed to do was show respect, be honest and have a few traits girls/women like. Well, it's not that easy because when I tried to be Mr. Preppy Nice Guy the girls wanted to be with a bad boy.

    I have dealt with over 10 years of B. S with girls, girls who have told me you're not good for me, you're not my type, I'm taken, and etc, how do you think I feel? Awful (back then) not so much now. I'm 31 now and sure I can look back and say if 30-year-old me was like 20-year-old me then things will be different but I think things happen for a reason.

    I got closer to God more so than in my 20s, who knows if I were to be with a girl at age 22 and get married maybe I would not have been as close or with God in general due to those experiences. Guys have a little worse because we don't get attention like girls, I mean at least with girls I'm sure it's flattering to get looked at by guys.

    I'm in law school now and I am just focusing on that, don't get me wrong I am not trying to sound as if this doesn't affect me at all, I think everyone wants to be loved and cared for. Some get at an early stage of their lives, others get it at a later stage in their lives.

    Now to comment on your situation, you seem to be a very intelligent, hard working girl, don't blame yourself up about the "what if's", it's not your fault. Yeah, that guy is a douche for making excuses, I would stop talking to him. If a guy truly likes a girl (beyond sex) he will make the effort to be with her and comfort her. It's odd how men and women are, it seems like the more affectionate we are the more people tend to pull away.

    Don't rush into relationships, a lot of my guy friends are in relationships and it does it make me feel left out, yeah.

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    • Another thing I wanted to add, dating apps suck! I almost feel like dating apps are for people with high expectations (i. e: a girl or a woman looking for prince charming) or a girl/woman being bombarded by likes and super likes to get her ego up or for guys to simply try to fuck as many girls or women as possible. End of the day, tell yourself, I want to be with a guy who has a, b, c and I won't settle for anything less. Take it slow with guys, just like girls, we don't want something completely rushed (not saying you rushed a situation) just giving my honest input. You are a hard working girl and it will pay off for you, trust me.

Most Helpful Girl

  • This had nothing to do w/timing, the guy was a player. Dating is very hard and you sometimes come out w/emotional scars. I'm really sorry this happened to you. When you do heal enough to get out there again, if you decide to do online dating, don't use tinder. You have to be careful in general when dating, but tinder is not a app to find relationship material. I met my boyfriend online (not tinder) and I used tinder to get dates and have fun (sex not included). I met prob 20 guys off tinder and only one had potential, but I wasn't interested in him, plus he never really made it clear that he was interested. Head high and do not give so much away in such little time.

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Join the discussion

What Guys Said 20

  • Wait…what? The math doesn’t add up here. You have to work for 20 hours per day…and you still see him. OK? When did you sleep? Commute and so on? Humans need sleep, do you know? And you just cannot do this for…well…couple days. Your mental functions will go to shit.
    It’s amazing though. You just…go on Tinder and you have match. Several. I’ve been there for moths and absolutely nothing.

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    • Why are you there for moths? You find women there.

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    • So presumably you have to start paying them and keep paying them in order to keep getting matches

    • @frozenhorizon Oh. Well…that would explain a lot.

  • Work on your insecurities and loving yourself for now.

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  • This just shows women don't sleep with men because they are attracted to him physically, it because the tends to them emotionally through affirmation.

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    • You girls up voting I hope you know I mean it in a negative way, it shows women aren't straight as they aren't sexually attracted to gender specific traits.

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    • how does this show women aren't straight. lmao. your logic is weird dude.

    • I am applying both

  • I think I know who wrote this... 'Financial city', 'uni', 'Asian' and 24😜

    But yeah... your friends are right, it comes when you least expect it. Finding mr/mrs perfect first time or even 10h time round is a fairytale best saved for Disney. The more you date the more you know what you want in a man.

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  • Sex after 2-3 months? You made a mistake. You should've told him you were a virgin, and told him you wanted to wait. That literally will shake off all guys who aren't serious. Any guy who would want a serious relationship with you and plans to keep it will enjoy your company without sex.

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  • Guy 1: trainee Doctor
    Guy 2: Solicitor
    Guy 3: Banker

    Girl author: prostitute.

    Someone needs a reality check.

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    • She's not a prostitute, look up what a prostitute is and does. Don't go throwing that label around.

    • What's wrong with wanting a partner who has a successful career? The girl works in the finance district of a large city too, so she probably has her own money.

  • Some people are just attention seekers, they want you to pay attention to them but not want you emotionally. It gets them off knowing they got your attention.

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  • I don't think you should blame the dude, or yourself... it just happens. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to be with you? Maybe there really is something incompatible between you. I don't think he would bother seeing you for 3-4 months if his ONLY intention was sex... it sounds like some other people who posted assumed that but I wouldn't assume that.

    So wait, what's the lesson you are taking? Just that sometimes it doesn't work out?

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  • Hey asshole - you're dating on Tinder - it's filled with scumbags like me =P And believe it or not, I am a PhD candidate and a good 90% of my Tinder matches are young Asian women.

    Anyways lol, if you don't want to be disappointed, don't date on Tinder. Also I usually give girls the boot if they start prying around about how many people I'm dating

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    • Oh one more thing... there's 60% educated women to 40% educated men in most big cities. You need to figure your shit out fast because there's something called "sexual nirvana" among educated men. It's the observation that educated men are having more and more short term affairs because they don't need long term relationships anymore. There's so many educated women desperate for educated men soo

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    • Because sometimes they have to in order to get some...

    • @zagor is absolutely correct.

      Because the thing is that 99% of girls aren't going to admit that they also just want to hook up. And that's completely normal. Moreover most girls won't hook up with a stranger if they don't at least feel there is a small chance a relationship will come out of the hook up.

      Well you would have thought wrong. Talking about families and future plans is in many cases a reasonable exchange for a sex partner that lasts a few weeks.

      I know all of this sounds kinda... bleak. But this is the culture we live in nowadays. And hooking up with strangers is thousands of times more efficient than trying to find relationships (for men that is)

  • I'm a city boy.

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  • Thanks for sharing

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  • Interesting

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  • It's always better to move on.

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  • I am used to it now. I have decided to #stayalone all my life!!!

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  • Don't let it get you down

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  • right..

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  • It's important to love yourself.

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  • I am here for the points

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  • A lot of us struggle with love at least your clearly doing very well career wise though.

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What Girls Said 12

  • I'm sorry you met such an asshole. He was never serious about you and only chased you until you slept with him. I don't think he should have chased you for so long if he wasn't serious.
    In the future when you meet another guy, be more open about communicating. The biggest mistake is assuming that the other person feels the same way you do. If he starts to distance himself, just ask him why he's doing that. He should be honest with you about how he feels. You can also just ask someone at the beginning if they are looking for something serious.
    A lot people are assholes and don't care about you that much. Don't give your heart away to them.

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  • I'm sorry this happened to you, but you need to move on and let him and your guilt go. Humans love having their story, and as you wrote here, it sounded like a story that you've now attached to yourself and your life and in order to move on and be the best you, you need to let go of this narrative of being a victim in a failed relationship attempt. Life is about experiences and growing from them, and love isn't a romance novel, nothing is magical about it. People are people, a majority assholes. Take this is a lesson, a way for you to grow as a person, and discard the victim role you've attached to yourself because you met someone who just passed through your life. Emotions suck, and I'm sorry you're feeling down about this, but I really do wish you'd turn your thoughts around and use it for growth and inspiration for yourself. You have to be there for you, take control of your own self and be your best person. You can't rely on someone else to confirm who you are as a person. What he did is part of who he is, and it isn't a reflection of you, but of him. Set your standards, love yourself more than anyone, and until the right people come along, don't lower your standards or doubt yourself. You'll meet someone or multiple good people, but you have to believe and love yourself. Life is much more fun when you're your own soulmate. Best wishes.

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  • I am put off guys they just wanna fuck you over

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  • what's the difference between a foreign man and a european man?

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  • Thanks for sharing.

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  • what a novel story. Thank you for sharing. I felt it

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  • It is normal to get pumped and dumped sometimes. Keep your chin up and move on :)

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    • Don't let the haters put you down :)

  • What a story. Sounds similar to me except I'm still in uni and haven't dated nor kissed

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  • thank you for sharing

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  • Aw I'm sorry :(

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  • Good for you

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  • It's best to move on

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