Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

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Once a cheater, always a cheater!

I have had a spouse cheat on me, after 1½ years of marriage . . . with another female . . . and I unknowingly paid for the sleeper berth in which it happened. I’ve never cheated on anyone. Never. Not once. If I said “let’s date exclusively,” that’s what I delivered. I understand what cheating does to the victim and I understand how to be faithful.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

Cheaters don’t deserve a second chance. Love isn’t a video game where you have three lives and you can make two fatal errors and keep playing. It’s not a baseball game where you get three strikes before you’re out.

* * *

Your boyfriend hasn’t been in a very good mood since he got back from that business trip. Then, he came home this afternoon and uttered those dreaded words: “We need to talk.”

A female co-worker had also gone on the business trip to Chicago. While there, they went to dinner, had a few drinks, and ended up having sex. “I don’t know how it happened, it only happened one time, and it will never happen again.” You have never previously seen him cry but he was crying so hard that you almost felt sorry for him. He begged you to forgive him and he asked for another chance. Should you?

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

Here’s why you might consider it (and I’m not saying you should give him another chance but, if you actually consider that possibility, there are the things you are probably thinking about):

1. He is your first serious relationship and you thought he was The One.

2. You have several years invested in this relationship and, before this conversation, you have become very comfortable with each other.

3. You have already planned your wedding and picked out boy and girl names for the first baby.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

4. After years of bragging about how wonderful he is, you will be absolutely embarrassed to tell your family what has happened.

5. You’re living together. The idea of moving is overwhelming.

6. He volunteered the information so it seems that he wants to regain your trust.

7. He was crying and so obviously upset that you think this incident is totally out of character for him.

Now let’s look at the reasons why he doesn’t deserve another chance:

1. He did something that he promised he would never do.

2. You always thought of you two as a committed and faithful couple, but now you feel like a fool.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

3. He doesn’t deserve to be trusted.

4. When he confessed, he wanted to rid himself of his feelings of guilt. He didn’t show much genuine concern for the hurt that he inflicted on you.

5. In your mind, you see him boinking that blonde bitch and she probably even swallowed! You have a mental image that you can’t get out of your thoughts.

* * *

Women are also unfaithful (as I know very well.) The most widely regarded research about infidelity

has been conducted by University of Chicago researchers. Every year since 1972, they have asked a representative national sample about infidelity and the results have been consistent. Every year, 12% of husbands and 7% of wives admit to having been unfaithful.

If this has happened to you, it probably happened during a dating relationship instead of during marriage. If you have not had this happen to you, you are either fortunate, you have been very careful in selecting your partners. . . or it happened and your partner never confessed.

What if it does happen? How do you respond? If it happens to me again, the answer is quite simple: this relationship is finished. If you are one of those who don’t know how you would respond, let’s re-examine the reasons to stay together.

1. He is your first serious relationship and you thought he was The One.

You must accept the fact that your life is not going to have a fairy tale ending. Welcome to the adult world! Sometimes it sucks but this is the way it really is. Would you be happier marrying him, thinking that you are living the charmed life, while he is out screwing every new female coworker who is receptive to his advances?

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

2. You have several years invested in this relationship and, before this conversation, you have become very comfortable with each other.

Starting over is work, no doubt. You don’t want to feel that you’ve wasted your time. Do you want to invest even more time and effort and get even bigger disappointments in the future?

3. You have already planned your wedding and picked out boy and girl names for the first baby.

The news that he told you is something that changes everything forever. You will never have the life that you had planned because everything will be affected by what he did. Do you still think this is the ideal daddy for baby Fiona or Master Bradford?

4. After years of bragging about how wonderful he is, you will be absolutely embarrassed to tell your family what has happened.

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Yes, it may be embarrassing but less humiliating than calling them at 2:30 am and asking if you can come sleep at their house when you finally have the big argument and he says he wants a divorce!

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

5. You’re living together. The idea of moving is overwhelming . . .

but your family and friends will help you. Delaying the inevitable will just make it more overwhelming when it finally happens.

6. He volunteered the information so it seems that he wants to regain your trust.

No, he volunteered the information because he was feeling overwhelmed with guilt. He told you because he hoped that doing so would make him feel better. He was focusing on his feelings, not yours.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

7. He was crying and so obviously upset that you think this incident is totally out of character for him.

It is difficult to admit that we have made such a horrible mistake about someone with whom we have been so intimate and it is sometimes easier to give someone a “free pass” that to accept the realization that we have been fooled so horribly, but what he did simply revealed a part of his character that you not yet recognized.

Maybe he kept calling it a "mistake" or an "accident." That doesn't sound as bad, does it. But it wasn't a mistake or an accident. This isn't like he picked up the pepper shaker instead of the salt shaker. He didn't misjudge whether he had enough time to cross the highway before that oncoming traffic arrived. He knew what he was doing when he invited her into his hotel room; he thought about you and he didn't care. He knew what he was doing when he kissed her; again, he thought about you and he didn't care. He knew what he was doing when he undressed her, and he thought about you when he saw her naked body. He knew what he was doing when he penetrated her and he didn;t care how that would affect you. DO NOT call this an accident or a mistake.

And, as for those crocodile tears . . . females aren't the only ones who know how to use tears for dramatic effect.

Now, let’s look at the reasons to not give him another chance.

1. He did something that he promised he would never do.

This promise was the most important promise that he ever made to you, and he violated it. If he gets a free pass, why do you think that he won’t do it again?

2. You always thought of you two as a committed and faithful couple, but now you feel like a fool.

That feeling will probably go away eventually . . . several years from now. And . . . what if he does it again? How will you feel then? Will you ever forgive yourself if you give him a second chance and he does it again? What if it happens after you are married and have children? How awful will you feel then?

3. He doesn’t deserve to be trusted.

Trust is earned. Distrust is earned. You are right. He does not deserve to be trusted. Can you have a relationship without trust? Of course not!

4. When he confessed, he wanted to rid himself of his feelings of guilt. He didn’t show much genuine concern for the hurt that he inflicted on you.

In a committed relationship, you should treat your partner’s needs and desires the same as your own needs and desires. A relationship is where you lose your selfishness and “the two become one.” (Sound familiar?) Cheating was selfish and his confession was a selfish ploy to rid himself of guilt. Do you want a partner who is always focused on himself?

5. In your mind, you see him boinking that blonde bitch and she probably even swallowed! You have a mental image that you can’t get out of your thoughts.

You never will. If you reconcile, how many times will you think about this when you are having sex with him? Will you be wondering whether he is thinking about her instead of you? Will he be thinking “I wish she swallowed like Jen did on that trip to Chicago!”?

* * *


Imagine that the year is 2028 and you are looking back at how you handled the decision when you arrived at this crossroad. Did you make a decision that was right for you, even though it was difficult? Did you make the decision that was easy, that allowed you to be lazy and take the path of least resistance? In 2028, will you wish that you had handled things differently?

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!
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