Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

Once a cheater, always a cheater!

I have had a spouse cheat on me, after 1½ years of marriage . . . with another female . . . and I unknowingly paid for the sleeper berth in which it happened. I’ve never cheated on anyone. Never. Not once. If I said “let’s date exclusively,” that’s what I delivered. I understand what cheating does to the victim and I understand how to be faithful.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

Cheaters don’t deserve a second chance. Love isn’t a video game where you have three lives and you can make two fatal errors and keep playing. It’s not a baseball game where you get three strikes before you’re out.

* * *

Your boyfriend hasn’t been in a very good mood since he got back from that business trip. Then, he came home this afternoon and uttered those dreaded words: “We need to talk.”

A female co-worker had also gone on the business trip to Chicago. While there, they went to dinner, had a few drinks, and ended up having sex. “I don’t know how it happened, it only happened one time, and it will never happen again.” You have never previously seen him cry but he was crying so hard that you almost felt sorry for him. He begged you to forgive him and he asked for another chance. Should you?

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

Here’s why you might consider it (and I’m not saying you should give him another chance but, if you actually consider that possibility, there are the things you are probably thinking about):

1. He is your first serious relationship and you thought he was The One.

2. You have several years invested in this relationship and, before this conversation, you have become very comfortable with each other.

3. You have already planned your wedding and picked out boy and girl names for the first baby.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

4. After years of bragging about how wonderful he is, you will be absolutely embarrassed to tell your family what has happened.

5. You’re living together. The idea of moving is overwhelming.

6. He volunteered the information so it seems that he wants to regain your trust.

7. He was crying and so obviously upset that you think this incident is totally out of character for him.

Now let’s look at the reasons why he doesn’t deserve another chance:

1. He did something that he promised he would never do.

2. You always thought of you two as a committed and faithful couple, but now you feel like a fool.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

3. He doesn’t deserve to be trusted.

4. When he confessed, he wanted to rid himself of his feelings of guilt. He didn’t show much genuine concern for the hurt that he inflicted on you.

5. In your mind, you see him boinking that blonde bitch and she probably even swallowed! You have a mental image that you can’t get out of your thoughts.

* * *

Women are also unfaithful (as I know very well.) The most widely regarded research about infidelity

has been conducted by University of Chicago researchers. Every year since 1972, they have asked a representative national sample about infidelity and the results have been consistent. Every year, 12% of husbands and 7% of wives admit to having been unfaithful.

If this has happened to you, it probably happened during a dating relationship instead of during marriage. If you have not had this happen to you, you are either fortunate, you have been very careful in selecting your partners. . . or it happened and your partner never confessed.

What if it does happen? How do you respond? If it happens to me again, the answer is quite simple: this relationship is finished. If you are one of those who don’t know how you would respond, let’s re-examine the reasons to stay together.

1. He is your first serious relationship and you thought he was The One.

You must accept the fact that your life is not going to have a fairy tale ending. Welcome to the adult world! Sometimes it sucks but this is the way it really is. Would you be happier marrying him, thinking that you are living the charmed life, while he is out screwing every new female coworker who is receptive to his advances?

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

2. You have several years invested in this relationship and, before this conversation, you have become very comfortable with each other.

Starting over is work, no doubt. You don’t want to feel that you’ve wasted your time. Do you want to invest even more time and effort and get even bigger disappointments in the future?

3. You have already planned your wedding and picked out boy and girl names for the first baby.

The news that he told you is something that changes everything forever. You will never have the life that you had planned because everything will be affected by what he did. Do you still think this is the ideal daddy for baby Fiona or Master Bradford?

4. After years of bragging about how wonderful he is, you will be absolutely embarrassed to tell your family what has happened.

'

Yes, it may be embarrassing but less humiliating than calling them at 2:30 am and asking if you can come sleep at their house when you finally have the big argument and he says he wants a divorce!

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

5. You’re living together. The idea of moving is overwhelming . . .

but your family and friends will help you. Delaying the inevitable will just make it more overwhelming when it finally happens.

6. He volunteered the information so it seems that he wants to regain your trust.

No, he volunteered the information because he was feeling overwhelmed with guilt. He told you because he hoped that doing so would make him feel better. He was focusing on his feelings, not yours.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!

7. He was crying and so obviously upset that you think this incident is totally out of character for him.

It is difficult to admit that we have made such a horrible mistake about someone with whom we have been so intimate and it is sometimes easier to give someone a “free pass” that to accept the realization that we have been fooled so horribly, but what he did simply revealed a part of his character that you not yet recognized.

Maybe he kept calling it a "mistake" or an "accident." That doesn't sound as bad, does it. But it wasn't a mistake or an accident. This isn't like he picked up the pepper shaker instead of the salt shaker. He didn't misjudge whether he had enough time to cross the highway before that oncoming traffic arrived. He knew what he was doing when he invited her into his hotel room; he thought about you and he didn't care. He knew what he was doing when he kissed her; again, he thought about you and he didn't care. He knew what he was doing when he undressed her, and he thought about you when he saw her naked body. He knew what he was doing when he penetrated her and he didn;t care how that would affect you. DO NOT call this an accident or a mistake.

And, as for those crocodile tears . . . females aren't the only ones who know how to use tears for dramatic effect.

Now, let’s look at the reasons to not give him another chance.

1. He did something that he promised he would never do.

This promise was the most important promise that he ever made to you, and he violated it. If he gets a free pass, why do you think that he won’t do it again?

2. You always thought of you two as a committed and faithful couple, but now you feel like a fool.

That feeling will probably go away eventually . . . several years from now. And . . . what if he does it again? How will you feel then? Will you ever forgive yourself if you give him a second chance and he does it again? What if it happens after you are married and have children? How awful will you feel then?

3. He doesn’t deserve to be trusted.

Trust is earned. Distrust is earned. You are right. He does not deserve to be trusted. Can you have a relationship without trust? Of course not!

4. When he confessed, he wanted to rid himself of his feelings of guilt. He didn’t show much genuine concern for the hurt that he inflicted on you.

In a committed relationship, you should treat your partner’s needs and desires the same as your own needs and desires. A relationship is where you lose your selfishness and “the two become one.” (Sound familiar?) Cheating was selfish and his confession was a selfish ploy to rid himself of guilt. Do you want a partner who is always focused on himself?

5. In your mind, you see him boinking that blonde bitch and she probably even swallowed! You have a mental image that you can’t get out of your thoughts.

You never will. If you reconcile, how many times will you think about this when you are having sex with him? Will you be wondering whether he is thinking about her instead of you? Will he be thinking “I wish she swallowed like Jen did on that trip to Chicago!”?

* * *


Imagine that the year is 2028 and you are looking back at how you handled the decision when you arrived at this crossroad. Did you make a decision that was right for you, even though it was difficult? Did you make the decision that was easy, that allowed you to be lazy and take the path of least resistance? In 2028, will you wish that you had handled things differently?

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!
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Most Helpful Girls

  • milettescheepers
    Some people has serious issues with themselves and they feel better if they can convince another person that theyre sexy and then they like the feeling of convincing their partner that everythings okay and they want the sattisfaction of their partner to forgive them cause they love them so much. Its just plain manipulative and you're a traitor if you cheat! And forgiving a cheater is the easy eay out because you dont have to deal with getting over the images placed in your head and missing your partner at the same time. But being cheated on slowly but surely either kills your love for your asshole partner or the love for yourself. It kills it so much that you end up just loving yourvpartner and you have no selflove or selfrespect and you manipulate yourself by thinking this is what you deserve and it doesn't matter how much they cheat, youl just get more addicted to the manipulation
    Is this still revelant?
    • it sounds as if you, or someone close to you, has spent some horrible years living in that foxhole. My condolences!

  • veronicalynn
    If a relationship started with a cheater it will end the same way. I've seen it before.. I truly believe once a cheater always a cheater
    Is this still revelant?
    • The only people who do not believe that are the younger users with limited experience. Idealism makes you want to believe that anyone can change but experiences teaches you that very few ever do accomplish any significant change.

    • Exactly 🙌

    • The absolute best way to determine a persons future action is by looking at their past.. Yes people can be better and do better but will always fall back into their natural history

Most Helpful Guys

  • Likes2drive
    Yeah my ex wife cheated on me and the husband before me, now I’m just waiting to see if she cheats on her new husband since it’s a pattern with her that may take a few years. I did stay with her even after since I had 3 kids with her and a home but eventually there was no trust and no saving the marriage but I’m the only one that suffered since she is the one that gets child support and found someone else to live with right away
    Is this still revelant?
  • Unit1
    I'm triggered over the fact, that you kept mentioning just him and he instead of also including her and she in your explanations ❗❕‼‼❗

    Very good take however. Cheaters deserve no second chance ever.
    However i rather know, that i was being cheated on regardless of which source, be it from my partner or from a different source.
    Is this still revelant?
    • Obviously, both genders cheat, and I mentioned at the very beginning that my wife cheated on me. Sometimes, it is easier to write if I don't constantly include both genders and nothing more than that was intended.

    • Unit1

      I know but still ❕❗‼⁉❕❗‼⁉

    • Unit1

      Take it lightly with humor friend.

    • Show All

Scroll Down to Read Other Opinions

What Girls & Guys Said

2728
  • coachTanthony
    Good MyTake... Lot of this reminds me of a show I just binged watched called Dr. Foster on Netflix... whooo weeee... that show will show you the really bad times of a cheater! CRAY CRAY...

  • cherryphi82
    You lost me at blonde bitch. I've stepped outside my marriage and my husband forgave me. In fact, life is exactly like a baseball/ video game in that people do forgive. I would forgive my husband/boyfriend if they stepped out on me. This is not a fatal mistake. It's human. If you think the way you do, don't be surprised if you have trouble finding people.
    • You "stepped out of your marriage?" Sometimes, people use euphemisms to take the jagged corners off of the truth.

    • I'm telling the truth, even if I don't use the verbiage you would choose...

    • "It's human."

      The most cliched excuse to cheating.

      It's also human to shout, doesn't mean that it's nice if you do it to someone.

    • Show All
  • Pamina
    I completely despise cheating, but I don't agree with this absolutist notion of "once a cheater, always a cheater". It's simply not true.
    • It is true about 99% of the time. Of course people have the potential to change, but very few every actually change in significant ways. Experience has taught me some harsh lessons.

    • Pamina

      I don't think that's true at all. It does probably apply to a lot of people, but 99% is complete nonsense I think.

    • I am simply basing that on my experience, and I have handled many divorce cases in 32 years of being an attorney.

    • Show All
  • Logorithim
    I have to disagree about the premise in the title of this Take. Sure, there are serial cheaters, but not every one who cheats is one.
    • Of course, there are always exceptions to the rule, but does that mean that everyone deserves a second chance?

    • It would depend on the circumstances, but I think, generally speaking, they deserve another chance in another relationship if they can show the new partner that they have learned their lesson. Whether they deserve a second chance in the same relationship is a more complex question. e. g., if a couple has small children.

  • Harmseygrace
    Yeah I should've left my dick of a boyfriend right at the start when I saw his flirty messages with multiple other girls and he refused to stop. He wouldn't of had a chance to cheat on me and leave me twice for another girl then.
  • 'After years of bragging about how wonderful he is, you will be absolutely embarrassed to tell your family what has happened.' Believe it or not, this is why I avoid talking about my relationship much. I dumped my ex because he would literally get missing for long periods of time so whether or not he was cheating, he definitely did not value me much.

    It would be so embarrassing to tell my friends about it! However because I avoided saying much about us in the first place, no one really minded when I told them, 'oh I was just feeling bothered for personal reasons so I decided to end it' no one asked me a thing.

    'You always thought of you two as a committed and faithful couple, but now you feel like a fool.' To anyone who got cheated on, listen: your partner was the fool. He (or she) fooled himself by losing a faithful lover. He fooled himself by taking the bad advantage of your faith. Don't feel guilty for doing something that every person in a relationship does.

    And dare not think that you are less worthy or imperfect that's why your partner went after someone else. That kind of thought made me insanely insecure about my looks and I ended up... (let's not talk about it, it's too terrible.)
    • Never feel like your not beautiful in or out! Mistakes are made in life and if you don't learn to forgive you can't accept that person or others!

  • On_the_other_hand
    First off. The idea that all cheaters always cheat again is ridiculous. One opinion that serves all relationships again is ridiculous.

    I cheated when I was young and I felt horrible and I never did it again. In fact I've been cheated on by several girls and I never let it give me license to cheat myself.

    I do know people that cheated once and never cheated again and he died and she was the cheater so for the rest of their marriage she never cheated again.

    This is a perspective from someone who has been incredibly hurt.

    Another thing. The writer said that he wasn't a good guy because he confessed and that he was selfish just because he wanted to relieve his own guilt. What is the better thing to do? Is it better that he is overwhelmed with guilt and he doesn't tell. Is is better if he feels no guilt and does or doesn't tell. There is no better option than him or her confessing.

    I know another person that cheated and NEVER cheated ever again... and he recently fought very hard to save the love of his life's (his wife) life. He's been there full force after her double mastectomy. So don't tell me "Once a cheater, always a cheater."

    Stop generalizing
  • Pineapple_Boy
    I don't agree that once a cheater always a cheater. Humans are far too complex to make that conclusion.

    Life isn't simple and straight forward.
    • There are always exceptions, but. . . how complicated does it get when you give a cheater a second chance and they do it again?

  • happyhippo
    The take is very good, pretty well put points and explanations. However I believe that people change and don't think that once a person does a mistake, they will repeat it. If they really try hard, they're never gonna do this again. Also I'm a person that gives second chances, I have been given some and I have proven that people change and so I think everyone deserves a second chance.
    And in the case you're describing, I wouldn't mind giving a second chance, but it would certanly have a difference than before - I wouldn't go back with all my trust, I'd need it to be built from the start.
    • Have you ever had someone cheat on you?

    • It's true in some cases. Sadly, cheating isn't one of them.

    • @OlderAndWiser Yes, I have.

    • Show All
  • I feel so good after reading this. I've always thought nobody believed in the "Once a cheater, Always a cheater"
    So yeah, good take.
  • AlexEfron
    Great take 👍

    The problem is that some people (mostly girls) are too blind to see the obvious. They guy keeps repeating his mistakes and the girl keeps going back to him - again and again and again.
    And the problem with guys is that they're not ready to commit.
    Girls love too much while guys love too many.

    Anyways, loved your Take 😊
    • steevo

      Married women cheat to LEAVE their husband, (monkey branching to someone better), married men cheat but do NOT want to leave their wife. Mens love is deeper.

    • @steevo "Mens love is deeper." lol what?

  • CHARismatic110
    I'm a believer of the once a cheater, always a cheater. And even if you cheat once and never do it again, I'll never trust you enough to stick around to find out.
  • Anon-ymous1
    Exclamation marks! Much serious!

    And what's this stupid shit about making it all about guys? Like chicks don't step out on their guys ever? You're not fooling anyone with this crap man.
    • Perhaps it was too much for you to read, but this began with an explanation that I have been cheated on. Yes, I know that women cheat; I know it painfully well. And later in the article, I stated, "Women are also unfaithful (as I know very well.)" Remember?

      In a fairly well respected annual poll of American behaviors in marriage, approximately 12% of married men and 7% of married women admit to having been unfaithful to their partner.

      I am not trying to fool anyone.

    • Cool, that's like writing an entire novel about Subject A but as long as one paragraph on page 200 is about Subject B, then you fall back under the false guise of objectivity saying "I covered both subjects." No... you didn't.

    • I think we have different ways of perceiving things. That's okay.

    • Show All
  • Juxtapose
    Fuck cheaters. If someone cheats on me that's a very clear sign that they just don't give a shit about me.
  • Confidenceoverload
    👌fuck cheaters I’m loyal for life and I never break a promise I’ve kept promises from 1st grade and I’m never going to break those promises because i will always be loyal and trustworthy 👌 but this mytake is great
  • LegateLanius
    You bet your ass I will kick them out of my life if they go against what we agreed on being exclusive. People that do that prove to me that they don't give a shit about me at all.
  • bubble_tea
    Those are some persuasive arguments, but I've also watched a TED talk with some persuasive arguments to give a cheater a second chance as well.
    "Betrayal in a relationship comes in many forms. There are many ways that we betray our partner: with contempt, with neglect, with indifference, with violence. Sexual betrayal is only one way to hurt a partner. In other words, the victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage."
    https://youtu.be/P2AUat93a8Q?t=19m5s
    • Mi2mi2a

      well, it's true that the victim of an affair isn't always the victim of marriage, but that doesn't mean you go back with a cheater either way

    • @Mi2mi2a Exactly! This is just an attempt to try to create sympathy or understanding for the villain. Yes, I may have done things to partners that were unpleasant to them but that does not justify ignoring a solemn promise.

    • You should be old enough to know that the world isn't black and white. Do you have justifying reasons for doing things to your partners that were unpleasant to them? Just saying.

    • Show All
  • Trisha13
    This is absolutely spot on. The damage cheating does to a person who is not a cheater themselves, is reprehensible. No, they do not deserve another chance.
  • JessForAdvice
    Never will I ever stay with someone who has cheated on me, especially if I had children. Once a cheat always a cheat. No excuses EVER
  • Guanfei
    Forgiving a cheater is giving him/her implicitly that he/she can do it again, because you're forgive next time too.
    It's that simple. If you can't keep your pants on, then you're out of my life. Not as an ex, not as a friend, not as a polite and neutral relationship. You're dead to me. From the moment I know to the moment I die, you will never, ever, receive any word or attention from me.
    • Guanfei

      Oh god so many mistakes.
      telling him/her implicitly *
      you'll forgive *

  • Miristheiss
    I would never stick around to find out. I would end things whether we've been together 3 months or married for ten years. They'd be dead to me. If God came down from heaven and guaranteed they'd be the most loyal, loving person to me from that day on... till death, it would be irrelevant to me. I'd know longer want them. People's reactions fall into different spectrums some keep taking their cheaters back, some try to work it out but still have self protecting boundaries, I'm on the end of the spectrum that, that person would become forever, disgusting in my eyes and there'd not be a chance in hell I'd ever have anything to do with them again.
  • CheerGirl38139
    Well, here is one of the rare subjects that I 100% disagree with you on.

    But I'm sorry that this happened to you.
  • TinaSP
    I am so amazed! One of the best texts i read about the subject.
    If only someone write about how to find out without having to wait for a confession...
    • As a man i find very intriguing and definitely interesting look into the female psyche and their perspective of a man's actions. It also confirms a few suspicions of mine. But i am also a firm believer of once a cheater always a cheater...

  • Emma_240302
    This will help me when I get a boyfriend in the near future lol
  • Henrietta1999
    I don't think so because somebody that I know cheated and his girlfriend found out and she cried so hard that it really made him realise how terrible it was!
    • "that it really made him realise"

      Very highly doubtful.

    • Trisha13

      Uh no. You learn right and wrong by age FIVE. He knew exactly what he did was wrong.

    • Show All
  • Auctor
    This is a good read. But I think that everybody could change
  • legalboxers
    people suck. But some may see the light and some dont. all of us aren't cut by the same cloth.
  • My-Shangri-La
    I’m not a believer of “once a cheater, always a cheater”.
    • ITS A CHEATER!!! GET HIM LADIES!!!

    • @vald9inches I haven’t cheated. My point is, I believe people can change

    • HE IS LYING!! GET EM!!!

    • Show All
  • TheBigGiantHead900
    i don't agree with the headline, i was a commit boyfriend to my now ex-girlfriend
    • There are exceptions to every rule, but someone who has cheated does not deserve the second chance to prove that they are the exception.

  • Swolebusser
    Is the person with red hair a dude or chick?
  • QueenofCups
    I couldn't agree more. Thank you for writing this.
  • 2plus2is4
    Yeah you're right
  • musical_kittycat
    There are exceptions, though. Otherwise, I agree.
  • douride2
    I'm a believer in once a cheater always a cheater.
  • disgustingweebtrash
    Interesting
  • NickoN
    yes true
  • I agree
  • CoffeeWC
    well said
  • BronzedAdonis
    well said
  • JennieF
    Not always.
    • Right, not always, but if you heard that someone had cheated and you didn't know anything else about the person. would you predict that they will do it again or would you predict that they won't? And if it's more likely than not that it will happen, why would you give that person another chance?

  • Anonymous
    I cheated while I am still married, yes I am very wrong for cheating and my husband is a pretty abusive guy. Would leave him but its not that simple unfortunately.

    I was never known to be a cheater but...
  • Anonymous
    I agree 100%
  • Anonymous
    You think I’m gonna be a cheater my whole life? Uhm no. If I get married and have kids I wouldn’t cheat on my husband.
    • So you have cheated before?

    • Anonymous

      Yes I have

    • Why did you do it?

    • Show All
  • Anonymous
    They always a cheater
  • Anonymous
    Nice take!
  • Anonymous
    This is true, very rarely do cheaters change
    • If a woman knows her place and actually tries to be decent, her man will have no reason to cheat. Keep his balls empty and he will stick around.

    • @Waftpermidgeon Wrong. Guys do not cheat because their woman isn't keeping them satisfied. Do you think that all a woman needs to do is have very frequent sex with her man and he will not cheat? As if it's HER fault if he cheats? That is a Neanderthal theory.

    • Yes. That is the only reason men cheat. Because their bitch doesn't do the job anymore. Isn't it time for your nap, Grandpa? Go take your Geritol.

  • Anonymous
    That's right
  • Anonymous
    Once a person cheats, they will be a cheater forever - whether they do it again or not. Like an alcoholic. Like a corrupted politician.

    The issue is that, unlike in other cases, cheating hurts other people as well. In the case, the person closest to you who was promised to be loved and cherished.

    But anyhow, as I was told, 'not all of us are strong'. Lol.
    Right. Morally 'strong' people with a sense of pride do not cheat nor do they stay with cheaters.
  • Anonymous
    Yeah.
  • Anonymous
    This seems like its a gut hurt reaction to something and I'm sorry for you. This argument isn't built very well, points are repetitive and clearly don't apply to 100% of causes. Basically, its too emotionally blinded to be effective.

    Sorry you're feeling bad, I hope you feel better soon.
    • The cheating was 12 years ago and I am not still in pain about it. Of course the explanations I used do not apply to every situation. They were meant as illustrations, not definitions.

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