This is about a thing similar to a relationship I cared about a lot. If something like this happened to you too, feel free to share below.
I shouldn’t feel like this, you ended things and I know it’s better this way. It still hurts so much to love you, to can’t stop loving you.
Listening to the songs you introduced me to hurts me more than I can put into words, but it sets the tone for this.
I told you I loved you after knowing you for three years, which is the time by which people I know are usually either already married or at least engaged. We were different, good, toxic, close, distant friends.
I wish I got the chance of meeting you in person, talking to you over the phone was such a privilege and I’ll never forget that.
But opening myself up to you made me vulnerable and you hurt me so many times. Just think about what 2019 had in store for me, how I handled it and how I reached all of my goals. I broke up with someone I didn’t care about anymore after realising I compare every guy I meet with YOU.
I stopped my self-destructive behaviour.
You have no idea what it’s like to see men who look like you walking down the street, it eats me up inside and yet it happens almost every day that I’m reminded of you through some sort of visual stimulus.
And I’m not even talking about how my mind messes with me. Knowing I can’t be with you actually made me crazy. I don’t care anymore. All I cared about was you, and now that you’re gone I’d like to forget about what happened but that’s not possible apparently.
„You’re not a Good Person, honey, we both know that“
You killed me with that a little, I was bullied for four years and hearing this hurt me more than that time did. Why wouldn’t I be a good person? Because I don’t always follow protocol? I’ve explained to you so many times why I CAN‘T be normal, and yet you don’t see the connection.
So I’m not a good person, I don’t know why I’m not but alright, what made you love me then?
You know you loved me at some point, I’d give everything to go to that time and care about you more. I neglected our friendship back then and pay the price for that every day.
I was so close to telling my therapist about you, so close to opening up about how you were the only one I trusted these past few years and how without you, I’d no longer be here. And then I didn’t, because I’m a „boss babe“ and deal with my problems on my own.
I miss your face more than you can imagine, and when I think about the sound of your voice, I start crying because I loved it so much and you’re gone now.
I’ve tried so hard to find a substitute but there’s nobody like you out there. Nobody who’s so different than me and as incompatible with me as you.
I was with this 15-year-old today who, next to me, drank more than three glasses of wine, I no longer drink alcohol, but in that moment I missed it. I miss feeling a little alive and not having to think about my life at that moment. I miss forgetting my problems.
Do you feel the same way? You’re probably smoking too much weed, which you know I hate, and you still don’t care, because you’re as utilitarist as people from your culture are expected to be.
Telling me my body is more than okay afar from my scars hurt me. Loving you, I wanted to get to know every nook and cranny of your body, yet you saw what I hated anyways and pointed it out. That hit me hard, I didn’t expect you to say that because you know why I have them and why I stopped.
We’re as different as two people can be, and what we had was so strong, powerful and toxic at the same time, that I can only tell you I’ll never be able to fully let what we had or you as a person go.
I’ll never love anyone like I loved you, it’ll be different the next time and that’s probably a good thing too. You taught me so much about myself and what I want, and you showed me that not wanting to have children later on is okay.
I regret not meeting you in person, I regret not being able to hug, kiss and hold you, and most of all I regret never meeting your family, the only people you really care about other than me.
I’ll miss you in those lonely moments when I’m on a mountain, watching a sunset, looking at the stars, listening to „our“ music.
And one day, it’ll be okay, I’ll no longer feel lonely and truly be the boss babe you always called me. I’ll transform into this person you wanted me to be and maybe, just maybe I’ll be able to talk to you about what happened when I was a teenager and you were a bit older. Because I care, more than you can imagine. I care about what made you act like an 80 year old despite only being eight years older than me. I care about why you still have a hat from a festival in your apartment that took place seven years ago.
But most of all, I care about why you always pushed me away when you wanted me too.
I promise you that I won’t let anyone fuck me over and that I won’t fall for people who aren’t worthy of my love. Thank you so much for showing me what I deserve, you’ll always be a great friend and I wish we could’ve been more than that.
You were so much more for me, but I wasn’t to you.