Beyond the tears and the pain, this difficult period in which we believe we are dying also helps us to grow. It sheds light on our capacities for resilience as well as on our ability to gradually find our autonomy.
1. A feeling of emptiness
When the veil disappears, we realize that we are "existentially" incomplete. The emptiness arounds us resonates with the one we carry within us. We experience this moment as a transition from all to nothing. Especially when we need our partner to support an ideal, strong and positive self-image. The narcissistic issue is then so important that the answer is in depreciation, sometimes depression.
2. Fear of abandonment
It starts with this terrible question which, since the Oedipus complex, torments us: am I not lovable? Because if, since the very first separation that is birth, we have learned to manage on our own, the end of a romantic relationship also awakens a very childish fear of abandonment. As in our childhood years, we feel helpless, passive, vulnerable.
3. Acknowledge our grief
First, we have to prepare ourselves for the most urgent: absorb the violence of the loss, the fear of emptiness, of the future, absorb the disappointment... Little by little, we'll start to find ourselves, and, in the process, learn, grow, and redefine ourselves.
How? We have to start by acknowledging grief. While the word "breakup" trivializes the event (everyone is breaking up nowadays), we should start acknowledging the heartache, admit the pain, and take our role of subject, therefore our responsibilities. As there has been a co-construction of the couple, there is also a co-separation.
4. Understand the reasons for the breakup
When the cloud of hatred that allows us to feel better by designating the other as the culprit passes, it is necessary to understand what went wrong and how we participated in this failure. "What projects did we have together, what commitments did we make? Who had more power, who made the big decisions?" These are some of the questions that will allow us to avoid the exact same fiasco later on. If we always play our love stories on the same tune, we can indeed learn, from one relationship to another, some variations.
5. An opportunity to redefine ourselves
Every separation (and the pain that goes with it) teaches us a little more the essential: how to deal with our fundamental solitude? It is a frightening question, but one full of promise. Being alone then gives us the opportunity to redefine ourselves. Some people realize that because they wanted to stick too closely to their partner's expectations, they lose their true identity.
The opportunity has come to reconnect with ourselves, and to reconnect with others. By realizing that we are not collapsing, that we can count on those around you, the breakup is also revealing resources, both internal and external, unsuspected or forgotten. Little by little, we discover that we can live without a partner. To have fun without one. And even to be feel good alone.
When the pain goes away, we are ready to make "the bet of love" again. Knowing that we will never find total satisfaction does not prevent us from risking it again, with lighter and less existential expectations. We will find a more "dignified love", a love matured by previous sorrows.