My boyfriend messed up big time and I don't know if I should forgive him or not?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend kissed a girl 2 months ago and just told me about it. I broke up with him and he's doing everything to get me back. He had a panic attack when I broke up with him and he cried the entire day. He also reread my notes and told me what he would miss the most about our relationship. He knows that what he did was wrong and he wants to change but I don't know if I can trust him. Is he sincere or not? And did I do the right thing?

[JohnB1]

Yes, you did the right thing. There is Zero tolerance for cheaters and liars. Liars can be people who hide stuff from you. There are plenty of good looking guys out there lining up to date you who wouldn't even think about doing that. Cheaters and Liars are always pattern offenders.

I think he is sincere. Trust him if he has NO current contact with the girl he kissed. No text, No facebook, etc.

Do not trust him if he has some form of contact with the girl he kissed.

If you trust him, then forgive him. You only forgive people you trust.

If you cannot trust him, then don't forgive him.

Caution: if you date him again, set the expectations from the start. Even if it means Zero flirting with other girls until you can trust him again. If he is for real, then he will follow and obey your expectations with no rebellion and to the detail.

[Asker]

Well we all row on the same team so he does, but not currently because the season is over. They might have contact during summer camp though. I don't know if he has her number but Im pretty sure they're Facebook friends

[JohnB1]

If he is truly serious about winning you back and keeping you after then he will cut all contact with the girl if you nicely ask him to. You tell him that I feel uncomfortable and we can't move forward until you cut contact with her and leave her in the past.

Asking him to prove what contact he has with her should be one of the first things during the "get back together" conversation. This is setting the expectation. If he refuses to cut contact, then he chose her over you and he wasn't as serious about you as thought.

[Asker]

He deleted her number and blocked her on facebook. Ill have to check up on this to be sure. And he didn't argue with my requests

[JohnB1]

Then he needs another chance. But only give him a chance if you feel that chemistry and butterflies you once had for him. Also, proceed with caution at first and tell him it will take a little time (2 months) to get your complete trust back.

Tell him it takes time to get trust back because people who hurt you, lie to you, and cheat on you are pattern offenders.

Just remember, You always got options. That's why you shouldn't stress, attractive girls always got options and will gladly give their love to someone else.

[Asker]

Okay thanks. This will be his third chance actually

[JohnB1]

Well, 3 strikes and your out. You must be a forgiving and patient person. In the relationship world, you only get 2 chances (strikes) and your out. You got the power in this relationship now and you got options if it doesn't work. No Chemistry=No Relationship. Good Luck!

[Asker]

Thank you so much. Your support helps

[BertMacklinFBI]

okay if this is his first mistake, honestly, only if you feel and want to then you can give him a second chance. but there is not going to be a second mistake. once he makes that second mistake call it quits and tell him to eff off.

[Asker]

Okay, he did make an earlier mistake. He broke up with me 3 months in our relationship due to "schoolwork" when in fact he liked someone else

[BertMacklinFBI]

so then that is mistake number 1 and him kissing another girl and telling you about it 2 months later is mistake number 2?

[Asker]

Correct

[BertMacklinFBI]

and what is the window of time this all happened in? like did mistake #1 and #2 both happen within 1-3 months of each other?

[Asker]

No, they happened 6 months apart

[BertMacklinFBI]

well the problem is he already created a pattern since he made a second mistake. you can either give him that third chance and see if he repeats the pattern or if he will stay loyal to you. 2 mistakes is kinda pushing it though IMHO. first time is an accident. second time is just dumb. third time what the fuck.

[Asker]

Yeah, even his own mom thought it was stupid of him to do what he did

[BertMacklinFBI]

hahah yeah and his mom knows him better than anyone else. just do what you feel like you wanna do because if you do decide to give him 1 more chance then you dont have to tell him shit if he fucks up again. just walk on. but please punch him for me because 3 mistakes is so fucking ridiculous. makes me mad that he dumb lol

[Asker]

What scares me is that I would not have known about his fuck up if he hadn't told me and those that knew when it happened hadn't clued me in. Its so frustrating

[BertMacklinFBI]

yeah i feel you on that. it just makes you imagine what the really bad shit is that he's hiding from you. maybe you've only just tapped the surface. just think on it for like a day and then see how you feel. sounds like a major douche bag to me though:p no offense haha

[Asker]

Yeah, he's in a terrible position. After what he did to me left him with 3 friends; my best friend, his brothers girlfriend, and his best friend who's on whatever drugs

[Asker]

Okay, Im starting to see the light now because after he told me about his cheating and I was mad he tried to deny it and say it was a joke. so I think that was mistake #3

[BertMacklinFBI]

man i ditched all my old homies that did drugs. all they do is push drugs now. all i know is a girl doesn't want to put herself in a worse position than she already is in. you'll know whats best for you.

[Asker]

Yeah, hopefully he won't do drugs unless he already has behind my back knowing that id disapprove

[BertMacklinFBI]

ok so we went from 1 mistake to 2 all the way to 3. well thats a home fucking run. if he makes 4 then you know what you gotta do hahahaha. young boys are dumb aren't they?

[Asker]

They really are and its killing me how sincere he sounds. My friends say that he really loved me but he fucked up big time in their eyes

[BertMacklinFBI]

he's being sincere because he is in the wrong. if he actually knew what love is and he really did love you then you would be happy right now. he's too young and is going to fuck up more until probably age 35+. lol. he couldn't be straight with you to begin with.. ugh thats just shitty.

[Asker]

Yeah, it really blows. I lost him as a close friend due to this

[BertMacklinFBI]

thats the thing. the losing a close friend part is all on him. he caused all of it. it sucks but it was his wrong doing and what could you have done about it right? the dude will have to live with his consequences and hopefully learn from them. and now you gain a whole new experience of these types of guys that exist plenty around the world and you know how to avoid them in the future.

[Asker]

Yeah, I can honestly say that I now know the warning signs of a cheater and this has made me stronger

[BertMacklinFBI]

dude thats awesome! i can say im proud of you:D hahaha

[Asker]

Thanks. Do you consider me mature for my age which is 16?

[BertMacklinFBI]

reading your responses yeah you seem pretty mature for 16. You're analyzing the situation instead of making impulse decisions and i feel like you're calm while doing all this. plus you stated that this has made you stronger. when a girl quotes something like that about herself, thats just awesome:)

[Asker]

Thanks. I only hope to keep learning more and make right decisions

[BertMacklinFBI]

and you will. i still got a lot to learn as well. haha. good luck to you

[Sampo]

Well why did he do it? Was he pursuing the girl for a while, or was it random and not thought out? Either way he took you for granted in that moment, and he can whine and try to win you back all he wants if you take him back there is a chance he'll think he can do whatever he wants and you'll still take him back. You did the right thing in my eyes. And besides it says your under 18, don't waste your time with a chump, you have plenty of years to go through guys like that, change it up find someone who knows how to control themselves.

[Asker]

The girl appeared to be random though I knew her, but who the hell knows. And yeah, there's so much more out there. Im only going to be a junior in highschool

[Anonymous]

Awwww poor baby had a panic attack! ...and? Drop him, never look back. How pathetic, don't let someone treat you like that. Of course he's doing everything he can to get you back.
He's told you about it, alleviating HIS guilt because it was eating him up. Now HE feels better, and wants his cake and to eat it too.
Don't look back. Let him whine and beg all he wants. He doesn't value you, otherwise he never would have done that. Be glad he told you, but remember he only did it for himself.

[Asker]

Thanks very much

[caramel_latte]

I believe kissing is considered cheating. I agree with the person who said that he told you so that he could relieve his own guilt, because he probably couldn't live with it. Now he wants your relationship to continue? I'm sorry, but if you allow him to treat you like that and get away with kissing someone else...he is going to take advantage of you during the course of your relationship. I wouldn't take him back, its just going to be a huge waste of time in the end.

[Asker]

That's true

[curbin]

You definitely did the right thing; if my boyfriend kissed another girl at any point in our relationship -- be it the first month of us dating or 4 years into our relationship -- I would leave him and would never look back. No non-cheating person deserves to be cheated on in a relationship, and I'm sure that you'll be able to find someone who would treat you better.

[Asker]

Thank you. it definitely hurt because we were having no problems when he cheated or when he told me about the act. Since he did that I think that I do deserve better

[AmongTheApples]

Anonymous speaks the truth. If this ever happens again—and it will—you've increased the chances that he'd just conceal it. You should just be thankful that he told you the truth—this time—and move on.

[Asker]

I know. Especially because I wouldn't have found out if he hadn't had told me. Few people knew of the occurance

[sherlocked]

I hate to say this but if I were you I would have probably forgiven him if I was in love with him.

But I know that'd be a mistake so I say don't take him back.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Hero9951]

No bullshit? Honestly? Look him dead in the face and ask him if he's done. If he's the right one hell say yes. Being done means when you look at her your done looking. That's she's everything you've ever wanted. No excuse. Tell him it has to be that or your out. That's as real as you'll get your answer from a guy.

[Asker]

That question of being 'done' can be misinterpreted to mean 'are you done with me/this relationship?' so I don't think that's the best question to ask

[LeaMo]

You actually lucky to have an honest BF, i think you made the wrong decision by breaking up with him cos clearly you did/ said it with anger. Forgive him and try fix the situation. Take it as just one of those obstacles in life. at least he opened up to u and told you the truth cos he wasn't proud of what he did. Hope my opinion add value.

[Asker]

Thank you. I know that he feels guilt, but its so shameful to get back with a cheater

[victoria148]

If a guy tells you instead of getting caught he genuinely cares about you and yalls relationship im not saying take him back immediately but it sounds like he's sincerely sorry. it could be worse luckily all he did was kiss her. I say tell him you wanna try to trust him again but he has to earn it back and that you haven't forgiven him yet but your willing to try.

[Asker]

Yeah, can you please read some of my comments for the rest of the story like his other mistakes? And I know that he feels really bad about what he's done and im kind of scared what people will think if I do get back with him because they know what he's done

[victoria148]

Look I'm engaged and my fiance and i split at one point during the engagement during that time he was apparently "vulneraable" and slept with an old close friend and without my requests when we got back together he blocked her on EVERYTHING and it's still that way and he did the same thing your boyfriend did. My fiance is currently at basic training for the army while I am at home planning our wedding and we've never been happier and we've worked on all our issues and when this happened i didn't find out from him i found out from his mom because she thought I had known

[Asker]

That is awesome! I am so glad that you guys worked things out and are now happily in love. Hopefully I can achieve the same in my relationship

[kittykatg]

How serious were the two of you when it happened? If it wasn't serious or a really bad rough patch then forgive him. He seems sincere to me.

[Asker]

It was a rough time actually. I was mad at him for things that he didn't really have control over and I was kind of ignoring him but I don't know if he kissed her in early April when things were fine or in late April when things weren't

[Asker]

So the date was April 4rd. I don't remember having any relationship problems then

[kittykatg]

That could be why you were having relationship issues he was feeling over whelmed then made out with her then shit hit the fan. He seems sincere though since guys don't normally cry over something unless they truly care about it.

[Asker]

Yeah, according to his brother he was stress vomiting after I broke up with him so im pretty sure that's real. But in early April we werent having any problems that I remember so im not sure what the deal was

[kittykatg]

Just because you weren't having any problems doesn't mean that he wasn't. It was a one time thing. You should be grateful that he was honest with you.

[Asker]

Why didn't he tell me about his problems then, instead of kissing another girl?

[kittykatg]

Some guys don't know how to express their problems to people that they care about and rely on others instead. He was probably confiding in her when it happened. That's what happened to me.

[Asker]

Well maybe he needs to learn to express his problems before getting back in a relationship so I should let him work that out

[kittykatg]

Maybe it's your choice.

[still_waiting]

You Should only do what you feel is right but it seems he is very sincere to me. If you love him and want to give him another chance then go for it

[Asker]

Okay, thank you

[haha_ok]

You can forgive him but that doesn't mean you should take him back

[Asker]

I don't see a point in holding a grudge because I know that does nothing but make me unhappy

[haha_ok]

You are right. Grudges are negative extra baggage that we carry along and weigh us down from our highest potential. However, letting go of the grudge =/= letting him back into your life. You can let go of what he did without taking him back and not teaching him a lesson.

[Asker]

Yeah, he's definitely going through hell right now for what he's done. I've talked to his brother

[haha_ok]

Good. He should be.

Don't fall for it because it'll just happen again.

[Asker]

Yeah, forgive and forget

[BC1001]

Of course he messed up its always the guy. We all know the women in the relationship never messes up. Sarcasm.

[Asker]

Lol. Silly males

[still_waiting]

He's being sarcastic asker. @anon are you really trying to say that? He clearly messed up HE cheated wtf

[BC1001]

@still waiting Yes in a weird way men are always seen as the cheaters even though more and more women are likely to cheat.

[still_waiting]

HE did cheat. This isn't a hypothesis its a fact. HE DID cheat

[still_waiting]

And if you read all the online articles men are more likely to cheat. Its biological somehow. They need to sleep with many women to carry on their genes. Or that's what the sociologists say

[BC1001]

I understand that but all I was saying was people need to realize its not just guys who cheat.

[enigmatta]

Dude, stick to the asker's situation instead of making a misplaced gender speech out of it.

[BC1001]

WTF is your problem? I answered her question learn to read.

[Anonymous]

Why would he Kiss another girl to begin with! I don't blame you for breaking up with him. I will do the same thing.

[Asker]

The girl convinced him too and he said there was no reason. Later he told me her pity story and maybe he felt bad for her

[Opinion Owner]

I'm sorry that's such a lie. How can someone convince him too. He probably just said that so you can forgive him.

[Asker]

Yeah. It does smell like bullshit

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it does. Do you honestly wanna be with a person like that. Once a cheater always a cheater.

[Asker]

Honestly cheating on top of lying and hypocrisy is just terrible

[Opinion Owner]

Yes it is. You deserve better then him. It's his lost ! he lost you.

[Asker]

Yeah. He's in a pretty terrible situation right now because everybody thinks that what he did was incredibly stupid

[Opinion Owner]

It is very stupid. I'm sorry he hurt you

[Asker]

Yeah, I am too

[nickstaa]

You done the right thing zero tolerance for cheating is the best way to go by.

[Asker]

Thank you

[Anonymous]

And then people wonder why people rather lie than be sincere...

[Asker]

What do you mean?

[Opinion Owner]

People lie to avoid the repercussion for their errors. This is why children lie as well: because if they're honest, they get punished far more severely.

[Asker]

And then when they're found out the punishment is so much worse. Id rather have brutal honestly

[Anonymous]

dont trust him! mean are evil! naw but seriously, you should find a guy that will treat you better than him

[Asker]

Thanks. He did treat me pretty well during the relationship despite his teenage thirst, but I should accept that that is over now

[apropos]

Why would he tell you about it?

[Asker]

The guilt was eating him alive