Why is my ex boyrfiend keeping my stuff now?

[MonAmour]

Would appreciate an opinion on this.

So my ex bf dumped me in a very mean way (via Messenger) and the first thing he wrote was that he wanted to bring my stuff back ASAP. I deleted FB and changed my number right after that...

Then he started sending my mom when he could drop off my stuff. When he came to get some of his stuff (I stayed in my room) he was asking about WHEN to drop my stuff again.

That was right after the break up and 3 days after...

10 days later he tries to contact, I ignore.

Yesterday he sent a huuuge emotinonally text to my mom how he is hurt and blabla... But he never brings up my stuff anymore that he wanted to so URGENTLY get rid of.

I'm not breaking NC and he can keep them... But why this sudden change from URGENT to not even bringing them up anymore?

Updates

+1 y

Not really because at this point I'm not even sure if he wants to still be with me... It scares me to get rejected all over again.

[med11]

NC is so stupid in this case as you clearly miss this guy and want to talk to him. Stop being stubborn and contact him or you are only harming your own self. Simply call him and ask him why he said whatever he said the way he said it, and then ask what he wants to do with the "stuff" thus putting him on the spot. In doing this you will both show you still care and also give a sneaky ultimatum of sorts that he needs to shit or get off the pot if he plans to make his move.

NC only matters if both parties are over it and since you clearly aren't over him and, if what you say is true, he isn't over you either so you both are acting stupidly and should just talk like mature adults.

[MonAmour]

I am not acting stupidly, he just hurt me and I come out a miscarriage, I do NC also to heal myself, I love him, but it's hard...

[med11]

I don't follow your meaning. You had a miscarriage is what you meant?

[MonAmour]

Yeah sorry for the bad English, ..

[med11]

You had a miscarriage and he broke up with you after? Is that what you're saying? As in, he started a fight and you didn't attack him or say anything to him at all that he responded to? He just randomly broke up with you after you lost your guys' baby?

[MonAmour]

Basically, he left me 2 weeks after my curretage to remove the fetus, he was acting all different and left, the reasons for the break up were not even logical. He still kept sending my mother texts about the doctor appointements and how he wanted to drive me (i refused) and now all of a sudden he texted her how heartbroken he was...

[med11]

I am not asking what I am asking because I have a sneaky agenda but if you truly want your question answered in a logical, truthful and direct manner I simply cannot go by half answers as I am not the type of man who tells people something just because they want to hear it.

My point is that you both just lost your baby and unless I know what he said, it is impossible to be able to respond in the manner you want. Also, how far along were you and was this a curettage abortion or after miscarriage curettage procedure based on tissue? I ask this because, as a man, he just lost his baby too so given the two week period he was likely devastated beyond belief if he wanted the child so that is why I am asking in depth questions.

Also, he acted appropriately and handled his responsibility by wanting to stand by you during your procedure (which is honorable) and also was likely interested as any man would be to find out what happened.

Unless I know what was said to you I cannot infer.

[MonAmour]

His reason for breaking up you mean?
If that's what you mean his "reason" was he found out that I slept with a guy he didn't like BEFORE I knew him. Also I was still texting with an ex when I was seeing him, he found out and told me never to do so again, I didn't and we never talked about it again... He took a big house for us, ect, and 8 months after that accident he uses it as a break up excuse. I actually don't think it has anything to do with the miscarriage, he was acting different before the miscariage... I was 9 weeks far.

[med11]

Hmm, that is important information to know. It seems to me it was a trust issue and that he was upset about the loss of the child but also stressed out due to your pregnancy and once he realized you were no longer pregnant he decided he had a chance to move forward. However, since then he realized he made an error and is trying to reconcile.

In terms of you having sex with that other guy, don't blame yourself for that as you did nothing wrong (as long as you didn't cheat) so I deduce he is likely just upset about that and every time he sees you he likely sees him on you. Some guys take that specific issue seriously and feel like a fall back plan so he simply reacted, realized he still cares and came back.

That said, if you still love him, hear what he has to say and if it isn't acceptable, move on. If he makes a good point and explains himself well, see how you feel and go from there.

[MonAmour]

This is very helpful, thank you for taking your time to write this to me.

He didn't try to reconcile though, he only sent how much he is still thinking about me, how he's heartbroken and emotionally drained... that was a text to my mother since he can not contact me anymore now that FB is deleted and I changed phone number.

Do you think it is a sign he may want to rekindle though and is regretting? Hope it is.

[med11]

That equals reconcile to a guy who is gauging your feeling. He is merely testing you.

If I was you I would call him from your Mothers phone so he doesn't have your new number, see what he has to say, and decide only after you consider his words. You have to also give him some slack here too as he not only lost his baby but also is likely emotional about that other cock being in the girl he loves. Some people (men or women) just act emotionally when hurt or feeling like they don't matter.

I personally think if you still love this man you should see what he has to say because you lose absolutely nothing by listening but you may gain something. The risk vs reward is just something you shouldn't resist.

[med11]

Let me know how it works out for you if you choose to take my advice. I am always curious about those things.

[MonAmour]

I honestly just can't go and call him now, I'm still emotional and not ready to talk to him in any way... I did NC to heal, I'll see if he takes another initiative in contacting me, and if he is serious about talking to me and not my mom I'll consider...

[med11]

Oh honey, honey... I wish you could understand why he was talking to your Mom.

Well, regardless, I sense a good outcome for this situation one way or another.

[MonAmour]

It really makes me freak out, I am on meds already and this limbo... It's horrible :( Well, do you know why he was talking to her? I can't figure it out, I'm scared he is actually trying to have contact to know if I'm "still around" and leave again.

[med11]

He is talking to her for one reason and one reason alone my dear. That reason is to get to you, talk to you, do his best to prove to you he cares about you. Since you took away your contact information from him, his actions are a "last resort" type action and think of it this way:

"If he didn't care about you, why would he be doing what he is doing?"

Fairly obvious he cares and that is why I have suggested you contact him.

[MonAmour]

Something new happened, my mom had to call him because of workingpapers (his my ex boss, fired me about the BU obviously) and he started talking about how I messed everything up AGAIN... Sighn but then sent a message to say that he did have loved me to death, that I was the woman of dis dreams, the one you only meet once, and that he doesn't rust anyone now, he see things differently, all that, can tell you how stressed out I am right now... So do you things he hasn't turned the page here?

[med11]

The "BU" stands for what? You speak English well but I want to make sure I am not missing something.

Well, psychologically speaking, I am not so sure you love this man as much as you have convinced yourself that you do. Part of my statements were aimed not just to advise but also left key words to test to see how you reacted and I speculate that your brain is convinced he isn't for you/you have moved on but your emotions & fear (security/being lonely/fear, etc) are what is driving your current actions.

I see you are in Belgium and that you are 25-29 so I know, given your age, that you have likely been around, had your heart broken like anyone else time to time, & you understand how the "game" works by this point. So my question to you is, what do YOU want. Not anyone else, not your Mother, not me, not him, not Joe Blow, not Sally Slurper, nobody except YOU. What do you want?

[MonAmour]

Sorry, I try :)

BU: Break up...
What makes you say that I don't love him as I have convinced myself if I may ask?

I really do feel I love him though and want to give this another go, but that's up to him, I think there are feelings there since he still talks about it a month after the break up and just sent my mom a message saying how much he had loved me, that he saw me as the woman of his dreams ect... Also he is 45, I never thougth a man that age would act that way.

[med11]

I say that because people who love and see the object of their love trying to contact them, contact them back to try to work things out because they fear to lose that which they love and punishments or NC go out the window once they see the one they love make a move that indicates they feel the same.

You say it's up to him but, in truth, it is you that is holding the process up by not responding to a person who is trying to get a hold of you. Don't get me wrong, I understand why you would initiate NC to protect yourself but, at this point, it is simply not necessary because the board has been set and he moved his piece leaving him to now say to himself "she doesn't love me anymore" because you haven't responded to his contact.

If someone loves someone, they do their part. So, do your part before he becomes too embittered, worried, stressed or lashes out. He isn't "acting" anyway, men are allowed to be hurt and he is hurt. See the issue as a whole and not just one area.

[MonAmour]

I maybe would if he would be positive, but all he does is basically keep blaming me for the break up while that's complete BS, you don't break up for crap like that... I've been through worse with exes and you need to take time to work it out and talk about it, he never even wanted to give me a second chance, he acts like I cheated or something.

So it's not because he takes initiative to contact to complain some more to my mom that he wants to get back together, the only positive that he said is that he had loved me very much and was thinking about me and also that I used to be the woman of his dreams.

But you give the woman of your dreams a second chance and don't just break up for BS reasons from 10 months ago.

[med11]

Hmmm, there is a way to handle this without putting yourself out there. Have you considered writing a heart felt, HONEST, and direct letter to him about your concerns, reasoning, how his actions hurt you, how his actions continue to hurt you, what you need from him, what he isn't doing for you, and by stating that you desire he respects your choice to have time to yourself to weigh his response and that his response will go a long way to your decision.

[Gurleen_Singh]

I think he felt insulted when u didn't meet him when he came and now he will not give u things back. U should call him at your place and slap him on his face. And after that take your things back. And he would never try to dump any girl in that mean way

regards
gurleen

[MonAmour]

Nah, he asked to bring the stuff back even after he got some of his crap, insulted? I should be insulted, who dumps a person via Messenger? he's freaking 45 yo :D

[Gurleen_Singh]

Call him , take your things back and insult him and take the hell out of him, make him feel the same what u felt during breakup. And what did he messaged in the messenger

[Plato]

I think that your question isn't what you're asking, but rather, you're asking how to make the pain go away? You make it go away when you stop giving more thought to the joe blow.

[MonAmour]

No, my question really is why couldn't he stop bringing my stuff up and now isn't talking about them anymore :)

[Plato]

Do you want your stuff back, or it doesn't matter? I take the latter, I think, but if I'm right, then why not forget about him. I mean, clearly you care a great deal to have taken the time to post this.