My boyfriend and I broke up because he was arrested for domestic violence and I got drunk and slept with someone else. but I love him & want him back?

my boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence, I dropped the charges and it took him a month and a half to finally contact me after that, despite many attempts to contact him. I assumed the relationship was over because a relationship is based on communication and there was absolutely none of that for a month and a half, even after I dropped the charges. he owed me an apology and a thank you.

I didn't want to move on, call me crazy or an idiot or any other name you can because I know it's foolish of me but I am madly in love with him and I can forgive him for what he did... I wanted to be with him and get back together. but after weeks of not hearing from him, I felt like I had no choice but to try to move on.

one night after the bar, I was drunk and went home with a friend of mine and we had sex. it was a foolish drunken one night stand- it meant nothing to me. I cried afterwards because I was so ashamed at what I had done. I love my ex boyfriend and I could never, ever have imagined myself with anyone else, but I was in a dark lonely place and extremely vulnerable- it just happened.

finally, my ex boyfriend calls me and says he's ready to talk. so we meet up in a coffee shop to talk and he tells me he's thought about things and wants to get back together. I was ecstatic because like I said I love him and he's my best friend. but then he asked me if I had been with anyone sexually and I couldn't lie to him (even though it's none of his business and he had NO RIGHT to ask me).. but I told him the truth. it didn't go so well...

he said I was tainted and that he could never EVER be with me again and I ruined any chance we ever had of us being together again.

to me, that is just not fair. why is he being so extreme about this? he blocked my phone number, facebook, twitter, instagram, everything. he's even blocked my friends. he said he as to forget I ever existed.

if I can forgive what he did to me, why can't he forgive me?

Updates:
he completely shut me out and didn't return my phone calls or texts until HE decided HE was ready to talk. which isn't fair because HE'S the one who messed up and got us into this mess in the first place. so why if he flipping it around on me?

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Most Helpful Girl

  • The Mere thoughts of Anyone putting a finger on you has him "Flipping out,' but being Because of What 'Mess in the first place' that he had started, you were Actually between a rock and a hard place when you----Went in between the sheets for a One nite stand, not really knowing if you and your boyfriend at that time were even an Item. And of course, getting pie eyed, Because of Him, didn't help any.
    Now he is having this hissy fit now and is seeing Red, Not seeing things your way. It's alright for the gander, but not for the goose? Look who is calling the kettle black?
    Give it some time, let him absorb this, and I believe that in time, he will be crawling back to you with his tail between his legs. Give him some space, some room to breath, and when he is ready to talk about This, Get Ready to talk to him on Your end about-----Domestic Violence. It's important for open lines of communication and if you both want to stay in this relationship. It has to stop somewhere down the line.
    I can't promise you that if you both go back together tomorrow that it won't happen again with him and his problem. It could become a pattern, it sounds as though he most likely needs help for it, and the way I see it, your 'One nite stand' can't even Compare to his Many More times in the future that he could pull It again.
    I'm wondering even now: Did you ever get That apology and thanks?
    Good luck. xx

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    • what i got was a half ass apology, but never really a thank you. his ego is too big and he has too much pride to admit that he was wrong.. and take full responsibility for his actions. i even showed him how my jaw pops out and even then he couldn't believe it, or admit to it. it's almost like it never happened to him.

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    • i know, you are right. thank you. its just hard when i think of the good times and the person he used to be.. rather than the person he ended up being in the end..

    • Yes, but being an enabler is no good either... Move on, you're better off... Someday the memories will just be a---Memory when your new Ones in store Outweigh This... xx

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 25

  • I will go to my grave never understanding this fucked up thought process that women have. I guess it's just a complete lack of self respect.

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  • I know this might be an older post but you have two things if not more that hurt your relationship with this guy first the domestic violence , any man boy or male that hits on a woman will not stop at doing it just once , i have seen this happen to many times to know they do not change ever , two you filed charges against him but then dropped them , not a good thing to do dropping the charges because he will only do it again maybe not right away but he will always resent that you filed them in the first place three while he was locked up or what ever you got drunk and slept with someone else being drunk is no excuse and it does not make it right you did what you did because deep down you really wanted to no ifs and or butts fact is even if you was sober you probably would have slept with the other friend
    Now on a lighter side you was honest and told him OK 1 point for you but did you ask him the same question that he asked you? hell he might have slept with someone as well the time you was apart and now you will never know if he did or not he was probably relieved to find out you did and then put all the blame on you best advice I can give you is find a man that will treat you like a lady one that does not beat women and be totally 100% honest with him and he with you and forget the jealousy BS it kills more relations then anything else

    no woman ever need be with a boy who hits her even if she loves him get out while you can or some day he will bury you and everyone at your funurl will say we told her so

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    • i didn't get him arrested. i was driving when this happened and there were many people around who saw and they called the cops. when the cops came i told them there was no problem and begged them to take him home but they said since it was a domestic incident they had to take him to the station and press charges. it was the state pressing charges against him, not me pressing charges against him. he only spent a few hours in jail, was released and then appeared in court 2 weeks later. i dropped the charges because i did not want his future affected by this at all. which was a mistake because he messed my jaw up. i had a $2000 hospital bill from going to get a cat scan and an MRI and he did not take responsibility for either of those things. i was extremely hurt by how he handled this situation and for him not reaching out to apologize/thank me. and yes i slept with someone and it was a mistake. but out of everything that has happened... i am NOT the bad guy.

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    • Ah because you had bruises that is why the pressed charges even though you did not , because in most cases the female is to scared to follow through on the charges and way he reacted like any guy would that is jealous , he wanted you to him self and you couldn't wait that long till he got out or what ever reason you decided to go out and party get drunk and go home with someone other then him. and you yourself presumed the relationship was over and thats why you done what you did he has moved on and so should you it was never meant to be if it was you would of worked things out and still be together , my best advice is find someone who is not jealous or possessive and also remember relationships is not just communicating with each other it is being 100% honest and no jealousy once you have those two things you will have a good life with each other oh and if he hits you once he will do it again

    • Wait I thought he was arrested then dropped all contact because of arrest then you had a drunk sex night.

  • This relationship is so riddled with red flags you could have a parade!
    For your own sanity and well being, drop this abuser and move on!
    No excuses!

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    • Ok, this man has not returned your calls, abused you physically, ignored you, continues to threaten you with violence, and you allow HIM to question your morals?

      Girl put your house in order. This is a toxic relationship and the sooner you say goodbye to him the better off you will be.

      Try not to put your heart over your head, but this is truly a no brainer!
      All of the responses posted so far agree with this.
      We can't all be wrong!

      Take the advice you have asked for here on GaG and move forward.
      God Bless you. 😐

    • i've gotten many responses saying i cheated and that i'm the fucked up one. would you consider what i did cheating? was i wrong or fucked up in doing that? that's what everyone seems to be telling me.

  • I can not BELIEVE all the discussions about this when the answer is so clear. You answered the question yourself. "My boyfriend and I broke up because he was arrested for domestic violence." " he messed my jaw up. i had a $2000 hospital bill from going to get a cat scan and an MRI and he did not take responsibility for either of those things" You are being just like all the stereotypical women you see on the cop tv shows who get beat and go back to their husband. Let me tell you something. My mother was a legal secretary for 30 years in domestic law. So she saw all the beaten wives, abused children, drug addict parents, you name it. You want to know how many of those beaten wives she knew that ended up dead from their husbands because they stayed with them? More than you can count.

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    • woops i just voted your answer down but i didn't mean to! sorry about that. thank you for your response. these people seem to think a drunken foolish one night stand is far worse than him putting my life in danger. and i can't explain to you why i want him back... i guess i keep thinking about the good things and the person he USED to be, rather than the person he turned out to be...

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    • if he isn't hurt, then he should have no reason to be so upset with me to the point where he is saying and doing the things he's been saying and doing. it's too extreme. it doesn't make sense. he has no reason to be mad at ME.

    • He's not mad AT you, he's mad he can't control you and use you as his punching bag anymore. As far as it being too extreme, he left you with a 2000 dollar hospital bill. THAT is too extreme. This type of "too extreme" behavior is exactly why you ended up in the hospital in the first place, and why it will continue if you associate with him again.

      Your problem is you're trying to apply logic in a situation where there is none. Why is he doing this? Why is he acting this way? Forget WHY. It makes sense in his mind and his alone. All the more reason he is dangerous.

  • This seems like a relationship that was destined to end and thankfully for both of you it did. 2 wrongs don't make a right. He struck you which should have already ended the relationship, then you cheated. You can sugar-coat it all you want. Its your responsibility to stay sober and keep your legs closed and you didn't. He feels betrayed. You should feel angered he struck you and you should be mad that he won't forgive your transgressions either. I would just let it go and begin the healing process. It will work out in the long run for both of you.

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    • i agree two wrongs dont make a right. but can you really call what i did cheating? it obviously was a huge mistake and i regret it every day of my life and would do ANYTHING to take it back.. but was i wrong to think our relationship was done? i had tried to contact him for a month and a half and got NOTHING in return... and he was even telling people he didn't want to talk to me or try to fix things. i messed up, i will own that 100%. i wish i never did it.. but please look at all the facts here. he was arrested for PUNCHING ME and CHOKING ME while i was driving my car... and i wasn't even the one who called the cops. and then i STILL dropped the charges on him! then it took him over a month to FINALLY apologize to me.

    • I did look at all the facts and its one of the reason why me and most people say you shouldn't want anything to do with him. He seems like a loser. Your relationship seems toxic and unhealthy. I'm sure your relationship was all sun and rosey before this incident. The relationship needed to die. Move on you will find better.

  • Quite honestly be glad it's over.

    One case of domestic assault will lead to it happening again.

    If he had wanted/needed a bit of time to get his head together. He should have said so. Not shut down completely.

    Unlike most others here, I don't feel what you did is cheating.
    Like you said after weeks of no communication (and you did say you did attempt it). You decided to move on. Whether you were drunk or not when you had sex is irrelevant. It happened.

    I agree he is the one who started this whole mess. as to why he isn't willing to forgive your actions does seem rather selfish. But it is what it is.

    I suggest you do your best to forget about him And move on. The relationship is toxic.

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    • thank you for understanding. if he had just said he didn't know what he wanted and needed time, i would have appreciated that so much. he punched me and choked me while i was driving and i wasn't even the one who called the cops. there were plenty of people around who saw it happen. i know what i did was wrong especially since i wanted to be with him regardless of what he did, but i was under the impression we were completely done because of the way he handled the situation.

  • Maybe he knows he's not good enough for you even if you cheated on him, maybe he knows he can't control himself. That he might hurt you, it could be best to just move on

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    • I know I made a big mistake by sleeping with someone else but after what he did and how he handled the situation I don't know how you can say I "cheated" on him

  • I'm Going To Give You My Unlicensed Professional Opinion, Along With IronEddie Im Also Happy The Relationship Is Over, Violence In A Relationship Is Serious & Unfortunately You Weren't Strong Enough To Walk Away, Dont Beg Or Plead, Walk Away & Leave Him Alone...

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    • i understand that. but can you give your opinion on me sleeping with someone else and his reaction towards that? and just how he handled the situation as a whole in general?

    • Ok, this man has not returned your calls, abused you physically, ignored you, continues to threaten you with violence, and you allow HIM to question your morals?

      Girl put your house in order. This is a toxic relationship and the sooner you say goodbye to him the better off you will be.

      Try not to put your heart over your head, but this is truly a no brainer!
      All of the responses posted so far agree with this.
      We can't all be wrong!

      Take the advice you have asked for here on GaG and move forward.
      God Bless you. 😐

  • "my boyfriend was arrested for domestic violence, I dropped the charges "

    That sentence says enough.
    Only one advice possible: move on, find a better guy, even if this one makes you want him back.

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    • elaborate on "that sentence says enough." do you think i was wrong in what i did? do you think he is wrong to hate me for sleeping with someone else? do you think he handled the situation completely wrong?

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    • thank you for understanding, and not attacking me or belittling me like everyone else on this post! and thank you for seeing the situation for how it really is.. and how HE handled it. thank you!!!

    • Always a class act, this man!

  • "even though it's none of his business and he had NO RIGHT to ask me"

    Um, wrong.
    He had a right to ask you because he was under the impression y'all were still together, regardless of how shitty he was being.
    You shouldn't want him back because he hit you.
    He doesn't want you back because you DID taint y'all's relationship.

    Move on and deal with it.

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    • how could he assume we were still together if he wasn't answering my phone calls or texts? if it took him almost two months to finally have a conversation with me? how am i supposed to know that he assumes we're still together if he's deliberately ignoring my attempts to contact him, and not contacting me himself? all he had to do was say "i dont know what i want, i need some time" that would have changed things completely. but he failed to do that. so WHY on earth should i have been under the impression that he thought we were still together? a relationship is based off of communication, and there was none of that on his part for almost two months, despite my many attempts to contact him. it doesn't make any sense.

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    • If he's hell bent on not getting back together, there isn't much you can do. If you can win him back, the only think that will fix it is time.

    • he's blocked my phone number, facebook, instagram... any form of communication. he's been going out drinking every night even though he's never been much of a drinker at all. i know he's taking it really hard and is really hurt. but he always handles situations so extremely. his way of dealing with things is always by cutting people out of his life. i'm not the first person he's done it to. he said i was his best friend and that he'll never find another girl that he gets along with the way we do. he said he had plans to marry me. i think i could win him back. i just dont know how to if i have no way of contacting him.

  • You sound pathetic to me. Sorry if I'm rude. But listen, you don't sound like you're in love, you just sound desperate to be back with him. What's worse, you can't accept he doesn't want you back, he probably never did in the first place.

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  • I remember you.

    You still shouldn't have dropped the charges. You managed to release someone who will most likely repeat his actions again without remorse to someone else. He should be locked away.

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    • Statistics prove that men and women who have domestic violence issues repeat the crime..

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    • I don't know about where she lives but @mesonfielde it seems like here all they get is probation

    • Well that! s somewhat disappointing.

  • So, you want this guy who abused you back after you had him arrested and then cheated on him. Look, I get drunk every goddamn day, I have for the past five years. I've never slept with anyone. So you bitches need to quit using "I was drunk." as an excuse. I honestly can't blame the guy for not wanting you back. You seem like trouble.

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    • sorry but its 2014 and it happens. people make mistakes especially when they drink. dont sit here and be a judgmental virgin mary. get out of here

    • I've gotten drunk every goddamn day for the past five years, never slept with anyone. When I was overseas at 17 I got drunk every day around over a dozen beautiful filipina girls who would have done anything I asked them to. Never fucked a single goddamn one of them. You just have no self-control. Quit blaming alcohol, you make us decent alcoholics look bad.

  • It's always sorry to see a love ruined and your case is no exception. However what you did is worse than what he did with respect to romantic relationships. True love I suppose dictates that you do not get laid with another guy. If you loved him so much as you say you do, I would expect that you would have waited for years. You did it after a month or so.

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    • Haha, but true loves means you're allowed to slap/hit/whatever you girlfriend or what?

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    • well to me that is just unfair after how he handled the situation. he brought it upon himself. if he wanted to be with me or wanted me to wait around, i would have. all he had to do was say so. instead of completely kicking me to the curb for 2 months.

    • You didn't have to complicate matters by getting sexually involved with another guy and given the chronology of the situation I suspect you meant to pass some kind of message, but whatever is the case, as I said you could have waited if you love him as much as you say?

  • It might have been hard for him ro go through it. It might have emotionally damaged him. After such deep wounds, anyone would go crazy and lonely. But your one night stand on you part is completely wrong. I feel disgust when a girl cheats on he guy. I know, you both are playing the blaming game wit each other. But maybe you can trto understand why he cut off everythin with you. On the contrast maybe he was wrong, one can't say for sure. But you moved on very early, maybe seeing someone would have been ok, but sex? So soon? Nope no way. You say you love him like anything, thats a BIG LIE. A rreal girl would never do what you did. I dislike suc girls, but its your life, once a cheater is always. Cheater. I dont wanna hurt you, but take it as a scolding, and try to never do such stuff again. I wouldn't have accepted you in any way, even if it meant spenflding my life alone.

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    • i agree two wrongs dont make a right. but can you really call what i did cheating? it obviously was a huge mistake and i regret it every day of my life and would do ANYTHING to take it back.. but was i wrong to think our relationship was done? i had tried to contact him for a month and a half and got NOTHING in return... and he was even telling people he didn't want to talk to me or try to fix things. i messed up, i will own that 100%. i wish i never did it.. but please look at all the facts here. he was arrested for PUNCHING ME and CHOKING ME while i was driving my car... and i wasn't even the one who called the cops. and then i STILL dropped the charges on him! then it took him over a month to FINALLY apologize to me.

  • "he owed me an apology and a thank you"

    Why?

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    • an apology for assaulting me and a thank you for dropping the charges...

  • I'm sorry but you're fu**ed

    The damage is done beyond repair. You now have to move on with your life.

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    • how am i fucked lol. okay.

  • cause you slept with another guy , things will never be the same!!!

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    • No because he hit you it will never be the same

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    • he was arrested for punching me and choking me while i was driving and i wasn't even the one who called the cops. you're an idiot. me sleeping with someone doesn't even compare to what he did to me. and if i can forgive him for that, he should be able to forgive me. his future was in my hands and i dropped the charges for him.

    • Your the idiot who wants to go back to a guy that beat and choked you smh It's only going to happen again. you're wack !!

  • It's a toxic relationship... he doesn't deserve you, and you don't deserve him.

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    • how am i being insolent? towards you or towards him?

    • Me. I don't know if you were insolent to your ex... by all accounts it could be possible.

  • You need to meet other people. There are more fish in the sea. Also, life is not fair.

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  • If you don't mind me asking what made him so angry to react in violence. And was this the first time for that type of anger.

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  • What I see are 2 different things. To make it short, you should move on because it's over and I personally would not waste my time if there is no benefit or progress in the situation. Which city are you in.

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    • i live in rhode island. what do you mean you see two different things? i dont think what i did is as bad as what he did and how he handled the situation.

  • Don't do it. He might cripple you in the future. What if he shoots you and paralyzes you?

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  • typical u

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What Girls Said 23

  • Wow. This story actually pains me. I don't think any woman deserves any of this. Domestic violence is a serious ordeal, and I think you need to understand that if the man loved you in the first place he wouldn't have placed his hands on you. I think you love him because he made you believe that this is all you deserve/are worth, and it shouldn't be like that. i don't even know you, and I think you deserve so much more. I know your not going to agree with me, because I'm not saying things that you want to necessarily hear, but you have to keep an open mind on this matter, and understand that he's not worth it at all. there's another man out there who's going to love you and treat you right, not like this. So keep your head up high, and put this man in your past and start fresh. I know you don't want to move on, but I think once you do you'll feel a lot better and see later on that this wasn't worth your time and the pain it may have costed you. Subconsciously you wanted to have sex with another guy, which means something. It doesn't mean that "oops i just had sex with this guy for fun" no. Your mind is trying to tell you something, so follow it. Move forward, cause your body already has. Don't let him make you feel guilty, he's the one at fault. Just understand your worth.

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    • i only did it because he gave me no other choice but to try to move on and i thought maybe it would help me feel better. but in fact it did the exact opposite. i agree with what you're saying, domestic violence isn't okay and im still disgusted at the fact that he could do all that to me while i was driving my car. i wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares about it. i have panic attacks during the day that are so bad i throw up. but it all just came out of nowhere. he was SO good to me, so sweet, so caring, so involved in my life. we were best friends, lived together, and did everything together. he 100% got me and my weird quirky sense of humor. we just really vibed well together and got each other. everyone thought we were going to get married. we were together over three years. so for all this to happen... it just completely knocked me on my feet. it was so unexpected, never any warning signs that he would do something like this.

    • and then the way he handled it afterwards. he should have been begging on his hands and knees for forgiveness and apologizing to me immediately after the no contact order was dropped. its all just very confusing to me. i have never ever seen this sign of him before and i dont know how to handle it. its heart breaking to me.

    • :( yeah to be honest that's usually how it goes. People least expect it and then it comes out of no where. But you need to know your worth and understand that you're better than that and him. It obviously hurts now cause it's a fresh wound but it'll heal in time. Take some time to get your mind off of it. Go out with friends, travel, join a gym, spend time with Fam. Anything to make you more at ease.
      If he did this to you and it made such an impact to you you shouldn't look back. He stripped you of your personality and willing to trust and that'll affect you in the future. Don't ever look back, it's time to move forward. Best of luck xoxo

  • Your question just screams that your whole situation is ridiculous. You shouldn't have slept with someone else and you shouldn't blame alcohol either. You made that decision, accept it. What's even more ridiculous is that you want to be with a guy who's been arrested for domestic violence against you which should tell you that you need to stay as far away as possible from this guy. Yes, he's most likely controlling you and your way of thinking, making you want him but it's possible to get out of it and find someone worth your time.
    Of course he wants to get back together, he has you wrapped around his little finger and you'll do anything for him. Any sane man would want nothing to do with you after being accused of domestic violence unless they knew they were guilty.
    My ex abusive boyfriend said similar things about me and was hot and cold with me after we broke up. It was his way of seeing how much I wanted him and making me feel like I couldn't live without him. He was a master manipulator and so is your ex.
    If he treats you like shit again, don't come back here asking for advice, you're allowing his behaviour by staying.

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    • wait a minute... are you accusing me of falsely accusing him of domestic violence?

    • Out of everything I said, you come out with that? No I didn't. If your ex thinks he's not guilty, then I would've expected him to avoid you.

    • no that just offended me a little. because he did mess up and i did everything in my power to keep him out of trouble. and i know i shouldn't have slept with someone else and i shouldn't blame it on alcohol but i really was in such a dark sad lonely place at that point in my life and the attention just made me feel good i guess. the fact that my boyfriend of 3 years didn't immediately reach out to me to a.) thank me for dropping the charges and b.) apologize for hitting/choking me just really broke my heart. it messed me all up. he said afterwards that he just needed time... but a month and a half of time with NO communication and me even reaching out to him multiple times? it broke me. that was my lowest point. it made me feel terrible. if he had just said "i just need some time to think" i would have respected that and appreciated it. but he didn't say A WORD for almost two months. i regret doing what i did... but the way he handled the situation completely devastated me.

  • Honey, maybe you need a loving slap from a fellow lady. I know what I'm talking about when I say IF HE HURT YOU IN ANY WAY, ESPECIALLY THROUGH DOMESTIC VIOLENCE THEN BE GLAD HE'S GONE. Someone who loves and cares about you would never want to/ try to hurt you. And if he didn't apologise for hurting you then he obviously doesn't see it as that big a deal. BUT IT IS. I know women that have been beaten and abused, humiliated to the point where one of them was left naked on a public street, waiting for police with her dress falling off her and her hair half ripped out. She had forgiven this guy 4 times previous to this. All because she was 'madly in love' with him. Must it get to that point with you? Must you put yourself through that? Who cares that you slept with someone else, he doesn't deserve you anyhow. He's the one that tainted you with his messed up brain thinking he can hit women. Don't go back to him. Respect yourself and remember that you are worth more than that. And you deserve more. No woman deserves to be beaten. Period.

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  • Okay I only skimmed it because I think you and me both know it's not a good idea to go back to him.
    This isn't a one off and you know it. Think about when you weren't together; aside from the pain of not seeing or speaking to him, how did you feel? Did you feel safer? More relaxed?
    You know you're capable of moving on because you were with someone else.
    You aren't supposed to live your life in fear.

    How about instead of jumping back into a relationship or owing each other anything, just remain amicable until you've both had space from the situation and time to just BREATHE.

    Personally, I think you should move on. But I understand that is extremely difficult. Just try and give yourself a bit of space okay?

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  • why... why... WHY would you wanna go back to him/that piece of shit?

    Don't say love, because many times love just isn't enough. Other things count just as much if not more for a successful longterm relationship.

    Like others have said already, he sees you as property and is a "successful" sociopath.

    Do you want him back, because you have no one else you are close with, sharing deepest thoughts and all? Are there people who truly care about you, but you for some reason cannot completely be open with them as you were with him? Do you have issues of your own and you think nobody else could love you because of them?
    Think hard.

    My friend was beautiful on the outside, but had lots of demons on the inside that you only get to see when she considered you family. Everybody loved her, but I guess she didn't believe them because they only got to see the "good side" of her. And he used her demons against her. She tried to do better, it only got worse. Her demons never unleashed with such full force before she met him. And years later, without him, she is still worse than she was before.

    If he is as vicious as the sociopath I knew, he relishes right now how often you try to contact him, how desperate you sound, even brag about it to his friends. As soon as your efforts wane, because you gave up, he will contact you just to give you hope and torment you anew. After all, you put him in jail, and haven't quite paid enough for that (crime, in his mind, he did nothing wrong to justify jail time and you did wrong for putting him there). Try to remember, why did he finally contact you again the first time?

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    • I didn't put him in jail. I wasn't the one who called the cops. When the police came I begged them to take him home but they said they had to make an arrest because it was domestic. He contacted me after a month and a half because he said he missed me and wanted to make things work. He wanted to fix things. I have plenty of friends and an amazing family, but he was my BEST friend and understood me better than anyone and it's hard to let that go. We had an amazing connection, and this violence incident came out of nowhere and completely knocked me on my feet. I feel like a slut for saying this, but the person I hooked up with means nothing to me. As awful as this sounds, it was just sex. No feelings behind it, no potential for us to date. it was a one night stand that meant nothing. I can't even look at the kid without feeling ashamed of myself.

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    • Sorry, you didn't answer when you last contacted him in that 45 days period and how often you did before you stopped.
      Since you are trying to avoid and deflect anything of reason and try very hard to justify his behavior (not saying what his mom does is inherently bad, but spoiling too much leads to problems, I see it with my sister) I am very sorry to say, but I give up. Do what makes you THINK will make you happy. Good luck!

    • i think the last time i contacted him was July 11... somewhere around there. I dropped the charges June 13 and he finally contacted me on July 22. i contacted him a total of probably 5 times, texts and phone calls. but i felt like he was the one who needed to reach out to me, for me to even contact him was stupid seeing as how he messed up and he's the one who owed me a conversation. but i tried to get the ball rolling. i'm not trying to JUSTIFY his behavior, i just truly think the way he was brought up has a major affect on who he is today, and it's unfortunate. even his own mother called me and said that "he really loved me and wanted to get back together but that i had ruined everything." i just hate feeling like the bad guy, when i KNOW i'm not.

  • Hmmmm... sigh I've been in a domestic violence relationship before where I was left with bruises for a month and a half bruising on inside of my mouth and black eyes among other places on my body... And was constantly reminded and am still at times by loud noises and people sneaking up behind me I freak out.. But no one can tell you what to do.. I can tell you that hell do it again why because it's the cycle of abuse after he gets mad it goes to the oh baby I'm so sorry I won't do it again then the storm calms.. And then he gets mad again and repeat.. But that's your decision your the one that has to say when enough is enough.. It took me 3 times of violence and the last time not being able to breath to walk away and having the thought of never seeing my son again.. and having him threaten to hurt my 2 year old son if I left to leave.. I just hope you have a support system...

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    • You should go speak to someone about treatment for PTSD, Rc (truly).

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    • Well, first off if my comment was offensive, please understand that (truly) was not my intention. However, most people connect PTSD to military veterans when the actual fact is that the majority of PTSD cases actually come from people in various cases included survivors of domestic violence.

      That said, your comment "and am still at times by loud noises and people sneaking up behind me I freak out" struck me and I simply was making a medical suggestion in the case you had any long standing fear still upsetting you. What you do is, of course, up to you and I respect that fully. I was just making the comment in a medical/psychiatric manner which I felt may better (in a long view) serve you is all. I wish you the best of luck, of course.

    • You were saying I should get treatment for something yes I took it offensive.. But someone read it that had different perceptive of it and said you were just showing you cared and were trying to help so I'm sorry.. And as far as the rest I'll message you.

  • I know what you're feeling is love but I think you should watch this before you try to rekindle your relationship with him.
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo

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    • i can't watch it at the moment, can you tell me what its about?

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    • what is TED?

    • It's these "educational" talks where they ask people to come and talk about what ever they want. They're actually really cool and informative most of the time. I highly suggest checking out the site.

  • No offense but I HIGHLY suggest that you do some research on abusive relationships.

    Why is he flipping it around on you? Because abusers ALWAYS do that. That's mental manipulation he's using to keep you in line. I think the proper term is gaslighting.

    I highly suggest that you put your emotions to the side. You need to leave this dude alone for good. Seek counseling if need be. This is not a healthy situation whatsoever.

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    • i agree. i've been in counseling. but i'm really struggling to understand why he is taking it to such an extreme. would you consider what i did cheating? given the circumstances. i know it wasn't a smart decision but i had been contacting him and got nothing in return for almost two months. i dont think you can consider what i did infidelity.. so i dont know why he is being so extreme about it.

    • No I don't, but it doesn't matter. If a guy is abusing you, it shouldn't matter what you do.

  • I think that you caught him off guard when you told him that you were with someone else sexually. There could be a possibility that he is upset because (a) he wasn't expecting to hear that (b) he probably wasn't with anyone sexually (c) how fast it happened.

    I also think that it's kind of mean of him to shut you out after you were honest with him, and besides you guys weren't together, He should be able to forgive you the way you forgave him. I think that you should try to forget about this guy. He isn't good for you. From what I am reading, he seems a bit selfish and mean.

    Move on.

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    • oh i agree i definitely caught him off guard. he was crying so much he almost threw up. to be honest i'm very surprised in myself for doing it. that's just not something i would normally do. i felt disgusted with myself afterwards. it was definitely a huge mistake. he's even blocked/deleted my friends on all social media. he said he has to forget i ever existed. but after being together for 3 years, that's just not fair or possible. he didn't handle the situation well at all. if he told me he just needed time, i would have waited for him. it's not fair how he is placing all the blame on me. i wish i never did it though.

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    • Hopefully as time goes on, he can find it in his heart to forgive you.

    • i hope so too. i just don't know why he is being so extreme about it.

  • I will never understand why some women want to get back with abusive ex-boyfriends. Don't go back to him.

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  • Trust is the KEy to any realationship I have seen this b4. SO LETS SAY YOU CHEAT ( not saying it will but could) an oneday you find out the condom broke or you didn't use one whatever an you got pregnant an than the guy you say You love comes out (Imagine) an your pregnant an you dont know how to tell him an what if he doesn't stay. AN if he does your gonna hear about it 4 EVER!!! anyways what im trying to say ANY Decisions that ANYONE MAKES! Could effect your future. for Example one day I was mad! an I cut myself an the "cops came" an Arrested the guy Now I may not get married to this person Not just that I cheated!!! but only with a hand job an I was Honest but he doesn't want to marry someone that goes around messing with his liltle homies. You see an now I may be alone because of the Decisions i made an I hope you learn from what im telling you so you can make wise Decision. LIVE SMARTER NOT HARDER! im 20 by the way an im still learning.

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    • i dont really understand what you're saying. trust is obviously the most important. but i did not CHEAT on him.

    • well im saying that ANy decision you make can Affect your future so think Wisely

  • Well, you first have to consider if you really want him back. You did say you got him arrested for domestic violence but dropped the charges. Why would you drop them firstly? And secondly, who's to say it won't happen again.

    However, if you really want him back. You're going to have to tell him about the person you slept with so he doesn't have animosity towards you later. Also, he has to accept to have you back. You can't force him to return to you.

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    • I didn't have him arrested. I didn't even call the cops in him someone else saw him hit me and they called. when the police came I begged them to take him home but they couldn't. and I did tell him about the person I slept with. I was up front and honest about it and he blocked my number

    • Oh I get it now.
      If he blocked your number it means he's upset with you for what you did. I can't speak on his behalf if he feels sorry for hitting you I'm sure he does. But violence is violence and infidelity is infidelity. You're going to have to give him his space until he wants to talk to you again. It could be soon or never.

      I'm sure you're upset that he beat you. I would be too. Closure is good but your priority should be trying to make amends with each other before jumping back on the relationship bandwagon.

    • you can't call what i did infidelity. you just cant. it was a bad decision and i know i hurt him, but i did not cheat. we were not together.

  • Ok ok ok. The only thing I think you're wrong for is wasting Your time. Your life. & Your happiness. 1. If a guy hits me it's over. & I will go through with the charges regardless how I feel about him. 2. If I'm with a guy & we don't talk every single day He's Not my boyfriend anymore or we aren't together. 3. What you did is what you did. Own that shit. & live your life because we don't know how long we are here. & I quote the truest words of mankind "Ain't nobody got time for that".

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    • lol. your comment made me smile/laugh. i am owning what i did that's why i looked him in the eye and told him the truth. i could have lied to him but that would have lead to complications in the future. if you ask me, he had no right to ask me that question. it just all seems very unfair to me. i did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment from him.

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    • thank you. i couldn't believe the amount of hateful comments i was getting. like you can't tell me none of these people have had a drunken one night stand before, or done something they've regretted. and for the people who tell me i cheated on him... that blows my mind as well!!!

    • Yeah See not everyone on earth has common sense or empathy or manners. Everyone's a boss behind a screen. Just ignore their idiocy. I wish you the best!

  • I'm confused as to why everyone is saying you cheated. If a guy didn't talk to me for over a MONTH, I would assume we were fucking done. If he expected you to sit at home twiddling your thumbs for years then he's an idiot.

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    • thank you. i even showed up at his house only for his mother to tell me he didn't want to see or talk to me. i called, texted, left messages with his friends and parents (who were all on my side, by the way). i did everything in my power. so thank you for understanding.

  • You are a cheater I hope he doesn't get back with you

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  • He's not that into you to begin with, he has self esteem issues too

    I respect those who open up to me rather than hide secrets, if he were confident and was into you enough he'll respect you cause you're honest with him and move on from the past

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  • Tell him everything. Tell him how bad you feel and how you regret everything and what you want to happen.

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    • I did. he still said he has to forget I ever existed and blocked all forms of communication.

  • Ok your relationship is just fucked up. Move on.

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  • The reason for most abuse is because they see you as their property, no one else can have you. I understand that you love him, but take it from someone who knows. My mother didn't leave my step father after he put her in the hospital because "she loved him" and now he shoves me around and threats to hit me. They don't change, it will always be waiting. Be strong and forget about him, please.

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  • MOVE ON

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  • No! You both have problems and you are bad together

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  • Okay coming from a girl who was exposed to domestic violence, don't date him again. Now he is angry and vengeful. I dropped charges and sure enough he started to attack me more. If he did it once HE WILL do it again.
    Your not in the wrong if he didn't contact you then it was over, don't waste your time and don't feel bad. He's an asshole whose dangerous.

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    • thank you for being the only person to respond nicely and to actually read my whole post and not attack me

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    • i was with him for three years. he was my best friend and we never had an incident like this before. im ashamed at what i did because i never ever thought i'd be with anyone else again. i dont love this person that i had sex with. i dont have any feelings for him whatsoever. i love my ex boyfriend. and i made a mistake. i dont know what to do about it.

    • Honestly the environment would be hostile. Just leave it, he didn't value you enough when he could so it's over

  • Lmao you are so pathetic it's unreal. All the other woman beaters at least need to lie and beg forgiveness promising never to do it again and beg saying he's sorry and wants her back, then she foolishly listens to him and he does it again.
    Your life is so sad, you are the one chasing him. lol 😂 you're so funny. Well, when he beats you again, it really is actually your own fault, nobody told you to chase a woman beater. I really hope your family and friends won't give you any sympathy when he beats you up and you end up in hospital. You actually chased a woman beater, he didn't even have to come and beg forgiveness like all the rest hahahahaha. Hilarious.

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    • I know the asker seems like a complete dimwit, but what you said here was uncalled for and extremely cruel...

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    • well my thing is i have forgiven him for what he did. i wanted to be with him all along. i even dropped the charges for him, i basically saved his life and his career. his future was in MY hands and i did what i wanted to do for him because i love him so i dropped the charges so he could be free. after that i was expecting an immediate phone call or text or SOMETHING, saying thank you, saying im sorry... but i got nothing. so finally after a few weeks i tried to contact him. i tried several times and got nothing in return. i even passed him driving a few times and was expecting him to call me, but didn't get anything till almost TWO MONTHS after. thats my issue here. if he had just texted me saying "i dont know what i want, i need time" great, fine, i would have respected that. but he handled it HORRIBLY- and still has the nerve to hate me for sleeping with someone else? everyone makes mistakes, he made a big one & i made a big one, but if i can forgive him why can't he do the same?

    • Because he just doesn't care, isn't sorry and is really quite selfish.
      If he cared in the slightest, he would of been on his knees after saying how sorry he is. Even all the regular woman beaters do that even though they're going to hit her again next week. He didn't even care enough to do that.
      I know it hurts, but you should just try and leave with the pride you have left before you lose all pride and stay forever or till he carries on treating you like that and ends up cheating or leaving because he thinks he can, since he can get away with so much other really fucked up things. At least if you walk now, you can hold your head up.

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