Should I tell the man I am dating I've kissed someone else?

[Anonymous]

I have been dating this man for just over a month and will soon be going on a fourth date. I want us to be exclusive/in a relationship but not sure if he feels the same. Last night I kissed another guy and exchanged numbers, should I tell him? He is on vacation at the moment and I'm kind of expecting that he has slept with someone over there as one mention of the word girlfriend and he seemed shocked by it so at the moment I think he still sees it as a bit of fun.

[ArtistBboy]

I think you have a weird request but a good one. You're requiring it to be an exclusive dating scenario, but yet you have already kissed someone else and you have been dating this guy for 4 months. I think you need to realise what you really want, is it the man you are with?

Just to keep your relationship honest, I would tell him when he comes back to town- there's no reason stressing out his vacation. When he returns and hears the news he probably will over-react and be a little upset, but it is for the best. If there isn't honesty in the relationship then imagine down the road! (There won't be much trust/honesty)

Also, your assumptions as to him cheating on you, I presume are false. You are using a defensive mechanism called projection. To rationalize that you are okay in what you did- you pictured him sleeping with someone else; in turn, this makes your fault his problem. This is a very common technique that is sub-conscious. I would recommend that you drop your assumptions and don't ask him about anything. Let him come clean on his own, if he has cheated on you- then you know where you stand. If you ask him, he will deny it.

Its better finding out from the person who comits a crime that they realised they were wrong and are looking to get over some bad habbits, than to hear them continue making the same mistake and make it someone else's fault.

Best regards,

ArtistBBoy

[Asker]

I do want it to be exclusive and just because I have kissed someone else doesn't mean I'm not sure of what I want. I have only been dating him a month not four as you have misinterpreted. If he told me he wanted me to be his girlfriend I would be 100% faithful. I have been suffering from anxiety and I think if it wasn't for that I wouldn't have kissed that other guy because my head is a mess and I feel sick all the time. I only want him, I'm tired of the dating scene.

[ArtistBboy]

Ah, the fourth date thing threw me for loops, sorry about that.

I feel like you don't because, if you only want him- why would you kiss another man? Anxiety, the fact that he could die, etc are only excuses. If you care about that one person as much as you feel you do- you would never want to create a problem between the two of you.

My ex wanted me to date her really bad, but then she slept with my best friend and kissed my other friends boyfriend.. Imagine the headaches it can cause =(

[Asker]

I've been thinking over and over and I know I probably made a mistake because although we are not in a relationship we both said we aren't seeing anyone else, even though we didn't agree not to see anyone else but it was only a kiss and he knows I would never go further than that. I have very high morals when it comes to sex and I would certainly not sleep around because I don't want a high number of sexual partners, no man wants to marry a woman who's had more partners than him.

[ArtistBboy]

=) I am glad you realised those points- If I can help with any confusion or hurt feelings please let me know.

[bagette]

OP I have found myself in the same scenario as you right now and also have found myself to be very similar to you. At the moment, the person I am seeing has important priorities that he is focused and as a result is leaving me in state of emotional neglect and has ultimately neglected the early stage of our 'datingship' which had potential to develop into a relationship. I really struggle with being in the dating scene and feel insecure as to whether the person I am dating even wants to be with me long term or just wants to stay casual. I would really like to know what your aftermath was and if you told him; how you said it. I really like him and want to continue pursuing things with him now that his preoccupations are coming an end and 100% will be telling him as I strongly value the means for honest communication.

Would be grateful for the advice

[stercor]

My opinion? Don't tell him. It can cause him to not trust you. If he has honesty issues, then he'll be sensitive to them in you.

I'm not clear on some of your message.

"...one mention of the word girlfriend". You or the presumed 'other party'?

"...he still sees it as a bit of fun". You or the vacation.

Would you send me a friend request?

I don't send out friend requests because they may be misinterpreted, or considered a boundary violation, or an invasion.

But I would like to be friends with you.

Ted

[Asker]

Thanks for that. It was just something he said once and I said jokingly about being his girlfriend and he seemed shocked as to why I had brought it up, as if he it had literally never crossed his mind so I suppose if he's thinking that maybe I've already got the answer to my own question.

[Tamikaze]

No, you are not exclusive. Until the point you are exclusive and he stops seeing this as a bit of fun, you owe him nothing. The whole point of being exclusive is to get each other to stop seeing others and he has not asked for that and apparently isn't ready either, which at one month and four dates, is not a surprise.

So, you were fine to kiss this other guy and only owe it to yourself to consider that maybe you are not comfortable with that. There is something to be said about focusing your energy and attention on one guy considering you have dated for a little bit now. But that is something you owe to yourself to consider, not him.

[Asker]

I am serious about him but like you say it's no surprise he isn't after a month and four dates. I have met lots of people since him and none of them make him feel the way he does. I just hope that distance really does make the heart grow fonder and he'll be heading in the same direction when he gets back.

[Tamikaze]

Only time will tell. You might want to lay off of meeting any other guys for now. When he returns see how it goes. I would not have sex with him until HE asks to be exclusive. If he does start heating up the sex part, then you will need to tell him that you do not want to have sex unless you are both exclusive. If he hesitates, you should move on. Otherwise he will just break your heart when you have sex and he remains single. A guy who is in to you will want to be exclusive.