She doesn't make me happy?

[Anonymous]

We haven't been together all that long, just a few months but at the moment she's just causing me a little stress and pain and often leaving me wondering where I stand..

My girlfriend is literally perfect and I should be the happiest guy alive to have her but sometimes she just lacks a bit of love and affection with me really. I've found out from her mum that she lacks putting effort in with friends and family so not just me. My girlfriend has also admitted to me personally that she's not 'soft' and that she is just laid back with people and that probably won't be changing soon.

But I'm pretty much a guy who wants a girlfriend to show some love and affection. Like I said, it is easily days and perhaps she is just nervous to but I'm not too sure.. I've just been on holiday with some friends and I just kind of felt like she hardly wanted to talk to me whilst I was there. We spoke a bit but she wasn't putting effort in or asking me how I was or what I'd be up to, and any normal girlfriend would be missing their boyfriend like crazy and wanting to talk to them every opportunity they had. My friend saw that I was a bit down over it and said "you're not happy with her are you?" And I told him he was right.

I don't want to lose her as my girlfriend because she means so much to me, yet it's also hurting staying with her. I just don't know what to do anymore?

[kristyle]

Well, I was like her feelings wise most of my life and all the way into me first/last relationship and usually people that have a hard shell are like this for some reason even if it is past hurt or issue that caused her to be tough.

She may actually want to be affectionate and soft, and her feelings are there even though not expressed, but she just cannot do it so easily and probably doesn't even know how after being that way so long for whatever reason. You should tell her, gently, how it is making you feel. If she does not at least try then you probably have to let her go.

Being the way she is is not something that is going to easily change over night, but at least if she hears you and if she tries give her credit for that as it will probably be difficult for her.

On the other hand you deserve to be shown love and affection and if the way she is, is hurting you, again, you are going to have to consider letting her loose. What is the point of being together if you love her, but you are hurting and not happy? Because you do love her give her a chance to change first.

I wouldn't misunderstand the way she is as not having feelings or not missing you, it is just the way she is. I was like that and I had lots of feelings on the outside that I just could not express in affectionate way, now I can kind of, but it is a process.

[kristyle]

* I had lots of feelings on the inside that I could not express

[Asker]

Thanks :P Well I found out a while ago from her mum that I was actually her first boyfriend although from my girlfriend herself she's told me I was second. But last week we were talking and I found out he was one of those silly relationships you have for a few days and he basically told her he would cheat on her or something.. and I wonder if that's stuck in her mind or something then?

[kristyle]

Well being cold like that could be due to a past relationship or being hurt by someone in general in the past (even it wasn't a boyfriend/girlfriend type of relationship). Her mom seems very open so unlike me, I cannot say her reason for being that way is due to not growing up with affection. The supposed boyfriend for a few days is probably not enough to make her stay that way unless she really loved/like him and just broke her heart. I would tell you don't give up on her or misunderstand her not being affectionate as a personal hit towards you. Talk to her about how you feel and give her a chance to try. Like I said if she tries, count that as big deal and give her much credit for trying. There is definitely a reason for the way she is.

[Cephalica]

Hej, I believe you should just tell her how you feel. I was in a similar situation. My boyfriend left me and said it was because i was too perfect for him but he isn't feeling happy with me. It was because i had hard time expressing my emotions (i was insecure in myself because i was so afraid of losing him). If he had only told me what he felt, it would be much easier for me to change my attitute.

[Asker]

The problem being though is that I always end up telling her how I feel. Only last week I sent her a message to wake up to about how she's made me stronger and better in myself and that she means to much to me.. but I wonder if deep down she is still slightly insecure herself though 😕

[Cephalica]

She probably is insecure but i believe it will change over time. If it really bothers you, just tell her that you feel as she is holding back. But I really think she will change as the time goes by. Especially if you are her first boyfriend. Perhaps she thinks she would bother you if she called you all the time. For instance, when my ex was on holidays I would just text him in small amount cuz I wanted him to have time for fun and his friends, not just be on the phone with me.

[Asker]

Wow, you really have made me feel better there, thanks! :P We did speak a few weeks ago over Facebook where she told me that she is just generally the laid back type and I might as well know it now rather than further down the line in a year's time she said. And I guess as time has progressed from there, I guess she has slowly come out of her shell a little bit more so maybe you're right in saying that in the future she will come out of it all the more.

I am really insecure about myself and I feel like she is too good for me, and that's why I get worried every single time she goes a little quiet or lacks a bit of effort. I've learnt that she's generally not the loving and romantic type and to be honest, neither am I, but I do like to still talk and keep in touch with her as often as I can to make sure she's alright and to make sure she is still into me hahaha

[Cephalica]

I'm glad it helped you :) just dont worry, aprechiate that she isn't choking you with constant texts and calls like some girls do and everything will be fine! ;)

[TwinCKI]

I was in a relationship where I was in the exact situation as you - I really cared for my girlfriend and all but she just didn't show that much affection. I was the only one really expressing my feeling to her and she never did the same for me. What I came to realize is that even though I did really care for her, she was just incompatible for me. I needed someone who would be very affectionate with me and express their feelings to me just as much as I did for her. In the end, I made the choice of breaking off from the relationship because, like you, it pained me to be in a relationship like that. Unrequited love is the worst thing that can happen to someone and it is horrible to go through.

With that being said, I wouldn't immediately jump to breaking up with her immediately. I would sit down with her and have a serious talk with her about what you have posted on this site. Tell her if she can try to be more affectionate with you, and in the end if it just isn't working out then it's up to you if you want to continue your relationship.

[Asker]

Thank you :P I really don't want to break up with her just yet anyway

[Anonymous]

Just leave her.