I can be whatever you want me to be...

[Anonymous]

what do you guys think about that statement?

because that is how my guy is.

when he was with his ex, he was whatever she wanted him to be. a huge pot smoker, someone who wears trashy clothes with tons of holes, large skater shoes, and long long hair. He is not a christian with her, and they do have a ton of sex. Her mom lives with many men, not married to him and he lives with them. It's like a whore house.

when he is with me he is not a pot smoker. he wears business casual clothes, he is not a skater. he has super short hair cut. He is christian and now goes to church every Sunday and listens to classical music instead of hard rock and other stuff. He doesn't want to talk about his past anymore and says that she forced him to live with her... etc. And says it was a terrible mistake and she was a terrible person so wrong for him. and that he is right with me.

But is he just making this up?

Plus he starts saying he likes stuff I like, but is it true?

Like I like willow trees and he starts to say he does too. It's like he does NOT have an identity.

Or can guys really be whatever you want them to be. Do you believe in that statement? Has anyone else also been with someone like this, or any guys also done this before? Said this before? Just wondering. I am a bit confused and a little bit skeptical of his true identity.

[AlanPA]

I think he's sort of a chameleon...but that's not too unusual for us.

This is probably who he truly is:

He's a guy that wants to be appreciated, he wants to be loved, he wants to have sex, he wants to have nice conversations about what's important to him, he wants to be around family and friends, he wants to enjoy his hobbies...even if that's just watching football or whatever, he wants to be without sickness or pain, he might want children, he wants a connection with the women he's with.

OK...That's the big list of what's really important to most men. Although you and his ex are quite different, it sounds like both of you are able to fulfill what actual IS important to him.

All of the particulars that you're pointing out, e.g. pot smoking, going to church, living with a weird mother-in-law...all of these things either could or could not satisfy his needs. If his needs are being well met with his crazy ex...then he'll get involved with what's working for him there...If you are able to satisfy his needs, then he's on board with what you're doing. All of these particular things that you've mentioned, while they seem so vital and important...really are just a means to an end.

[Asker]

true that all humans just want what you said they probably just want... hahaha that's funny and puts it in a more clearer perspective for me. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

This guy of yours. You'll probably tire of him eventually if all his identity is you. Its boring to have a mirror of yourself. It might take a year, or five years but it'll happen. Trust me a relationship needs variety in a couple or the passion will die out. If you know everything about him and his actions then there is no sense of spark, interest, or curiosity about him.

But yes there could be a person like this. Its far easier to just do mimicry then to take the risk of being themself. Some people are just really afraid of being alone and will do anything to stay in a relationship.

[toosexualcat]

Maybe he is confused/lost. Maybe he was insecure. Maybe he just wants to be accepted so he went along with stupid because he wanted to belong.

I wouldn't say he was lying to you. Guys tend to be quite direct and honest. Not all, I know, some play games...but you know this guy and I'm reading from here that he's not playing you, he's confessing to his stupid. That's a big thing.

Maybe he really DOES like willow trees and church. Maybe he just wants to belong and be accepted...give it time. He might change once he realizes he doesn't have to put on a show for you and that you'll like/love him no matter what...and who knows... maybe he really does like the things with you. Maybe he really is what he is now.

I say have some more patience and keep observing. :)

[Asker]

thanks, maybe you are right

[TheCheshireCat]

No offense, but it sounds pathetic. You should never change yourself for a guy, & women want women to have some dignity & pride. You want a guy, show him you like who you are & aren't going to change for anyone.

[Asker]

I see what you mean and I agree. I would never say "I will be whatever you want me to be" just to get some guy's attention/love. thanks for your answer. stay true to yourself and find someone who is also true to themselves! good luck

[Anonymous]

i remember once I was in love... and she told me to change... to "be nice"

& I do fancy myself a bad boy so you know it was no simple task; however I was in love & determined. any other bitch I would have laughed at such a request. I tried it but it came around, bit me in the ass and took a cheek with it.

see I'm like a rock, when their comes a time I must protect me and my girl I will stand strong.

your dudes like water; when the time comes he'll melt away

i'm a broken rock though, she broke me.

anyway try my question if you don't mind. I want your insight I little bit extra cause your christian

link

[slickcrab]

I know people wear masks, but I hate guys that don't have a true identity of themselves. And it comes off as lame to most women too - a guy with no real spine isn't much of a guy :)

Get rid of him :) Unless you like people pleasers with no real identity of themselves.

[Asker]

I was thinking of giving him an identity. I mean, since he is going to be with me foreve he will be whomever I want him to be.

[slickcrab]

do you really want a guy with his own spine or a puppet? its your choice :)

[zany1234]

I'm too old to say such a thing to a woman, to be whatever she wants me to be. That's infatuative surrender is gone from me, thank god.

[Asker]

so do you think he's only saying it because he's desperate to get some love? and he'd do anything to get it? He sounds like the type. I would know, I"ve been with him for over a year now.

[zany1234]

I'd say that's the primary reasons he's saying it. For love, attention and sex. That's why I said such things in the past. That inflaming surge speaks from a dimension all it's own, but it's purpose is clear -- to connect two people for copulation and the continuation of the species. However, it can be a hell of a good ride if both parties feel the same way for each other. In that case, I'd say go with it. Enjoy it.

[Asker]

yeah I am having the time of my life. But I feel, if I let him go he'll just go to the next girl and become someone totally new and he wouldn't even be the same person I am with now. Is that strange? He is whomever he is, and maybe I don't even KNOW him. There is no truth some times, to what he says. so I just feel iffy about that. but thanks for your answer.

[zany1234]

It's not strange at all. What you're feeling has little sensibility to it, so all I would do is ask questions. Try to laugh a little more about the sensation and just enjoy it. It's kind of like getting drunk -- don't analyze the happiness so much, just ride with it. The most enlightened minds in history enjoy life better than anyone -- they're simple, laughing, cheerful people. And why do you think that is? It's because they understand that part of the meaning of life is to have a good time.

[Asker]

thanks! you've just enlightened me! hahahaha

[BlackSuperman]

The guy is a moron... why lie down with, breed with idiots... drop the dumbass.. you'll be better off.

[Asker]

why is he a dumbass when he's just desperate for some love? I'm not sure I want to have kids with him yet. but I do agree that he was dumb for sleeping with a whore and living at a whore house. I am def. not a whore. He was my first and I was in my mid 20s

[BlackSuperman]

he a dumbass because he ain't being true to himself. He's a dumbass for not being a man. He's a dumbass for putting what he thinks is love over his God... he's a dumbass for many reasons that you listed above. If you wanna be with him, that's your business- and your fault when you caint change him, and end up mad, angry, disappointed and bitter. This guy is weak, and an embarrassment. Unless you like those kind of guys, you should RUN as fast as you can from this loser.

[Asker]

I can't change him unless he wants to change and be whatever I want him to be. He says he will convert to Christianity and he did give up pot/smoking for me and he will become whatever I want him to be. But it just bothers me a bit, I don't know why. His fav. color was his ex's fav color=green, now it's my fav color blue and gray. Why is he not being a man? He is trying to win over the girl... and he doesn't know God. I don't know how to convert him...

[BlackSuperman]

James 5:16 talks about 'prayer availing much'... In your case, I say ditch him... he is NOT what you need right now- but if you wanna pursue him, good luck on that one.

[Asker]

thanks, I'm going to need all the luck. Anyways, I've already invested 1.5 years with the guy... this is my first relationship and I am scared of social stigma if I drop him. I think my parents and family will think I am a loser and if I have sex with another man, I will feel like a slut. So yeah he's my one and only and I hope to stay that way. I was just feeling a bit weird about his character, it seems off.