Why is my ex boyfriend postponing our meeting?

[Anonymous]

My ex boyfriend dumped me by phone almost a month ago (because not living in the same cities). Our relationship was healthy and good at all levels. I had a hard time this year, with some personal and family issues that I’ve never told him. I think it negatively affected our relationship because he said I was perfect but he had the feeling I wasn’t fully involved. He told we could meet if I wanted to.

I had exams for university so during two weeks I didn’t contact him. He was the first to send me a text, for my birthday, a long and nice one.
We exchanged some text every two days then.

I asked him to meet to tell him about the hard time that I went through and that he doesn’t know.
He called me last week, being afraid I had very bad news to announce (like a disease). I reassured him and he agreed to meet (when he would have less work). I waited all the week his text to tell me when he was available.
I had to text him. He still replied in a nice way. He told me he was maybe free today (so this monday) but didn’t assure me anything. He didn’t reply then and was online all the day.

I’m not pushy, I don’t send him several texts. We are cordials and respectful, even friendly (he tells me « kisses » at the end of a convo and so on). Ps : i’m pretty sure he is single too.

Why does he put off our meeting and take so much time to reply?

Thanks a lot for your help !

[Lightning8]

The reason why he broke up at least makes some sense if it's true. When a woman is emotionally unavailable she often resigns herself to a place outside of commitment territory early on. It's because she seems less trustworthy of a long term partner, because, as a man (who is in the position to for an extreme example, take a bullet for her if it all really came down to that) you don't know if she'll care or be around for you. I guess a lesson here is, as a woman, you are allowed to be yourself and express your struggles you to your partner. Don't think something's unattractive for you to do if you may find it unattractive for a guy to do. What I mean is that a man wants to take care of you and solve problems for you.

Neither here nor there.

So, obviously I don't know the reason he's postponing. But it seems like he broke up to protect his time and emotions. He's probably done/doing what he can to forget his feelings for the relationship. Sorry if this is too cynical, but with this forced neutrality, lack of urgency and lack of cosequence, he could be exercising his freedom to get lost in his day to day and be late or even flake. But he could just honestly be busy.

I hope he has been honest, is a good dude and reaches back out. In your recent text did you express how personally urgent and important to you it is that you express what happened?

[Asker]

I guess you are totally right. Yes, if it’s true, that makes sense. I didn’t really realize what I was doing to him, and what impact on our relationship it could have.

I was not sure to tell him about my problems. As you said, I was afraid it would sound unattractive etc. So I prefered to keep it for myself.

I don’t know, I don’t think he is busy but rather he ignoring me suddenly on purpose (even if I don’t know why).

Kind of, but not considering it as an emergency. I wanted to keep it chill. I said he had time and there was no pressure. (Which is not true because in a few days I’m going on a trip/vacation for two weeks).

Thank you for your answer, it is very interesting and helpful !!
All the best

[Lightning8]

You're welcome, and thanks, same to you!

[Egoless_M0rtal]

Well as many of the women have said there are plenty of reasons he could be putting it off. If you ask me. Stay positive about this. Maybe he has had a busy day at school/work. Maybe he has been working on a project. Possibly just with friends. There are to many possibilities as to why he is putting it off. But based on what you said to kaylarae abour your boyfriend over thinking. Maybe because you were so busy he feels like youve moved on. But as kaylarae said i would strongly suggest talking to him on the phone and just be honest about the situation. Tell him you would like to see him. And if you are really curious about why he's been putting it off. Just ask him. :) i know sometimes that can be the scariest part. But maybe he's been quite because he thinks you were off doing something and he feels hurt, Or jealous.

[Egoless_M0rtal]

Sorry for the slow response i got the message to post on here when i was at work. Just remember honesty is almost always the best route to take. Be yourself, be open and things ususlly aren't nearly as bad as we think they are going to be. :) you got this.

[Asker]

Don’t worry, thank you for answering that’s so nice.
Yes it is scary. I’m afraid to be pushy by calling him once again, while he has still not replied to my last text (since Sunday evening..). I will appear needy and the one who initiates everything.
I am also scary of him telling me a bad new, like finally he doesn’t want to meet or he has found someone new (i don’t think for this last one) but I imagine the worst scenarios.
Yes honesty is key, you are right.
Thank you so much

[Egoless_M0rtal]

Well if you dont want to seem pushy or needy maybe wait until this evening or the next day. Honestly it sounds like he still cares about you but the distance makes things hard. I dont think he would have found someone. If you mentioned you wanted to talk to him thats probably why he's pushing it off. But i would still try reaching out to him.

[Egoless_M0rtal]

Thanks for the mho you're a rockstar. :)

[KaylaRae8913]

He’s probably nervous and probably regretting the fact that he broke up with you and doesn’t want all the feelings to come back or he’s hiding something or I’m completely wrong. You should just call him and ask why he hasn’t been himself lately and that you really need to meet up with him

[Asker]

Thank you girl for replying, that helps. It could be some of the reasons yes. He often overthinks a lot about eveything. I think you are totally right. Thank you !

[KaylaRae8913]

No problem good luck! And maybe give him a little reassurance that you don’t hate him or you’re not mad at him

[wingattebaby16]

He is nervous & worried you have some kind of bad news

[Uru_DS]

I can sugar coat things and tell you there's hope or something like that but it seems to like this thing is over.
I have 3 questions though -
What makes you think he's single?
Why do you still care a lot about you two?
Why did you not tell him your problems earlier?

[Asker]

That’s a lot of questions haha. I know him and he is showing his life every single day on social media since we broke up. He is the first seeing my stories and he is always posting right after. He’s not the guy collecting girls and jumping from relationship to another.
This breakup made me understand I love him. We are good for each other and there was no problem at all between us.
To be honest, I don’t know. I had a hard time last year and I didn’t want him to be afraid and to run away from me because of that. I wanted to wait June to end all my personal issues and to focus on us.

[Uru_DS]

Oh I see... Yeah well I ask questions to get information to help others better and also sometimes questions can be the answers. You get it?
Well one last question, what did he mean by he can't give you what you want, as in when you asked him what the 'thing' is?

[Asker]

Yes you’re right. He didn’t say he can’t give me what I want. (He absolutely can give me what I want)
What thing? You mean what make us broke up?

[Uru_DS]

Yeah why'd you guys break up?

[Asker]

For nothing special. It was unexpected for me because it was the moment I started to feel committed to him and seeing a future for us. He said I was perfect, that sex, intimacy and everything was very good but it was missing the « spark ». Our relationship was good and healthy at all level, no fighting no cheating. I would like to explain to him that it was not period for me, I was nervous all the time so he might have felt it. Now that I solved my problems I would be much more opened to him.

[Asker]

not a good period*

[Uru_DS]

Oh God that sounds so stupid.
Sorry to be rude but he doesn't sound that bright.
I see three possibilities here, either he will realize sooner or later he made a mistake because you're special to him and you really seem to be in love with him.
Or he broke up with you because of a reason he doesn't want to tell you, and is lying that your relationship is missing *the spark*.
Or he just doesn't like you that much or has found someone else. This option may also be because of a bad influence in his life who's manipulating him maybe.
Any of the three are possible.

[Asker]

Yes that sounds stupid.. He is a very respectful and great guy, I dated jerks before and I can tell he is not.
Indeed it could be all that. But I don’t know how to make him me miss or understand I am
Important to him.
Yes maybe there is something else but he seemed honest, I don’t know what it could be.
Your third option was what I was afraid of, but with hindsight I don’t think he met someone else at all, now I’m pretty sure.

[Uru_DS]

Listen, what I'm about to say is something I and a lot of people I know have realised and you should too -
If at any point you have to prove your love, trust or worth to another person, said person is not worthy of having you do don't even bother with them.
If he didn't see that he won't get a woman like you ever in his life then he won't start seeing it by something you do now.
Trust me, this is a tip that will save you a lot of heartbreak and tears. How long have you been together anyway?

[Asker]

I think I didn’t communicate with him as I should have to. Then he had a bad vision of me, I mean not the best at least because I was always anxious and so on. I don’t have to prove him anything, I feel it’s natural. It comes naturally I don’t have to force myself or to do effort. But if we had a talk or have a better communication maybe he would have understood it was the « wrong » moment when we met, i needed summer to turn the page on my problems. But I understand what you say it is quite true.
For five months but during two months before we were in contact every single day, so almost seven months being in non stop contact.

[Asker]

Even him, when he called me last week, his way of speaking with me was kind and easygoing, our talk felt natural

[Uru_DS]

Fair enough, I would say 7 months seems like a small time but it's you and him so I can't judge as a third person. I'm glad that you understand what I was trying to say and I guess you just have to give this time. Don't do anything else now even if you guys stop talking for good, you cannot force him to do anything. You'll seem pushy and clingy.
And you're 21 so don't feel bad if it doesn't work out, there are others out there. You seem like a nice girl and I'd say just wait this one out and see how he is when the time comes.
I hope you're happy after all this and learn something...

[Haelaeix123]

It's hard to say, he may be genuinely uninterested or since you've assured him its not life threatening he may not view it as very important. If he dumped you then it could be because of lack of interest which is why he isn't in a hurry to meet you now over this conversation.

[londoncalling49]

It's impossible to say. But he dumped you. And not that long ago. So there's a good chance he's nervous about seeing you and doesn't want to get your hopes up--which you shouldn't do--by being so responsive and attentive. Do not mistake concern and thoughtful well wishing for desire to get back together. I've made that mistake before and it only leads to more heartache.

[Ayer93]

My guess is because he still doesn't know your situation or what you went through, he had his own thoughts that you didn't care too much for the relationship and although he is probably interested in you, he doesn't want to get involved again with somone so seemingly unavailable. That's just a guess though. Nothing for sure.

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

Hard to say. But if he keeps doing it he certainly isn't concerned about you or interested in meeting all that much. Do you still see him as a friend? That feeling might not be mutual.

[Asker]

No we don’t see each other as friends. He broke up by phone with me a month ago and told me we could me. I didn’t contact him the two first weeks, but he reached out to me for wishing my birthday. Then I asked him to meet, last week he called me and our talk was okay. He was afraid I had troubles or something serious happened to me. Then he said, sure we are going to meet, but not for now because I have a lot of work. I sent him a text two days ago, he replied in a nice way, then I replied a pretty long text asking him to meet this week and he didn’t reply.

[Asker]

we could meet*

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

It look like there is a lot of back and foward on both parts. If you don't see each other as friends. Why do you want to meet up? Or even keep texting? Do you just want to talk face to face to have some closure?

[Asker]

Yes it was for closure because I have a lot to tell him that he doesn’t know (and that led us to breakup). As he doesn’t know I had a hard time (personal issues) he can’t rethink about his decision. So yes closure. We are cordial but we can’t be friends, I do the seperation between friendship and romantic relationships.

[Asker]

and I don’t want to tell him by text or over phone, it is very personal and tricky to say for me

[ThisIsMyOpinion]

I get it. Hope he texts you back so you two can meet.

[Asker]

Yes. Thank you !

[turd_of_warning]

It's hard to know, but he did break up with you, so maybe you shouldn't bank too hard on getting him back.

You seem to think you were a good match - maybe he feels differently.

Still sounds worth seeing him to clear it up, though.

[Guanfei]

Je pense qu'il veut bien te voir, mais il doit avoir peur qu'en fait tu te fasses de fausses idées et que tu crois qu'il veut revenir avec toi. Tu comptes pour lui, mais plus de la même façon.

[Asker]

Il m’a deja dit y’a deux semaines que je ne devais pas me faire de fausses idées et je lui ai dis que je voulais juste lui parler. Maintenant si il avait ma version des faits il pourrait reconsidérer la situation.

[loveslongnails]

Why? Because you're not a priority to him, you're a secondary thought. And... he read somewhere that the way to get your ex back, or for a woman to pursue you, is to NOT answer her texts or calls right away and make you wait.

[Smf1989]

He probably regretting broking up with u and he doesn't want the feeling to come back

[Asker]

Is it possible to regret something, like being sad about it / missing someone but you tell yourself it’s better like that? It sounds like stubbornness 😪
Thank you for replying !

[Smf1989]

yes it is possible

[PrincessGrail]

He is nervous about seeing you.

[Asker]

Thank you for answering !
Probably.. Even if i reassured him because there is nothing to be afraid of

[PrincessGrail]

Either he doesn’t like you that way anymore and he’s afraid to tell you, or he likes you a lot but he’s afraid of giving you his heart again only to find out that you’re still “not fully involved.”

[Asker]

He told me he had feelings but was not in love and wanted to end things because i’m not « 100% involved » and he was afraid to get more attached

[PrincessGrail]

Then my second theory is probably correct.

[Asker]

You might be right. Thank you for helping that’s nice

[PrincessGrail]

You’re welcome 😊