If you want a divorce but young kids are involved, is it better to get it over with quick, wait until they are older or just stay married forever?

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Sad to say, but the question was inspired by my parents.

My mom was and still is miserable being with my father and talked about leaving him a lot growing up, but never did. She has become extremely bitter, even now, that she didn't do more with her life because of his expectations of the women in the family and now his medical issues forcing her to care for him even further.

Get a divorce even if the kids are young and hope they end up ok.

Delay getting a divorce until the kids are grown.

Stay married, even if miserable, whether it be due to commitment to your vows or for religious reasons.

[bubbles328]

I’m in the same position. My parents have been married for a long time and my mother is miserable too. They used to argue all the time growing up. On holiday my dad would always have a “wobble” and it would put a dampener on the entire thing. He is a hard person to get a long with. They still argue now and i think they remain together because of the financial side of things and my kids though I don’t know why that matters.


I was married and I left when my kids were 2&3 they had good contact with their dad and saw him daily for the first year or so then contact dropped and he hasn’t seen them in 6 years now. I’ve done pretty well alone I had a relationship shortly after the break up but he wasn’t around much for the kids then I went it alone for many years and it was great! I went to uni and developed myself and grew very close to my kids. Something I wouldn’t have been able to do if I was in a sinking relationship focusing on that. A few years ago I met this guy and I am still with him now. He calls them our kids and is always there for them and they love him so much. My son says these years have been the best of his life with this guy around. We don’t argue (well not much) and he just fit into my already developed life.


My mum says she’s envious of me for having my cute little home and a good job and I don’t need to put up with any rubbish either. She says she wishes she’d done as I had when she was younger but now it’s too late. She also routes for me so much to make sure I have a super successful life (pays for holidays and buys the things I need for my house) which I guess she couldn’t do if she didn’t stay with my dad.


My kids will always support the choices I made except letting him have access for so long. He wasn’t a good guy and I never saw how truly terrible he was until I left. He became very dependent on drugs and became violent once I’d gone. I definitely would do what I did again if not I’d have left sooner. I don’t know where he is now or what he’s doing but we are very happy and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[Coulis]

I didn't choose any of those. I staunchly disagree that staying in a marriage where people are miserable is a horrible example to set for your children. Marriage does not equal martyrdom.

I recently divorced and I have young children. In the end it worked out better for my kids because of the situation that I was in. But the first one saying that get a divorce and hope that they're okay is NOT how it works.

If you do get a divorce with young children you have to actively manage the issues that arise from separation. In my case, I consistently have my children speak to me and know that they can talk to me and express things like feeling that the divorce is their fault. Feelings that their parents are separated because of something they did. And I have to reassure and let them know that that isn't the case. In my situation my children's overall well-being has improved since my situation was abusive and I had to strategically extricate myself. Message me if you need to talk.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Oh trust me I know what you mean about "not hoping for the best", but my situation with my parents would have mirrored yours in a way. My dad barely paid attention to us and my parents never ended up divorcing. I remember being told a story by my home of being left in my crib with 105 fever for a while because "she was being quiet all day and was being good". He never even bothered to check if I was sick.

Now that we are all grown and have kids of our own he still always expects her to take care of him and does everything he isn't supposed to do because of his poor health and she is forced to help him when things go wrong.

[Coulis]

Siiigggh. Man this rubs raw wounds for me.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I picked A, because if you are miserable, it will affect your entire family. Kids are not stupid and will be able to tell you aren't happy. It is better to have a hopefully amicable and mature divorce, and do what you need to do to soften the blow as much as possible on the kids.

My parents divorced when I was a young child, and I am very fortunate that they always remained amicable, NEVER talked bad about each other to me or tried to pit me against each other (makes me sick when parents do this), and did what they thought was best for me. They didn't always agree on everything, but dealt with it like mature adults and came to a mutual agreement (and if they would've had any disagreements, it would not have been in front of me, nor involved me in the middle of them). I do not feel upset about the divorce at all, as it was needed for my parents to be happy and they made it work the best they could for my best interest.

As Judge Judy says, "You need to love your kids more than you hate your ex." I wish more divorced/split parents would seriously think about this, because I've seen a lot of very selfish acts that really hurt their kids, but they didn't seem to care as long as they could get back at their ex somehow. It's ideal if you don't hate your child's parent even if your relationship with them doesn't work out, but if you must have contempt for them, at least hide it from your kid and don't put them in the middle of it.

Anyway, my point is that although divorce is hard on kids, it doesn't have to be traumatizing and can be made to work, and is much better than them growing up in a miserable and broken home.

[Price511]

As a child of divorced parents, and also with a girlfriend with divorced parents, here's my opinion on the issue:

You can divorce each other at any time, but you both need to be mature about it and seriously take the children into consideration.

You both need to communicate and try to have the children forge lasting relationships with the other parent. Don't slander the other parent, no matter what you may believe yourself. You need to let the kids make their own determination of their character.

Don't try to use the kids for your own games with the other parent. Don't use them to spy on, steal from, or psychologically damage the other parent.

Figure out the living situation. Ask for your children's input and try to respect their wishes. If they want visitation, figure out a way to make it smooth. Have a meet up spot that is safe and will not be a tense place where things can go wrong.

And most of all...
Don't drag your kids into your petty squabbles, or better yet, try to resolve any issues you have. That extra tension is only gonna make it worse when kids get caught in the middle.

My parents did absolutely none of this. It was a horrid time and not only did it make me come to resent the both of them, it affected my mental health severely.

I didn't know who I could trust. I felt like a pawn in their game of chess. I had to resolve their disputes that they could just do without myself or their other children there. We often had disagreements on where I should live because I absolutely hated one of them. They both tried to alienate me from the other parent and I was easily perceptive to their lies, only further distrusting them. They even tried to get me to lie to the courts on their behalves. I hate them both now for what they've done to me and what they've become in the aftermath.

And yet, with my girlfriend, I've seen how it's done right.

Her parents are also divorced, but... It's not chaotic. They've long since reconciled and have been at peace with it. They put their daughters above anything else and set aside any problems for them. They live across from each other, allowing their children to freely choose where they want to be for the time being (they frequently switch houses and they're both cool). They have found love for other people, and both families are happy. The children are happy.

I've seen how it can be done right. I know it can be done right, because I saw that it can exist.

Sometimes I am a bit envious of what they have, but honestly I'm just happy that they have a happy ending. :)

[lightbulb27]

I think it depends what one concludes is best for the kids.
It's a sacrifice either way. Unfortunate the father was so limiting, they aren't all like that.

I've seen most permutations of this and the answer is... it depends.

My girlfriend and her X are divorced and they work together well, primarily because my girlfriend plays the role to keep the family together... so she makes peace, ensures the father is respected. It's not easy sometimes. it was hard on the kids early on, they were stunted by the divorce, but they adjusted and are doing well now. Both have found new partners.

My mom said she wanted to leave my dad, but couldn't with 4 kids. they stuck it out, worked it out ok as far as I can tell, but I don't know the true details. They stayed together til they died.

I've seen people stay and suffer, stay and make it better, leave and suffer, leave and it works out. I will say that divorcing creates a risk on the children because a new step mom may not mess up the kids. Guess step dad could as well, but women who have their own kids may treat the others differently, from what I've seen.

Either way, I'd schedule your mom for a spa day every now and then. What Id fear in this scenario is that people can handle a lot for a long time. Like a runner doing a marathon... they can do it. When the load is taken off, that's when the inflammation hits and... and illness can set in. How to manage that, is a good question I cannot answer.

[mooky06]

My parents stayed together until we were old enough to understand what was going on. It’s been nearly 10 years (maybe even a bit more) since my parents split. But in saying that i wish they had done it sooner instead of later. It was toxic to be in

I think it’s important to have a talk with your child/ren and make them aware of what’s going on and that there will be changes. I reckon the safest and healthiest way of doing things when the parents are deciding to split is to make the transition for the child/ren easier.

[nawtee_me]

I divorced my now ex-wife while out kids were young. However we divorced each other and not the kids. We raised the kids separately but put them first. My ex is remarried now and we are still good friends. Our kids were treated as if we were still together and was raised that way too. We did not talk bad about each other in front of the kids or let the kids play one parent against the other. You know but mom said... or dad said... we talked almost every day while we were raising the kids and we did not let them control us.

[hahahmm]

Often doing the right thing is harder and less fun than doing the wrong thing. If one wishes to be a good parent that comes with certain responsibilities like being a good role model. If both parents are willing to work together to be good role models to the kids & not project any negative stuff in front of the kids it could work. If even one of the parents wants to make life all about themselves then staying isn't doing the kids any favors.

Dide note: there's women who were always single moms & into career and they're bitter. It's not a given that your mom wouldn't be how she is even if the marriage never had any problems. Look at the singer Adele. She admits that she divorced her husband for NO REASON. She's rich, famous, successful career yet she wanted out of the marriage. I wouldn't go believing that just because someone says "i'm miserable being with your father" that it's necessarily the dad's fault.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Oh, it absolutely would be my dad's fault in this case, but she isn't exactly innocent either. My dad is selfish, a sexist and doesn't understand empathy in the slightest. His mindset was kids were better not seen or heard. If we were playing in the house and being too loud for him he would yell at us saying we were going to wake up my mother (she did overnight shifts), if we didn't stop he would wake her up and tell her to deal with us. She would never even hear us playing (she even would say as much) and the only one who ended up waking her was him. He just thought it was my mom's job to deal with the kids.

For the record, my mom made (and still makes) more money than him, worked more hours and was still expected to take care of him, us kids and the house. Eventually when I got older, I learned how to cook, do laundry and ironing so I was responsible for those too.

[hahahmm]

Well men do tend to believe more in maintaining order. Women tend to want to nurture/baby pets, kids, people. That's not unusual at all. Ideally they balance each other out. Far as the money & work stuff.. sounds like someone had the idea that men & women are identical so it doesn't matter if they swap traditional roles. Guess it didn't work out! Not a surprise to me.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

He didn't maintain order at all. He just wanted things to be done but left it up to my mom to actually do it. He didn't really get involved unless it came to spanking us or if she was at work when she switched to working double shift weekends.

I am very much against the idea of gender roles. My dad and to a certain extent my mom, believed in them. She just made more because she went into a nursing field and kept going back to college to advance herself. My dad stayed working in the civil sector of the local AFB here after he left military service.

[hahahmm]

Yes, your dad did things wrong then... "I am very much against the idea of gender roles" -- Then you will probably wind up with a dude who is a lot like your dad and not even know it till it's too late. Cause your mom had the same idea as you when she started out. Good luck tho.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I am married to another woman and we have been together either dating/married for nearly 20 years. : )

[hahahmm]

A lot of men are saying it's time to invest money companies making electric can openers and cat food.

[Morgador]

It takes two too end up divorced. If you realize that and you except that and you learn and grow from your hand in your divorce falling. Then you are able to realize that what you and you ex had as a relationship together is over. The most important thing now is the children and you work together as parents not married parents but parents and showing the kids that you both respect each other and you raise your kids without they typical arguments. The kids come first and the love for them will show through when you respect each other

[Kristog]

I stayed Married well after it should ended really, but stayed together for the kids. It ended up making things so much worse that now we no longer even communicate even for the kids (who ate all adults now) But it drove a wedge between the entire family. Luckily I've managed to rebuild a relationship with my kids. But it should been so much easier on them.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Not sure how things would have turned out had my parents divorced, but given the state of things now, I can't imagine it would be too much worse.

[Diodoro]

Big picture

Statistically speaking the child is far better off with the parents staying together trying to work it out than not.

There are a minority of cases where it's better to separate. Like horrible abuse. The end point is parents both trying to work it out. Not one parent putting up with the others BS who doesn't give a shit and isn't trying.

Problem is it's common for a partner to feel like the other doesn't care or isn't trying when they are.

[Kaneki05]

Divorce of course, no point been with someone to be unhappy.

My parents split up when i was younger, and i fully agree with the fact they did and am not bothered at all by it. But apparently when i was young i was upset about it, i have no memory of that, in my head i've always been okay with it. So who knows on that.

[ChrisMaster69]

Personally, you do it, just get divorced.

you reach a point in a relationship where as grown ups you recognise you need to do something.

it’s pointless hanging around building up on toxic unhealthy atmosphere.

By doing this, my ex wife and me are good friends and get on great, zero animosity, zero hassle, jealousy etc.

If we had left it longer, chances are it would have turned toxic and we would be in a worse position.

[HighValue]

The kids would not be harmed so much if the parents agreed on equal custody and didn't try to turn them against the other parent. Okay, let's be clear, the vast majority of the time it is the woman trying to get primary custody and steal the kids from the father and turn them against them.
I don't know your parent's personal unique situation, but that is how it usually is for most couples.
Anyways, if she would have been willing to have equal custody then it would have been better to divorce and just share the kids every other week.

[Adam1978]

I was raised in a broken home and I wish my parents had just split so I didn't have to suffer their almost daily arguments. They split after almost all kids left the house which is to late the damage is done. No good frame to form a healthy relationship there.

[Wester1967]

My parents stayed together "for the kids" ... 20 years they modeled as pure of a dysfunctional relationship as humanly imaginable "for the kids"... the fallout was nearly catastrophic. My brother and I will probably never get married or have a functional relationships, much less be able to manage a relationship to have our own kids. There is your experiment. Those are your results

[Petermorgan34]

My parents are still together so I may be unqualified to answer but I think it would be worse to lie that everything is ok and do it when they are older. If you are out of options id say do it now so they have time to adapt, and learn to live with this reality. It could have worse consequences for them when they are older and think everything is fine between you two.

[bonnet909]

If you are in this situation. be mature about it don't be petty and run your mouth and continuing trying to publically put someone on show and using kids as punishment and controlling the other. partner I cannot hurt to let the other parent visit time child. even if at the park stand opposite sides of field and if at a house different rooms if any interaction say hello and good bye politely and don't loss your shit. if you want respect then show respect and explain to the kids what is happening and how , why , when kids come first and that's most important thing you both are focused about kids will work out what way they choose to be

[Andres77]

I've seen kids not affected much and others totally decimated by divorce.
It seems... divorce when the kid is 3 or less is less traumatic.
But 3-16 it's horrific for some kids.
Their whole world is turned upside down.
If there's fighting or abuse involved... that needs to be accounted for.
Divorce is just after a close family members death in terms of stress.
Divorce destroys kids.
If after 3 I'd stay just for the kids as long as there's no abuse.
There's no good answer.

[Nomina]

I would stay married. Yes, religious beliefs and the sad observation that marriages don't last anymore. I would rather work on it than give up.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

The religious reasons I get, but the being a martyr because other marriages fail i completely don't understand.

[Nomina]

I don't see it as playing martyr because that implies lack of control over the situation. I don't see it that way. So long as something can be done, I'll do it. Marriage and family are taken very seriously where I'm from and I'm inclined to agree with that view.

[Seinna]

I don't believe in divorce. A few of my friends grew up without a stable family and it messed them up for life. When did it become acceptable to have children pay for adults' mistakes? People give up on their marriages far too soon. The only expection of course is if one is abusive towards the other.

[mobiusforniner]

Wow, people are so quick to throw in the towel if things are not going well. News flash... marriage isn't about happy ever after, sex 5 times a day or frolicking through fields of flowers. Its tough. Takes a lot of work. Can and does involve very unhappy moments. But the reward comes when youve endured that adversity and still plow through it together. 8 years and going...

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I have been with my wife for nearly 20 years between dating and marriage and my parents have been together for over 40. Pretty sure we know how to stick together and that isn't the point anyway.

This isn't about single unhappy moments. Its finding that there are very little to no happy moments. Its being caught in an unfulfilled relationship. So while yes it is easy to say when you exist within the ups and downs of a normal relationship, its much harder to say when in a relationship that is taking your will to live just by existing within it.

[Quigly]

You are posting as a girl and talking about your wife. Might explain some complexities.
You sound like you are talking about depression and blaming the relationship. Might not have anything to do with the relationship. I suggest talking to a Doctor instead of the internet.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

@Quigly I am posting as a girl talking about my wife... because I am a lesbian woman? Also, if you had reading comprehension I am referring to my parents hetero relationship. My relationship with my wife is perfectly fine and going on nearly 20 years strong.

[Quigly]

Yes, I comprehended both those things in your comment.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

@Quigly And you still posted what you did.. ok?

[Quigly]

Yeah.

[mobiusforniner]

Oh trust me. Been there. There was a point in our marriage where i felt zero value. Not just a few days. Im talking about years. I drowned myself in work to escape. Because My wife didn't care to listen to me abd wouldn't change to support me. My in laws didn't feel I was religious enough. They influenced my kids to think I had no authority or purpose. I felt empty. I almost had an affair with a coworker before my wife woke up and began doing something about it. We worked through it. I stayed cuz I love my wife and kids and can't imagine what life would be if I didn't stay for them, regardless if I was suffering. Cuz thats kind of what love is, putting others first. Even if they dont

[Ez-Bri-Z]

And that is honestly terrific! I am very glad to hear it worked out for you, but that isn't the case for everyone. Sometime, as others have stated, divorce was and is the better option.

[Singhaeshwaryakumar]

Its matter of time if your young kids are involved in the situation so what its your life you have to deside. divorce is a very serious matter if you can Handel it then its OK but if you can't then its up to you. if you can solve the matter then there is no asking of divorce which is good for both of you but if the problem is with your hasband then you should cheak the position why it is happing if its a affear with someone then its OK but if you are having any conflict with him then you should try to talk each other and solve the matter if not than its OK as considered children is your right. you are free to decide that you want children to be with you or your hasband if they stay with you. then you and your children will get right to live and get proper right in staying in your house.

[DarkWinterNights]

My sister and her husband got divorced right before the pandemic, and they have an autistic daughter together. The sudden and drastic changes during her most important years out her back in her development years. At this point she may never live a semi-normal life. I would do everything in your power to fix your marriage.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

My marriage is fine, but thank you : )

Sorry to hear about your niece though

[midnightmoon05]

Exactly my point… about kids

[Ez-Bri-Z]

It affects everyone differently of course. As you can see, others who have been through it say it was better that it happened in their families.

Sorry you both have different experiences but that's why I asked the question, to get different opinions.

[Biker_Sparks]

Splitting up/ divorce etc is what happens to everyone unless your in that ‘perfect relationship’. Why does everyone put the onus on the kids? The kids shouldn’t be used as a bargaining chip. As adults/ grown ups, we should all do our best for our children no matter what the circumstances. It’s not their fault that ‘mum & dads’ relationship has gone tits up. They’re kids, learning about life and what/ how we all portray that life prior to them, reflects on them. I grew up with an abusive dad, who put me and my mum in hospital many times. As an adult now, my boy is the most important person to me but I won’t ever use him as a ‘bargaining/ coercive’ chip for that ‘feel good factor’ or ‘I’ve got one better over you’ syndrome. Divorce isn’t all about ‘You as a person, no matter how much it hurts’. Think of the little ones caught up in it all. It’s not their fault.

[Fireguy17]

kids know that things are not right, it is better for them not to stay together if you fight a lot.
That is not a healthy environment for them to grow up in.
And do not use the kids to get back at each other, be a grown up.

[dustybiker]

Don’t create regrets. Kids will be effected either way. It’s better for everyone when everyone is happiest. That choice is on the parents.

[DaveToo]

Your mom is in a difficult situation. You're 42 so I'm assuming she's late 50's or more likely in her 60's. As the primary caretaker of your father, she has taken on an awesome responsibility. I don't know his malady, but she most certainly deserves better.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

She is 62 and is a RN where she takes care of people all day long on her feet then comes home and has to take care of him too. He is pushing 70 so I get it to some extent after his health issues, but he does nothing to make it easier on her. Growing up he was perfectly healthy, just lazy. Now he has had multiple strokes, has pain issues, has heart issues, is overweight and eats like a child does (take out, junk food, etc). He got placed on forced retirement but she is still expected to work and take him on vacations while also paying for things for both my brother and his son.

Growing up I felt a ton of heartache for her, but she refuses to do anything about it and frankly she hasn't been the greatest to me either once I came out and ended up not married in a way she had planned for me growing up. My patience and compassion for her situation has faded over the years.

[FakeName123]

It is best to have both parents be mature and do what is in the best interest of the children in their respective stage of growing up rather than being selfish and worse: using the kids as chesspieces to one up each other.

[SnakeBoop]

If those involved are mature, getting a divorce is easy and straight forward.
If they are not mature, they would till be better getting out of a toxic situation.

[goaded]

From what I've seen, people who get it over with and move on can be better parents apart than they were together.

[humanearth]

No matter how you do it, the kids are going to be affected by the divorce

[exitseven]

My parents waited until I was in high school before they split up. They really did me no favor staying married.

[Shizunk]

the younger the children the higher the chance of them taking damage in the process. Delay at the very least.

[MisteryMe]

It's not helping the kids to grow up around unhappy parents that argue and avoid each other. They see it, and learn from it. My mom and dad got divorced when I was around 8 I think, and I never had any issue with it.

[Bklynbadboy12]

Definitely get the divorce but both parents have to coparent together constantly reassuring that kiddo how much they love there kids and at no point will the two of them not being together effect how much they love there kids

[DizzyDesii]

Calmly and maturely explain to the kids whats going to happen and that our discarded love for eachother will not be a hendrance to our love for them. Im not staying trapped for the sake of the kids. We’d maturely coparent from separate households.

[ChiPaPa]

Don't stay together for the sake of the kids. Just don't move three thousand miles away and allow for two visits a month.

[TallAnon]

The answer isn't easy, it depends how bad the relationship is between the parents.
If one is abusive for example, you should obviously be quick.
Spending 10 years with someone you hate won't help anyone either.

[Ninani]

If you're not happy it'll affect the kids more to stay than having a clean divorce.

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

Hmm... with genuine care, there is very little the children would be at a loss for.
Yes, they would inherit the model of divorced parents as their norm, but that could be better than marrying to suffer. It's a difficult question.
The bit I know is that parents tend to play tit for tat via their children at divorce, which makes the whole thing horrible.
8r, the reason for divorce, never admitted, of course, is mommy wanting her sun's sexuallity to be fully hers (women are super horrible when it comes to abusing males - they just take it as their right and lie about it).

[Ez-Bri-Z]

You almost seemed normal right up until the very end, then you went batsh*t crazy again.

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

I probably don't agree with what you are trying to normalise

[Ez-Bri-Z]

That's fine if you don't agree with divorce or LGBT, but accusing women of child rape is gross

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

Heh - gross, yet done very willy nilly.
The fact you'd prefer to ignore it only puts you on the supporters-of-it list.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Or you are just batsh*t crazy *shrug*

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

I mean, wish it away and it doesn't exist. Sure. If you speak of batshit crazy, you must know what that feels like.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I do know, I see you posting right here to know exactly what it looks like and feels like having to read it

[ThatNoUVAtYourEyes]

Having to read what?
It's my body, erm, my writing.
You mean the 'it's my body, I just used the boy for pleasure and sperm and now he is a father, while I lie to my husband it is his child'?
Men can biologically not be such horrible liars. The girl you'd touch would grow a belly (though we could start setting cheaters up to fall pregnant with defective sperm)

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Yeah, no I'm done with your pedophilia fantasies over there

[Little_Bumblebee]

I think it's better to have happy parents than parents who stick together, being miserable.

[smallandtiny]

A lot of people are gonna be made into shitty parents in this thread, seeing how there are 65% of people who say it's ok if the kids are troubled just get a divorce

[EaterPeter]

Depends on persons situation. I would see therapist. Within six month or sooner I would know to stay or to go. I should not be abused, manipulated. Lied to. I would not hes7tate seeing therapist by my self or doing phine therapy.

[EaterPeter]

For total of six months or less.

[EaterPeter]

Thanks for like!

[JennBITx]

I am happy my mother divorced and did not allow religion to stop her from doing it

[krin_m]

No point in staying unhappy (for both partners) because that affects your capability to be a good parent. We parted amicably and our child was more happy even with the split household because we were happy!

[crazy8000]

Stay together have a high tendency to make one or both to behave toxic because of their immaturity in certain areas.

[Twalli]

The younger a child is in a divorce, the better they turn out.

[Coulis]

Absolutely. When I told my friend who was a child of divorce about mine she said it was better you did it when they were small. She said she had a whole identity crisis when her family fell apart in her teens and I know she is terrified of getting married and has a lot of fear and unresolved issues because of it.

[Starman5]

Divorce if you can give the children better opportunities. It doesn't matter if you marry someone you're not happy with. but kids are the red line on this one. they are very important.

[WowwGirl]

Psychology wise stay married unless abuse is occurring

[Anonymous]

As a child of divorced parents it’s not so much the divorce that traumatized me but getting a new stepdad at 3 years old and having to move to a new state seeing my real dad every 2 years.

[cmarrott]

Not fully grown but a little older. Toddlers are too hard without a partner.

[legalboxers]

So what is best for your sanity and the safety of the children

[ChuckD6381]

If you are miserable or in a bad marriage, your kids will see that too. Happy parents apart are better than miserable parents together

[Tstrbrainer]

Definitely go for the divorce, otherwise kids will witness a toxic relationship

[Loveme0214]

Really depends if you can fix it or the issue at hand

[Jamie05rhs]

Or, Option D:. Don't remain miserable. Work on the relationship.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Assume that has been tried and failed

[Jamie05rhs]

It's usually never genuinely tried. People just half-ass the try to use it as an excuse for quitting.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Well, it is an unfortunate mindset you have on the situation, but it is yours to have I suppose

[midnightmoon05]

I agree with Jamie…
Many stay take their partner for granted. If it’s free… why put effort…

I remember one of my girlfriend walked out… the husband is as very hurt and sad…. and started to made the changes to be a better partner.

Often most women or men… when not happy… they think staying is best… court needs to set up a system with such mind set to send these “child” parents to live separately and go to school to be nice to ea other and to the kids they made together.
Lacking consequences amd responsibilities has caused damages to offspring.
No one is more miserable than innocent kids being brought to a dysfunctional child parents.

[Jamie05rhs]

@midnightmoon05 That's an interesting idea, actually.
As a libertarian, I would tend to lean towards it not being any of the court's business. However, there is a valid legal argument on the other side, considering that these two individuals voluntarily entered into a marriage contract before the court in the first place.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I am opposed to government interference in peoples lives like that though. People are not going to be perfect and trying to legislate their marriage seems REALLY intrusive.

[Jamie05rhs]

@Ez-Bri-Z True.

[midnightmoon05]

Ideally, if two people can do that outside of the system that would be perfect.
However, since they decided to be married under the law to stay together in good/bad till death..
what’s the consequences when they break that? Now how is the family being protected?

[midnightmoon05]

By the way… I refused to go to court when my ex husband wanted a divorce because he wasn’t “happy”

[Ez-Bri-Z]

The til death do us part is not a legally binding contract. It's more of a religious vow. You can create your own vows and use those and never even use the phrase "til death to you part".

[Jamie05rhs]

@midnightmoon05 How did you get divorced without going to court?

[midnightmoon05]

Regardless of why they want marriage, by law or not…at the end… if anyone wants a relationship that regards to the heart should take it more seriously.
The day I read/learned that the court decided that their is a law call no fault divorce that’s when I gave up the fight to stay. And do what’s best for our kids.
I fought a diff. war with my ex husband is that he must stay to work as a team. Not rising kids with his mom.
Jamie… I had no choice but to go to court… and basically asked for nothing but him to be apart of the kids on a regular. bases.. he makes double than me. I have no allemony or child support and took nothing from the house.
I rebuild from scratch with nothing except my job and a little savings and the house we both continue to own.
I called him weekly to update kids and asked him about kids all the time..
After all these years… kids are proiority and they know it.
All the “fights” were worth it.
Couple weeks back when we took our daughter to her boarding school, the admission personnel asked why we divorced when we work so well to raise kids. Anyone who ever consider to end a relationship or stay… our kids first that’s all I ever wish in my life time as a human being.

Often… we are adult enough to work through things… however when my mother in law was in charge of my marriage/raising kids… I fought to get her out.

[Jamie05rhs]

@midnightmoon05 That's good!! I'm proud of you!

[Hispanic-Cool-Guy]

No divorce. You should strive to keep the family unit united.

[SenseiSeptred]

If a vow is made, then dying by it should be required, especially when it comes down to a marriage.

[Price511]

dude i'm not about to get squid gamed because i vowed to get cookies tonight and i didn't

[Jouth]

if it can be fixed, then fix it. If can't, then get a divorce. If you can't get a divorce, then blow up the country you live in.

[ImmortalHanma]

It’s always better to work things out rather than quit or runaway

[Anonymous]

She should wait til the kids are 13. Other wise she should have closed her legs and thought about he kids.

At the age of 13 kids don't need there mother any more and she essentially becomes useless.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

What a misogynistic and blatantly incorrect response. Ugh.

[Opinion Owner]

You asked for answer that the truth. you split while there young they'll be messed up. At least 13 they can understand something not working or somebody is selfish.
And not programed by a single mother

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Thats not the truth and as others pointed out here they were better off splitting early. Your answers didn't even point to that though, you say she should have closed her legs not taking any other circumstance into consideration and then say she is useless after 13. That mindset is gross.

[Opinion Owner]

If you weren't going to be with the child father for longer than 9 months why have the baby.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

What if she was but then he cheated while she was pregnant?

[Opinion Owner]

Your mom could have left your dad at 13 and you would have been ok.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

My mom could have left him while I was 3 and I'd have been better. My dad and I never got along.

[Opinion Owner]

Then why you mom get with your dad in the first place and have you

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I guess that was God's plan for them. She loved him in the beginning? It was fate? I dont know, pick your reason. It would be as good of a guess as mine.

[Twalli]

It's not saying that they're only together 9 months. My girlfriend's sister divorced after having 4 kids. As of now the eldest is 13 (maybe 9 or so when they divorced). My aunt and uncle divorced when their eldest was 15. She went off the deep end hard. At 17 she had to be sent to Hawi'i for her final year of high school or she might not have graduated. She was dangerously close to failing because she chose a bad crowd to get back at her father (it was mostly his fault from what I've heard and he's actually my blood relation). Her younger brother was 13 and he turned out fine, he's actually more successful than his elder sister, me, and my younger sister combined. He is the second in command of Washigton's Microsoft sales team. Since Washigton is the place where Microsoft's main office is, that's where you go if you want to get noticed.

[Opinion Owner]

I'm unlikely to believe you because your a liberal

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I'm not a liberal and you are offtopic and being completely useless now

[Opinion Owner]

I'm talking about @Twalli

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Ok well, then half my statement stands then. Political stances have nothing to do with this topic so let's keep it on that.

[Twalli]

I'm not. I'm a utilitarian consequentialist. It's not my fault that more people are happy with liberal ideas than conservative. If you don't know what that is I'll give you two quotes that should help "Happiness is the only true good and every action should be aimed to maximize happiness" and "Heaven is filled with good works, hells is filled with good intentions." At the end all that matters is what you do. Every action should be to maximize happiness because that is the only thing that is actually good. From experience people are less likely to be messed up if they were raised in a broken home than to have their unbroken home broken when they're in the most difficult stage of their life (puberty).

[Ez-Bri-Z]

@Twalli great quote! It's weird to think about for myself if it ever came to that with my wife and I. There is not any animosity there so I'm pretty sure it would be amicable if divorce ever were to become a thing. I am pretty certain we would still live together and just raise the kids as roommates than as a couple. Thankfully I dont have to worry about it.

Our kids are 8 and 6 and I'd personally feel like our son would devastated while our daughter would be able to work through it easier.

[Opinion Owner]

Oh That changes things. I didn't know your situation. It would better for them to split asap. I didn't know you were lgbt.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

What does me being lgbt have to do with my parents marriage?

[Opinion Owner]

a lot actually But I agree with you now.

[Twalli]

So you're homosexual? I don't know then. The rules could be completely different. Also the rules are different for adopted kids. If you and your wife notice that it isn't working out and you can't be together then you may have to soldier through until the kids are old enough where they're mostly independent (college age). Then there's little they can do to get back at you or your wife that they want to do. They know they're going to be on their own, so their failure is not the concern of their parents anymore,

[Ez-Bri-Z]

They are biological children to my wife, but the topic was about my parents marriage not mine lmao.

[Opinion Owner]

Your a adult it doesn't matter they should got divorced at least 24 years ago. So your mother wouldn't have been bitching about her life

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Honestly they could have got divorced after my younger brothers were born and I'd have been fine.

She still would have bitched, my dad just would have been out of the picture