If you want a divorce but young kids are involved, is it better to get it over with quick, wait until they are older or just stay married forever?

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Sad to say, but the question was inspired by my parents.

My mom was and still is miserable being with my father and talked about leaving him a lot growing up, but never did. She has become extremely bitter, even now, that she didn't do more with her life because of his expectations of the women in the family and now his medical issues forcing her to care for him even further.

Get a divorce even if the kids are young and hope they end up ok.

Delay getting a divorce until the kids are grown.

Stay married, even if miserable, whether it be due to commitment to your vows or for religious reasons.

[bubbles328]

I’m in the same position. My parents have been married for a long time and my mother is miserable too. They used to argue all the time growing up. On holiday my dad would always have a “wobble” and it would put a dampener on the entire thing. He is a hard person to get a long with. They still argue now and i think they remain together because of the financial side of things and my kids though I don’t know why that matters.


I was married and I left when my kids were 2&3 they had good contact with their dad and saw him daily for the first year or so then contact dropped and he hasn’t seen them in 6 years now. I’ve done pretty well alone I had a relationship shortly after the break up but he wasn’t around much for the kids then I went it alone for many years and it was great! I went to uni and developed myself and grew very close to my kids. Something I wouldn’t have been able to do if I was in a sinking relationship focusing on that. A few years ago I met this guy and I am still with him now. He calls them our kids and is always there for them and they love him so much. My son says these years have been the best of his life with this guy around. We don’t argue (well not much) and he just fit into my already developed life.


My mum says she’s envious of me for having my cute little home and a good job and I don’t need to put up with any rubbish either. She says she wishes she’d done as I had when she was younger but now it’s too late. She also routes for me so much to make sure I have a super successful life (pays for holidays and buys the things I need for my house) which I guess she couldn’t do if she didn’t stay with my dad.


My kids will always support the choices I made except letting him have access for so long. He wasn’t a good guy and I never saw how truly terrible he was until I left. He became very dependent on drugs and became violent once I’d gone. I definitely would do what I did again if not I’d have left sooner. I don’t know where he is now or what he’s doing but we are very happy and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

[Coulis]

I didn't choose any of those. I staunchly disagree that staying in a marriage where people are miserable is a horrible example to set for your children. Marriage does not equal martyrdom.

I recently divorced and I have young children. In the end it worked out better for my kids because of the situation that I was in. But the first one saying that get a divorce and hope that they're okay is NOT how it works.

If you do get a divorce with young children you have to actively manage the issues that arise from separation. In my case, I consistently have my children speak to me and know that they can talk to me and express things like feeling that the divorce is their fault. Feelings that their parents are separated because of something they did. And I have to reassure and let them know that that isn't the case. In my situation my children's overall well-being has improved since my situation was abusive and I had to strategically extricate myself. Message me if you need to talk.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Oh trust me I know what you mean about "not hoping for the best", but my situation with my parents would have mirrored yours in a way. My dad barely paid attention to us and my parents never ended up divorcing. I remember being told a story by my home of being left in my crib with 105 fever for a while because "she was being quiet all day and was being good". He never even bothered to check if I was sick.

Now that we are all grown and have kids of our own he still always expects her to take care of him and does everything he isn't supposed to do because of his poor health and she is forced to help him when things go wrong.

[Coulis]

Siiigggh. Man this rubs raw wounds for me.

[aWes0MeNeSs]

I picked A, because if you are miserable, it will affect your entire family. Kids are not stupid and will be able to tell you aren't happy. It is better to have a hopefully amicable and mature divorce, and do what you need to do to soften the blow as much as possible on the kids.

My parents divorced when I was a young child, and I am very fortunate that they always remained amicable, NEVER talked bad about each other to me or tried to pit me against each other (makes me sick when parents do this), and did what they thought was best for me. They didn't always agree on everything, but dealt with it like mature adults and came to a mutual agreement (and if they would've had any disagreements, it would not have been in front of me, nor involved me in the middle of them). I do not feel upset about the divorce at all, as it was needed for my parents to be happy and they made it work the best they could for my best interest.

As Judge Judy says, "You need to love your kids more than you hate your ex." I wish more divorced/split parents would seriously think about this, because I've seen a lot of very selfish acts that really hurt their kids, but they didn't seem to care as long as they could get back at their ex somehow. It's ideal if you don't hate your child's parent even if your relationship with them doesn't work out, but if you must have contempt for them, at least hide it from your kid and don't put them in the middle of it.

Anyway, my point is that although divorce is hard on kids, it doesn't have to be traumatizing and can be made to work, and is much better than them growing up in a miserable and broken home.

[Price511]

As a child of divorced parents, and also with a girlfriend with divorced parents, here's my opinion on the issue:

You can divorce each other at any time, but you both need to be mature about it and seriously take the children into consideration.

You both need to communicate and try to have the children forge lasting relationships with the other parent. Don't slander the other parent, no matter what you may believe yourself. You need to let the kids make their own determination of their character.

Don't try to use the kids for your own games with the other parent. Don't use them to spy on, steal from, or psychologically damage the other parent.

Figure out the living situation. Ask for your children's input and try to respect their wishes. If they want visitation, figure out a way to make it smooth. Have a meet up spot that is safe and will not be a tense place where things can go wrong.

And most of all...
Don't drag your kids into your petty squabbles, or better yet, try to resolve any issues you have. That extra tension is only gonna make it worse when kids get caught in the middle.

My parents did absolutely none of this. It was a horrid time and not only did it make me come to resent the both of them, it affected my mental health severely.

I didn't know who I could trust. I felt like a pawn in their game of chess. I had to resolve their disputes that they could just do without myself or their other children there. We often had disagreements on where I should live because I absolutely hated one of them. They both tried to alienate me from the other parent and I was easily perceptive to their lies, only further distrusting them. They even tried to get me to lie to the courts on their behalves. I hate them both now for what they've done to me and what they've become in the aftermath.

And yet, with my girlfriend, I've seen how it's done right.

Her parents are also divorced, but... It's not chaotic. They've long since reconciled and have been at peace with it. They put their daughters above anything else and set aside any problems for them. They live across from each other, allowing their children to freely choose where they want to be for the time being (they frequently switch houses and they're both cool). They have found love for other people, and both families are happy. The children are happy.

I've seen how it can be done right. I know it can be done right, because I saw that it can exist.

Sometimes I am a bit envious of what they have, but honestly I'm just happy that they have a happy ending. :)

[lightbulb27]

I think it depends what one concludes is best for the kids.
It's a sacrifice either way. Unfortunate the father was so limiting, they aren't all like that.

I've seen most permutations of this and the answer is... it depends.

My girlfriend and her X are divorced and they work together well, primarily because my girlfriend plays the role to keep the family together... so she makes peace, ensures the father is respected. It's not easy sometimes. it was hard on the kids early on, they were stunted by the divorce, but they adjusted and are doing well now. Both have found new partners.

My mom said she wanted to leave my dad, but couldn't with 4 kids. they stuck it out, worked it out ok as far as I can tell, but I don't know the true details. They stayed together til they died.

I've seen people stay and suffer, stay and make it better, leave and suffer, leave and it works out. I will say that divorcing creates a risk on the children because a new step mom may not mess up the kids. Guess step dad could as well, but women who have their own kids may treat the others differently, from what I've seen.

Either way, I'd schedule your mom for a spa day every now and then. What Id fear in this scenario is that people can handle a lot for a long time. Like a runner doing a marathon... they can do it. When the load is taken off, that's when the inflammation hits and... and illness can set in. How to manage that, is a good question I cannot answer.

[mooky06]

My parents stayed together until we were old enough to understand what was going on. It’s been nearly 10 years (maybe even a bit more) since my parents split. But in saying that i wish they had done it sooner instead of later. It was toxic to be in

I think it’s important to have a talk with your child/ren and make them aware of what’s going on and that there will be changes. I reckon the safest and healthiest way of doing things when the parents are deciding to split is to make the transition for the child/ren easier.

[nawtee_me]

I divorced my now ex-wife while out kids were young. However we divorced each other and not the kids. We raised the kids separately but put them first. My ex is remarried now and we are still good friends. Our kids were treated as if we were still together and was raised that way too. We did not talk bad about each other in front of the kids or let the kids play one parent against the other. You know but mom said... or dad said... we talked almost every day while we were raising the kids and we did not let them control us.

[hahahmm]

Often doing the right thing is harder and less fun than doing the wrong thing. If one wishes to be a good parent that comes with certain responsibilities like being a good role model. If both parents are willing to work together to be good role models to the kids & not project any negative stuff in front of the kids it could work. If even one of the parents wants to make life all about themselves then staying isn't doing the kids any favors.

Dide note: there's women who were always single moms & into career and they're bitter. It's not a given that your mom wouldn't be how she is even if the marriage never had any problems. Look at the singer Adele. She admits that she divorced her husband for NO REASON. She's rich, famous, successful career yet she wanted out of the marriage. I wouldn't go believing that just because someone says "i'm miserable being with your father" that it's necessarily the dad's fault.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Oh, it absolutely would be my dad's fault in this case, but she isn't exactly innocent either. My dad is selfish, a sexist and doesn't understand empathy in the slightest. His mindset was kids were better not seen or heard. If we were playing in the house and being too loud for him he would yell at us saying we were going to wake up my mother (she did overnight shifts), if we didn't stop he would wake her up and tell her to deal with us. She would never even hear us playing (she even would say as much) and the only one who ended up waking her was him. He just thought it was my mom's job to deal with the kids.

For the record, my mom made (and still makes) more money than him, worked more hours and was still expected to take care of him, us kids and the house. Eventually when I got older, I learned how to cook, do laundry and ironing so I was responsible for those too.

[hahahmm]

Well men do tend to believe more in maintaining order. Women tend to want to nurture/baby pets, kids, people. That's not unusual at all. Ideally they balance each other out. Far as the money & work stuff.. sounds like someone had the idea that men & women are identical so it doesn't matter if they swap traditional roles. Guess it didn't work out! Not a surprise to me.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

He didn't maintain order at all. He just wanted things to be done but left it up to my mom to actually do it. He didn't really get involved unless it came to spanking us or if she was at work when she switched to working double shift weekends.

I am very much against the idea of gender roles. My dad and to a certain extent my mom, believed in them. She just made more because she went into a nursing field and kept going back to college to advance herself. My dad stayed working in the civil sector of the local AFB here after he left military service.

[hahahmm]

Yes, your dad did things wrong then... "I am very much against the idea of gender roles" -- Then you will probably wind up with a dude who is a lot like your dad and not even know it till it's too late. Cause your mom had the same idea as you when she started out. Good luck tho.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I am married to another woman and we have been together either dating/married for nearly 20 years. : )

[hahahmm]

A lot of men are saying it's time to invest money companies making electric can openers and cat food.

[Morgador]

It takes two too end up divorced. If you realize that and you except that and you learn and grow from your hand in your divorce falling. Then you are able to realize that what you and you ex had as a relationship together is over. The most important thing now is the children and you work together as parents not married parents but parents and showing the kids that you both respect each other and you raise your kids without they typical arguments. The kids come first and the love for them will show through when you respect each other

[Kristog]

I stayed Married well after it should ended really, but stayed together for the kids. It ended up making things so much worse that now we no longer even communicate even for the kids (who ate all adults now) But it drove a wedge between the entire family. Luckily I've managed to rebuild a relationship with my kids. But it should been so much easier on them.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

Not sure how things would have turned out had my parents divorced, but given the state of things now, I can't imagine it would be too much worse.

[Diodoro]

Big picture

Statistically speaking the child is far better off with the parents staying together trying to work it out than not.

There are a minority of cases where it's better to separate. Like horrible abuse. The end point is parents both trying to work it out. Not one parent putting up with the others BS who doesn't give a shit and isn't trying.

Problem is it's common for a partner to feel like the other doesn't care or isn't trying when they are.

[Kaneki05]

Divorce of course, no point been with someone to be unhappy.

My parents split up when i was younger, and i fully agree with the fact they did and am not bothered at all by it. But apparently when i was young i was upset about it, i have no memory of that, in my head i've always been okay with it. So who knows on that.

[ChrisMaster69]

Personally, you do it, just get divorced.

you reach a point in a relationship where as grown ups you recognise you need to do something.

it’s pointless hanging around building up on toxic unhealthy atmosphere.

By doing this, my ex wife and me are good friends and get on great, zero animosity, zero hassle, jealousy etc.

If we had left it longer, chances are it would have turned toxic and we would be in a worse position.

[HighValue]

The kids would not be harmed so much if the parents agreed on equal custody and didn't try to turn them against the other parent. Okay, let's be clear, the vast majority of the time it is the woman trying to get primary custody and steal the kids from the father and turn them against them.
I don't know your parent's personal unique situation, but that is how it usually is for most couples.
Anyways, if she would have been willing to have equal custody then it would have been better to divorce and just share the kids every other week.

[Adam1978]

I was raised in a broken home and I wish my parents had just split so I didn't have to suffer their almost daily arguments. They split after almost all kids left the house which is to late the damage is done. No good frame to form a healthy relationship there.

[Wester1967]

My parents stayed together "for the kids" ... 20 years they modeled as pure of a dysfunctional relationship as humanly imaginable "for the kids"... the fallout was nearly catastrophic. My brother and I will probably never get married or have a functional relationships, much less be able to manage a relationship to have our own kids. There is your experiment. Those are your results

[Petermorgan34]

My parents are still together so I may be unqualified to answer but I think it would be worse to lie that everything is ok and do it when they are older. If you are out of options id say do it now so they have time to adapt, and learn to live with this reality. It could have worse consequences for them when they are older and think everything is fine between you two.

[bonnet909]

If you are in this situation. be mature about it don't be petty and run your mouth and continuing trying to publically put someone on show and using kids as punishment and controlling the other. partner I cannot hurt to let the other parent visit time child. even if at the park stand opposite sides of field and if at a house different rooms if any interaction say hello and good bye politely and don't loss your shit. if you want respect then show respect and explain to the kids what is happening and how , why , when kids come first and that's most important thing you both are focused about kids will work out what way they choose to be

[Andres77]

I've seen kids not affected much and others totally decimated by divorce.
It seems... divorce when the kid is 3 or less is less traumatic.
But 3-16 it's horrific for some kids.
Their whole world is turned upside down.
If there's fighting or abuse involved... that needs to be accounted for.
Divorce is just after a close family members death in terms of stress.
Divorce destroys kids.
If after 3 I'd stay just for the kids as long as there's no abuse.
There's no good answer.

[Nomina]

I would stay married. Yes, religious beliefs and the sad observation that marriages don't last anymore. I would rather work on it than give up.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

The religious reasons I get, but the being a martyr because other marriages fail i completely don't understand.

[Nomina]

I don't see it as playing martyr because that implies lack of control over the situation. I don't see it that way. So long as something can be done, I'll do it. Marriage and family are taken very seriously where I'm from and I'm inclined to agree with that view.

[Seinna]

I don't believe in divorce. A few of my friends grew up without a stable family and it messed them up for life. When did it become acceptable to have children pay for adults' mistakes? People give up on their marriages far too soon. The only expection of course is if one is abusive towards the other.

[mobiusforniner]

Wow, people are so quick to throw in the towel if things are not going well. News flash... marriage isn't about happy ever after, sex 5 times a day or frolicking through fields of flowers. Its tough. Takes a lot of work. Can and does involve very unhappy moments. But the reward comes when youve endured that adversity and still plow through it together. 8 years and going...

[Ez-Bri-Z]

I have been with my wife for nearly 20 years between dating and marriage and my parents have been together for over 40. Pretty sure we know how to stick together and that isn't the point anyway.

This isn't about single unhappy moments. Its finding that there are very little to no happy moments. Its being caught in an unfulfilled relationship. So while yes it is easy to say when you exist within the ups and downs of a normal relationship, its much harder to say when in a relationship that is taking your will to live just by existing within it.

[Quigly]

You are posting as a girl and talking about your wife. Might explain some complexities.
You sound like you are talking about depression and blaming the relationship. Might not have anything to do with the relationship. I suggest talking to a Doctor instead of the internet.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

@Quigly I am posting as a girl talking about my wife... because I am a lesbian woman? Also, if you had reading comprehension I am referring to my parents hetero relationship. My relationship with my wife is perfectly fine and going on nearly 20 years strong.

[Quigly]

Yes, I comprehended both those things in your comment.

[Ez-Bri-Z]

@Quigly And you still posted what you did.. ok?

[Quigly]

Yeah.

[mobiusforniner]

Oh trust me. Been there. There was a point in our marriage where i felt zero value. Not just a few days. Im talking about years. I drowned myself in work to escape. Because My wife didn't care to listen to me abd wouldn't change to support me. My in laws didn't feel I was religious enough. They influenced my kids to think I had no authority or purpose. I felt empty. I almost had an affair with a coworker before my wife woke up and began doing something about it. We worked through it. I stayed cuz I love my wife and kids and can't imagine what life would be if I didn't stay for them, regardless if I was suffering. Cuz thats kind of what love is, putting others first. Even if they dont

[Ez-Bri-Z]

And that is honestly terrific! I am very glad to hear it worked out for you, but that isn't the case for everyone. Sometime, as others have stated, divorce was and is the better option.