I can't stop feeling hurt by what he did? are my feelings valid? Someone please help me?

[Anonymous]

Me and this guy started liking each other nine months ago but I wasn't in good mental state and didn't trust him at all because he seemed desperate and flirted with my friend after getting random request from her. Then I broke connection with him but we again connected and started talking like a couple and I told him I wasn't in good mental state to date. We did talk like couple and when we met he tried to kiss me on first date and I got uncomfortable and left early. On second date I just went to meet him but he pressurized to kiss me (my first kiss) spanked me, and I hated it but then I found out he flirted with other girls too. It hurted a lot and whe n I confronted him and denied to meet him he said I was evil and he didn't do anything morally wrong and triggered my insecurities, belittled me, said I am like his ex so I left him but I feel really hurt. I don't know If these feelings are valid or not. Someone please tell me that are my feelings valid or not?

[DaveJord]

Sounds like you got some real insecurity issues that you need to deal with before you subject yourself to dating.

So on one hand this guy is wrong because you told him you got mental state issues... so most guys would of seen that as a huge RED Flag and ran away as fast as they could from you. Girls with these type of issues have a toxic type of state about them, and are near impossible to date... so this guy should of known better.

On the other hand, you should of known better... like you stated you got issues and those issues are not going to fix themselves unless you put forth some serious effort to change those things about you and even get professional help if need be. So you should not be out there trying to date either knowing what you know about yourself. Too often in these type of scenarios the "victims" take no responsibility for their own actions and contributions to the situation. So even though this guy was probably not right, you should so some self reflection on yourself and take some responsibility as well... at the end of the day you can change or effect what he did... but you can change and effect what you did or would do next time. You don't have to blame yourself, just learn from it and do better next time... everyone makes mistakes its not a bigger deal then it needs to be.

Sure you can feel hurt, and for some they would say your right to feel hurt. I can't say your wrong for feeling how you feel... I mean those are your feelings and you have a right to have them and nobody can say your wrong for having your own feelings. But the bottom line truth it, that nobody cares about your feelings. Yes everyone has a sob story, and some type of trauma or tragedy in their lives, and honestly all the stories I have heard are like a dime a dozen... but you will always find someone to turn a sympathetic ear to you of that is what you want. But that is not me, at some point no matter what the severity of the deal is you just got to move on and get over it and live a normal life. If not it will forever dominate you and you can't expect the world around you to change to accommodate you for not being about to processes it in productive way. You can get angry and upset about that if you want, but again we all have our own feelings and nobody seems to care about my feelings so why would anyone expect that I should care about theirs?

Like you said you got mental state issues, so your feelings are effected by that... so chances are this guy didn't realize what he was getting involved with and maybe what he did would not of been that big of a deal with a normal mentally healthy women... which clearly you are not in your current state, by your own admittance.

[Asker]

First of all, thank you for telling me your honest opinion, I really needed that and the thing about my mental state I told him every time he used to bring up dating or something romantic. I maintained my boundaries and I knew he used to flirt with other girls too. I said nothing because I knew my feelings are none of his business but what he did to me, he manupilated me even though he had been in that mental state once but he still messed with me even when I tried to maintain my boundaries he did not respect them, my only fault was having feelings for him even though he was a jerk. And I only want a validation or to know that those feelings are valid and about that toxic girl thing I never meddle with his business he used to get jealous of every guy friend of mine blame things on me belittled me shouted me abused me. And I knew what I was getting into and about mu mental state but I had no control over my heart and if someone used my vulnerability to get advantage blame is on him. His morals are wrong not mine.

[DaveJord]

Well you should need no validation for doing the right thing, and it sound to me like you have done the right things for yourself. If the guys is a jerk then he is a jerk and I applaud you for standing up for yourself. If you were honest with him from the start that's a big time bonus to me, most [people do not have the courage to be honest these days. I think you definitely did not try to hid anything... so yeah he probably did not to the right things here or respect your boundaries and you are a mature enough individual to not put with it. You definitely have a right to expect better and not settle for less so again I applaud you.

[Asker]

Thank you so much. I really appreciated what you said to me and I was clear to him since start but he messed with me, andi also accept it's not only from on side maybe somewhere I really gave him all the advantage of using me but after what he did. i have no words for him.
Thank you so much.

[lilgodjoejoe]

Ight from a man's point of view I would say you're feelings are reasonable feelings to have for that kind of situation because you weren't in the right mental state to be in a relationship but you wanted to at least be part of this guy's life and he took advantage of that and pretty much made you kinda regret your decision. But then because you weren't in the right mental state you were probably having attachment issues which is another reason why when you two broke communication this time you feel really bad. but pretty much I would say your feelings are justified.

[Asker]

Tbh, he took advantage of my feelings towards him and he used to shout at me and say I am being dramatic whenever I used to ask anything like that. I felt as if my heart has shattered into pieces when I came to know. I feel really hurt and it didn't even affect him. I left him and I Don't think so it makes any difference to him. I feel like I wasn't of any importance to him.

[lilgodjoejoe]

Yeah I would say that he never had intentions to even be in a steady relationship especially if he was not affected

[Asker]

He did ask me to date but I was clear that can't right now and after what he did twice I couldn't trust him. He kept using the fact that his ex left me to keep me from going.

[lilgodjoejoe]

But like there's no reason for him to bring up his ex as a reason for you to stay

[Asker]

Yeah I know it just felt like he used me. I can't forgive myself about it. That's the main problem too.

[Anonymous]

yes, your feelings are valid. don't ever let a guy treat you like this again. you did the right thing walking away. hopefully you're ignoring all contact with him. he's no good. trust your gut...

[Asker]

Thank you so much, thank you very much, yeah I am ignoring all the contacts with him. How can someone be so cruel to use someone and fake there feelings for such a long time?

[serious]

He clearly does not care about you or your feelings. He is flirting with others which indicates he never liked you in the first place.

[Asker]

I feel foolish and can't forgive myself about it and let him took advantage of me. Thank you for telling me my feelings are valid. Thank you so much. But how can someone fake this thing for 9 months?

[Pyrofox]

Ditch him girl complete player with no remorse.

[Asker]

I did, tbh I want him to feel the pain I felt. i just can't get over this pain.

[Pyrofox]

Your not your past move on. OP.

[Asker]

Yep thank you.