Boyfriend broke up with me because he doesn’t feel the “spark” and because “things have changed”?

[Anonymous]

This relationship has been on and off for 6 years, each time him initiating the breakup and always coming back at the end. This time, 4 days ago when he broke up with me, he called me on my family trip after i’ve been away for a week saying that we should breakup because he fell out of romance basically saying he doesn’t love me anymore because things have changed and things are different.

He had been dealing with depression for the past couple months and i’m not sure if the depression just didn’t let him love anymore because it got so severe. everyone keeps telling me it’s not him talking it’s the depression. this breakup really came as a surprise because i thought everything was fine. before i left for the family trip, we went on a date and we had so much fun together that day. we had been doing a lot of fun stuff together and even had plans to go out after i came back. i don’t understand why he would be bored in the relationship if we did so much together and had so much fun. i’m worried he might have thought the “spark” was not there anymore therefore he automatically took it as he didn’t love me anymore and that it was best to end the relationship. one thing people were telling me is that at one point in a long term relationship there will always be a time of doubting the relationship and not feeling a spark. he just never expressed that feeling to me and gave up.

i’m so confused. i thought everything was okay and him saying he doesn’t love me anymore is such a painful feeling. i’ve done nothing but be there for him and love him endlessly. not too long ago he was telling me he doesn’t know what he would do without me and got really emotional saying i’m the only person there for him. is he just confused about how long term relationships work? does he not understand the concept of overcoming that feeling? please i feel so alone and confused.

Updates

1 y

an important aspect i forgot about what he said was how he felt he had been feeling the “spark” was going away and that the romance fell off for 3 months. that confuses me though because i truly felt a deep connection with him throughout those 3 months and we would do so much together. when he told me he loved me in that time, it truly felt like he meant it. he said that it felt like the spark would be there sometimes which would be the times, but that it would just fade again.

Updates

1 y

when we met up to talk about the breakup, i told him that normally long term relationships overcome this feeling of doubt, and i said if he doesn’t understand that then he just is not ready for commitment, and he admitted that he isn’t ready, and that he thought he was.

[Guy13]

Has the depression been through the whole relationship…I see you referenced depression in recent history but you also spoke of very happy prior too. Have you seen both elements throughout the relationship?

[Asker]

he’s definitely dealt with depression in the past but its always faded away and he would get better. every year he goes through these points and times where he gets super depressed to the point where he doesn’t want to be touched and wants to be left alone but this time it got so bad it effected the relationship. I would say the depression he’d been experiencing before we broke up has been getting worse and worse the last 5 months.

[Asker]

i feel i was there for him and tried to love him as much as i could while he was dealing with this depression. he would be super happy at times telling me how much he loved me and how he doesn’t know what he would do without me but then other times where he would get really sad. but definitely, we had so much fun together i thought when he was with me the depression would be set aside and he’s be distracted from it.

[Guy13]

That’s difficult... the good times are really good and the bad times are really bad sound right? Does it ever go from one to another immediately?

[Asker]

that does sound right. it does go from one to the other immediately. One day we would be hanging out and when we first hangout it would be good, but then he would get easily agitated about something. I don’t really know, but i know we had so much fun together, even before i left we did have a lot of fun together, i mean we would laugh our butts off and even go on adventures. that’s why i’m so confused as to why he just up and left saying he didn’t love me. he said he’d been feeling the spark wasn’t there for 3 months but that doesn’t make any sense to me since i felt a deep connection and we did so much together.

[Guy13]

Have you or the both of you spent time with a counselor or psychologist? Are either one of you in a public institution like school at any level. If so, there should be access to counselor. Perhaps, you can find a resource in Public Health system.
Maybe if you can get that data together and organized it will be helpful for your mental wellness. And maybe Counselor can direct you along the way…and maybe your work will translate into individual and/or perhaps couple counseling.
Either way, I’m not sure how well I would sleep if I did not have an understanding of “what’s going on”. It seems like right direction BUT you are an adult, there, and able to decide for yourself.

[Asker]

being that he decided to end things already and that we are doing no contact makes that difficult. when i spoke to him in person i told him to please get help because i wouldn’t be there anymore. i hope he gets the help.

[Guy13]

Alright. Good luck with everything. You’re brave and an “all-in” kind of soul. Hang in there 🙂

[Avicenna]

I would think that the depression he has been experiencing had some effect. It's really sad.

[Asker]

i don’t know if i’m just telling myself this to feel better but i think the depression is talking not him. how does love just fade away like that? why wouldn’t he tell me so we could work through it? i know you don’t have the answers i’m just genuinely confused.

[Avicenna]

It could be that. I have a hard time believing that isn't the explanation.

[Anonymous]

He is going through hard times right now. Show some support.

[Asker]

he broke up with me and is deciding not to speak to me. crazy how a 2 weeks ago everything seemed perfect and now it’s like we are complete strangers. i would be there for him but he pushed me away.

[Iron_Man]

what a quitting coward you don’t deserve somebody like that you deserve better