4 years after my only heartbreak I think I’m finally healing for real. I know that’s a long time to process a breakup but I truly believe it’s not the heartbreak that breaks you, it’s how it happened. Rejection always hurts, but it’s the way it happened that really damaged me. I always knew long before I was ever advised on “why” it happened exactly why it happened. I knew deep down without him ever saying it aloud that the man I loved couldn’t have loved me and treated me the way that he did at the same time. Both couldn’t exist in unison. I loved him, and he told me he loved me, but I had a bad feeling in my stomach that wouldn’t go away. Call it woman’s intuition. Plus I had proof in many ways that his words and his actions didn’t align. I had been hurt by him in many ways, but he had a loophole for everything so I couldn’t really fault him. I just had to accept that the man I loved was not for me. So I tried to leave. I tried to be as delicate as possible with him, explaining to him that I couldn’t be with him when I felt like I cared too much and knew it would only get me hurt in the end. It’s not like we were “officially” still together anyway when I sent this paragraph explaining why I needed to end it all. So I told him that he couldn’t have his cake and eat it too. But it wasn’t an ultimatum, it was a goodbye. One filled with love but acceptance. To this day I truly believe that was the most sincere expression of love I have ever shown anyone. I wished him the best even if I wasn’t included in his life anymore. I just wanted to protect myself from a boy who wasn’t a man yet, who I felt wasn’t a bad person but who needed things I didn’t know how to give and who could break me way too easily if he wanted to.
the part that hurt so badly is that a few weeks later he cried and begged for a second chance unprompted. He convince me that he was safe. So when he ghosted me for another girl a month later it broke the part of me that wanted to ever love again
