Advice for a girl who keeps getting ghosted by guys who seemed to seriously like me?

[Anonymous]

Part of unpacking why I was ghosted the first or second time came with over explaining myself and suddenly having a spotlight on me to prove that I DO matter and that I AM a good person. At least that’s how I saw it. Mentally it felt like I was in box. Being ghosted the first time by a man who I was in love with and who I thought loved me, who took my virginity and who had cried to me to convince me how much he loved me really hurt. But after him, ALL the other times it didn’t work out with a guy paled in comparison. I guess it helped that after the first man ghosted me (the one who took my virginity) I maintained celibacy ever since for all these years. I was always able to just move on and forget eventually any new man who impressed me for a moment and then pulled away over time. But I never forgot the first one. The most recent time I was ghosted was by this rich man who sent flowers to my job. I can understand this one. Unlike the other times, I feel like this time was actually my fault. Not that I did anything bad, but that I had too much going on to make it work. He offered to fly me out multiple times but I just didn’t trust it. I asked him twice if it wasn’t working could we stay friends. I wanted to think that because he was older he might be mature enough to say “actually it’s not working” and then choose to either stay friends or part ways permanently. But instead he lied to me, saying he still thought of us as being on the “same page” and then ghosting me days later after I gave him an “out” that he refused to take. It’s like he just HAD to ghost me. Simply saying it wasn’t working must have been too hard. So it broke a part of me. Just like with most other guys, I was able to let the man go without So much as a question. But this time I just felt done. I couldn’t muster up the energy to care anymore. That was over 2 months ago and this feeling hasn’t gone away. It’s like I just don’t care nor do I try anymore

[innerman]

Yes the first cut is the deepest, I hope u never mentioned about him to any other boyfriends... coz after reading through, I gather it hurt u and sex is a big deal to u


Let’s be friends... bitch, I already gat friends and I dnt need a constant reminder that u dumped me


You already hv trust issues, that’s something you will need to work on by your self, or take pills... good luck

[Asker]

The one person who I had really talked about it to was a guy I dated for almost a year. I had been friends with him for over 10 years though and we remained friends after I broke up with him. He was a good guy and was always supportive but we had major differences. Our political views didn’t align at all, we had nothing in common and I was really struggling with a fear of having sex that, like you mentioned, came from the first man. I couldn’t get over it so I eventually had to end that relationship. But I was respectful and honest and to this day we are still best friends. Actually it feels like we’re closer more recently. I just wish that people would ever be decent enough to do the same for me-say to my face or at at least say it AT ALL that the interest has come to an end

[innerman]

So you need someone to do you well... like fuck that first guys memories, feelings, whatever out of you

[Asker]

I don’t think so. I don't know. I don’t remember what it’s even like anymore. I just remember the fact that I trusted him and he broke my trust And it hurt bad enough that the desire to have sex just kind of went away. I have used still but the actually desire to be intimate and close to another person, being held or being touched isn’t there. When I was dating the guy who was my friend for ten years even holding his hand felt wrong. I would always pull away. I would scoot or turn away from him when we were next to each other. I would feel nauseous and panicked if he touched me. And I would have flashbacks whenever he touched me-even if he just touched my arm or something. It wasn’t fair to him so that’s why I ended it. I think felt bad for me and knew I was struggling so he didn’t seem to take it personally either. He’s the only one who ever saw that though. No other guy ever witnessed me being this way because it never got far enough for anyone else to see that

[Pot8o]

@innerman Good effort

[Asker]

@Pot8o also Ik this is tmi but I was dating another guy who was decent guy too. I let him give me a favor and he did good. Better than my first love actually. But it felt so wrong that I started panicking. And I ended up just asking the guy to leave. I ended up breaking up with him for pretty much the same reason as the other guy-because it felt incompatible and any form of intimacy-even if it felt good-was too much for me to handle. But ironically these two are the ones who ghosted me. And we stayed friends as well. He seemed to have no hard feelings also. The only ones who I was ghosted by were men I hadn’t ever let touch me or even kiss me-or sometimes even meet me

[Asker]

Those two are NOT the ones who ghosted me* is what I meant to say

[Pot8o]

Do you have any female friends or family members you would consider successful when it comes to men? If you do, you should probably hang out with them more and learn from them.

[Asker]

@Pot8o not really. My best friend is in a long term relationship which I support. She comes to me sometimes to vent and I urge her to work it out. I also don’t pick sides but I feel she could do better my sisters also have no trouble with boys. Me and both my sisters are all pretty girls. I even won an award for best looking in high school and my sister who looks Like she could be my twin has a bunch of followers on Instagram. I always hear about some guy having a crush on me. Attracting men has never been a problem it’s usually that we don’t relate or because maybe I won’t open up enough or I probably open up too much to the wrong guys. My mom is a really bad influence with men so I just do the opposite of whatever she does. And my grandma has been married for 20 years but her husband isn’t all that great in my book. He even got high and tried to flirt with me once. I don’t just want A man.. ANY man. I’m not desperate. But I won’t act like I know how to keep one. If I meet the right one I would know if I was doing things right or wrong. And the first love who ended up breaking my heart did try to come back last year and wouldn’t stop trying to get my attention for months. I never gave him another chance for obvious reasons. But I think he gave me commitment issues. And I think as I’m reading all of my own responses I’m noticing that I have trouble committing, being intimate, accepting help or love, being vulnerable and being excited for love. And having as many disappointing outcomes as I have had hasn’t helped build that excitement. It’s like I’ve cared less and less with each new attempt. The thrill or the desire and the excitement just isn’t there

[Pot8o]

With guys, you have to a) avoid the ones who only want sex, because that is no basis for commitment. They'll try to hide it, but you can probably see through it if you try. Then b) you should try to date the ones who actually have a real crush on you, where they're actually emotionally invested in you (if you like them, obviously). Then c) you just have to spend time together and wait and see if you're compatible long-term or get bored with each other or have too little in common. If not, congratulations, you have a proper relationship with a man.

[Pot8o]

Note that the crush has to be there before you have had sex with the guy.

[innerman]

I stand by what I said
Someone needs to do you good... in your case it’ might be a few someone’s coz u hv to stop over hyping sex...

It’s like having breakfast.. get on with it then go to work. Stop seeing it as that tiny bread they serve in church. That u get one a year

[Guy13]

Risking freely without questioning character of guy demonstrating both insecurities and “too much to deal with” may be part of it. 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Asker]

The stuff I had going on was personal. But if you must know I was being evicted and I had to relocate. I was also helping an addict family member and it was mentally draining me. People do have lives and they aren’t always perfect. I didn’t communicate what I had going on as a large Part of it wasn’t my business to tell. And I felt that if he knew I was being evicted he would try to help or feel obligated to help when I already had a backup plan and simply had to work 7 days a week and take out a loan to move. He had already offered me money before but I declined because I’m independent and too proud. Maybe a flaw but I don’t see it that way. Also, I liked him genuinely. But I wasn’t making excuses for my inability to be available. I did let him know I was tied up and left it up to him to decide if he could handle it or not. I just didn’t expect to be ghosted -AGAIN/ after telling him that I would still appreciate a friendship even if he no longer wanted to try to date me

[Guy13]

Wow... settle down a little, reconnect, and really explain proud part. "Ready now, if you want to see where it may go". I am guessing...

[Pot8o]

This research paper might help. Just read the summary at the beginning.

helenfisher. com/downloads/articles/14defining. pdf

[_Just_A_girl_]

No more online dates for you in person only

[Asker]

Could be that. One guy I had met at work but we saw each other so infrequently that it might as well have been considered online dating. Although we did hang out a few times. The only times k actually had a face to face conversation that was a breakup
Was twice when I was breaking up with two different guys I had dated and it felt incompatible. But I still communicated and was respectful and remained good friends with both those guys. I just never got that courtesy returned to me once in my life. Anytime it was up to the other person I would get ghosted.

[Asker]

The other times where it was “online” wasn’t intentionally because I was looking. I don’t use dating apps. I had met the last two guys who ghosted me on facebook. So I wasn’t actively seeking a relationship just responded to some messages I had got

[Asker]

*wasn't looking