I’m beyond tired of all of this, help?

[Anonymous]

Boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. I said I love you like 2 months in? This is my first relationship and I didn’t realise about when to say it, I said it because it felt right.

2 months ago I found him on a dating app, we talked about it, he said he was looking to make friends on it, he used it only of lately of that month, he deleted it for me. He told me he only loved me and didn’t cheat.

Fast forward to this month found him on another dating app, he said that he was afraid of us not working out so he wanted a backup option, in person he was clearly upset and anxious. He regrets it. He wants this relationship. He wants us to work.

He said that its not my fault at all about any of this, he said he got scared when I said I love you too soon. He said I was overly invested from the start but I told him about why I did say it and he said I know that’s understandable and it’s not a problem at all, he has his own problems. He said he doesn’t want to be with me and I asked why he said its about stuff he wants to open up about?

Like I can’t tell if he doesn't want to be with me because of how he feels but wants all of this or he SERIOUSLY doesn't want to be with me. Because he keeps showing an effort to make it work and how he loves me but lately I’m afraid if he wants to break up…

He wants to talk about it in person

I’m starting to think he lost interest?

I also think that he has a deep rooted insecurity where I will leave him and maybe he wants someones affection all the time to rely on if it falls bad. He can’t handle emotions or deal with situations very well?

It sounds like an emotional/mental/insecurity problem everytime he tries to open up about it. It’s like one thing he has to be open about and he hasn't said it yet

I feel like I’m missing important stuff to this but this is what I feel is important.

Updates

1 y

Meeting up to talk in person about all of this. I’m noting important things to talk about like my expectations, needs, concerns, emotions and feelings. I also want to ask questions like “Do you want to continue this relationship?” “Is it me you want to be with?” Just clear answers. If any questions seem good to ask please comment them. i dont want to overwhelm him i will say how i feel and ask questions and let him open up about everything thats going on.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you are going through a lot of uncertainty and confusion in your relationship. It's understandable that you would feel hurt and betrayed by your boyfriend's actions, and it's important to take time to reflect on your feelings and needs in the situation.

It's possible that your boyfriend may have his own insecurities and fears that are driving his behavior, and it may be helpful for him to work through these issues with a therapist or counselor. However, it's important to remember that you cannot control his behavior or emotions, and ultimately the decision to continue or end the relationship is up to you.

If you feel like you are missing important information or that there are unresolved issues in your relationship, it may be helpful to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your concerns. It's important to communicate your feelings and needs in a respectful and non-confrontational way, and to listen to his perspective as well.

Ultimately, it's important to prioritize your own well-being and to make a decision that feels true to yourself and your values. Take time to reflect on what you want and need in a relationship, and don't be afraid to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist as you navigate this difficult situation.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for understanding.
I have been waiting to meet up in person with him and since we talked on the phone I’ve drawn so many conclusions.
I told him my needs in this relationship, being long term, honesty, a future and commitment.
He understands and wants this still. He said he doesn't see a future with me or anyone, i explained how i saw a future with him and he said i can see a future with u now that u have said that.
Personally i want to bring up about a therapist when i meet him. Im going to express how i feel to him because I've been very upset and understanding of the emotions and feelings I've felt during all of this. i dont want to burden him if this is a mental problem because he seems so stressed.
Thank you once again, I felt very understood reading your comment, Im seeing a therapist right now and talking to a parent about it too.

[Opinion Owner]

In terms of questions to ask, some potential ones could include:

- How do you feel about our relationship?
- Do you see a future together?
- Are there any concerns or issues that you want to discuss?
- What are your expectations for our relationship moving forward?
- How can we work together to build trust and establish clear communication?
- Are there any personal or emotional challenges that you are facing that may be affecting our relationship?

[Opinion Owner]

You’re welcome and It's great that you are taking steps to prioritize your own well-being and seek support from a therapist and your parent. It's important to take care of yourself and to make decisions that are right for you, regardless of what your partner may or may not want.

It's good that you plan to express your feelings and concerns to your boyfriend in person, and to bring up the idea of therapy if you feel it may be helpful for both of you. Remember that open and honest communication is key in any relationship, and that it's important to establish clear boundaries and expectations to ensure that both parties are on the same page.

Trust yourself and your instincts, and know that you deserve to be treated with kindness, respect, and consideration in all interactions.

[burlen]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time in your relationship. It's understandable that you feel confused and hurt by your boyfriend's actions, particularly with regard to the dating apps.

Have you had an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your feelings, concerns, and expectations?

[Asker]

Hey sorry only getting back to u today
I explained that i wanted long term and honesty. he said he knows and he's sorry he's a bad communicator, he knows im upset and he's sorry for betraying my trust and stressing me out so much. i haven’t explained to him in detail on how i REALLY feel. it sucks but its hard to do that when u realise that that doesn't really matter or change things, its only feelings

[Anonymous]

Goodness some man child this guy sucks. I know its not as easy to do but if it were me those are enough reasons for me to leave. Trying to find friends, really? Lol. Finding a backup option? Got even worse.

[Asker]

I found it a reason to leave sorta but I've been thinking he doesn't want to be alone and wants to disclose his problem so he can stay with me but he felt like he couldnt do that so obviously he ran to find comfort.

[Opinion Owner]

you're making excuses for someone you love. Thats natural. Does it really matter if thats true or not? You still know its not right.

[Asker]

I know its not right but can't i just have him sort out his problems and then he can realise oh no i really messed up. like he feels guilt u can literally tell

[zeitgeist057]

Nah, he hasn't lost interest. But he is going to keep getting on dating apps and keep looking for side action (or maybe you will be the side action). This guy isn't monogamous. Or at least he's not very good at it.

[Asker]

I’m sorry but i have to disagree with this. i dont know how side action came in when i talked about me and my boyfriend not working out together. i feel like he's afraid of being alone. maybe there is a possibility to ur point considering the unpredictable nature of cheating men and undisclosed insecurities. i mean it all still contributes to their behaviour that happens right? so its either to be with me and find the problem or just not be with me for whatever reason he has

[zeitgeist057]

My point is he's not trying to be with just you, that's where the side action comes in. I'll break it down a little simpler.
You started dating. Two months later, you found out that he was on some dating app. Probably he never left the dating app. As in, he was using a dating app the whole time you were dating, or maybe he took a little break when you were first dating and he was too busy with you. But soon after.
You busted him, he lied to you and said he was "using it to make friends" yeah right. He acted like he was sorry and deleted the app. But then he downloaded it or another app soon after and got right back to trying to hook up with girls behind your back. You busted him again, he made up another BS story and you bought it. He's probably on some dating app right now lol.

There's a little saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." He's fooling you as many times as it takes.

If you really want to know the truth, make up a fake profile on a couple of these apps and see if you can find him. should be easy knowing his age and filtering for his demographics like if he smokes, has pets, all the profile stuff. Connect as a fake profile and ask if he wants to hook up. Even ask if he has a girlfriend who wants to join. My guess is he will say yes to hooking up but no to having a girlfriend.

[Asker]

Okay thats great!
Thats only a theory i dont need to do all of that
I should be able to just trust him and hear the truth

[zeitgeist057]

I trust people who deceive to keep on deceiving. I think that's great you are so trusting, it's really sweet. I just think the evidence of deceit is obvious and the whole situation is sus. But your idea of hearing him out and listening to what he says is also great, the more communication the better.