Are u a loner? Do you find it hard to maintain long relationships with ANYBODY (family, friends, etc)?

[Anonymous]

😑 i finally think I've snapped.

I have a problem.

I am beyond loner at this point. As i live pretty isolated for most of my life. I always do things by myself. Mind my own business.

I make a huge effort to step out my comfort zone like cmon u can't live in isolation forever.

But when it comes to people its like never the right fit. Ik nothing is perfect. But i can't even find anyone worth putting up with.

Obviously if this continues ill die alone. But im so tired of people im so tired of the social peacock dance. Like i dont want to be fake. I dont want to put up with this one who just tells all my business to everyone. Or this one who tells my friends they talk to me when their bored.

So here i am with the hatchet again. Severing ties. Pissed and hurt. Wondering. Am i loner? Or is there something wrong with me? Is there no place on this earth i belong to? Cuz I can't find anything i feel passionate about. Not even god

I always enjoy my own company. But when the wrong people come around and leave. I feel so alone. Like i dont belong here at all. If this were the stone age I'd be mauled by wolves by now because i am always alone.

I feel like I've gone insane. Tbh I've been wondering if i need to be mentally evaluated by a professional. Because i am isolated for so many years. I feel people try. But its not good enough for me. Like deep down in my soul im turned off by their ways.

And i run back to my solitude. All alone. Its peaceful sure. But after a few months of never hearing my own voice. The depression comes. And then I wonder why im even here at all.

Sure people say sorry but they dont change. Im tired of being patient. I dont know what to do. Please help me. Is there anyone out there who understands how I feel?

[Obtuse]

Somewhat but in a very different way. In my case, I traveled for most of my life, living in new places all the time, being the new kid in school when I was younger, etc. So I got used to hitting the reset button on existing friends and adapting to new places and making new ones over and over.

I got decent at that. Now I could probably just head out my door and turn a stranger into an acquaintance, exchange contacts, and turn them into good friends. My idea is that every stranger is a potential friend.

The difficulty I have is staying all that interested and loyal to my existing friends. I got to a point when I was in my 20s where I was invited to a birthday party almost every weekend, sometimes two invites on the same weekend. So I started to find it kind of a drag, especially when I could just head out and talk to someone brand new with a fresh conversation. I almost came to favor strangers more than friends.

So these days I keep the number of people I call my "friends" much smaller. Plus most of the ones from my 20s have gotten married with kids and don't have as much time anyway.

I do sometimes think of myself as a "loner" or "nomad". I can make friends wherever I go, but I hang out with them for a while and get tempted to leave again. I'm also not much of a "follower". My friends follow me more than the other way around. I do act in ways that aren't selfish when they're upset or need me, but most of the time I just do whatever I want. When I'm at a friend's party and I get bored, I tell them I want to go somewhere else and they don't have to join me. Yet they end up all joining me and follow me around.

[Obtuse]

I somewhat get how you feel though even though I had a wealth of friends. I get tired of it sometimes. The problem is that I'm extremely extroverted. I go crazy being alone for too long. But I never cared whether the company I spend time with are people I've been friends with for 10 years or complete strangers. I don't see a big difference between the two.

[Asker]

Thank you so much i feel like we relate a lot. I grew up homeless with a single mom. I moved to so many new schools too. I've never had real attachment to people. Im great at socializing. And people invite me every single day. But I just like to keep to myself. I make an effort. But it dies out fast. Its like u said new relationships are refreshing.

But for me when people start doing foolish things. I can only tolerate so much before im ready to move on. I wonder if ill ever make a relationship worthy of holding onto.

The instability is driving me insane. I'd like something that just works and lasts. Im getting tired of this lifestyle. But i can't help how easy it is for me to turn off the switch toward people. And toward insincerity.

I really want to thank u because i was afraid it was just me. I wondered if my standards are too high. I really love myself and my peace. Im really genuine and simple straightforward thinker

I just wish i could share it sometimes with someone who felt the same 😂 i sound so contradicting i wanna kick myself hahaha ill hang in there knowing im not a total nut case

[Asker]

yeah i totally can relate. I've keep my phone on silent for years. Because people can be so demanding of my attention at one point i was going insane trying to be available. Now i am so bad i reach out when i feel like it. I dont feel remorse when im days late replying to texts or phone calls. I really do treat people like revolving doors.

I think I keep pressuring myself to have something more concrete since im getting older and eventually want to get married one day 😂

And everytime i start dating someone im finding ways to end it and run away

[Obtuse]

Cheers! Well, one thing I noticed about your answer I was thinking about for a while:

>> But when it comes to people its like never the right fit. Ik nothing is perfect. But i can't even find anyone worth putting up with. Obviously if this continues ill die alone. But im so tired of people im so tired of the social peacock dance. Like i dont want to be fake.

Fortunately, I didn't have too much in the way of fake or totally selfish friends. Actually, the burden to me of having too many is that they are actually good people -- flawed but good. I get concerned about them when they are having difficulties in life even though they're not the types to dump their problems on me. If anything I tend to question my own selfishness instead of theirs because sometimes I'm a bit flaky as a friend.

But I think for spotting more decent ones, it helps to really just express yourself. My ability to find friends didn't come from turning your random stranger into a friend. It came from expressing myself in a way that divided the strangers. Some would really be put off by me. Some wouldn't and really draw closer. I've become a bit of an open book along the way because that doesn't always get the best response, but it's like if I can start that way from an introduction with a stranger, and they aren't scared away, I can continue being totally myself around them as we go from acquaintance towards a lasting friendship.

It might help to somewhat unleash yourself this way even more than you already do. Take more risks. It's not going to please everybody. But it'll make it easier to spot the ones who genuinely like who you are just as you are, unleashed.

[Asker]

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 i wanna cry thank you. To be honest I've been really expressing myself a lot. Im always totally there for my friends. I help them and care for them. They always come to me. Im extremely nurturing and loving. Everyone looks up to me for advice and follow me around catering to what i wanna do even when I express i don't mind doing it by myself.

But when it comes to my boundaries i speak up. I've come a long way.

But I just after repeatedly having to keep people in check i get fed up and severe ties. And then i feel frustrated like i did today. I worry between the balance of how often should i speak up before i should just walk away?

Like im not desperate enough to cling and compromise my standards in exchange for companionship

But dang i think i may be more extroverted than i thought i was 😂 you really open my eyes so much. Like maybe what i feel is normal after all. And i should keep looking for the quality people you were talking about.

After talking to u today i definitely feel they are out there! 💕💕😆 thank you for taking out time it means so much to me

[Obtuse]

>> And everytime i start dating someone im finding ways to end it and run away

I found when you get like this, it can sometimes help to slow it down. Good times and fun. Forget the emphasis on the destination and try to enjoy the journey. Every day is a chance to have fun, have some nice conversations, maybe meet someone new. I met my now-wife when I was in this mindset after multiple relationships and a seemingly endless stream of dates until I was jaded about the entire prospect. I met her at a picnic. She was a friend of a friend. And we took our time and while flirty almost right from the start, we took our sweet time. I didn't even ask her out on a date until a year later after hanging out all the time together and with mutual friends.

[Obtuse]

>> I worry between the balance of how often should i speak up before i should just walk away?

A little bit of selfishness might help here. Not too much. I sometimes think I err towards too much. But it's like if we are no longer enjoying time with a person, and we're mostly just accumulating stress, it might be time to call it quits.

It's like with a lover -- I see some people define it in terms of "give" and "take". With my wife, the vast majority of the time, I don't have to think that way. I do what I want, she does what we want, and we enjoy each other. It's only in rare cases like when one of us gets ill that it becomes about giving and taking. I am not "giving" when I hug her and ask her how she's doing. I'm genuinely interested, and her responses always interest me. I like talking with her about just about anything. I genuinely enjoy it. I rarely have to think of it in terms of "giving" or "taking". And I think that's the ideal -- with both lovers and friends.

>> I help them and care for them. They always come to me. Im extremely nurturing and loving. Everyone looks up to me for advice and follow me around catering to what i wanna do even when I express i don't mind doing it by myself.

I have this sort of reluctant role sometimes around friends. I'm like the jackass who laughs really hard and is having the most fun only to stop and turn all serious if someone is upset and ask them what's wrong. But I've learned to find it healthy to be a little bit reluctant, not eager. Otherwise, it gets too draining and you can invite ones who exploit your kindness and take it for granted if you are too eager. A little bit of reluctance can be very healthy here.

[Obtuse]

[...] I do what I want, she does what [she wants], and we enjoy each other. [...]

It's like the sweet spot is when what you actually enjoy doing most is actually also being enjoyed by the other person. Then you don't have to think too much in terms of selfish vs. selfless, or give vs. take. It's only in rare times that one person does something they don't want to do to please the other.

>> After talking to u today i definitely feel they are out there! thank you for taking out time it means so much to me

No problem! I hope you can meet some good ones and maybe some that you really enjoy spending time with far more often than not.

[Asker]

I'll definitely try that thank you! I like the idea of taking it slow. The thing is between me and u im never pursuing anyone. Its always someone who keeps pushing for a relationship with me. I need to stop agreeing out of indifference. I never really think about relationships.

Im always having fun. When men approach me im like maybe i shouldn't let this opportunity pass me by. Knowing i really dont like them. But im the type that can try to grow to like someone. But in the end im like 😰 yikes and i end up calling things off.

Anyways I like ur idea. Im going to stop letting people choose me. And I'll take my time and see who i like for a change :) 😭 omg

-----"But it's like if we are no longer enjoying time with a person, and we're mostly just accumulating stress, it might be time to call it quits"

Literally me in a nut shell. I just kick myself after. I need to stop putting all my eggs in 1 basket. So when I let people go im not feeling so negative.

And for your final point. I totally agree. Thats why i keep my phone on silent. I take my time replying to people. I am available when i am ready. Because before i would feel drained and like have social/emotional leeches.

I think age helped 😆 im so happy we have a lot in common. I hope to find something like u and ur wife one day.

I want something that isn't so draining. Something that just fits. And works. And im not over exerting myself. And can be true to myself. 😆 i really look up to u guys. I'm excited to know it exists !!

[Asker]

"No problem! I hope you can meet some good ones and maybe some that you really enjoy spending time with far more often than not."

:D me too 💕 you are epic!! 😆👍

[CuriousMufuxka]

A team of one usually succeeds, but the rabbit hole of insanity digs deeper. One should show and proclaim before doing so..

[MarthaStewert]

It's good to be alone. But sounds like you're lonely. Maybe going some groups/clubs. Connect with some people online. Try to make friends.

Its hard to find decent people.

[jay_urban]

Lonely gang check, me