Why won't my ex give me my stuff back?

[Anonymous]

My ex broke up with me after a 2 years of breaking up/back together a week later on a monthly basis. He tends to just ignore me, delete me from everything, block me on FB, etc and tells me to never contact him. Then he comes to his senses, gets back together and loves me the next week. (Perhaps a little bipolar?) Anyways, this last one was the big breakup. He hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks (longer than he has ever done), did his normal routine, etc. I have messaged him repetitively to get him back, or get my stuff, or to get over being angry with me since this is what he wanted. He has some things of personal value as well as the key to my apartment yet he has yet to give them back, or even contact me back about when I can get my stuff. Normally he puts on a show and rubs it in by asking when he could get HIS stuff back so he would have the upper hand, but he said nothing! 3 weeks ago we had a fight, made up, he bought me expensive roses (which he never does), then a week later breaks up with me again because he claims he lost feelings for me. (even though he loves me a week later then doesn't love me the next)

My questions:

Why is he doing this?

Why so eager to give my stuff to me on previous breakups, and now he won't?

Why ignore someone and convince yourself you don't love her?

Whats with the flip-flop back and forth loving me then not?

[brkadv]

1) This sounds like an almost comically toxic situation. Years of doing this every month?

2) It's likely that one or both of you have a combination of something like a personality disorder (maybe Borderline) and/or bipolar disorder and/or codependence. I can't imagine how you could both continue to go through this cycle without something like those involved.

3) There is no way to know why he acts one time one way and one time another. He is obviously an incredibly unstable person who changes on a dime. Impossible to read his mind about this case.

I don't know for sure if it applies, but we just posted an article responding to a sort of related question from someone whose ex has Borderline Personality Disorder and does a lot of what you're talking about - goes back and forth all the time. You might relate to it and find some good resources there. In any case, please realize that this guy is probably seriously disordered and you probably have some issues of your own to deal with and neither of you is helping the other.

The article is here:

link

[Asker]

Thank you! I was researching it earlier today and have determined that I do believe he does have BPD. He is very hot tempered, and his family is even afraid to confront him in fear of being honest and his overreacting.

As for me, we initially dated years back and never got over him. I loved him. Still do. I've dated others and haven't felt the same. I'm not sure if its a dependance from emotional abuse, but we didn't date that long before so I could develop a dependance years ago.

[brkadv]

Well consider that you are more addicted to him than love him. Relationships with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder can lead to a very deep feeling of attachment, almost cosmic. But it's not really love. It's more a tragic kind of dependency. That's why in that article we recommended some of the resources for healing from relationship addiction and codependence that we did.

[Asker]

Thank you very much, I will definitely check it out.

[brkadv]

You're welcome

[Anonymous]

Set aside WHY he is doing this and just go get your stuff before you both end up on Judge Judy. Here's how to do it.

Go to the local precinct and ask an officer to accompany you to the location where your personal belongings are. Explain that it was a rough break-up and you are uncertain as to why has has ignored all manner of respectful/civil communication is happening. Depending on county regulations, they might ask you to go speak to someone about getting paperwork that allows you access to the apartment for the collection of your things (this way no one can refuse you access AND the cops can come with you for sure).

Going back to the guy, he is a "schmuck" -- and possibly bipolar, as you said. You are better off without a person like that in your life, as you do not need to live in that destructive sort of a pattern.

[Asker]

He has threatened to do that to me(again upper hand) on previous occasions when he broke up and he wanted his stuff back. Thank you for your response. I'm afraid because as much as I want my stuff back, I feel that would be revenge. If he wants to get revenge on me, which he has, then fine, but I don't think I am in the anger part of grief yet

[Opinion Owner]

Please don't misunderstand the advice. It's not anger/revenge, but practicality.

The cop stands there to make sure nothing happens to you. That's all.

[Asker]

Oh sorry, He threatened to call the cops on me so he could get his stuff back duing one of our many break ups. He did it out of anger/revenge. If I did it to him, he would see it as that. Plus that is something serious that he would manipulate it to look like I was the crazy one. He convinced everyone at first I was, but his family is seeing he is a bit insane and not me. Id rather keep that I am not crazy image, perhaps it might get him to get help

[Opinion Owner]

oh my.

I'm sorry you're going through with this. Good luck.

[Asker]

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

What ever happened to you and your situation? You story is exactly the same as mine. He went to see a psychologist at the beginning of the year and they put him on tablets to get his serotonin levels up. Because they went up and he was feeling better, he stopped going which I knew was a bad idea. He lost his job and since then he has gone back to his old ways with his moods and his lying... He is a pathological liar!
I haven't heard from him in 2 weeks, me and my mum have emailed him twice for my stuff and he's read the emails but ignoring us.
Is it a way for him to have that bit of control? I also have met other men but ita not the same