Would you lend money to an ex?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I've been reached by a friend - with whom there had been something in the past - who asked to borrow a substantial sum for admittedly important reason. She swore she'd paid back monthly and she understands and won't carry it against me if I say no, and I replied I'd think about it and let her know.

Updates

+1 y

For those still wondering, in the end I did NOT lend her the money - first to not set a precedent, second because I found out she somehow managed to buy a new, expensive car and is going on vacation to an exotic location.
So she had the money to treat herself, but not for her basic necessities.

[blueonblack22]

It’s never a good idea to “lend money” to anyone in your personal. Instead you just give money to someone with no expectation of being paid back. Once you “lend” money to someone it changes the entire dynamic of the relationship. Dave Ramsey talks about this. Just give unconditionally if you feel so inclined.

Now I don’t know why the hell your ex feels like it’s okay to ask for money. At an absolute best scenario you and her had a deep understanding that there would still be mutual respect after the break up. Also if she broke up with you then you sure as hell owe her absolutely nothing. Nada. I personally had exes literally treat me like I was less than human after being dumped (not exaggerating).

You need to ask yourself why she is asking for this? Why can’t she borrow from a bank or open a credit card? Why isn’t her family helping? Why can’t she ask other friends?

Chances are she is asking you this because you are a nice guy. You wouldn’t even consider it otherwise let alone ask about it on GAG.

There is nothing wrong with being a nice guy I in itself. However you will be a target for people who are looking to exploit underserved favors. Odds 100 to 1 that is why she asked you this. Don’t let her get away with. Also don’t do this thinking it will open the door to getting back together again. No. Hell no. You are in for a very rude awakening if you are thinking that. She likely no longer respects you. Not the extent to you hope.

Calmly tell her you can’t do this. Recommend that she get a loan from the bank or take out a 0% credit card (her parents can co-sign it). She likely thinks she can “push where there is mush”. Stand your ground and make it a solid wall.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I do think she reached out because she somehow heard about me getting a very large inheritance - we had kept contact after the break up as friends and she was even invited when I got married, but we didn't talk in months now.

She's asking 3000€, which is not exactly pocket money. I'm on the fence whenever to give it or not - my wife said to make the decision myself.
I absolutely don't want to set a precedent - I know her, she's trustworthy, but if I'll ever loan the money to her I'll make it clear it's a one-time thing - because it's a slippery slope and there's chance she'll ask again if I bail her out now.

She already said it's fine if I say no, she'll understand and not carry a grudge - I believe her, and she's always been a good person, but money have a way to completely flip and corrupt a person.

[blueonblack22]

The choice is yours. But did she break up with you or vice versa? If it’s the former I would be more inclined to say no.

However if you are going to give then just give unconditionally. A gift. A favor. Don’t expect any repayment financially or otherwise.

Waiting for her to pay it back is going to be mentally taxing for both of you. Tell her to just “pay it forward” to someone else in need if you make that choice. And it doesn’t have to be the amount she asked for.

[blueonblack22]

Also you absolutely need to make sure it is and always will be a one time thing. It would be a different story if you two were dating or married.

[RavVid]

Friends expect friends deals and friends deals mean they can get extensions in paying it back. If she is an ex than I think that means she won't pay back. She might currently really mean it but that will change.

I lent money to a girlfriend - a credit card debt, it was too much to just give it - and I was lucky to get half back before she decided to simply not pay anymore and set about racking up a new cc debt. If this is a cc debt be extra careful. Go to the bank and pay it off. She has already proved she is not prudent.

I think you mentioned an inheritance a while back and the intent was to be sober minded. Maybe I am misremembering or confusing with someone else. This is not sober minded. If it is too much to give, it is too much to lend is the maxim.

You could be a guarantor for a loan and then they will chase her instead of you doing it but you would have to accept she will default and they will get it out of you.

Is there a wife or girlfriend who might be distinctly unhappy with this? Not necessarily for the money but you are making your ex less of an ex if you lend her money. and the hackles might go up. As she is an ex than they get approval rights which is also helpful if you want to decline

You are possibly opening your self up for other people to stick their hands out in your social circle depending on circumstances

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

You are correct, I'm the guy of the inheritance and I do think she reached out because she somehow heard about it.

She's asking 3000€, which is not exactly pocket money. I'm on the fence whenever to give it or not - my wife said to make the decision myself.

I don't want to set a precedent - I know her, she's trustworthy, but if I loan the money to her I'll make it clear it's a one-time thing.

[GreatBigCircles]

What is she needing it for?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

@GreatBigCircles basically her rooftop caved in and it rains in her house

[RavVid]

I'm too generous myself. I might tell you to say no but I probably would end up doing it. As an Ex she feels entitled to ask and I think as an Ex she will feel entitled to defer paying back at some point.

If she doesn't pay it off how angry will that make you and does it matter if you cease to be friends?

Might there be others in the social that might seek loans? b

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I would and let me explain why,

He would never ever ask me for money, there’s no possibility. But he bought me the tickets to China when were broken up, because he knew at that time I was in a bad financial situation. All along, when he was in another city, trying to survive on his own, he and his family, always asked me if I needed any money to settle. I gave him the money of tickets, because we were no longer together and I didn’t want to be in debt.

If he asked money from me, I know there’s something wrong happening to him. And I hope he knows, I might never be in love with him again, I might never see him again, and I am fine with that, but if I know he needs help, I will be there to help.

That’s because I loved him and I loved him truly and I never betray my love, not even when it’s gone and dead. It still was my love. And I’d feel happy knowing he’s somewhere out there living a happy life.

I never forget people who loved me and who I loved. It doesn’t mean I still love him, nope. I don’t. But I care about his existence and I do hope he is okay.

[LaFemmeFatale_1]

I am sure he’d do the same for me. But I’d also never ever ask money from him.

[midnightmoon05]

It would be interesting to find out if you say yes with a 5% interest (or an agreement between you two)

If she truly needs that money and have the intention to return with interest…I would say that’s sincere.
if she says no to your terms…then she doesn’t need the money that badly.

if all goes well…she pays back with interest and diligently…I would forgive the rest she owns. (I understand this has to do with the change of your status…yiu had asked about the money your father inherited … many on this site responded that…you will be having lots of people coming to your door to ask for money.)

in this case with an ex…the answer would be no.

I also learned at a younger age…if I lend money (small amount) I don’t expect it back…so I generally don’t. Unless I trust them.

we are all responsible for our adult finances.
in our case we are planning to lend money to our little sister to buy some properties because the interest rate is 7%. We want her to have a good start with no mortgage and build wealth. We all signing an agreeing with terms of return.

[midnightmoon05]

Update… interesting….
That’s exactly how I learned my lesson…
I lend my friend some money… she didn’t return back… the next thing I learned…she was spending money on her owning going shopping buying nice clothes.
Since then, I learned to not lead money.

You made a smart decision.

[OlderAndWiser]

I would very strongly advise that you consult your wife regarding this request. Your intentions are subject to being misconstrued.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

Already did, she said to do what I think it's best.

[OlderAndWiser]

Does it benefit you in any way to make this loan? Why can't she borrow this money from someone else?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

She said she already got help from her father and doesn't want to ask him again as he lives on a pension.
My only benefit would be moral and knowing her she'd surely pay back, but I would make It clear it's a one-time thing - first, only and last time.

[OlderAndWiser]

It is also - potentially - an excuse to renew her contact with you.

[Belle1126]

Should be completely severed

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I doubt that honestly, but it could be a slim possibility.

[kylee2437]

No, I will pretty much never lend money unless I know for a fact that , that person can pay it back and in most case scenario, a person in need of money lent is because they do not have the means to be able to pay it back

[Pinay_ako]

Hell no. I don’t lend money to anyone unless it’s my parents. Which I don’t even lend, I give to them without any conditions and no repayment. Sorry not sorry

[GreatBigCircles]

I'll lend or otherwise give support to the people I trust and care about. If I had an Ex whom I broke up with on good terms (such as just agreeing that either the chemistry or other stuff wasn't working out), I'd be fine helping out now and then.

If you have someone else you're dating, you should talk with them about it too. Simply being upfront about it not being a romantic thing from the go saves them the worry its something else.

Lastly, make sure you are financially able to give them help. It can be easy to open your pockets for a friend in good faith who'll pay you back, and then struggle in the short term because it puts you on a shoestring budget.

[JustinTheGreat]

Absolutely not. I wouldn’t lend money to anyone from my past. Whether it was an ex, an old friend, or even a family member that I haven’t seen in years. I don’t care.

I think it’s so fucking strange to hit people up out of the blue, asking for money. The NERVE.
You could be dying, I don’t care. ask someone else LMAOOO. make a damn Go Fund Me or something.

I would help someone who was actually in my life in a heartbeat. But I couldn’t care less to help people that I haven’t spoken to in ages.

[Anonymous]

I'd approach it as a gift--not a loan. In other words, only "lend" her the money if you're comfortable with it never being paid back. If you can't afford that, then don't do it.

Also, I'd generally make it a rule to only do this with friends. Not sure why I'd lend money to an ex unless she was an important part of my life.

[Opinion Owner]

@update! lol! Well of COURSE dude! HER money is for luxuries to treat herself! She needs pathetic simps to pay for her basic neccesities!

How good was the sex with her when you were going out, by the way?

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

It was good, but not something that'd make me cough out 3k.

[Opinion Owner]

Hahahaha! Nice!

[BCRanger10]

I did once, about ten years ago. She and her husband had some unexpected situations of some sort come up. She just asked for maybe $200 for gas and groceries.

And that just came up in casual conversation over Facebook (she was in a different state). She didn't just message me out of the blue saying "hey, I need money".

[Losalt]

Well, I've both borrowed and given money to my ex.
It's up to some thousand dollars now.
She's struggling and I intend to help her till she and her boyfriend are back on her feet, even if it makes my own economy a bit shaky.
I expect her to do the same for me (and she has helped me a couple of times when I've struggled)

[Fabiana1]

no. Everyone is an independent person, we belong to ourselves first, we have thoughts, we have personality, rather than giving all of us to each other. We can have reservations, such as the privacy you don't want to say, and those who have secrets are mature, aren't they? Sometimes it's better not to say it.

[exitseven]

No, I would not trust her to pay you back and you will look like a dick when you have to take her to court.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

When I lend money and they don't get paid back, I don't take people to court, I use collectors.

[exitseven]

Do they have baseball bats,

[DextroShade]

Don't do it, she likely won't pay you back. If she isn't currently putting out for you on a regular basis you should not give her your time or resources because that is simping.

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

I could always send a collector if she doesn't pay back, first time it's a polite guy, second time it's a not-so-nice one. That's how it works here.

[Fabiana1]

no. Everyone is an independent person, we belong to ourselves first, we have thoughts, we have personality, rather than giving all of us to each other. We can have reservations, such as the privacy you don't want to say, and those who have secrets are mature, aren't they? Sometimes it's better not to say it.

[Drumlin2001]

Probably not. I'd think it weird since I haven't spoken to ex in over 5 years, and last thing she said to me was she hated me. If she crawled out asking for help i doubt I'd be too receptive. Especially as i have 2 young kids now and with cost of living crisis it's not easy

[Anonymous]

no. especially when times are tough already with this inflation and economy. absolutely not. don't expect to get that money back if you decide to give it to her. imagine flushing money down the toilet. that's essentially what you're doing. let her figure it out on her own.

[mommymommymommy]

If you're still in contact with an ex, that's not ok

[Sun_Kim-Ai]

It's not an issue for me.

[mommymommymommy]

Not cool bro

[JesseP1nk]

Depends who dumped who. If she dumped me over new boyfriend - then ask your current boyfriend that money, it is his job to take care of a girlfriend. If he can't... well she bet on his future over me. Now enjoy :)

[molonski2]

Sunstancial? Id be super reluctant to do that , in this circumstance.

[molonski2]

After reading the update , I go by my first answer and say thank god you didn't pay , with due respect what a manipulating , self centred , bitch.

[EmmaMary]

Neither A Lender Or Borrower Be.

[NathanDavis]

yes, no problem...

an ex of mine, did invest in my current business

[Agape93]

Depends on the ex, but I never lend it. I'd give it to them.

[elizamichale1]

If he was in a really really bad spot then i would

[Sour-rose]

Nah. Just because give money to anyone to me, is like giving them my number... my perfume... my whole identity. they'll know who to come to for money and they won't fk off.

[lightbulb27]

you are not a bank are you?

and how much do you trust this person?

And is this a secured loan? secured against what?

In general, no...

[DermalPunch]

Only one. For all the others... I don't keep in touch with exes so none of them would ask me because they a don't really have a way of contacting me and b) don't know me anymore.

[Jamie05rhs]

Of course not lol. I wouldn't even lend money to a current girlfriend. So there's no chance in hell I'd lend money to an ex!

[Meropatrick]

Do u respect this person and think they r worth the help.

2nd question do you think they will return it

3rd question can you accept them not returning it. Because many times people won't and thats a possibility

[Billlewis]

I've often bought gifts for my ex girlfriend's new boyfriends, so loaning her money wouldn't be a big deal.

[Reem12345reem]

depends if they were toxic then no , but if our rtlp ended on good terms or bc we didn't feel the spark or there wasn't a lot of chemistry between us then yes

[AlexEfron]

Depends on the person. If my ex were to ask me for monetary help, I definitely would. She's probably the most wonderful person I've ever known. Even though things didn't work out, I know she won't wrong me

[slatyb]

Do not unless you are willing to just give it to them. If they had any credit they wouldn't be coming to you.

[Simslover92]

Maybe. Depends on how much and if we're on great terms.

[Davidbrooks]

Tell her you will give her the money $100 a screw.

[ShellyB]

Probably not but maybe if I thought their life really depended on it.

[BoopBoopBeep]

I loaned 20k to my ex, but there was a notarized contract involved.

[Jonnyanalog]

Um…. no I’d not lend her money. Just because she said she’d pay you back doesn’t mean she will. You’re being used. Don’t fall in the trap.

[strateguy632]

certainly not, i won't see her to get the debt

[ProbablyClueless]

Nah. Lending money to anyone you know personally is a great way to destroy the relationship you have with that person.

[Fireguy17]

tough call.
I think it would depend on which ex, how much, and if I was prepared to never see that money ever again.

[AnusNdaPainus]

I had the mother of my ex call me to help bail my ex girlfriend out of jail

I guess she didn’t tell her mother that I broke up with her 🤣✌️

[AɴᴋᴀʀᴀBᴇʏᴇғᴇɴᴅɪꜱɪ]

Frankly, I will not give it to my ex-girlfriend so that I can lend money.

[XXblack88]

I wouldn't unless me and the ex-had kids together.

[mattclark242]

No but have have bad luck give people money.

[DJB72]

One of them, yes. The other two it would depend on what for

[humanearth]

No, because I know I would never get it back

[CreatingWonders]

No, I wouldn't spit on her if she was on fire. I also don't lend people anything as I know I wouldn't get it back.

[LiamJHayden]

No. I do not lend money, period. If a friend is in need I will give that person money not expecting a payback.

[JasonCruz]

If she needed I would coz I always helped Begger. Lol

[serafin]

no way. I stop lending money to people in general anyway

[OddBeMe]

Nah. No family or friends. You’ll either never see the money again or lose the friend. If a situation does pop up, treat it like a gift.

[msc545]

I don't lend money to anyone and certainly not to an ex who is already proven to be less than I expected to begin with.

[JCT666]

Absolutely not. She can go borrow from somewhere else.

[Shamalien]

This sounds like a bad idea…but I suppose it depends on the ex

[Avicenna]

No way

[CuriousMufuxka]

We don't talk. When it's over.. It's truly over!

[noohair]

Do NOT give anything that you could not afford to lose if you got nothing back.

[Emmy87]

No , I’m not. According to me all connections should be cut out with an ex

[Nikki1989]

Yeah, it is only money.

[D_Bone_Steak]

I wouldn't even talk to an ex.

[NotInterestedSorry]

Absolutely not. No way in hell.

[Anonymous]

No. I mean anyone that even thinks to ask an ex for money is deluded wtf

[DeeDeeDeVour]

No, I wouldn't.