My ex wants to be friends but I feel like I can't. How do I go about this?

[JT017]

I (M35) had recently had a mutual breakup with my ex (F33) of 16 years back in early March. We have a daughter together. We didn't fight or and everything was pretty amicable. Of course I started going through the emotions of ending a relationship. We were our first everything and spent all of our 20's together.

Now, I told her that I wanted to move out of the apartment because I wanted something closer to work. She said fine. This is when things start to get complicated. About a week and a half post break up she tells me that she's already dating someone from work. This hurts of course and makes me rethink her suggestion about staying friends (sometimes she says best friends).

So she couldn't wait until I moved out to start dating. She explains that she felt lonely in our at the end of our relationship and somehow that justifies her moving on so fast. I explained to her as to why I withdrew emotionally (money, stress, her occasional accusations of cheating) and at the time she understood.

I caught her making out with the guy last week when they blocked me off at the driveway when I was trying to go to work. She claims that she forgot I worked that early. This was the final nail in the coffin. I really want nothing to do with her now but because we have a daughter I just can't contact 100%.

How do I make it clear to her that my contact with her is just our daughter's business and nothing that has to do with friends? And how do I do it without causing drama?

Updates

22 d

She's a female of 33 years old. I don't know why they made an emoji.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man that's rough dude. After being with someone for that long, it's gotta be real hard to see them moving on so quick. I can understand why you'd want space from her.

My advice would be to keep things civil for your daughter's sake, but very low contact otherwise. Make it clear you just want to coordinate things regarding parenting schedules and your kid. I wouldn't threaten her or anything, just be honest that seeing her with the new guy is too painful right now.

When you do have to talk, keep it short and only about the kid stuff. Try texting more so there's a record, and don't get roped into friendly chats. If she brings up staying friends, just politely but firmly say you need more time and space to process things before that's possible. Hopefully she'll get the message.

Give it time - eventually the new relationship excitement on her end might fade and she'll realize how much it hurts to see her moving on. But for now, stay strong and do what you need to heal. Your daughter will understand that sometimes parents live apart. Good luck man!

[JT017]

Thank you. This is the best advice I've gotten so far. As for now, I've been doing this. It's been hard because she really seems to be having fun with this new guy. She doesn't seem to understand the long-term problems to dating your co-workers, especially when she's fresh in that job (she started working there in February). And this dude really does not know what he's got himself into.

I understand her wanting to become friends at the beginning of the breakup because we actually know each other pretty well and we do get along. But after this happening she threw any chance of it happening into the garbage. Thank you again.

[Oliverlogan263]

No problem man, glad I could provide some perspective that's helping. These situations are always messy emotionally.

I hear you - it's got to rub salt in the wounds seeing her move on so fast, especially with a coworker. Like come on, can't she see how inappropriate and potentially dramatic that is? Not your problem anymore though.

And believe me, that dude has no idea what he's in for long term trying to navigate a relationship with your ex AND be her coworker. That won't end well. Serves him right for jumping into her so quickly without thinking it through.

I'm sure part of her wanted to stay friends for comfort/familiarity at first too. But you're right, making out with the new guy in front of you like that showed she doesn't respect boundaries at all. No coming back from that disrespect, as much as it may have been nice in theory.

The newness will wear off for her eventually too when reality sets back in. But you can't worry about that - just focus on you and your daughter. Stay strong with enforcing your space - she'll get used to the co-parenting-only contact soon enough. You're doing the right thing man.

[melnc]

You don't have to avoid drama... simply that girl is actually someone who loves extra drama. Be clear to her about your priority. I don't think she'll be able to raise a child on her own. Even her new boyfriend won't settle for an extra package, trust me. If you can raise a child on your own, do so.

[jahaims]

Never stay in contact with an ex

[In_Trance]

Block her