My ex has moved on but still wants me in his life? But I can't be his friend.

Question

My ex broke up with me about 3 months ago because he didn't have the same feelings any more and was unhappy in our relationship. I was told that I was an awesome person, that he would likely kick himself and that he still wanted me in his life. I was really nice about it and didn't give him issues, saying I agreed that it wasn't working. I made the mistake of texting about a month later telling him I missed him whenever I saw him and I needed him to tell me his feelings for me were gone and there was no chance of us being together. He replied by saying he couldn't tell me that because he still had feelings for me and did miss our relationship, but that he was seeing someone at the moment. I respected that and told him it was enough to let it go. Found out a week later he was dating a girl he worked with who he was seeing before we met and he had constantly been in contact with and went for drinks and movies with while we were dating,(I had spoken to him about how uncomfortable it made me). I (probably wrongly) texted him to say "I told you so". He called to say that it had only started after we broke up and that when he was with me, I was the most important thing to him. I said I was just amused that I knew, before he did, how he felt about her and that I really was glad that he was happy. We have not had contact since, until last week when he texted me about something he saw on Facebook (coincidentally, 10 minutes after I had made a comment on Facebook about how nostalgic I was feeling) and has been texting and sending messages on Facebook daily since. I deleted him from my Facebook yesterday after seeing photos of him with his new girlfriend and realising I wasn't completely ok with it. Today I got a text saying how upset he was that he was deleted, that he wanted to see me and asking if I would be free to do something soon? I understand that he wants to be friend but I honestly just want to get over him, and being in contact with him is stopping me from doing so. He knows that I still have feelings for him. Why does he keep giving me hope and keeping in contact? And how do I tell him that I can't be his friend and as much as I want to see him, it's not good for me, without sounding mean and selfish?

confusedlikethemall · Accepted Answer

Sometimes you have to be selfish in situations as tough as this one. For girls especially, I find keeping an ex as a friend is extremely difficult. We make our lovers our friends, whereas guys feel a friendship should still be maintained even if the sexual relationship is over. This situation with your ex sounds like a classic case of someone trying to have their cake and eat it to. He made the decision to move on and so should you. Furthermore, if you feel he disrespected your trust by getting invloved with this girl while you were still together then I think you should understand that you are not his number one priority and you will only get hurt by keeping him as a friend. It will be a constant tease that will ultimately end in heartbreak if you continue to obssess about continuing a friendship. You should move on, and you can't do that by being weighed down by the past. Its harsh but its very true. I am actually going through the exact same thing as well. I find I constantly check his Facebook and wait for him to contact me, only to get let down over and over again by the fact that he just wants to be friends.

Tell him that he was a very important part of your life but your ready to move on. Keep it clean and short. The longer your explaination the harder it will be to distance yourself from him. He doesn't need to know every emotion you feel and all the thoughts your thinking. Keep that for yourself and move on. Be strong girlie!

greeneyedgal · Accepted Answer

He still cares for you so by him maintaining a friendship, he is still connected to you in some way. I understand your stance and agree that ceasing contact is the best option so you can heal and move on. I think you need to be honest but nice about it when you contact him. You might want to consider, "I know that maintaining a friendship is important to you. But, I have to be honest that it's not something I can offer. I need to focus on healing and moving forward with my life. I am sure that you want me to be happy so this is what I need to do. I hope you will understand and respect my decision. I only wish you the best." I am not saying you have to use this exact verbiage but something along these lines. Your focus is you now and that's not selfish, it's NECESSARY.

Best of luck.

Alitl_carcrazi_girl · Accepted Answer

OMG, he sounds like my exboyfriend, only I was the girl he was going to the movies with and dates that was completely unaware of that other girl until six months after we were dating. As long as you're there for him, he'll be there for you. So, if what you want is for him to go away you know exactly what to do... Ignore him, he wants to keep you there incase it doesn't work with the other girl, so settle for no closure and move on... there's some guy out there that won't treat the way he does... you deserve better! Good luck!

Julian · Accepted Answer

I think you can honestly tell him something like this:

"I do still have feelings for you and so not being with you, and also knowing you are with someone else, is more than I want to handle. It doesn't lead me to feel good about myself, and I want to feel good, and not be missing you. I need to get over you. For me to do that, I'm going to need time--and I don't know how much. And during that time I am requesting that you respect me and my emotions by not contacting me in any way. I do have periods of vulnerability, of feeling like I want contact. And while it is for me to control my own behavior here, I can and am asking you to respect me by not initiating contact with me in any way. Can you respect that wish?"

I hope it works out, however you choose to handle it. I can tell this is a very tough situation for you to be in and I feel his behavior, intentionally or not, is manipulative and that he's playing mind games with you, at the expense of your well-being. I'm not saying he's doing it on purpose, but he's doing it nonetheless.

Take care of you. You're the only person whose job it is to do that 24/7/365.

DrJones · Accepted Answer

Sounds like he's trying to date whatsherface, wants to keep you around for when it doesn't work out, and is lying about it. That's why he's still stringing you along, giving you just enough attention to not forget about him. That's also why he got p*ssy when you deleted him from Facebook - it looks like you're getting over him, which upsets his little plan. (An ex-gf did the same thing to me. I deleted her, she got p*ssy, and now I don't talk to her at all. Fuck that sh*t!)

Even if I'm wrong, he started seeing someone while he was still dating you. Sorry to bear bad news, but it seems pretty clear that he's not boyfriend material. He's upset that you deleted him from a social networking site, but it's not a problem that he left you for someone else? Lame.

On the bright side, it sounds like you're holding yourself together quite well emotionally and mentally, especially considering the circumstances. I'd bet money that you'll get over him relatively quickly. Also, it might be right away or might take a long time... but when you find a less douchebag-y guy, he'll think you're a catch :)

Tamikaze · Answer

I hope you do stick to you plan to move on.  He was a jerk for dating you and seeing this other girl at the same time and it is really uncool how he has kept you on the hook all the time he has been with her.  He is not an honest person to pretend like he did not know what he was doing with that other girl and he is a turkey for playing with your heart like this.  Trust me, this is the best he will have to offer if you got back together.  Wait for a guy who thinks you are amazing, not one who took you for granted.

Reeses-pieces777 · Answer

just tell him that you want space and that it's best for the both of you to just have your own time to yourselves.

honestly , I totally agree with you. this guy sounds like he's not considering your feelings.

that happened to me by accident once not the same way. one of my friends pulled up a photo of one of my ex boyfriends and he was with a new girl. this guy never treated me well, he never bought me anything, he was a total jerk and then seeing him with another girl all smiling like he never did anything wrong made me sick to my stomach or cry actually. I did cry. I think it's normal to distance yourself.

You don't even need to tell them "hey we can't be friends". I just didn't talk to him for a long long time ever since break up and it's been like that since. I just avoid the guy, makes things so much simpler. It's not selfish at all. I call it self respect and moving on. who cares what this guy thinks.

Nyx_85 · Answer

The other girls who answered are totally right. You need to take time for yourself to heal right now. It's not selfish, it is what is needed. And if anything he is the selfish one. Whether or not his relationhip with his new girlfriend started after yours that doesn't matter. He probably was attracted to her before then. Seems to me like perhaps he wanted to try things out with her, yet wants to keep you around just in case. Or he just likes the ego boost of having two women wanting him. He is being incredibly self centered. If he cares for you the least he can do is let you go so you can get over him. And if all he wants to do is be your friend (which I doubt if he's admitted he still has feelings for you) the fact is, he is still only thinking about himself. There is always the future to become friends if that suits you. But right now your healing is the most important thing, not feeding his ego.

ehren · Answer

Ex-relationship friendships are some of the most difficult kinds of relationships. They can cause a lot of trust issues as well with his girl or your man. It only makes it more difficult with either side still holding on. The hardest part is breaking off contact with that person when you know they still have feelings for you and you still have feelings for him. I don't think you did the right thing by deleting him from your Facebook after seeing the photos. With what he failed to realize is you seeing them hurt you. From what it sounds, he is keeping you as a fall back if this new venture doesn't work out. You are a better person than that and deserve someone better! :) Just don't contact him and ignore him. Delete all contact info from him so you won't be tempted. He will go away eventually. :)

crk88 · Answer

You're totally right, being in contact will only make it impossible for you to move on. You will not sound rude or selfish at all. All you need to say is that, he made a decision when he broke up with you that he didn't want to have a relationship and because you respected that, he needs to repect that you need to cut off all contact in order to move on with your life, and that you'll contact him when you have fully moved on and that you can be friends then.

Tamikaze · Answer

I don't know why he is doing it, but it isn't cool.  He is totally keeping you on the hook for his own needs while ignoring how crummy he is being to you.  You need to cut him off unless you want to continue to receive this treatment from him.  Personally I think he is keeping you on the hook to stroke his ego or to hedge bets that this girl won't work out so he will have someone to fall back on, though he would never treat you well even then.

joeyc_123 · Answer

Actually this sounds like he doesn't entirely know how he feels. If you meet up with him treat it like a first date if you want him back, flirt a little, have fun, enjoy each others company.

Otherwise just leave it, say you'll be friends but cut contact with him. You maybe just need some time to adjust to this.

HRGuy275 · Answer

I don't blame you at all for not being able to be his friend.  I believe that he hasn't thought about how much you were hurt when he ended things.  He needs to understand that you need your time away, including any type of contact, so that you can get over him.  You probably still care a lot about him but you have to do what's best for you, even if it comes across as mean (although it isn't).   Hopefully he'll be able to see it from  you point of view.

Anonymous · Answer

stop worrying about pleasing someone else and being "mean" and do what's best for you. girl you can say anything in the world if its the right thing for your sanity. as long as your not like "hell no bitch ass muthafukka I cannot be friends wit yo ugly azz" I don't see how you're being mean. put yourself first because nobody else is going to. clearly he's not so you have to. don't let anybody play you, you're in control of yourself.

sweetnsassy23 · Answer

MOVE ON!Don't give him the benefit of having his cake and eat it too!That way when the relationship crumbles with the other chick he won't have you to cry on your shoulder.Just leave him be and let him realize his mistake and wallow in his own pity.

DixieSweety143 · Answer

YES! I am so glad you have the mentality you do! Don't even let him in your life right now, keep in touch later, is my advice, if that's even necessary after you have moved on. He made a mistake, he knows it, you know it, so like Reba says, "CONSIDER ME GONE" hehe

DoctorSex · Answer

ayyyy I fink my colleague drjones hit the issue rite on the head...no need 4 this doctor :(

JASONWIZER · Answer

u can't go from lovers to friends.  but you can go from friends to lovers ! so let him go for good.

lielielu · Answer

Well said.. I needed to hear this too as im in a similar situation myself.. totally sucks!

belll · Answer

i've been in your shoes only just reasently. if you need to change number. no contact is the best thing to do to get over some one, it makes it easier to move on. you need to do it for you.

TALYIA · Answer

men are ass holes they wanna have there cake and eat it to I say tell him to kiss your ass

Anonymous · Answer

Don't be his friend move on.

My ex has moved on but still wants me in his life? But I can't be his friend.

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