How do I move on, and what do I do?

[Ice_knight]

Just a brief history of things. I have some very bad abandonment trauma that I didn't really know existed until this relationship. It is my first, and it's been a doosy. I think I know what's best, but it just hurts very badly. This woman has been hurtful and not always faithful. I just need some help because my trauma is horrid. Multiple months ago she told me she didn't really have feelings but she was still here. I tried my darnedest to show her what she meant to me. Flowers, lots of love, and everything. We were going to go to her grandpa's. She told me she didn't want me coming because she needed to think about us, ok cool np. Turns out she was also going to see this dude. However, couldn't go through with it and decided she wanted us. However, she continued with the lie even after I confronted her. Unfortunately, buried those feelings and tried my best at work. Things were ok to decent. My job made me super stressed and depressed and we weren't that intimate thanks to unresolved feelings. I lose my job, girlfriend expresses how much she loves me and feels unwanted. I get it all and understand. Tell her I need some time to actually address my feelings and stuff. Communicate everything with her all along the way. Month goes by. Realize I can forgive her and don't want to lose everything. I open up to her, and didn't really know how to go about things. Kept trying to open up a conversation about us. Plus wanting to go to therapy together but still had a lot to unpack, have been numb for some time. Entire time she was like no everything is ok don't worry. Even when I tell her I feel alone and lonely that I miss her. She'd just say I'm sorry and tell me things were ok. Finally today after a trip we came home and she took a nap. After the nap I sat her down and started talking to her and about how I feel. She promptly broke up with me. Like wtf? I get things weren't the best but damn. I've been very patient with her before. I communicated everything.

Updates

11 mo

I've done my best to communicate but she's hasn't said a thing to me. Like at no point did she communicate. She just dropped this on me out of nowhere. She's probably right and it is best to end things. It's been a hell of a ride and I've always been the one on the losing end. Been hurt so many times by this woman. Yet I just don't want to lose her and I'm afraid of being alone. Right now I have no job and nowhere to go.

[Oliverlogan263]

Man, that's really rough. It sounds like you tried so hard to make it work and communicate openly, but she just wasn't meeting you halfway at all. That level of uncertainty and lack of trust from all her lies in the past really did a number on you, understandably so.

My advice would be to stay elsewhere for now, like crashing with a friend if you can, just to get some physical space while you process things. Don't try to convince her or change her mind - she's shown who she is repeatedly by not being honest, so believe her actions over her words now.

Focus on you for a bit. Work on addressing your trauma through therapy if possible. Spend time with good friends who are supportive and help build you up. Get active - sports, hiking, gym, anything to release endorphins naturally. Journaling your feelings can help too.

In time, when you're in a better headspace, you'll see her flaws more clearly and understand why this wasn't ever going to work long run. For now it'll still sting like hell, but it WILL pass eventually. Stay positive as you can - you have so much ahead still to look forward to once you're past this bump. Hang in there and feel free to message me anytime if you want someone to listen or vent to who isn't close to the situation. You've got this!

[Ice_knight]

Appreciate that. I'm trying to get my medical card right now so I can continue doing therapy. Currently going to my dad's place who lives two hours away. We both are pretty tore up about things. Both of our childhoods have been pretty bad. We both know we have to work on ourselves and fix us. We tried to do it together but it just never worked. May not be the healthiest headspace but right now to get me through I'm just thinking if it was truly meant to be it will be somewhere down the road. Helps me focus on what I need to do, which is work on me, and do exactly what you've said. Going to start hiking again very soon. It hurts like hell but it's for the best. I'm hopeful that either we will reconnect or I'll realize a lot and lose that attachment. I'm honestly ok with either but for now I'm just harping the if it's meant to be.

[Oliverlogan263]

Dude, it sounds like you've got a good perspective on this whole crappy situation. Focusing on yourself and your healing is absolutely the right move right now. Hiking is an awesome outlet too - being out in nature does wonders for the mind and soul.

I totally feel you on the "if it's meant to be" mentality too. Sometimes relationships just aren't meant to work out at a certain time, for whatever reasons. But it doesn't mean those feelings ever fully go away either.

All you can do is keep growing and working on YOU. That way if you guys cross paths down the line, you'll both be in healthier headspaces and maybe it could work. Or maybe something even better will come along too.

Just take it one day at a time for now man. Lean on your dad and friends. Let yourself feel the emotions as they come, but don't dwell in that pain. You've got this - you're tough as hell for all you've already overcome. Stay strong bro, I'm rootin' for ya!

[provokeesmokee]

Sorry to say, my friend, but this woman wasn't truthful with you. Not about her cheating, not about her feelings.

Get yourself into individual therapy. An expert hand to guide you will help. Make sure you take the time to call around and find a therapist who truly works with you. It's worth that time, and so are you.

For right now, just rest. Reconnect to yourself. Try to reignite your spark and indulge in things that distract you or make you happy.

Drink water, and make sure you get outside every day for some fresh air and sunlight.

If you feel up to reading. Check out Polysecure. It isn't just about polyamory - the first part of the book focuses on attachment styles, their origins in childhood, and their effects in your adulthood.

It's been helpful to me, ans I think it might help you, too.

[Ice_knight]

I think she has a lot of growing and figuring herself out to do. Don't mean that in a bad way. Just that a healthy person doesn't treat people the way she has me. Again, I'm not trying to be spiteful or say she's crazy or anything like that. Think we both having crappy childhoods have affected us in different ways and both negatively. I just hope she figures it out. in my opinion she's losing and making another mistake. Not saying I should go back or she should stay. Like you said I don't think she's ever been fully truthful with things. Either that or she's jumping to things once again. Either way I don't need to be wrapped up in it again. She's made her choices, even knowing the damage it would do. It's on her. I've done all that I could for us.

[Ice_knight]

In fact, I've done a lot more than most would do or that I honestly should have done.

[provokeesmokee]

You're absolutely right. You have done enough, and it is time for you to move on and heal. Not just from her, but from your childhood as well.

[prettygurlrock]

Sending you peace, I thinking her breaking up was the best thing for you (hear me out). You obviously with someone who doesn’t love you or care for you after you are trying multiple things and it’s still not working.. they can take a troll on you mentally.

No lie, it is going to hurt we are human and we all have feelings. Kudos to you for trying your best and doing everything you could possible do but sometimes that’s not enough for them because that’s not your person. HEAL!!!

Cry if you need to ( Drake pun) , heal, get a new haircut, go to the gym! The gym was my best friend put that sad energy into making yourself happy and finding yourself again. Trust me you going to meet someone who loves what you do for me and how you love them as a person.

you may not see it now but I promise you it doesn’t rain forever. You got this

[Ice_knight]

I think she has a lot of growing and figuring herself out to do. Don't mean that in a bad way. Just that a healthy person doesn't treat people the way she has me. Again, I'm not trying to be spiteful or say she's crazy or anything like that. Think we both having crappy childhoods have affected us in different ways and both negatively. I just hope she figures it out. in my opinion she's just losing out and again in my opinion making another mistake.

[prettygurlrock]

Definitely but if she wants to grow, that’s something she has to decide. No matter how much you want her grow if she’s not doing it for herself it’s not going to matter.
Focus on you, pick up hobbies and get your mind off of it, of course it’s going to hurt but I highly recommend you put that energy into working out

[Ice_knight]

Oh, for sure. I've already asked her to, and she hasn't really. She just recently got back to therapy after I practically begged her to. I tried my best for us.