My boyfriend cheated on me emotionally with his ex. I’m giving him another chance but how can I move on from this?

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend have been secretly talking with his ex behind my back. It started out with just work (which I was fully aware of) but then it evolved into an emotional affair. They call each other baby, say I love yous, send selfies of each other (no nudes or anything sexual though). boyfriend showed me the text messages, they’ve met up twice for lunch but no traces of anything sexual. He also said there was no physical contact other than a good bye hug. The affair has been going on for a month ish, which I feel if it continued on further it might develop into a sexual relationship as well.

My boyfriend and I spent hours talking calmly about this and have decided to work on this together. It hurts… but I appreciated my bf’s openness and honesty when confronted and his genuine willingness to make this work so I’m willing to give him a chance (🤡 I know). I want to give myself time to heal and I’m open to walking away if I can’t handle it but in the meantime, what can I do to heal from this? Those who have been cheated on, how did you find the strength to forgive and move on? Please help…

[Crimsyjo]

I don't know if giving him another chance is a good idea. I think you are subconsciously projecting yourself onto him. You cheated once. You felt bad. You changed. I get you want to give him another chance like how you got another chance but he isn't you. Do you know reason you cheated all those years ago? Cos if he says everything is good in your relationship and nothing made him clear that's really bad. I mean. If you had been busy working or going through something and he had felt pushed out or something then yeah maybe you could agree to both fix things. But you can't fix if it ain't broke. But it's also not right if he is so drawn to his ex. The meeting for lunch and talking isn't so bad but the saying "I love you" ... that's unforgivable.

If you truly wanna give him another chance then HE is the one who should be thinking how can he make it up to you? How can he prove he wants only you? You have a right to be mad. You have a right to not trust him for a while until he makes it up to you. He doesn't get to be upset if you want to check his phone, check on him, not allow him "lunch" with his ex. Heck if he hasn't sworn to never see or talk to her again he isn't serious about making it up to you.

Honestly... I know you don't want to walk away wondering what if? What if u gave him a 2nd chance. So if u r gonna do it then do it. But your not the one who should be playing peacekeeper and perfect girlfriend here.

If he has issue with anything I said he is not worth your time (no matter how nicely he said it, if he wants you to brush this under the carpet and "be back to normal" then say F off to him).

[Asker]

This means a lot to me thank you for saying and explaining all that to me. Hits close to home… Back with my ex I cheated bcs we were long distance and he refused to visit me (it was always me who came to visit) or even talk to me on the phone, I felt alone, we talked it out and went on to date another 4 years tho.

With my boyfriend, he said he has unfinished business with his ex. They have 2 dogs together, she gets custody of them both (he is extremely close to the dogs, they were there for him when he was at his lowest). My boyfriend started talking to his ex to get updates on the dogs but it snowballed.

He said he’s willing to stop seeing his dogs for me and cut all ties with his ex. Idk… he also said he was willing to stop doing projects with his ex but they did end up meeting for work a while back (that’s how they got talking about the dogs again). I think I’m gonna set myself a time limit, if by x time I’m still hurting and can’t see any improvements from him then I’m bailing.

I don’t want to feel like I’m his second option when we’ve been together for 3 years… I don’t understand why he can’t seem to let go of his ex :(

[Crimsyjo]

Thank you. I know its tough. Its so much easier to say things from this side (the one not going through what you going through). It's easy to say hell no and dump him when you are not the one with emotions involved. I been chasing my ex and trying to talk ot out and fix things and crying for past two weeks. And he done me wrong! (Stole money from me and one acting cold and distant). But I couldn't let go. Someone once said "grieve the potential". Its not the loss of a bad relationship that makes us hurt. It's the loss of what we know could have been. If they were not idiots haha.

If you want to look at it from another POV... if he is hurting and sad and not over his ex? Maybe he needs to be let go. Maybe he has that "what if?" Stuck in his head too! In his own way he too is grieving the lost "potential". Maybe it's not fair holding onto him? Maybe only by letting him go will you know if he truly wants you? Like an elastic band. See if it knocks sense into him and he comes running back. We shouldn't have to do all the chasing.

He has made you some promises tho. And as I'm too soft and give too many chances and am probably far too easily led by my emotions I get you too. So I think giving it a time limit and watching for changes is key. Don't ever be 2nd to your guy.

[Asker]

I can relate so much to you, I’m also a softie and tend to give people more chances than they deserve… I’m so sorry that your ex done you so dirty! You seem so loving and sweet and you deserve someone who can give that back to you tenfold.

In my case, I have considered moving on. But my boyfriend is adamant that this was a wake up call and he finally realized that being able to see his beloved dog and keeping in touch with his ex is not worth losing me over. I don't know if I’m just being too soft or dumb but I’m willing to give him a second chance. I specifically told him that even at the slightest hint that I feel 2nd then I’m out and he’s dead to me. Gotta put that feet down somehow

[Crimsyjo]

No that sounds good. I think you are doing the right thing. Giving him a chance puts your mind at ease and him saying he had a wake up call is good sign. And maybe in time it will make you stronger as a couple.

Ps (can u get a dog together?) Haha. Sorry. Couldn't resist!

[bobalife]

I am so sorry that is very heart breaking… I think you are so strong to be calm and willingly to forgive him. I know most will judge this but I believe it takes a lot to give someone another chance and forgive them while they will try to make it work. I believe the fact he was willingly to be open and honest was a good start that he does care and respect you. I know its not a famous opinion, but SOME people can change from cheating. I think you can figure out what will make you feel like you can rebuild the trust, make sure he loves only you and be loyal to you, and have real talks.. does he truly want and need you as his partner. Trauma bonding is one thing, but that’s literally 10% of the rest of the 90% you are giving him. Maybe talk to him about where he is truly at.. is he really happy in your relationship or is it guilt/safety …to make sure his intention is very clear and open? I think it will take a lot of effort and commitment from the both of you to be able to move forward. For sure we can never control what the other person would do, but we won’t know either… relationships and love is about taking that leap of faith and it can be scary.
I hope everything will work out rather you decided to stay with him or not ❤️

[Asker]

Thank you so much for the kind words and for being super understanding! I do feel like I’m the mature one in this relationship even though I’m the younger one and this whole fiasco has cemented the idea and it’s made me realize my self worth somehow. It hasn’t been a week but he has shown a lot of improvements especially in terms of communication and transparency so I really appreciate that. I just hope the improvements I’m seeing aren’t temporary…

[Anonymous]

The dynamics of what you two have have holes in a viable answer, like do you fight often? Are you feeling alone again? Are you projecting something you're also doing maybe wrong onto him? How did you even find out about this situation with his ex? Are you living together?

Right. So, he was in the wrong for not sharing to you he was talking to his ex. Your both in the wrong for going 4 years without still being able to communicate honestly about what is going on in your lives. His actions made you concerned of the/an affair, so you confronted him by accusing? Found out on social media? By snooping through his phone? Are you also hiding something? I can't say a solid answer, and sounds like the story is missing important data. I will say he felt guilty he got caught and realized he doesn't want to lose you. Looks like codependency too. Take a break, respectfully. Don't plan on dating again, but if you do be honest with him you met someone, and honest with the someone you're taking a break from your ex. Best case scenario: you get back together stronger, or you move on.

[Asker]

We don’t fight often. I’m very transparent on my end and I openly share with him if my ex contacted me etc, he said he was going to do the same (but he didn’t). We don’t live together either.

I realized that something was wrong when he started hiding things from me and getting defensive over simple questions like “how was your day?” “what are your plans for tomorrow?” Etc. He got mad and said I was trying to pry 🤷🏻‍♀️ (Apparently it was because he was going over to his ex’s house to see his dogs).

I found out through social media, his ex posted a photo of them out at lunch. So I took a screenshot and saved it. Then when I was hanging out at his place, his ex texted him (while we were watching something on his phone). So I confronted him and showed him the screenshot of him and his ex at lunch together. He caved and told me everything, even let me read through his messages with his ex. I wouldn’t have accused him without concrete proof. We talked it out for hours. Came to the conclusion that we want to work this out. Set some boundaries, new “ground rules” and expectations for each other. Overall we ended up feeling much closer to each other which I’m happy about but… I’m still left with the pain of having been betrayed by someone I trusted

[Opinion Owner]

1, been a few years and haven't moved in with each other. 2. You're at the point, if not well beyond marriage, even for most people. Looks like sex to me.

[Asker]

He showed me their texts and chats and it was mostly work or their dogs, and some lovey dovey stuff. His ex was also somewhat asexual. My boyfriend and I were already good friends when he was with his ex so he would talk about how little sex he was getting with her back then lol

[Opinion Owner]

No, I mean you. It's been years, and you two are still limbo. Looks just sexual between the both of you. No real commitment. Let's be real.

[Asker]

Ah yeah that makes sense. We’ve talked about marriage but I’m waiting until I’m closer to 30. I can’t move in with him bcs it’s illegal for unmarried couples to live together where I’m from. We’re very close to each other’s families though, and we’re also essentially each other’s best friends. We do have loads of sex but that’s bcs it’s the first time that we both can be open about our sexual fantasies with each other.

[Finchie40]

You shouldn’t give him another chance , he already proved his true colors to you , by you accepting him back, all he is going to do is put a band aid on things and make you feel like he was wrong and you were right , kiss you ass as much as he can until he feels you forgave him , once he feels that with you he will more than likely do it again to you in a matter of time. Never forgive someone for going behind your back , they chose to betray your trust and choose to do what he did behind your back , it wasn’t a mistake it was a choice. Realize in yourself that you deserve better than that shit , you will only be wasting your time thinking he truly values you and loves you. You are basically telling him it’s ok for him to do this to you by taking him back. Don’t do it , end it with him and tell him to Go fuck himself. Once you do? I guarantee he runs back to his ex.

[Asker]

I mean yeah I’m well aware of the risks, but I believe in giving people second chances. I got one back when I was young and dumb and I never made the same mistake twice. My boyfriend is usually a man of his words, he’s well respected among his peers and at work bcs of how reliable and trusted he is so I’m willing to chalk this up as a “moment of weakness”. If he decide to hurt me again in the future then I’ll take full responsibility of my decision

[coachTanthony]

He’s staying because he now feels guilty. You should always leave when this happens that’s what they want deep down because they are cowards to have not broken up before the cheating and now even more cowardly after the cheating.

[Asker]

He actually was okay if I wanted to leave and he’ll just back down from the relationship. But we talked it out and mutually agreed on giving this another chance

[coachTanthony]

He wants you to leave. Most people that cheat don't want to be there so what he is saying is GIRL I cheated on you and you still want me? Okay no problem I will have my cake and eat it too.

[Asker]

That makes sense… I think I’m still hurting and too emotional about this whole thing and I can’t make a rational decision just yet… might want to reconsider

[AviatorTom]

You already have moved on... by giving him another chance.

[Asker]

I’m just hoping for the best but mu expectations aren’t high, I’m open to the potential disappointment

[Haraklus]

This is a tough situation. If you really love him and he really loves you, it can work. People have become far too unforgiving these days. Giving him *one* chance at redemption reflects very well on your character. Just make sure you don't become an enabler if it happens again.

The truth of the matter is, no matter what you do in the short run, *time* is going to be critical in healing. You need to focus on emotional intimacy and he needs to demonstrate to you how much he loves you. Not with a singular grand gesture, but with day-in, day-out consistency.

[Asker]

I agree, it’s getting too easy for people to cut people out of their lives without even trying to understand where the other person is coming from.

Excellent advice! I do think the only way I can move on from this is by waiting it out, while at the same time I can observe his behavior and see if he has truly changed

[SugarSugarplum]

He apparently has to work with her. They have to be "on the same team" for work stuff. That said, he seems a little too connected for my taste. Maybe tell him that. Perhaps the three of you should sit down and answer the hard questions together.

Are you two over each other, or is this going to be a thing going forward? Or are you two just on hold while you gradually realize he/she was the one that got away, and your love for each other is ongoing?

These things deserve an answer if you're considering dedicating your heart to him. Perhaps the three of you can come up with some kind of plan that will alleviate your doubts and fears.

I hope you can work it out. It's a major plus that he was willing to share his interactions with her. He sounds like a good guy.

[Asker]

He has agreed to quit work altogether. He said he doesn’t want to do things half assed and has decided to leave. He has been working on starting his own business but was too comfortable in his old job still to fully commit to his new business but he said this was a major wake up call. He’s also willing to never be able to see his beloved dog (that he shares with his ex) ever again. I know how much he loves his dog and I don’t want him to stop seeing the doggo be he insisted on cutting all ties. I don't know, him being willing to make drastic changes like that kinda show me that he seems serious about cutting it off with his ex for good which is why I’m willing to give him a chance.

[prettygurlrock]

As someone who have been cheated on trust me they don’t change. That’s how every affair/cheating start. It’s emotional cheating which like you said can you end up being sexual or feelings will get involved more heavier as time progresses.

I hate to be one barrier of bad news, but he’s not going to stop talking to her, because y’all talked about it. He is only going to get sneakier and more hidden with it. That’s something he’s has to automatically want to do.

Now if y’all decide to fix things, communicate! You going to have to forgive him, like truly forgive bc sometimes we like to hold it over a guy head. It’s okay to take a break or a few steps back to figure out where y’all are at and how would you go on from there to heal.. Ex: we should take a break but I don’t want you talking to others until we figured us out.

hope this helps! Sending you love and peace :)

[Asker]

I cheated on my ex before when I was young and I definitely learned from my mistake, which is why I’m willing to give my boyfriend another chance bcs I have faith that he’s willing to change. I do realize that he might cheat again but if that happens then I’ll just walk away.

We talked from 7PM literally until 8AM non stop lol no sleep, we ended up opening and was very honest with each other. I actually felt closer to him but I’m still hurting a lot… I think I just need to give myself time while I wait for him to proof himself if he can do better or he’s just a pos lol Thank you so much for the advice, stay awesome!!

[Peridot25]

@Asker consider you being cheated on as your Karma. Now you know how your ex felt.

[avery58]

@asker did he at least confess or is he only sorry and blabbering on for hours because he got caught?

[Asker]

@Peridot25 I was cheated on in the past relationship with my ex (the one where I cheated). I forgave him and we went on to date 3 more years happily, broke up on good terms. I’ve never cheated again since. Maybe I should lol 🥲🤡

[Asker]

@avery58 he didn’t confess. I caught him and he answered all of my questions. Gave me his phone so that I can look through everything.

[RavVid]

Well he hasn't sexually cheated but I get your feelings. Overall you want to be the most important person in your partners life but there is this person who is more important it seems.

It has elements of both petty jealousy and a fundamental breach of what a relationship is, at the same time. So I can understand your difficulties in dealing with it.

I think it hinges on if the friendship with the ex is to continue. If it is not then your path is easier and you can choose to forgive with assurances.

If it does not end then the question s can you tolerate them being friends. It is certainly possible though difficult. Who dumped who? If you talked to the ex then you might find there is no real sexual attraction on her side. Or you might find there is.

I think it is best if you can do this. Discuss it amongst the three of you. Not easy but best.

[Asker]

You perfectly described what I’m feeling. At first I was okay with him being “friends” with his ex (as in professional coworkers) bcs I trusted that he could maintain a healthy boundary between them but no… Now that all of this has come to light, he has decided to leave work altogether and cut all ties with his ex even if means that he will never see his beloved dog ever again (they share 2 dogs together).

This gave me hope and as a result I’m willing to work this out with him again but I’m still left dealing with the pain of betrayal and it just hurts so much… I don’t even trust him anymore when he says “I love you” to me, I can’t say it back, at least not yet

[RavVid]

He is demonstrating his commitment to you in this case. At a cost. I think give it time.

[Asker]

That’s true, I think only time will tell. Thank you for your advice, much appreciated

[RavVid]

Happy too.

[Fireguy17]

for me I could never get past it when someone cheated on me.
Once you lose trust in someone, I just was never able to regain that, so I never gave them a second chance.
When I found my now (many years ago) ex-wife with the landlord, she asked what are you doing here, to which I replied I used to live here and walked out.
Now the vision of him backing into the closet and try to pull up his pants is kind of funny, but not so funny when it happened.
I suspected something, and it was kind of a relief to have it over with.

[Asker]

Yeah once it’s broken it’s never gonna be the same for sure… I’m glad you managed to move on from your ex wife though, I guess it’s also easier to “hate” them if you actually catch them red handed

[Fireguy17]

I really never did hate her, whatever we had was gone in an instant.
After I finished helping her move that was the last time I talked to her except for the divorce.
We didn't have much, so we did it without a lawyer.
Once that was done it was maybe 20 years before I ever talked to her again.
She called me out of the blue so I didn't even recognize her voice, she move to Oklahoma, so we talked a bit.
I would say we are friends, we wish each other happy birthday, Merry Christmas, but to this day she has never opologised for what she did.
I have no intrest in getting back together with her.
I guess in a way I still care, about the same as you would about anyone else.
She and the landlord never did end up together, he got divorced, she got married again, and divorced again, me I kind of had my second childhood, I had money, my looks a good job, freedom to come and go as I pleased.
Probably all of the stuff I should have done before I got married.
Life moves on with or without you, I'm glad I was able to put it behind me.

[Asker]

Wow I’m glad life turned out well for you in the end! Pretty sure you dodged a bullet there. It’s also so mature of you to not harbor any hate towards your ex wife, kudos to you!!

[rosemilk]

what was the good reason to even give him a second chance? you should be out of there! the only person he should have been saying those things to is YOU. which means the love for you transferred to his ex and is no longer with you. you cannot heal from this while he is still there. because every time you look at him will just be a reminder of what happened. i just don't know. it'll take awhile to move on if you're going to stay. but the memory and pain will likely remain there

[Asker]

That’s true… I’m fine when I’m alone but when I see his face all the pain just came rushing in again… I’m gonna step back for a bit to process this so that I can make my decision more rationally

[FreyaRed]

I have the feel, you will regret giving him another chance. Just kick him in his cheater butt strong enough he becomes supersonic. Personally I couldn't trust a person who betrayed me. Of course I could pretend many things for a while but by next acceptable opportunity I would end such pointless masquerade.

[Asker]

I might, but I’m hoping I won’t… I’m giving my self time to process this then I might end up with a different decision later on once I’m no longer so emotional

[Likes2drive]

Why did he bother leaving his ex if he spending so much time talking and hanging out with her? He’s not sexually cheating on you but seems like there’s a lot more there, I was cheated on by my ex-wife, but we didn’t stay together afterwards that’s why she’s my ex, I still talk to her sometimes but only because we have kids together

[Asker]

Because they work in the same industry (sometimes end up working together for a project) and they share 2 dogs together. I was okay at first bcs I thought he will be able to maintain proper boundaries with his ex but then he got carried away…

[Likes2drive]

Yeah sounds like he is getting too comfortable

[Asker]

That’s what he said as well, he got caught up in the web and nostalgia

[Staximus]

He's already had lunch with her and texting her all the time, he's probably having sex with her too. If not then he will be soon. By staying with him your basically saying he can cheat on you and you'll just be his doormat. It's over, he's still in love with her and not with you. Leave him now if you have any sense or self respect.

[Asker]

He showed me all of their texts and I can tell they’re not having sex bcs they only met up once for the lunch and the rest was just texting. I know I’m probably dumb for staying but I’m willing to give this one last chance, I’ll take responsibility if he ends up cheating again

[Staximus]

Just get rid of him already and be done with the stupid drama

[RedInnocent69]

Communication. He needs to be open and honest with you and not hide who he’s talking to. He also needs to know you’re there to support his emotional needs, vulnerability, and desire for intimacy. Talk it out, ask about it if you have to, explore it. It happened, normalize it, to help get past it.

[Asker]

Very good advice much appreciated. I have asked all that from him and he’s more than willing to cooperate so I have faith that this might work

[avery58]

Unfortunately I doubt you'll ever be to really trust him again, nor does he deserve it. You'd probably be better off breaking it off right now than waste years and realize you can't see him the same.

[Asker]

Yeah… I’m still emotional and hurting so I can’t think straight. I’ll need to process this and then make a decision once I can do it rationally

[Peridot25]

You’re absolutely dumb if you stay. He knows that he hurt you but doesn’t care. Yeah he was honest but that doesn’t mean he’s going to stop. It’s obvious he has feeling for his ex still. Let him go be with his ex since that’s who he wants to be with.

[Asker]

Yeah 🥲 you’re right…

[dustybiker2]

You are aware that emotional relationships are far more dangerous than physical ones, yes? You are being played.

[Asker]

That’s a valid point, my judgment was definitely clouded by my emotions

[DishLady]

No no no…. If he’s emotionally clocked out what makes you think he’s all in again? Don’t be stupid.

[Asker]

The thing is he wasn’t clocked out with me. We’re still cruising along like normal, having tons of sex and he’s actively getting to know my family more. Which is why I’m confused, he even said he doesn’t feel like anything’s missing in our relationship but his ex has something that he needs (shared trauma from the past)…

[LaurenM1997]

Just because he’s getting to know your family doesn’t mean he won’t cheat again and as for him saying there’s nothing missing in the relationship then why cheat? 🤦‍♀️

[Asker]

@LaurenM1997 that’s a valid point, thanks for bringing that up

[LaurenM1997]

I just don’t understand how people can cheat on their partner and then the other partner forgiving them like I wouldn’t be able to talk to them again or even be able to look at them without feeling disgust

[Asker]

@LaurenM1997 I don’t know either tbh… I think it’s mostly because the cheating was mostly just online and through text (no phone calls either) so I can kinda let it slide ish. They did meet up once for lunch so it’s still cheating, he still crossed the boundaries and I will remind him of that every single day until he makes things right

[nawtee_me]

How does one cheat emotionally? Did he say I like her better than you? Did he think about her while in bed with you? Did he masturbate and call out her name as he got off? He is with you and not her she is the ex, not you….

[Asker]

Yes he did some of those things. He said I love you to her, when to her aid and neglected me, lied about spending time with her while telling me he’s busy. I feel more of like the sidechick than the actual girlfriend. Maybe more of a fuck buddy actually. We still have sex but he doesn’t have sex with her

[nawtee_me]

Maybe you need to find someone else who wants to be with you only…. You deserve that if not more….

[Asker]

I do think so as well… thank you so much

[LaurenM1997]

I can’t believe you are even giving him a second chance to GO ahead and do it again! SMH 🤦‍♀️

[Asker]

I know 🥲 but I’m ready, when/if it happens again then I’ll finally be hurt enough to cut ties

[LaurenM1997]

Don’t say we all told you so then if it happens again!

[Asker]

Yes don’t worry, this was fully my decision and I’m aware of the risks. Just hoping for the best tho…

[HelpfulWoman]

you're a fucking idiot going towards 30 years old and even thinking of staying...

[Asker]

I know 🤡 but coming from an ex cheater myself, I changed. I cheated when I was young, decided to keep going w my ex, our relationship turned out to be much better and I’ve learned my lesson - never cheated ever again. I want to give my boyfriend the same chance that my ex gave me. If he ends up cheating again then joke’s on me lol

[HelpfulWoman]

XD XD ah i see. trash with trash. i guess that works then :)

[Peridot25]

@Asker Oh well. I guess you should stay with him. You’re both cheaters so why not?

[Kit_Kat88]

I don’t think I can stay with someone who’s in love with someone else.

[Asker]

Same. But based on his interactions with his ex I think it was more of a case of him getting carried away from the nostalgia. At least I hope he’s not lying about that…

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you need to empty his jam jar every day.

[Asker]

I already do lol we don’t have issues in that department

[Opinion Owner]

Yet he got enough jam to sniff round other chicks

[Asker]

🤷🏻‍♀️ Apparently he doesn’t. It was mostly online and romantic texting

[Opinion Owner]

And was his dick in your mouth when he was texting?

[SotiCoto]

There really isn't any point giving second chances... but it is ultimately your choice.
As to how to get past it... you might as well just accept that the world is a shitty place, and most people die without having made anything of their life. You just have to make the most of what you're dealt, otherwise you'll end up stuck in a spiral of misery that only ends in death.

[abc3643]

You move on from this by moving on from him.

[Asker]

Easier said than done 🥲 we’ve been through so much together

[abc3643]

But, he's been through so much with her too... which is why he keeps going back to her instead of you.

[Asker]

😭😭😭

[MrDaveAPSI]

Doesn't this just prove that guys and girls really can't be "just friends"

Emotionally cheating, it's like, wtf

[jahaims]

Dump him. He doesn't love or respect you

[Asker]

Sad but true

[dudeinohio]

Not a good idea to give a second chance.

[Asker]

That makes sense… but I think I’m willing to risk my heart

[thisAppIsGarbage]

You dump him and find someone better. Don't be stupid. He doesn't like you.

[Anonymous]

Refuse to give him a second chance.

[Asker]

I can’t 🥲