I lied to my boyfriend, he found out and broke up with me. Is there any possibility of fixing this with time and us getting back together?

[Anonymous]

I lied to my boyfriend (hid something from him). It was NOT a huge thing about cheating or anything like that. I wasn't talking to another guy and hiding it or something.

The only reason I even lied and tried to hide it was because I was afraid of what he'd say/do if I just told him. We had a fight the day before (completely unrelated to this) and I was still unsure of how he was feeling. I felt if I just told him the truth, he'd blow his top again and leave me or something.

Obviously, lying backfired and guess what? He broke up with me over it. I understand honesty is huge in a relationship and I'm NOT a habitual or pathological liar by any means. I only hid this from him because I feared what may happen if he found out. Yes, I know that was not valid and stupid and yes, it definitely made things worse because he left.

I have apologized. I explained why I did it and also explained that I knew it was not a good or wise decision. I told him going forward, if something similar ever occurred, I'd immediately just bring it to his attention and not try to hide it or lie ever again.

He won't budge. He was angry and told me I was nothing but a liar who could not be trusted. He told me I had proven to him I was no good and he was done with it. That hurt me a lot, but I also understood his reaction. I'd be angry too if I found out he lied to me. I don't know that I would have broken up over it, but I'd at least be angry and want him to prove he would not do that again.

I have taken other steps to prove this is NOT an on-going threat to the future and would not happen again, but he is not interested in hearing about/knowing about these steps.

Right now, I am just staying away. I'm not texting/calling him or anything. I'm giving him time and space. I'm hoping one day, he will eventually believe I can be trusted and give me another chance. I know time will tell, but I hope that is how it works. Does anyone have any advice on how I can fix it/prove myself?

Updates

8 mo

Saying I was "no good" and had proven I couldn't be trusted hurt because he should realize I was VERY good to him and supportive. He even said numerous times what a good person/great partner I was and how lucky he felt to have me. He would say he couldn't believe I was with someone like him. He seemed very content and happy with me and proud of our relationship.

[DishLady]

Lying is never a solution to anything.


Omitting information about yourself is also lying and will ultimately lead to the dissolution of whatever you have going on with a guy.


So if you’re being shady with him of course he’s going to be fed up with you and break up.

[Asker]

I didn't hide information about myself. This was something minor and I only hid it because I was afraid he'd get mad at me. I admitted it was wrong to do, apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. So far, he has texted me a couple times since the separated, but he isn't really mentioning a reconciliation. I don't really know how he feels about that idea at the moment.

I personally feel it was very blown out of proportion and we definitely could have talked about it and got everything ironed out. I don't think a break up was necessary over that. I wasn't being "shady". I explained I did it out of fear and understood I still shouldn't have and apologized. It wasn't enough which is a bit unfair. I tolerated some shady behavior from him (caught him in a few lies and let them slide, let shady/odd behavior slide like constantly taking his phone to the bathroom, constantly being on his phone instead of paying attention to me when I'd be talking to him, etc.).

If I let stuff slide like that and was willing to give him a chance, I feel I deserve the same respect. We were a great couple overall and I did A LOT for him. He told me several times what a lucky guy he was for having such a beautiful and amazing girlfriend. So, it kind of hurt that he'd just want to give up and bail like that over something minor.

[EmmaMary]

I wouldn't think so... Sadly you will have to put this down and into the school of experience... Sorry.

[Asker]

It would really suck if that happened, especially over something small. I know lying is a huge deal to most people, but I've made my steps to ensure it wouldn't happen anymore, I explained what made me feel like it was something I should do, and I recognized why it was totally wrong and it never should have happened.

I do believe it is worth a chance. Wait and see and allow me to prove myself. I also understand him feeling betrayed and hurt and thinking I can't be trusted anymore ("if you lied about that, what else would you lie about?" mindset). It's a very fair feeling. The truth is, NO, I hadn't lied about anything else and I wouldn't again. It was a really bad decision that led to way more issues than if I would have just directly brought it up, regardless of how he'd feel about it. Instead of being all worried and panicked about what he might say/do, I should have just dealt with it and said something. If he got mad, well, it was what it was. It felt like I wouldn't really be able to win either way.

[EmmaMary]

Thank you for the MHO.

[Asker]

He has texted me a couple times since the issue/separation, but no mention of a reconciliation yet. I'm not sure if the civil small-talk texts are a good sign of that coming a bit later on or not.

[Asker]

He ended up wanting us back together, so we are together again

[HighValue]

Once trust is broken, it can never be fully regained. There would always be doubts.

Some life lessons are hard to learn, but you can use it to make better decisions in the future when you get a new partner.

[Asker]

He ended up wanting to come back and wanted us to fix things and be together again, so we are back together.

[Danny_dan92]

Yeah. Fix it by learning not to lie.

[Asker]

Already did that. I've apologized and told him that even if I'm nervous about something in the future, I won't lie or try to hide it. I'll just be upfront about it.

[Danny_dan92]

Good

[Asker]

Yes, definitely good for myself. I've done everything I can. I have apologized more than once. I have owned up that it was NOT the best decision and I have made it clear how I'd handle something similar in the future. BUT he doesn't believe that whatsoever. He's mad and thinks I'm just a worthless liar who can never be trusted. That is definitely NOT true and a bit harsh. I'm not a pathological liar who just routinely hides things and lies. This was just a bad decision made out of fear of his potential reaction. I know it was wrong. But I also know that people are not perfect. I think just about everyone has lied to someone in some degree. It isn't ideal, but it happens. The best thing you can do is apologize, learn and correct your behavior in the future. I feel he did react pretty harshly, but I know that's on him. I can't do anything about his reaction and if he really doesn't want me over this, it sort of feels like maybe he wanted to leave anyhow and this was just the perfect way out for him. But who knows.

[abc3643]

Move on. Just move on.
Once trust is blown, you never get it back.

[Asker]

He wanted us to get back together, so we are together again

[abc3643]

Oh good!

[Juxtapose]

It's kind of hard that judge this when you're not even telling us what you lied about.

[Juxtapose]

*to judge

[Asker]

I deleted a non-important message. I opened it and I thought he'd be mad I opened it, so I tried to act like the message never came. Stupid, but I was worried he may get mad at me for opening it.

[Juxtapose]

You have the right to open whatever message you want. Unless you were doing something sexual with that person why give a shit what your boyfriend thinks? He can either deal with you talking how you want to other people or he can walk.

Lying about it just makes you the bad guy. If he is so bad you have to lie, break up with him.

[Asker]

He already broke up with me, so that ship sailed. BUT you are right. It wasn't a bad message at all. I shouldn't have felt the NEED to hide it out of fear of his reaction. I should have been able to talk to him honestly about it without the fear of an angry outburst. The anger was not necessary, and neither was the break up. He literally just blew up over it and decided that was it and I was just a good-for-nothing liar. Not true. I am an honest person overall. I only lied about this because I was afraid he'd get mad at me. The message was in no shape or form inappropriate and was completely harmless. He saw that once he recovered it. So, I don't understand why he STILL got so angry and left me. That was nothing to break up over. At all. We could have easily just had a discussion about it - with me explaining why I did it and him understanding and just asking me to not do that in the future. Instead, he wanted no part of reasonable discussion. He just got super mad and took off on me and now refuses to speak to me or have anything to do with me.

I now feel like complete crap as a result. I feel like my ignorance ruined our relationship. If I hadn't have done that, he wouldn't have left. I feel like I chased him away, made him lose trust in me and essentially made him hate me and view me as a terrible girlfriend whom he no longer wanted to waste time on. That hurts a lot. Until that, our relationship wasn't bad. He just had anger issues. It makes me sad he'd throw away ALL of our good times over one not so great moment. He really did break up with me out of anger - he made a rash decision and ran with it. That really sucks, but I understand I can't make him come back. If he's set in his decision, it's done.

[Juxtapose]

He sounds like a big baby and I think you can do better than him.

[Asker]

Thanks. So far, things are still rather iffy with us. He's texted me a couple times since walking out on me, but it's been short, brief, small talk type stuff. I don't know if I should consider that a good sign he'll probably want to reconcile or not. Like I said, steps were taken to make things right... or at least attempt to. I apologized. I admitted it was not the right decision. I took steps to ensure it wouldn't happen in the future. None of that mattered to him and he refused to hear any of what I had to say and just said I had proven I couldn't be trusted, didn't learn and that the relationship wasn't worth it. That really hurt me a lot. He had told me numerous times during our relationship how good I was to him, how he was so lucky to have me, how beautiful I was... yeah. That changed in a freaking split second.

I tried to get him to see my point of view. I tried to apologize. I did everything I could to try to reason with him for another chance but he just got madder and said no, he wasn't interested.

I have not mentioned a thing about us or our relationship. Whenever he's reached out to me, I've remained on the same level as he has been. I've been civil, but brief. I do miss him, but I have no idea if he'll want to come back or not. I was hoping he'd realize how stupid this whole thing was and see that the good far outweighed the bad in our relationship and regret how he acted/his decision to leave. No idea if that will happen or not. I guess time will tell.

[Juxtapose]

People definitely do change their loyalties awfully quickly if you irritate one of their pet peeves.

If a small little lie bothered him that much then he's not going to have any long-term relationships with anyone but manipulators who know how to cover their tracks.

Everybody tells small lies.

[Asker]

That was the main point I tried to make. I tried to tell him that yeah, lying is never "right", but literally everyone does it, including him. He just wanted no part of hearing me and just resulted to insulting me and making me out to be the absolute scum of the earth instead. It was hurtful, but I've realized exactly what you said now - if he got that bent out of shape over something like that, do I even WANT him back? I mean wow. I let several things with him slide. I didn't get all bent out of shape over petty things. If the roles were reversed, I wouldn't have left. I would have just listened to his side and told him in the future, please just talk to me instead of hiding it. Then, I would have moved on. There was no call to get that angry and storm out.

[OhLongJohnsoning]

so you're saying women lie, too

in other news, the sun rose today

[Asker]

Obviously men and women both lie sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Are you hottt? = yes
Not = no

[Asker]

lol well, not to be "full of myself", but no... I'm not ugly. A lot of people think I'm pretty. Even other females have told me I have a really pretty face. He even told me often how beautiful I always was. So yes, attraction is definitely there.

[Opinion Owner]

Thennnnn mayyybbbee

[Asker]

Since the separation, he's reached out to me/texted me a couple times. No mention of us, a second chance, etc. yet, but he's been civil. So, should that be considered a good sign that he may very likely end up coming back for another chance?

[Anonymous]

What did you lie about?

[Asker]

I hide a message from him. I deleted it, but he somehow still found it. It was NOT bad. It was NOT cheating or anything. It was a simple message, but I was afraid he'd get mad at me for not sharing it with him or telling him about it, so I thought I'd delete it. Then he confronted me about deleting it and was super mad.

I apologized. I admitted I should have just let him know and not tried to hide it since it was nothing bad (he saw that it was not bad when he recovered it). I

[Asker]

told him WHY I even decided to hide it (because I feared him being angry). I showed ways to avoid that happening in the future. He refused to hear me out. He refused to work anything out. He said I had shown him I couldn't be trusted and didn't learn/listen, so he was over it, done with me/us and not wanting to work anything out. It was really hurtful. Yeah I know he was in a really sour mood over it all, but that really hurt me a lot to hear that.

He's texted me a couple times since the separation. It's been civil, but brief. He is not mentioning anything about us, the idea of reconciliation, etc. He has been brief, but civil. He has not mentioned anything about what happened. I have let him do all the initiating with conversation since the separation and I have also not mentioned anything about us or what happened. I've stayed on his level and remained civil, but brief.

Would you assume the texting is a good sign he may want to end up working things out or no?

[jahaims]

You got what you deserve

[Asker]

Well, yeah. I know what I did wasn't right. But, we're all human and we all make mistakes. I apologized. I gave suggestions to further ensure this would not repeat itself in the future. He didn't want to hear any of those suggestions though and refused to budge on anything. He said he was moving on with himself and was totally done with me/us. It hurts a lot because I do feel bad for what happened. I also have been good to him and forgave him for several things. I wish I'd be able to receive the same level of forgiveness. Only time will tell I suppose.

[jahaims]

He is making a mature choice. Leave the guy alone. He took out the trash.

[Asker]

Oh f*ck off. As if YOU'VE never made a mistake before. YOU aren't perfect either. Grow up.

[Asker]

I'm FAR from "trash".

[Asker]

We got back together, so an even bigger f*ck you for your nasty a*s remarks