Feeling much at peace but also confused/conflicted after initiating breakup with toxic/ unhealthy partner?

[confusedtea]

I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 months over the level of unhealthiness and gaslighting taking place. My boyfriend still says im mistaken about lot of stuff and we should take a break instead of breaking up. My anxiety got worse because of him leading to anxiety attacks, i reduced eating significantly over the course of the relationship, had started cutting etc., he also seemed to have been isolating me and we would have fights of him thinking im prioritizing my friends over him etc. He had good intentions for me but the way he would say it/ method was wrong. He also owes me around 2k dollars which he is now not really responding to my messages but will need to cause his stuff is at my place too which he would pick up once he is back to the country next week.

Honestly im more at peace, my anxiety issues reduced, im getting my appetite back and stuff but on the other hand, im feeling sad and guilty for initiating the break up. Maybe he is making me feel that way with his words too. For the most part, from what all my friends also noticed as outsiders it seemed like he just used me for money, sex and attention and the fact that lot of his "stories or life", the timelines didn't just match. He would tell me about his female bestie too but i never seen a pic of her, never seen the said name on his phone, nor any insta or whatever though they'd meet up. (In comparision to contacts and pics of all his other friends he told em about).

Its just all these memories and everything that i keep thinking was it even genuine or just a show off. All the times his love felt real, was it even real? or was he just using me and faking it all this while for the sex and the money. it just keeps fucking with my head cause its goes from ugh he was an asshole and manipulator and i hate him to did he love me, i kinda miss him, blah blah. And him guilt tripping me acting innocent makes me question my decision to breakup tho im so much more at peace right now. I really dont know what to do.

[Skinhead-1979]

I can relate...

... but after 4.5 years I am still trapped. I thought I was doing alright, haven't seen my ex for 2.5 years.
But then I saw her in town today... with my son, who I haven't seen for 2.5 years either. She didn't look at me, but her behaviour was really odd and she went hiding in secluded car parking lot. I was trying to look for ways already to get out of the situation and quickly crossed a fairly busy road and went into town.

As soon as I saw 2 police officers patrolling I went to them and asked them what I can do just in case she shows up in front of me. I really don't know what I'll do: Scream? Shout? Curse? Run away?

The female police officer told me I can report her for emotional abuse... I've never been told that; I had contacted the police 2.5 years ago when she withheld my kids from me again to ask them how I can protect myself from her; besides that it's been 4.5 years ago that the abusive relationship came to an end, and Emotional Abuse is very difficult to prove.

When I came home I phoned the police station to ask for advise/ information. I've got an appointment on Monday now.

I don't know what it is I really want... I want my kids, of course... but going to court will affect them. They think already that I abandoned them (they most likely do not know their mother told me I couldn't have them over anymore and are no doubt angry. Would I drag my ex to court, either over custody, the emotional abuse or both... They'll blame me even more.

Of course I always get the question "Have you looked for help?". Yes, of course I have... I have had 5 suicide attempts due to her; I've knocked on every door I can think of... but the British Healthcare system has as good as collapsed due to underfunding and a shortage of staff (shortage of 100,000 staff spread out over all medical sectors). There is nothing for me; I am one of those unfortunate people who slips through the safety net.

I live like Hermit, I barely come outside... Terrified of my ex, and her 'flying monkeys'

[ohsheeT]

Come on. You do know what to do. ... All the negative feelings that you feel you feel is for a reason.

And that reason is because he has made you feel those why would you cut and not eat over somebody you can't have that in your life either you can't have anxiety attacks over somebody you need that somebody out of your life this life is about you and your happiness and people that come into your life and it can keep that happiness going are the people that you want around you not the people that make you feel bad or make you feel like you're being used or.. manipulated... A relationship is about love trust respect friendship becoming one and that's each and every day..

If something's not right in the relationship you have to be honest with yourself. I mean truly honest and accept it.

I can't tell you what to do is ask for your choice but I know you'll make the right one with everything you said I know it's choice I would make..

[RavVid]

First will say don't look back in terms of asking how genuine it was. Doing that caused me a lot of anguish when one relationship ended. It does fuck with your head as you say.

Instead just look at the most recent times and focus on how satisfactory it is. 6 months is a short period and you could be expected to be still in your honeymoon period. Guess that is not the case.

Now I don't know about the gaslighting etc and it can be a he said she said with both accusing each other of it. There might not that much wrong him - to give all possible credit - but perhaps you don't work well as a couple.

You have only invested 6 months so if you can't sort it then I'd say call it quits when he gets back. As the initiator you have some power to extract concessions but I would suggest you don't. It needs to be equal between you.

[Gent207-2]

You are going to have a lot to work through especially trauma and disassociation.

It will take sometime before you stop constantly second guessing yourself

Just don't go back to him

[DrPepper12]

Congrats on getting out. Itll pass. Go have some NSA rebound fun!

[noohair]

You are better off now, right? Do not wonder about the past. The past is over. Never go back, you can't grow in the past. Good Luck.

[eagle1951]

best thing for you