Break up went from being mutual to being very toxic, how to I handle this now?

[Anonymous]

This all happened a few hours ago sadly. Been with my man for just little under a year. For the most part i was pretty happy but he was a very detached sort of person where as i enjoy love language quite a lot.

About a week ago the red flags sort of hit me all at once when an innocent conversation turned into a warning sign that this man didn't really care for me as much as i thought he once did. I tried having conversations that he kept avoiding. For context this is something he'd often do, instead of talking out an issue he'd run off and ignore me until he felt i had 'learned my lesson' and dropped the conversation

Today i could not stand how i was being treated and we broke it off.. Told him to please come get anything that he felt was his and i would happily pay back anything that he felt he was owed for what he gave me as gifts over our relationship (i didn't want to feel like i owed him anything)

At that point everything was calm and respectful even though it was sad that it was ending. A hour or so later he texts me and things just go south so fast. He was ripping me apart, my family my friends, didn't have a kind word to say about anyone i cared for. Even made sure to explain that he couldn't see a future with me because i "Didn't have enough to offer that was useful to him in the world outside of sexual release" After a few more insults i ended up blocking him just to make it stop and told a mutual friend to come gather his things for him.

Now sitting here i feel a hollow sort of confusion. A part of me is relieved its over if that is how he viewed me in silence for so long. Part of me is also super hurt and sad about it all, and more annoyingly still loves him. I'm not entirely sure how to handle this now moving forward, it doesn't feel like a normal break up i've ever had. Any advice on how to move on from something so shattering?

[Oliverlogan263]

Wow girl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. Breakups are hard enough as it is, but for it to end so toxically makes it 100x worse. First things first, try not to dwell on those hurtful things he said after - it's clear he was just lashing out because he was upset. His words say way more about him than they do about you.

From the sound of it, you made the right call ending things. No one deserves to be treated as less than or just used for sex. You seem like a caring, thoughtful person, and you deserve a partner who appreciates all of you - your qualities both inside and outside the bedroom.

My advice would be to lean on your close girlfriends for support. Vent to them, cry on their shoulders, let all those feelings out. Do things that make you feel good like treating yourself to your favorite food or having a movie night. In time, focus on rebuilding your confidence without him. You'll start remembering all the amazing things about yourself that have nothing to do with any man.

The hurt will fade, I promise. Be kind to yourself as you heal. Block him on everything so you're not tempted to reach out or check on him. You've got this - you're so much stronger than any insult he threw at you. Hang in there! Feel free to message me if you ever need another friend to listen. You've got this girl ♥️

[Shamalien]

I had a breakup like this before…she said truly terrible things to me. No one, man or woman, has ever been so cruel. It’s fucked up because I tried to break it off as nicely as I could, and we both agreed it was for the best…but yeah…sometimes kindness is seen as weakness I suppose.

I hung up and all the texts started flowing in, and I just told her I wasn’t gunna allow her to disrespect me like that and that I’m happy to talk when she wants to speak to me with respect. Ignored all subsequent texts, and it’s been nearly a year since I’ve heard from her.

It can be emotionally devastating to be broken up with, so in your situation, try to understand that he’s just going through it and in a totally primal, dark place. Don’t take it personally…if anything it goes to show how much the relationship meant to them truly. Like maybe he really believes the shit he’s saying, who knows, but who cares, you aren’t down with his kind anyway, why would you care what he thinks?

[petitedollbabee]

He said all that to make you feel shit. It was only said with the intent of hurting you. Why allow it to? Push him out of your mind and do some self care. Watch a good show, have some snacks, and silence your phone for the rest of the day. That man is trash and doesn’t deserve to take up any space in your mind. You dodged a huge bullet by breaking things off now. Imagine staying with him when that’s what he thinks of you? I hope that once the freshness of the breakup wears off, you see that you’ve made the right decision and you feel relieved.

[Radiate143]

The rule with men is that their actions speak louder than words. The nice things they say need actions to be believed but when they're angry and say mean things believe them 💯. They mean that 💩.

You have to build up your self confidence again. Not with some Tik Tok glow up. Like past trauma level, self worth, childhood pain level and don't date until you have the confidence to walk away at even the slightest overstep or disrespect.

We've all been used by a jerk guy before and most of them will do that to us if we let them. Be strong.

[Anonymous]

You got to understand that he views all this much differently the you do. I am not at all justifying him insulting you. But you were mentally prepared to move on and he was more likely blindsided. You can’t expect him to immediately have a “peace of mind” it’s over and react to this the same way you have.

When I broke up with my last ex she went completely nuclear for over 2 hours. Yelling, screaming, crying, etc. it was 2 hours of agony dealing with it.

BUT I walked away with a clear conscious. She was able to get everything she wanted to say (fair or not) off her chest. Never heard from her again after that. But she going to say everything she wanted to say.

But unless a man is truly threatening and/or physically violent (and no mean words aren’t “violent”) then it’s going to be expected that he is going to be very upset. His world suddenly got turned up side down.

TBH I am really fed up with this unrealistic/unfair expectation women put on men to be “gracious” when they break up with men. Like women are entitled to avoid being emotionally uncomfortable when they tell a man something he doesn’t want to hear. Like he’s supposed to still ”care about her feelings” when he if now being discarded and invalidated. Especially the man doesn’t see it coming.

That of course gives men absolutely zero justification to be legitimately physically violent/threatening. But most men will NOT be that way. Most men no better then to hit a woman and/or threaten her. They know there will be severe consequences if they do.

But men are human. If you cut us we are going to bleed. And him getting angry is to be expected. Him ventilating that vs holding it in and letting it fester gives him badly needed closure. Helps him move on.

[Asker]

There was no unfair expectations on him with this situation. I went into it wanting to have a conversation with him about the situation I didn't go I to it planning to break up with him.

What triggered me calling it quits was how he responded to my trying to talk to him about it but I only get so many words I couldn't explain every tiny bit.

I am all for people feeling their emotions it's only fair for both men and women to feel their feelings but I don't think it's fair to be spoken to like I'm dirt for simply expressing my emotions about a conflict.

I do appreciate your perspective on it however.

[Opinion Owner]

Alright fair enough.

Look things got very ugly when I broke up with my ex girlfriend. Scary bad. So bad that she threatened suicide. But I still have her 2 hours of my undivided attention to endure her going ballistic. But still I did the right thing and I took it as AFFIRMATION that I made the right decision. As unpleasant as his remarks are you should take that as affirmation too.

On the flip side when I was dumped I was CONSTRAINED from speaking my mind. One of my exes coincidentally had her roommates boyfriend over to “keep an eye on me” the day she broke up with me. I never once gotten violent with her or even thought seriously about doing that. But she brought other people into the mix for so called “support”. In reality she just didn’t want to feel uncomfortable.

So a lot of the angry things I wanted to say ended up festering for a very long time. Haunted me.

[JesseP1nk]

"I tried having conversations that he kept avoiding. For context this is something he'd often do, instead of talking out an issue he'd run off and ignore me until he felt i had 'learned my lesson' and dropped the conversation"

Jordan Peterson: "Conflict delayed is conflict multiplied"

i suggest you to watch this. If you dont wanna watch entire thing then watch from 35:40

https://www.youtube.com/embed/IRCZ1Mt2a8M

[noohair]

It seems that there was a lot of toxicity to begin with. A volatile person is never good to be around. You are better off without him. I have discovered that time will help you heal. I also know from experience that I can’t grow if I live in the past. So live moving forward and good Luck…

[Unit1]

That would have been the least of your concerns were you to continue being in a relationship with this asshole.

[Kayleigh2005]

Yup, I started dating a month later, wow, insane level crazy from him, smh

[Ariesman81]

Let me guess... these conversations you wanted to have were about how he wasn't loving you right? How he was doing it wrong? You needed more?

[Asker]

No it wasn't those sorts of conversations, with the way i crew up i always had the understanding of 'being grateful for what you have' So i find it hard to ask for much of anything let alone for more of something.

The stuff i mostly wanted to talk about as i said in other replies were is i didn't like to be told that any choice that ever had to be made was his way and thats it, no discussion, no middle ground just what he said goes. I was told what feelings were ok for me to have and what feelings weren't. He'd make crude comments about me, my family anything i cherished and if i tried to talk to him he'd just angrily tell me it was a joke.

It never felts safe to talk to him, now dont get me wrong i never felt unsafe in a way as i thought he could hurt me or anything like that but i always felt like i was stepping on glass incase i somehow would set him off.

[Ariesman81]

Well... sounds like you need to decide if you want a leader or a partner

[SmileyLady]

Get trauma counselling. Yes, I’m serious. Move house if you can and have no contact with him ever again.

[Anonymous]

Block him and try to move on. Thats all you can do.

[kaucky1]

I know If I come across any from past they'd ask casually 'you wanna fuck'😱🤫🫢

[Jamie05rhs]

What were the conversations that he avoided?

[Asker]

Pretty much any sort of conflict resolution. If we ever disagreed on how something should be handled it was always him saying 'we are doing it this way and that's that' I'd never get a chance to put in my opinion. Or if he did or said something I thought was cruel or hurtful he would flip out.

I even tried to bring these talks up on a later day when emotions wouldn't still be hot but anytime I tried he'd instantly get get heated and either yell at me or would storm out of the house for a few hours or just refuse to speak to me for 2 fulls days in the house till I 'learned my lesson' and dropped the issue as to not bother him anymore.

[Jamie05rhs]

Sounds like you guys are not compatible.

[Jamie05rhs]

Maybe he has pent up energy and feelings that he was holding back, so he needed to let it out. I think he had a right to let off that steam. But you also had a right to block him when his comments became offensive.

[Jamie05rhs]

At this point, it's best for you both to just move on.