How do I break up with her?

[getpucksin]

If I word it poorly I'm worried it will make the problems she has been having worse, but I cannot keep it going for too long because it will hurt both of us more if I drag it out. I am not happy about leaving, I have already met her family and father, and I was lucky enough to be welcomed.

It's especially difficult considering the messages I woke up to this morning, and I cannot tell her the real reason for breaking up is that I am no longer interested in her, or those issues she is having will be made much worse.

[coxoabean]

This does look like a very tough thing to have to do and to tell her. As she has mentioned, she does seem to be going through a lot, and yes, dragging this out would only make things worse for the both of you. I find it great that you are asking for advice on how to handle this, as some guys will just flat out block the girl or just ghost her which causes so much pain. So, it's great your seeking advice and I think that in a way you telling her your true feelings, that you are no longer interested is definitely the best thing, and hopefully she will appreciate it and not become so upset with you. Hopefully she will appreciate the fact that you are actually willing to tell her, as it is a very hard thing to have to do, and can create many problems if the person wants to get mad at you and "pay you back (hurt you)" for what they think was you "hurting them". She honestly needs the whole truth, even if it hurts her. I've been through a breakup where I didn't get the full truth then it came out later, hurting me deeply. So I understand you said you cannot tell her you are no longer interested, but I think it may be what's best. If you really prefer not to tell her that's very understandable as well. She will likely have lots of questions though, and coming out with the truth will make it much easier on your part. Also, if she has questions maybe depending on how comfortable you are answering them, let her ask them and give her your honest feelings and answer. Maybe you can tell her something like " I have something I need to tell you. I want you to know that I think you are a *...(Then you can tell her what you do like about her, things you enjoy about her)*. I wasn't sure what the best way to tell you this would be as I didn't want to hurt you or cause you anymore stress then you already have. This is a very difficult thing for me to have to do, and I am not happy about it at all, but It's something I know Is best for the both of us. The truth is what you need, and I cannot lie about this or carry it on, I'm doing this to protect the both of us, and because I care and don't want to hurt you more than what I will already. Please understand that this isn't easy for me, this doesn't make me happy to have to do, but I ask that you please hear me out, and understand me. (You could maybe tell her you were lucky to have been welcomed by her family, and if you enjoyed them and meeting them, tell her that. Then you could tell her this doesn't really have anything to do with her, but more something you are trying to work on, that is if that's how you feel). If I'm correct from your other post you had mentioned you don't know why this is what happens, and I'm sure your wanting to fix it, just let her know that, in whatever words you think best, you don't have to tell her exactly what it is you were struggling with, but so that she actually understands and knows why, I would encourage you to maybe let her know at least a little:) *then you could tell her * I never meant any of this to hurt you, that was never my intentions, and I am sorry. We all make mistakes and I agree this is one I may have made, and I want to apologize for it. I want to give you the truth, because it's what's best. I am no longer interested in pursuing anything more, I don't mean this in a mean way, but I have lost interest in what we had, and I think it is best for the both of us if we moved on. I want you to know that, there is someone for everyone, and right now, I am not that person for you. I want you to not give up searching or waiting for the right one for you, because if you wait, he will come. I am sorry things have to be this way, but it's for the better. I cannot lie about my feelings and pretend, as it will only hurt you more, and I need you to understand that I care enough to not hurt you. You deserve the best and I want that for you, but if I can't give you that, it's only better for you to find someone who can. I know this may hurt you and I am sorry, I hope that everything I have said was in the best way I could have said it"

Whew, I write too much, I'm sorry 😅😐, I just hope to be of some help. But thats one way or example of how maybe you can tell her. You could change up the words of course and say what you think is best. That is just what I have thought about. I wish you the best and hope that all goes well with you telling her, Lord willing she will take what you do tell her and understand. That she will see that it was the nice thing for you to do to even tell her, because it takes a lot of humbleness and courage to do so, and hopefully she will appreciate that. I'm not an expert at love or relationships haha but If you ever have anymore questions or something Feel free to shoot me a message, and I'll do my best to help answer as best as I can.

[getpucksin]

Thanks a lot for this take I think it did help a lot making things go more smoothly. I know she was hurt, but the way she responded seemed like she understood like... because of the advice you described

[coxoabean]

Oh ok, so you had already told her? Sorry if I was late to post an opinion to this haha. But I'm glad she seemed to understand

[getpucksin]

I told her.. essentially right after you posted it haha. But I did read it and it helped

[Crimsyjo]

Aww that's tough. I've been on both ends of this. Being overly emotional and dependent on someone and reaching out because my head just goes round and round with my own insecurities.

And also I've had people who are draining with the constant need for attention/validation or just negativity.

My thoughts are (and I'm by no means an expert) ... kind but honest words is the only way to go. I don't know if you see her face to face much? But no matter what you say she will be sad. I'm sorry. It's not really your problem tho. It's something she will have to go through now and in the future. Not saying anything but pulling back is going to be way more painful though. I know. Cos when guys have done that to me and avoided my direct questions of where we stand it just makes my head spin more (am I being silly, am I being needy, am I overreacting, am I being a fool). So I think just peel that band aid off. Speak your truth. You don't feel a vibe? You are finding your attention taken up elsewhere and don't have energy to put into a relationship right now? Your sorry she feels low. But maybe she needs someone closer to help as you don't feel it's something you can help with. ...

"You deserve someone who can give you more than i can"..

Just some examples. Like I said.. what is your truth. You can be kind but you are entitled to live your life to how you wish and with who.

[getpucksin]

Ah I appreciate hearing what you think about all of this. I don't want to leave anything unsaid unless it is better for her to not hear.

[Crimsyjo]

Well don't tell her she is overly emotional, needy or clingy lol. Cos with the right guy she won't be like that (cos he will reciprocate her feelings). Just stick to how you feel. So it's not criticism of her. Esp if she's already feeling low self esteem. Plus.. she can't really deny or argue against your feelings.

[getpucksin]

That's a good point. I see a lot of breakups happen where it is focused on what the other person was doing wrong, and they are always worse than other breakups.

[ManOnFire]

Very sad. Seems like she has some serious emotional issues. By the looks of it maybe depression and anxiety, or possibly psychosis by the way she's desperate to hear from you. I can fully understand why you're worried about telling her it's over. You probably fear for her mental health spiraling... or worse.

Best way you can probably let her down easy is to say you just don't feel like the relationship is the best thing anymore. It will still hurt, but maybe not as bad as outright telling her you're not interested.

I truly wish you the best on this, bro.

[getpucksin]

She told me she has bpd and it does show often, really quick highs and lows and splits -- The last thing I want to do is make that worse -- Thanks for the kind wishes