Have you ever loved someone but lost attraction towards them? What did you do?

[Finchie40]

I know most people don’t stay attractive forever , another reason why couples decide to cheat or split up with each other , but have you ever loved someone and then all of a sudden you realize you are no longer really attracted to them? Kind of what happened to my wife and I , she is 4 years older than me and her attraction slowly faded to me through the years , mainly her personality changed on me , making me not want to really be with her anymore and then her looks started fading as well to me , because of her personality changing , but I stayed with her because I still loved and cared about her , she isn’t ugly but she is no longer really beautiful to me anymore. So her and I eventually started butting heads and having a lot of disagreements with each other , We ended up separating for a while and I started dating other girls ‘ that had better personalities and better looks. I eventually met a beautiful girl that treated me like Gold and things were great between us , until her husband knocked on my door , After that I stayed single and my wife was still begging for me back , so i eventually gave her another chance because she stood by my side when my Mom and brother passed away , things were great between us again and then it eventually went to shit again , I still love and care about her but I am no longer really attracted to her? We don’t hate each other , we just know we aren’t good for each other and decided to go our separate ways. Am I wrong for losing attraction towards her? It’s like I no longer see the beautiful girl she once used to be towards me? Anyone experience similar feelings? What did you end up doing?

[Crimsyjo]

You've heard the expression "love is blind" and "rose-coloured glasses" right?

Yeah. This is the thing. When you fall in love with a person it makes them so perfect in your eyes. And even when the initial buzz wears to something more long term, love keeps you attracted. Cos love really is more than just physical.

However when you start to fall out of love... this "magic" wears off. And you see flaws either in their personality or looks or (more likely) both.

I've heard of and had this experience.

With my husband... we worked and lived together. 24/7. He had many flaws. Being a functioning alcoholic one. But I loved him. When we had our first child... she was premature and I was kept in hospital. I saw my hubby after time not with him and after looking at this tiny little baby. And I got this jolt. Like haha its weird. But I just thought my God his nose is huge! And I'm sorry but that day I felt I lost the spell of love. I worried I could only love "one" at the time and my love was transferred to our baby. I don't know. But his incompetence at looking after me or the baby further eroded that love. Like you I did try. I held on another 3 years. And sometimes I felt that spark and hope back. But he wd do something that wd kill it again.

And more recently... as proof of these hormonal influences on us.. after emerging back into dating world I got a big crush on this guy. Mainly cos he was funny and so open to showing himself and it was refreshing after getting scammers and catfish in the first couple of weeks. I was so 😍😍😍 over him. But I came on too strong and he pulled back and I knew I had to get over this stupid crush feeling so I went no contact for a month. He came back in touch and we've remained friends. My big crush feelings are just now a mild fondness of him. But damn is he ugly now when I look at him! I can't believe how I thought he was so sexy and hot? It's weird.

Also... with my recent boyfriend.. he wasn't hottest guy when I met him. But I really wanted a relationship and the more I looked at him the more attracted I was getting towards him. There was moments when I saw him from a distance I was like oh.. he's not that great. But lol.. if your intimate with someone enough their features etc grow on you.

And lastly... my best friend has been with her husband a long long time. And at times confided in me that she lost attraction to him. Mainly weight issues I think. Tho he isn't huge or anything. I guess age too. But I think they overcome it. Maybe it's something that happens. I know if my hubby hadn't been an issue in other areas I would not have left him and most likely the feeling of unattraction would have been temporary.

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I find it really strange that hormones could transform your perception of physical beauty so much because... Ugly is a strong word lol

[Crimsyjo]

@Maybe_Maybe_not don't underestimate the female hormones lol. And after ten years of mine being repressed... my surge was really strong.
And don't forget this was a young 24 year old I had a crush on right at the very very start of my entering the world of men and dating. I hadn't met anyone or had sex or anything. And it's not like you "see" them physically all the time. You fall in lust with the communication (oooh power of words mixed with power of hormones!). So on my Snapchat. Getting a ping and attention. Sexual teasing. Leading to a heightened sense of arousal before "seeing" them online. 😄 it's maybe not just men who are teased about the blood going from the brain to... other places and messing with logic lol

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Okay, with these new elements now the picture is complete, I get the delusional power at play !

[Crimsyjo]

@Maybe_Maybe_not yes!! It was a very... illuminating - experience. I've come a long way since then!! I couldn't read people at all lol

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

I had a somewhat resembling experience of the "getting out of lethargy" you describe, so, to some extent, I get what is happening :D

[Finchie40]

I guess in my situation , it was my wife’s negative disrespectful personality that made me not look at her as beautiful anymore , when I first met her , she wasn’t drop dead gorgeous but she was definitely cute and she had a good heart , very sweet and kind, a little bit on the dorky side , which was cute to me. Her personality naturally the time made her more beautiful to me. Making her go from an7 to a 10 , as years went on and he wended up married with children , my wife started becoming rude and disrespectful, was barely ever happy with anything , constantly blaming me for anything negative that happened , the shit that was coming out of her mouth wasn’t the same girl I once knew , her negativity and nasty attitude was a turn off to me. She build up so much hate and anger towards me to the point I had no other choice but to walk away. She became a very selfish person that only cared about herself , she was no longer that sweet caring girl anymore , to other people she was but not to me. At times I think if she stayed sweet and caring , I would of still stayed in love with her and still consider her beautiful, but sadly her negativity and her aging just made her more ugly to me. . To the point I could no longer look at her the same way I did before. When her and I separated, i eventually met another girl that was sweet and caring and beautiful to me , she treated me like Gold , every word out of her mouth was positive , she would compliment me instead of criticizing me and belittling me. Complete opposite of my wife , this girl made me feel better about myself. So I was falling for this girl big time. When I look back at my wife , the shit my wife would tell me crushed me inside , she always made me feel like I was t good enough , put me down and basically point out flaws on me , comparing me to other men , making me feel like I was disgusting , if I put on a couple pounds I was fat and disgusting , her negativity towards me finally built up

[Finchie40]

To the point I had no other choice back to walk away , and I am grateful that I did because I would of never met a girl that actually has a heart

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

@Finchie40 not all stories are made to last indeed, and the reasons of the decline are not always clear, but it's good you find some light, elsewhere !

[Finchie40]

Yea one thing I learned in life was I could only give what I hope to receive in return , I can’t force a girl to love me or want me , I can only treat her the way I would like to be treated in return. What she chooses to do is up to her , we can’t stop someone from cheating on us or betraying us , that’s something they can only decide to do on their own. So I only give my heart to a girl that chooses me the same way I choose her , if she chooses to walk away , I let her go and tell her I wish her the best the luck but understand my ass will not be sitting here waiting for you , that’s another thing I don’t do is take an ex back , I made that mistake before twice and realized both times it was a waste of time

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

Looks like a very reasonable philosophy to me !

[TheRealPepperPotts]

Yes. But it wasn't a personality or behavior thing. After having kids, I couldn't stand him touching me. It physically set my teeth on edge. I was not attracted and not interested in sex or even kissing. I was filled with shame and I tried to be romantic and do right by him, but it made me feel nauseous and my skin crawled.

Turns out, it was my hormones. I had an autoimmune disease that nearly killed me before it was diagnosed. It depleted my stores of pretty much everything and I was running on fumes. Between that and how difficult pregnancy was, I was a mess. I had an excellent doctor that ran tests and discovered that I basically had no hormones. My body was completely overwhelmed by the overstimulation and sensory things, and I had no buffer to cope. I was put on a specially compounded hormone blend derived from a plant base. Within a week, I was back to normal.

My respect for hormones skyrocketed after that experience. I share it, because I honestly think that it affects tons of women and their behavior. We know and accept that guys are driven by their male hormones. It would be helpful if somehow, we could also accept that women are, too. If a woman is being crazy, it might not be a character thing. She might literally be chemically incapable of reasonable and rational behavior. That's not an excuse, just like a guy saying his "testosterone" made him cheat. It's just something to be aware of if a woman you know is a kind and reasonable human being suddenly turns into Maleficent.

Hopefully this is helpful to someone! :)

[Finchie40]

So once you get help by your doctor? Did your relationship with your husband get better? I know most females go through hormonal changes, especially when she hits menopause , Men on Pause lol My wife also suffers from anxiety and depression , so our relationship went through a lot of ups and downs , but as time went on, it just got worse over being better , So her and I decided to go our separate ways now that the kids are older , I don’t hate her , just no longer good for each other on top of the I am no longer really attracted to her , I feel her personality changing on me was the main reason for that. She brings more misery into my life than happiness. She no longer wanted to be intimate with me , no longer wanted to kiss me or be in my arms. Our relationship basically turned one sided , Her way or no way and that’s when I knew to throw in the towel

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@Finchie40 Oh, yes. You see, my values hadn't changed; I was still the same person. I was just sick. He knew that, and we both worked together to figure out what was wrong. I'm a very rational and intuitive person, and I knew something wasn't right. I kept telling him something is wrong, and he believed me and trusted me. The important thing, though, was that we communicated. Even with how I felt physically, I expressed that I loved him and wanted to be with him.

Having hormone problems is like being on drugs (I've dealt with meth addicts, so I'm familiar with the behavior). Take a normal person, and mess with them chemically. It's impossible for them to combat the effects, even if they are fighting it. Lack of hormones is similar to withdrawal.

But, here's the thing: I knew something was wrong. I was actively trying to figure out what on earth was happening. Some women never realize how serious it is. What's weird is that it feels kind of justified at the time, exactly like being on drugs makes you feels "normal". I would be willing to bet that a large percentage of women who go "crazy" are actually dealing with major hormone issues.

[Finchie40]

I agree with you , I have experienced girls’ going crazy , complete opposite of who they were to begin with. Guys’ can go through similar things as well , one minute he is kind and caring and enjoys laughing and having a good time then all of a sudden he is complete opposite , whether he is suffering from depression sadness etc. I had a few friends’ that completely lost their minds , a few of them killed themselves and a few of them are still battling with depression or severe OCD. I still care about them and consider them my friends’ and try to help them as much as possible ! by trying to get them 5”the help they need before they do something stupid , I have dated girls’ that changed on me like a flip of a switch , if she choose to get help for it , I will stay by her side but if she chooses not to get help for it and continues to keep treating me like shit , I’m sorry but my ass is walking the other way. We can only be someone’s punching bag for a matter of time before we eventually throw in the towel and say Fuck this shit. It does t mean you don’t care about that person anymore , it just means you can’t handle that person anymore. My wife has a mental illness that basically turns her into Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde , once I did research on her diagnosis , I thought I could handle it but sadly it just got worse to the point I had no other choice but to walk away. Even though I still care about her and love her , I could no longer tolerate the abuse she was bringing into my life. It was more misery than happiness sadly to say. It got so bad to the point I was choosing her but she no longer was choosing me. My wants and needs meant nothing to her , our relationship turned one sided , basically her way or no way. When I separated from her , it was the best move I made. I started meeting girls’ that actually chose me the same way I chose them , I didn’t have to worry about her changing on me and didn’t have to walk on egg shells around them. I felt at peace

[BetaBucks]

If you don't mind me asking, did you have any type of desires at the time? Like for "yourself" or other guys? Or was it a complete shutdown basically? Sorry if that's too personal, and don't feel obligated to reply.

[Finchie40]

I don’t hate my wife , I just know she isn’t good for me , her mental illness is not easy to handle whatsoever , imagine yourself with a loving caring guy that treats you with kindness and respect and then all of a sudden he turns on you and start treating you like complete shit , putting you down , criticizing you , belittling you , withholding intimacy and affection from you , embarrassing you in front of other people like your friends’ and family , comparing you to other people , like you don’t measure up to their standards? What would be the right thing for you to do? Stand there and take the abuse or walk away? I chose to walk away , and shockingly after her crazy episode she would come chasing me back being all loving and caring to me again , so I would give her another chance , things would be good between us for a bit and then bam , she is back to being a demon towards me again , the same shit like before was back , so I walk away again , I tolerated this vicious cycle with her for many of years, mainly for my kids sake. Leaving a constant question l mark over my head as to whether she really loves me or not? Sadly I started feeling like a convenience to her , to the point I was constantly giving without receiving. For my own sanity I had to get away and put an end to her and I. I don’t wish that type of relationship on anyone , it isn’t normal whatsoever , it’s borderline abuse. I realized I deserve a girl that gives to me the same way I give to her not temporary, life is too short to be with someone that barely brings happiness into your life , Lucky for you , your husband stood by you cuz he could of said Fuck this and went a met another girl that wanted to give to him. If you didn’t get help? He more than likely would have ended up doing that , especially by you not wanting to touch him and be close to him. That’s usually when a partner chooses to walk away or chooses to cheat on their partner when the relationship becomes one sided

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@BetaBucks Would it be all right if I messaged you?

[TheRealPepperPotts]

@Finchie40 It sounds like she had narcissistic personality disorder. I'm sorry that happened, what an awful experience. :(

Well, since our wedding vows included "in sickness or in health", it was a matter of personal integrity and ethics. He wouldn't have been much of a man if he'd abandoned me in my hour of need. Lack of sex in marriage is not an excuse to cheat; it's a symptom of something being wrong, whether physically or relationally. It's a call to action. Same thing with lack of romance and emotional care towards a woman; it's not an excuse for her to cheat with the first guy who listens sympathetically...

I was so thankful for his support, and I did get better. And I made it up to him big time. :) Another thing to keep in mind is that it wasn't "years and years". It was about 18 months of figuring things out and seeing doctors. It's not normal for someone to be in that state long-term, and if they don't recognize that, that's a major problem. I was aware, apologizing and communicating and putting in effort to find a solution. I wasn't just sitting around, telling him this is his fault and welcome to the new normal.

Hopefully that clarifies the context a bit! :D

[Finchie40]

Yes that’s understandable by the fact that you were making him aware of what you were experiencing instead of just assuming he is a mind reader , which sadly my wife’s condition wasn’t easy for me , because I had no clue what she was experiencing, she just expected me to read her mind. I constantly had a question mark over my head not knowing if it was her talking or the mental illness talking. So the only thing I could do for my own sanity was to walk away , not knowing if she was going to chase me or not , this vicious cycle continued for a lot of years to the point I could no longer take her back , even though I loved her and cared about her , her mental illness got worse and worse through the years to the point I felt like i was losing my mind , which I know for a fact it impacted me. I started to get counseling to figure out myself to find out the counselor told me to get away from her as well. She isn’t an evil person , her mental illness is evil period. Her medications only work for an amount of time before they stop working and then she has to get diagnosed again and her meds adjusted. I’m sorry to say it’s not normal and it’s not a healthy relationship period. It’s more toxic than anything. When she has her episodes , I was her target and punching bag , she would belittle me, criticize me , say very fucked up things to me , to the point I started feeling like she was cheating on me or playing me and stringing me along , i tolerated this shit for a long time thinking Love will save the day and I loved my kids as well and wanted to be there for my children , even my kids know the shit I put up with her and didn’t blame me for walking away. Crazy to say but walking away and not giving her another chance was the best thing I did for myself.

[BetaBucks]

@TheRealPepperPotts of course

[exitseven]

I had s long distance relationship with somebody who live halfway across the country. We met at college in New York and after freshman year we both had to go to different colleges 1500 miles apart. this was before email and video chat. Even phone calls were too expensive to do very often, We wrote letters to each other and visited each other two or 3 times a year.

She really did not put much effort into the relationship. She said she loved me and we had talked about marriage.

I flew out to see her and she showed up at the airport wearing a blue hoodie that was covered in plaster dust. Her long blonde hair was in a weird perm combed to one side,

She told me that she almost forgot I was coming and almost didn;t pick me up. All of a sudden she did not look the same to me. When you are dating you should be on your best behavior. If she was going to forget about me after flying 1500 miles to see her what was she going to be like after we got married. I tried not to think about this but about 4 months later I called her on the phone late one Saturday night and broke up with her.

[BetaBucks]

We don't get to choose what we are attracted to. And bad personalities are bound to ruin any attraction potential anyway. So I don't blame you.

In one of my early LTRs, my ex put on a bunch of weight and started acting like a lunatic. Completely abusive. I lost all attraction to her. I don't think I did anything any response. I probably just stopped sleeping with her. Eventually, she lost all the weight and things improved a bit. But the personality stuff never improved, so the attraction stayed low and the relationship couldn't work out. It ended after far too long.

[alicat2358]

Yes, It's not just that i wasn't attracted to him anymore though, i wasn't in love anymore.

I loved him and cared about him, but wasn't in love and i didn't want to hurt him so i ignored it for years.

If you aren't attracted to your partner anymore, you most likely aren't in love anymore and you should leave them.

Trust me, you'll both be WAY better off. Just let them go.

[Anonymous]

Yes i left my ex husband because i was tired. I still loved him that time and that’s why even thought I was very disappointed, i was still trying not to make any difficult situation for him. Just wanted to leave. that’s why i even offered some money and will helped him with his business if he agree to divorced me. But he kept his ego, he listened his family and being stupid and it makes me paid some lawyers in court. So we divorced and he didn’t get any money. But i never cheat on him. I will bever be with anyone else before i finish a relationship with someone.

[DizzyDesii]

Yes and he wasn't trying to fix it. So i still loved him but everyday i was ready to seek his replacement as fcked up as it sounds

[Finchie40]

That’s not that fucked up Des , most people do the same shit , they just don’t have the balls to say they do. It’s only fucked yo if you go back to them like nothing happened , which a lot of people do that shit as well lol

[Finchie40]

Up not yo lol

[TheLovelyWoman]

I am still figuring that out. I think I love my husband but I am not attracted to him and he is not my happiness and sunshine.

[Finchie40]

You are best to have a sit down talk with him and be honest about your feelings towards him before making any rational decisions, maybe something is missing that you aren’t really sure what it is , it happens to a lot of relationships when the passion and romance you once had for each other slowly fades away. It can happen for a lot of reasons. So you are best to have a sit down talk with him and be honest with him about how you are feeling , Just because we love and a care about someone , it doesn’t mean you have to stay with them

[Maybe_Maybe_not]

What did I do? I glitched, for some months, and when I realized what this glitch meant, aka falling out of love then... I broke up, with the greatest difficulties because I didn't understand what was happening, the meaning of all this.

[Anonymous]

Yeah several of my friends went through this. It's happens when it goes from being in love to roommates. Have to keep that romantic feeling going!

It's work let me tell you and some people have open marriages to keep it spicy.

Looks fade and people change but you have to find ways to stay focused and in love with her. She has to also like you said her personality changed against you

It's work and more work but it can be done. What do you wanna do now? 🤔

[bubblegunnn]

Yah my ex was handsome then after almost 2 years i lost attraction towards him. Maybe because we were ldr and never met irl made me feel bored of the boring relationship

[Finchie40]

You never met?

[bubblegunnn]

Never

[Finchie40]

That’s interesting, you got into a relationship with some you never met in person? No wonder you were bored lol

[Nikki1989]

Looks are not that important. If that is one of the main reasons you are with someone, that relationship will implode sooner or later.

[quickquesocheese]

i ended things. i make it sound easy just typing it out like that. Its definatly not. I might love someone but i love myself more, and therefore prioritse myself.

[Apple1996]

This is why people should never date/marry for looks. It's extremely shallow and will make the relationship not last

[TurboAnon]

I hate the concept of 'losing attraction'. If you're married, it's a lifelong commitment.

[Crazzyyworld]

I blame her. I lost 10 lb for my boy friend. He loves it. My mom still do diet. women should take care of her looks no matter what!

[LiamJHayden]

Love is commitment. Attraction will wax and wane.

[Anonymous]

I was going to ask same question

If I no longer like my wife and don't "fancy" her and have no wish to have sex with her my only choices are
1 wait until that changes
2 divorce

[DrPepper12]

Filial live for family. Yes.

[KpopMusicFan]

Dump them.

[the29thhuman]

Rekindle the love

[Inthelines]

No. I think not.