I told him I had feeling and now he is shutting me out and cutting off contact completely?

[Anonymous]

We've been neighbors for 10 years, and we are both married. We now work together along with my husband. We have never been friendly outside of work. Since I started working with them two years ago he and I have slowly become friendly and this last year he has given me all the clues he has feelings. He began opening up to me about his personal life. He was always doing nice things for me making sure my happiness was a priority. Flirting. Staring and a lot of eye contact. Also a lot of little petty arguments and people make comments like we fight like a married couple. He is also my supervisors boss and my husband answers to him.

A couple weeks ago I let him know I had feelings for him and we talked and agreed nothing could happen and we'd remain friends and keep this between us. I did tell him I'd eventually tell my husband but it was never going to become an issues. I have a good marriage and we have been together 17 years. None of this is his fault. Anyway we ended with him making sure we were good with each other and he said if I needed him text him. We agreed to never speak about it again. He never said he had feelings for me. He never gave me anything. He walked away with the upper hand I feel like. I am the one that should be acting embarrassed and dumb.

Monday came and I acted completely normal and I think he did too. As the days have progressed he's become cold and has begun to pull away and trying to cut all contact. Which I get but he's also not really being nice. He's doing things that feel very personal and mean. But no one would get that except me.

By the way, my husband is completely aware of it all.

[SueShe]

Your marriage does not seem as pristine as you may think it is otherwise you would not have developed feelings for that person. It is an indicator that something is boiling on the inside and that you need to escape from it.

Developing feelings for a person while being in a relationship could be seen as emotional cheating and the guy did the only reasonable thing and that was to put an end the new situation before it degenerates into something uncontrollable. It probably went further than he was willing to let it go.

It is a kind of a form of self-protection and he is basically going back to the times where you barely said "hi" and "bye".

Best is just to continue and let the entire situation get back to how it was before.

[Asker]

Yes I don't disagree. He is doing the right thing. I just think the wrong way. Maybe he thinks if I hate him then... but in the process it's very hurtful.

My marriage is fine. It's me that's the problem. No marriage is pristine. But after 17 years I think I mixed up security with boredom.

[SueShe]

Reading your replies to the other person, I see that your husband is in the clear with the entire issue.

If it is out of boredom that you let yourself into this adventure, maybe now would be a good time to talk with your husband about what both of you can do to get rid of that boredom.

Prepare a list of issues you see in your couple and next to each issue, you bring up a solution that you think could work out. Ask your husband to do a similar list, totally independent from yours. Next you sit together and go over both lists, trying to find a consensus that is acceptable to both. Good luck.

[Nikki1989]

He may be protecting himself from emotional entanglement and potential hurt.

[Asker]

Thank you. Makes sense.

[Iron_Man]

Are you kidding me you’re married don’t even get involved with this guy. I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. I’m not gonna help you cheat on your husband.

[Asker]

I can see and respect where you're coming from. I think I was doing a very condensed version and the point was to clarify yes there were feeling but that there could never be anything else. But instead of just continuing on and stopping the behavior he is now just being very cruel and cold. I get it's a weird dynamic. Also inappropriate. I knew things would have to change and would after revealing this. But I don't know that this extreme is necessary and why.

[Iron_Man]

I think you better separate from your old buddy and focus on fixing your husband‘s marriage

[Iron_Man]

That’s exactly why I don’t like my girlfriend having male friends

[Asker]

You're not wrong. Actually this is 100% something we have always talked about. Never was an affair or a divorce an option. The reason I brought this up is it was getting progressively more obvious and I felt like we then needed it to be talked about, clarified, and figured out. My feelings weren't/aren't love but attraction. I was/am just confused. And before anything progressed I just needed it to stop. But now he just has gone from, thank you for feeling strong enough to tell me and we are good, and this will remain between us, and I appreciate you, to now he is just doing everything he can to just be hurtful. It feels extreme. I'm in no way innocent, but neither is he.

[Iron_Man]

It just sounds too dangerous. The whole thing could relapse. The next thing you know your attraction for him is having an affair that fast. It’s better just to stay away from him. You have your husband you’re already officially married and I don’t even know if you have kids together

[Iron_Man]

if you’re having problems with your husband, go to professional counseling and both of you make an effort to make it work

[Benlovegs]

What does your husband think of all this

[Asker]

I told my husband everything 2 nights ago. He said that it made a lot of sense. He had seen the behavior on the other guys end. He definitely said as I man he could see what he was doing. Because I don't want there to be issues I haven't mentioned what he's doing now. My husband trusts me 100%. I told him everything, left nothing out. He has been aware of most everything the whole time. Maybe some of the context was different but overall he's been aware we talk and I share everything. But the feelings portion I didn't explain that part fully until 2 nights ago. I did explain to him where I think that was coming from. This isn't anything my husband is to be blamed for and I made that clear. We are fine.

[Benlovegs]

Was he okay with all this?

[Asker]

Okay with it all, no. He's not going to allow himself to be played a fool. But nothing happened and I've told him everything. There are other factors that play in to all of this as well. I hope in the big scheme if things this is a hiccup.

[Benlovegs]

So what about your emotions and the fact that your mind is somewhere else. Does he know everything? Would you have acted on this if you had a chance?

[Asker]

He knows everything. Everything I'm able to verbalize I guess. My mind is somewhere trying to figure out this one extreme to another. An affair was never an option. For many many reasons.

[Benlovegs]

So what were the options?

[Asker]

I don't know that there were options. I could have not said anything I guess. I don't know...

[Benlovegs]

I meant options in the affair/ romance

[Asker]

There were no options in the affair romance. I'm not sure why I picked that day to suddenly confront it all but I needed to stop the madness i guess. I wanted to just have the friendship without all the complications. It's hard to put in to words. I didn't know if he'd say he felt the same or not. I didn't care. I just wanted him to know i was feeling a way and...

[In_Trance]

You're fkn married

[Asker]

Yes. We both are.