Would I be wrong to break up after 7 years if he still hasn't proposed?

Question

We've been together for almost 7 years. For the last 2 years, we've occasionally talked about marriage. He says he’s made up his mind and that I’m the one, but he still hasn’t proposed. Honestly, I’m getting tired. I feel like he’s wasting my time. I gave him an ultimatum (not proud of it, but that's where my patience ran out) , and I’m planning to keep my promise to break up if he doesn’t propose before we hit the 7-year mark. I know his reasons are mostly financial, but I’ve never asked for a big ring. I do love him, and I do feel loved. But I’m not going to be a girlfriend for the rest of my life.

WhiteSteve · Accepted Answer

So…a little perspective from a guy approaching Year 18 with a “girlfriend.”

Now, as a preamble, I’ll include the caveat that she’s been dealing with a very tough illness for over ten years now, and she can barely live a normal life or even leave the house, let alone go through the hoops of planning and executing a wedding, and then being a partner in a marriage. But if things were normal like we wish they were, we’d almost certainly be married. I have no aversion to marriage, other than I think people rush into a supposed lifelong commitment WAY too quickly, and it’s strange to me that people get antsy after only 2 or 3 years together when you’re facing down five decades, potentially. But in your case, you’ve put in a good amount of time so I’d be more confident in the long term prospects and this doesn’t sound like a rush-job.

Ok, so here’s my thing: like I said, people move way too fast and I feel like our societal standard for the timeline of courtship to marriage is INSANE, just relative to the size of the commitment and the severity of the consequences of failure.

And it’s fair to mention that, real or imagined, many men largely feel that they stand to lose more in a divorce, so many guys are more apprehensive for a LEGAL commitment. Also, culturally, the wedding is a big show, starring the bride…the groom is a background player, lmao. And this is all fine, but I think the urgency and anticipation of Wedding Day is something that’s built up way more with women than with men, so I just say all this to say women’s excitement for it is a 10, and a guy’s is a 5. It’s not that we don’t want to, but we just aren’t getting hyped up for it since we’re like six years old like girls/women are, haha. Women will be like “Oh my god, let’s get marriiiieeeeddddd!”, and dudes are just like “oh, word? Ok, that’s cool, just let me know what time to show up.”🤣

So when my lady was still well enough to work, she had a job, and of course there were other women at said job, and they’re all up in each other’s business. I just found out one of my close friends of over 25 years has two brothers. Never knew that, lmao. That’s male friendship right there😂 Meanwhile these rando chicks she knew for like two months are all up in her life and business and telling her how she should be doing things and feeling about stuff…. WILD🤦‍♂️😂

So they hear that we’ve been together for like four or five years or whatever it was at the time, and they’re all like “GIIIIIIRRRRRRLLLLLLLL, you need to tell that man to put a ring on it or pack his shit and get out!” Literally have never met me, barely know her, and they’re telling us we’re too slow in our relationship progression. Wasn’t just them either, random assholes always opining about it.

And what’s really funny about the whole thing is that some of these people (some even at the time, and then others, working off of information after that) have dated someone, got engaged way too fast, got married, had a kid, got divorced, started dating someone else, got engaged again, maybe a second kid, and many have already seen or are well on their way to Divorce #2.

All the while, my lady and I are still running strong, not even able to have any physical intimacy for as long as you and your guy have been together, just running off of true love, no fun stuff, while we’ve seen one-, two-, maybe even three-time losers in the marriage game telling US that WE’RE “doing it wrong.” So that kind of amuses me, as much as I don’t wish soured relationships for anyone. But the people yelling advice the loudest have the most fiery crashes.

I guess what I’m saying is: labels are just labels. And “divorce” is just a really complicated and angry break-up. Nothing magically happens when you get married. Nothing has been etched in stone any more than before the ring slid on. You might enjoy some tax breaks, and some social validation from people who just don’t truly get what love and marriage are all about.

I’m WAY more serious about my girlfriend than a lot guys I know are about their wives. I have to shut down uncomfortable conversations with people sometimes who tell me I should leave my girlfriend, that this won’t ever get better, that I’m holding myself back in my own life experience. These are guys with wives, that they’ve known half the time I’ve known my lady. Sounds like they’d bail if the going got tough, ring or not. I have no obligations to stay, yet I’m here. No ring or marriage certificate outweighs that.

So…totally fair to discuss marriage with your man. Absolutely nothing wrong with marriage, or desiring to get married. I’m just saying that, if he’s a good man, you’ve got him. Getting him to marry you doesn’t make him less likely to cheat or fall out of love with you and leave or any of the scary things we of course fear. Think about what you want to be married for, like really “WHY?” Because if relationship security is one of the driving factors, I’m sorry to say it provides very little additional security in that department. 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 100% think it won’t be theirs.

Again, if it’s just a part of making your home as an adult, that’s awesome, but just know what you’re signing up for, and be sure he knows too. None of it means you won’t get sick of each other, none of it means you or he won’t meet some random coworker in three years and “you didn’t plan for it to go this way but the heart wants what the heart wants.” All the terrible stuff we fear is still completely on the table. In fact, we might psychologically be more likely to bite on that sort of thing due to feeling trapped. Hard to say, depends on the individual, and circumstances, etc…. but just another way to say for the umpteenth time that marriage doesn’t give the guarantees that I feel like a lot of people think it does.

I’ll mercifully wrap up here, lmao, but I wish you all the best and I’m sorry for being a Negative Nancy for most of this diatribe, haha, but I’m trying to be bluntly realistic. Bottom line is that you know if you have a good man or not, and while it’s cool to talk marriage, I never like going into “ultimatum” territory, because I don’t think pressured behavior is reliable behavior. Sounds like he may have financial concerns (not the ring, just marriage in general is tough to navigate if you’re fighting about money, that’s a HUGE reason marriages end), so he may just want to be in the best position for your marriage to succeed. No one WANTS to get divorced, ahead of time, anyway, haha. So don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater unless his hesitation over committing is solely based on YOU, and not the overall situation. The wedding lasts one day, then the real challenge begins.

Best of luck to you🙏

ohsheeT · Accepted Answer

Well he has to love you for doing what you just did I mean that takes a strong person to do that
In 7 years is a long time to be waiting

But I agree with you I mean he needs to make up his mind 7 years is way too long

And I mean the strength and the boldness that you took initiative to do this is amazing really

I would hope that he would put a ringer on your finger

But I'm curious if he says no I mean truly be honest what would you do or what is your plan

And I know or I don't know I guess I should say what are your thoughts about you asking him I mean if I was you I would ask him a long time ago if you feel the way that you feel it doesn't need to be the man's job to do this have you ever thought about that or would you rather him ask you that way you can tell everybody he finally asked me to marry him but yeah I'm curious I mean I think it's cool I think it's cool that you are doing what you're doing just to prove a point of who you are and that right there should make him look at you even deeper and say hey she's got it together and she's knows what she wants

Vesuvius87 · Accepted Answer

You need to ask yourself what would you do if you wanted to head to a beautiful resort. Then you're noticing the train you're in right now isn't taking you any further. It's staying in the same station for hours. Would you continue staying on that same station or would you get out of there and take another train? That's your answer.

Your destination is marriage and kids. You're not getting anything but eternal dating status. 7 years is too much indeed. It's quite understandable that he's burning your patience since we don't have unlimited time to have kids in a marriage.

Honestly, I would suggest breaking up and seek for a marriage-minded man. Then do not ever spend more than 2 years as a man's girlfriend; inform him from the beginning that you're dating to get married, not dating to date. Lastly, do not ever do cohabitation ever again since he can get too comfortable and delay things.

Anonymous · Accepted Answer

Instead of sitting around getting pissed off because he isn’t doing what you want, why not ask him?
You’re willing to break up with him because he won’t do something you are unwilling to do yourself. 🤔

Maybe he understands the situation more than you give him credit for.

Love Doctor Brad · Accepted Answer

You're thinking about shaking things up after seven years? Classic move! Everyone deserves clarity—especially after so long. If his hesitation feels like a red flag rather than a pit stop, it's okay to reevaluate what's best for you. Relationships need both love and shared goals to thrive. If you feel like you're in a holding pattern, it's fair to consider a change. Trust your gut; it's your life, and seven years is no small chapter, so make sure the next one makes you happier. Love should never make you wait on forever. 😊

melnc · Answer

I've always wanted to have my own family, so I understand how you feel. If he doesn't want to get married or isn't on the same page as you, it's okay to step away from the relationship. You deserve to be in a relationship that gives you what you're looking for and helps you move toward your future.

AviatorTom · Answer

You have every right to live the life the way you want to live it. Not wanting to be a perpetual girlfriend is completely valid.

You definitely want to be married, so why not propose to him? His reaction will tell you if you should stay together or break up and find someone else to marry.

tzdc21 · Answer

You do realize marriage is a dangerous thing for men nowadays right? With the divorce laws and the stats, it's made many, MANY men reconsider marriage. Some just wanna just stay in relationships and not involve the government since that's where things can get dicey. I'm not saying you better be okay with what he's doing, but you gotta understand that there's WAY more on his plate to overcome and consider of he goes down that route.

Anonymous · Answer

Of course not! You've CLEARLY communicated your desire to be married. If you hadn't done that then I'd I'd have a problem. But you have so the ball is TOTALLY in his court now.

I only have one question for you. Because knowing what I know of human nature, and guys. This is not only conceivable, but also very likely to happen. What are you going to do if you make good on your threat and end it with him and THEN he proposes?

Cutea · Answer

No ,7 years is too long to wait for proposal. On first to 2nd year proposal proposal should already be made

Darklydarkened · Answer

Pff, on one hand, I think marrige is basically a bygone tradition  On the other, you have your own principles and if things go sour after you live by his code, you'd feel yourself used and discarded

PeachyPie93 · Answer

After 3 years if the guy don't propose he just doesn't want to commit to you, you are just the placeholder until someone "perfect" comes along.

Anonymous · Answer

You are way past the proposal & need to be thinking about a wedding date and having kids. Seen this b4, the guy gives his girlfriend a bone by giving her an engagement ring and wastes another 10 years of her life.

SuchSightsToShowYou · Answer

Give him an ultimatum. Tell him you want to be married in a year, or both of you should move on.

He'll either say yes, and you'll get your marriage. Or he'll say no, and you'll get your freedom.

Good luck.

RingOfFire · Answer

It's highly unlikely he'll ever marry you if he hasn't gotten serious about it yet. So if marriage is a deal breaker for you I think your only option if he doesn't agree to it now is to move on.

Dargil · Answer

If you have a vision for marriage and family, no, it is not. You are wasting your youth for nothing.

AhmetHasanCan · Answer

long time. People even get bored and divorce after being married for 5-6 years. Be firm and resolute, and say that if you don't marry by this spring you will leave

itsannalee · Answer

You aren’t not his priority, so at least be the priority for yourself.

Nikki1989 · Answer

Nothing worse than an immature, insecure man with commitment issues.

XPhoenixX · Answer

You're right, find a partner who will make you happy and stay away from those who drain you.

AManOnTheWeb · Answer

The answer is simple: propose to him.

WhitneySnow · Answer

I agree with you

Malwi93 · Answer

he may just not want marriage

KrakenAttackin · Answer

Why do you have to be married?

notCryHONEY · Answer

I beg you, leave

LiamJHayden · Answer

Nope.

Would I be wrong to break up after 7 years if he still hasn't proposed?

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