What do you do in the process of separation?

[Anonymous]

Husband is very manipulative, demeaning, a cheater, and a non-present father. I've tried to leave before but always somehow find myself forgiving and getting roped back in. This time I'm determined for it to be different. My 2 kids are under 5yrs old. We have a lot of debts, which I can't afford alone, and I have to be very careful to not anger him or tip him off that I want to divorce until it is actually inotion and I have things ready. But I don't know the process.

He is insisting we do couple's therapy and I told him I'd try 2 sessions with him and by then I should be able to tell if there's even any point. I do love him but I know I also have to put my foot down eventually and stand up for myself and the kids. I still plan to divorce regardless, bc I'm sure he'll tell the therapist one thing and then redact or manipulate it when he's alone with me. It's to the point I have no sense of reality. He has been my only relationship and intimate partner ever.

I'm just not sure how to get things going so that I'm ready soon to kick him to the curb, without fucking up the finances or leaving us homeless. I can't think straight rn. I guess I'm just trying to get my thoughts out I don't know if this makes sense

I'm trying to save up and split accounts but also if I do that, then he might get angry that I appear to be getting closer to divorce than repairing things. I don't really get time away from him except for today bc I snuck out of work and didn't tell him.

[HollyK21]

All this scheming makes you sound like a woman fleeing domestic abuse and not just ultimately having a hard time letting go.


I won't get into details about how I can relate since you may not even reply but let me just say: there will never be a right time to leave. If it’s not your finances it’ll be the kids, his/your mental health or basically always something.


Every step you mention wanting to take towards divorce puts you one step forward, yet all the ways you want to hide your plans puts you two steps back. Therapy isn’t just a means to an end when you still love the person you’re trying to leave and still have hope for the relationship deep down.


You’re paranoid about saving money or doing anything that would cue him into your plan, so little to no progress is being made there. All this to say, I just think you need to pick a lane and stick to it. If you believe your marriage is worth one last shot then commit to that decision fully, which means more than 2 sessions of therapy (bc let’s be real that isn’t going to scratch even the surface of your issues) and putting your divorce plans into a mental box in the garage.


If you are past all that because you seem to know how the therapy would fail and know he will probably cheat, lie and all that other stuff again (aka it’s no longer an IF but a WHEN), then commit to that. Don’t engage his guilt tripping or any of that and let him go be free since he may likely go do that again anyway.


So if you’re gonna leave, then just do it. If you both have joint debt, that can be settled in court or on paper (the route I’m familiar with). Neither of you will be homeless, he’d never let it get to that point with kids. Like I said, never a good time, there will always be an excuse or reason to stay, so you’ve got to stop making them when you don’t have to.

[Asker]

I agree with you on this. I do need to pick a lane but I can't just fully announce I'm going for divorce and split the finances right away and make motion to split bc that means one of us will have no place to stay. He's very methodical and devious if set off. His name is on the house, and most of the debt in my name. If i stop paying it will tank my credit and possibly be pursed by court, although I'd get to save money to get a residence. But I can't just make the decision and have it happen right away bc there's so many loose ends that have to be tied and I'm not prepared financially to handle alone. I've been with this man since I moved out of my parents house and then they moved States away. I now have kids and no other people to turn to. I can't just flip the switch. That's why I'm trying to see if I can even tolerate therapy with him. I know for a fact from knowing his behavior and manipulation for so long that there will still be signs and flags indicating if it's a waste of time by the 2nd session. It doesn't have to get deep for me to be able to get cues. I was basically just using the therapy as a way to hold him off till I can make an escape plan. If I even can.

[DawnB]

2 sessions is not enough time if you really want to make it work you will need more time then that. Good luck to you and your family

[Oliverlogan263]

Whoa, girl, that sounds like such a heavy and complicated situation you're going through. I can see why you're feeling so overwhelmed and unsure about the next steps. Having a manipulative, cheating, and absent husband while also trying to protect your kids and finances is a lot to juggle.

The fact that you're determined to make this separation stick this time is really admirable. You deserve so much better than how he's been treating you. I know it's not easy, especially since he's your only real relationship, but putting yourself and your kids first is the right call.

As for the process, I would suggest trying to gather as much documentation and information as you can, without tipping him off. Open a separate bank account that he doesn't have access to, make copies of important financial documents, and start saving up what you can. That way, when you're ready to make the move, you'll have a bit of a safety net.

The couple's therapy sessions could be a good way to gauge where his head is at, but I totally understand your skepticism about him being honest. Trust your gut on that one.

Maybe see if you can confide in a trusted friend or family member who can help support you through this transition. Having an extra set of eyes and ears could be really helpful. And don't be afraid to reach out to domestic violence organizations - they often have resources and guidance for situations like this.

I know it feels impossible right now, but you've got this, girl. Take things one step at a time, and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Your kids and your wellbeing are the priority here. Sending you all the strength and courage!

[Jeff51]

If things are going south. I would separate the saving and checking account