How do you deal with separation?

[Anonymous]

My wife and I separated out of necessity for family business - I have to focus on our interests in the US - and not because we actually wanted to split up since last October. In addition to my usual work I am also pursuing business opportunities for her business abroad.

Everything seems good and we get along perfectly, there's been no arguing and when we see each other she's all over me. Problem is, we last saw each other over a month ago, when we call and videochat she mostly talks about business, when I come home I feel more like a guest and likewise when she finally agreed to visit me she behaves like a guest. When she came to my villa she said I have a more beautiful and bigger garden and decorating than "hers" - I told her that's her home too if she wants to but she said it's "mine" as if to imply our other home is "hers".

I said it clearly that this situation is not making me feel very comfortable, she insists I need to "hold on" and that she'll make it up to me and that she's thankful for all the work I am doing for her. My mother and other people say I'm being paranoid and/or too anxious, but I still feel not alright.

[AviatorTom]

In my career, I traveled a lot, often away from hone fir months st a time. My wife, kids and I kept in contact via phone calls. During those calls, we always talked about how we were doing, never about business. And when I got home, we had this rule the neither my wife nor I talked about business. We always had a date, just the two of us, where we talked about everything, but not about business. And we had sex, often.

I'm not saying this was an ideal situation, but it worked for us, for many years.

[Screenwriter]

Did she act this way when you were living together? I mean, is there a difference from before and after the separation? It sounds like it.

If there IS, then you have to have an in-person discussion with her about how you feel.

In the meantime, I suggest you see a therapist because it doesn't sound like this situation is going to go away soon, correct? You're looking at being apart a year or so, with on and off visits?

This sounds like a miserable way to have a marriage. You're uncomfortable, seems like you now have two households and she's calling one yours and the other hers... It's odd. Almost like it's going to stay like this?

I'd be worried too. Find a therapist who'll support you through this separation and give you some ideas about how to talk to your wife about your feelings. Good luck.

[midnightmoon05]

Perhaps ask for her input of this new home. Ask for her touch/décor ideas.
when that happens, put some pictures of her, the family, you both … “look at our home honey… guess what’s missing? You!! And the kids!!!
call it our home… and say can’t wait till we are all together?
when will she/the family move to the US? how often do you see each other since October?
when I was doing Long distance with hubby then bf… we saw each other every other weekend (the most 3 weeks apart) 9 hour drive or 2 hour flying.
that took 4 years then we both purchased a home together then moved in.

[lightbulb27]

Good idea to engage her in decisions! Your concerns aee real… dont want business to consume and create division. It not worth it.

[NathanDavis]

don't you run a small country yourself?

now you're running multiple business around the world?

how can you run all of that... but it seems like you don't do the same with your relationship/marriage... you say that, when you call and videochat it is mostly her talking business...

your relationship should not be about "business"

did you marry for love? or is she just a trophy wife? if you actually love her and many things about her, then make things happen, either inspire her or lead her to focus on your relationship... the rest of your life is all business

if she doesn't see you as her priority anymore is because you're not making her your priority either... be responsible of your own relationship, don't just let it go adrift

[OlderAndWiser]

It's normal that you don't feel okay about a prolonged separation from your wife. Do you have a particular fear? That you will grow apart, or one of you will be tempted to have an affair?

[Asker]

Honestly, it feels like she's acting like as if she's a single woman.

[OlderAndWiser]

What is she doing that bothers you?

[Asker]

Some days she "doesn't have time" to talk. She cancelled plans more than once.

[OlderAndWiser]

This is a time when you both need to make more effort to keep your relationship strong. Making less effort would greatly concern me. Have you discussed this specific concern with her?

[Asker]

We talked about this and she even apologized but so far the situation has not changed.

[OlderAndWiser]

Perhaps you should remind her that "amore" is not just a word that you say, but it is a way that you treat someone.

[Asker]

I agree.
She says she's too engrossed with work, but sometimes it feels like she just doesn't want me around.

[OlderAndWiser]

Tell her that you feel that way. Perhaps she needs to be shocked into realizing that she has become complacent in your relationship.

[Staximus]

You both need to take a step back and think about how much money is actually necessary to provide for your family. How much of your lives is wasted on making unnecessary money? Time that could be spent with your family that you'll never get back. Take my brother's boss for example- the guy is like 85 years old and still working all the time. He doesn't need to work, he has like a hundred million dollars. He needs to chill the fuck out already and retire, relax and take his family on a goddamn vacation or something.

[Staximus]

It's like working just to work or making money just to make money or struggling just to struggle, what's the fucking point?

[Staximus]

Try to relax and don't think about it so much. Don't live inside your head too much or jump to conclusions, you'll drive yourself crazy. Just give it some time and see what happens.

[Staximus]

I understand your anxiety, though. Do you think she's going to let you build up some big income for her and then take you to the cleaners?

[Staximus]

Or tell her "I'm tired of all this business stuff, we don't need all that money, I'm stressed out and want to relax a little bit" and see what her reaction is. The thing that has me worried here when you said "In addition to my usual work I am also pursuing business opportunities for her business abroad." Are you going to benefit financially from helping to build her business or is she going to keep all the money?

[Staximus]

I have a friend whose wife has the attitude of "your money is our money but my money is my money" and he's 110% fucked

[Asker]

Thank you for your answer.
I actually co-own her business so I have my share too, but it was her project to begin with. She's never had that attitude towards money so far.

[Miristheiss]

I wouldn't do that. I don't do long distance. I would never have married anyone who travels for work. I would have dumped them if they took a job requiring them to travel.

That just isn't the lifestyle I want to live and I won't live that way. So, you two are married and willingly took on a job or situation requiring you to live in different places most of the time? You guys accepted that. You have to deal with it now.

Otherwise change jobs if your job is trying to require this.

[Anonymous]

You should talk with get about this, not ask us. But I think you are just being paranoid…

[Asker]

If you say so...

[MrChinaski]

Agreeing a fair settlement takes a lot of the heat out, at least in my experience. So long as you are fighting about money, it is hard to be friends.

[MrChinaski]

My wife asked for $500,000. Eventually we agreed $450,000. Was it worth hating each other for a year over a matter of $50,000. I don't know. But it is what happened.

[red-lipstick-girl]

I think you and your wife could not be a couple because you act like two strangers. This is not a normal situation. Constantly talking about business tires and upsets people.