What do I do next?

[Anonymous]

Im in this kind of «hopeless situation» right now, and in need of some advice. I have been getting these urgent/intrusive thoughts about my ex lately. It feels like i miss him, the relationship and connection we had, and some part of me longs back to that. I wonder how he is, I remember how sad he was the last day, and caught myself looking at an old message on my phone from him. I feel so bad about having these thoughts because I am in a relationship now (so why do i have them?), and also stupid because some part of me feels like wanting to be with him again. I try to think if there is a reason behind the sudden intrusion. There was some issues between my ex and I that we tried to work out for about a year (he didn't want kids, to be married,, wanted me to become more fit etc.), but I broke up with him in the end.

My current partner of 4 months has a kid and a bad history with his ex (she doesn’t want my partner to be with his son at all) so I feel like some parts of it all makes me unsure, i have these questions about what happened between them. He has told me a lot, I trust him, and I got the impression she’s not well, and does not want his ex to know about me, in fear of what she would say, which I find weird but I don't know. I also wonder if he really understands me as a person; he wants me to talk about my problems and wants me to be happier, which I understand and are working on, but I think it’s hard to hide so much of myself. I want this to work, but I feel so unsure about the future and how it’s going to be. I already know why my ex and I broke up, but some part of me wonder if it was right. We don’t have any contact and I would obviously never contact him or anything, out of respect for my boyfriend and myself. If I was single, I would probably be tempted.

I am starting to wonder if I rushed too soon into a new relationship, but at that time I felt ready for it.. I am so anxious I don’t know what to do here. Please come with advice, thanks.

[HollyK21]

I’d say to just be single for a while to figure yourself out, because even if it wasn’t too soon, i just don’t think you feel as secure as you should in the relationship. Sometimes that could be your intuition. However I wouldn’t use being single as the green light to hit up your ex, because you really shouldn’t. I know in some rare cases, going back to an ex works out. 9/10 though, you’re better off without them and you’re just having weak moments.

[Asker]

You’re probably right. But at the same time I am always indecisive about what I want, questioning the future and feeling insecure. I don’t know if I have to just accept that, and I do love this guy I’m with, so maybe I should just be with him and figure it out as we go. Or else I couldn’t be with anyone until I’m sure, and that may not happen. I just wonder if the thoughts about the ex will ever disappear, or if they are just going to be there; reminding me of the things that was. Which happened for a reason, but makes me honestly so sad and interferes with how I’m living my day to day.

[Nikki1989]

Your last relationship ended for a reason. You can't compare a fantasy of what it could have been to the reality of what your current relationship is. The two are entirely different.