Boyfriend didn't call after big fight, is it over?

[Anonymous]

I have a big fight with my boyfriend. Prior to the big fight, he was supposed to give me a call. But since it was rather late and I wanted to go to sleep, I decided to call him first but when he answered the call he said he was doing something and would call back later. So I said OK. Usually when he said he would call back later, it would take him an hour or two to call back. So, I decided to go to my messenger while waiting for his call. To my surprise he was online and I suspected he was chatting with girls. I was so angry because I thought he was busy with his work and couldn't talk to me on the phone. I sent him a rather sarcastic message on the messenger and log off. I expected him to call immediately but he didn't. I waited like half an hour then I sent him a text to ask whether he was still chatting and also asked him why he said he was doing something when I called. I said he made me wait while he was chatting with someone and that all I get from him was sh*t. He called immediately and started to ask me why I said that. He said he was chatting with his sister overseas but I don't buy that because he told me his sister never go online. So I bluntly told him he was not telling me the truth. We argue over the phone and finally I said if you are treating like a second best then might as well just called it quit. He said it up to me. I was so angry that I said it again it was over between us and he said " I don't want to talk about this now, call you tomorrow". The next morning I called him to ask how he was and he said he was OK and I also asked him what he thought about us not together anymore. He said the same thing and also said maybe I will call you tonight which is the first time he said maybe he will call. And up to now, he has not call yet or even never want to call. I don't know whether we are still in a relationship or should I call him or should I wait for his call.

[Layla8]

Okay, I agree with what our only male commentator so far has said. Lots of assumptions on your part which whirled around in your head and resulted in reacting emotionally rather than rationally and logically. That reaction was an over reaction. We all do this sometimes.
I cannot see that he did anything wrong on this occasion to warrant you breaking up with him or threatening to. The truth is you did not mean it and it was a bit immature if we're being honest. You sent him the text because you were angry and to get a reaction. He did by calling you. He cared enough to do that. Note, he did not agree to breakup. He said he did not want to talk about it right then. You called the next morning and he still picked up your call. You also said it usually takes him an hour or two to return your call. He told you he was busy. Well from what I can see he was, even if you assumed it was work, he did not say it was work, he said he was doing something. You also assumed/concluded he was chatting to girls when he was on messenger. I mean you also went on messenger. Maybe he could also assume you were chatting to guys... why couldn't he? Trust.
You clearly care about this guy, but you also need to care about yourself and focus on your own life and looking after yourself. I mean, it was late and you were tired. He said he'd call, if he didn't when you were ready for bed, a simple message : "sorry babe, I'm tired, going to sleep chat tomorrow, xx" would have done it. 1. It shows you are not over available to him and it gives you control of yourself and your life. 2. He will realise this too and will pay more attention and know that though he's important to you, you are important to yourself and you have self-worth. 3. You threatened to break up because he did not call, that is a serious thing. 4. Apologise (you behaved badly- clingy, obsessive accusatory, jealously), then give him some space/time 3-4 days. 5. Future- focus on you and stop chasing after/waiting on him in all the time

[Eiffelgirl21]

It sounds like he is just stubborn.

I think he still wants to be with you, but he doesn't want to be rejected by telling you he does.

Also, he is probably still a little embarrassed that you 'caught' him online instead of 'working'...When guys are embarrassed, they tend to avoid us for a while.

Sounds to me like there are 2 problems:

1) He is stubborn and won't communicate with you



2)You are being too hard on him. Unless he gives you a reason, you need to trust him. Also, if he is busy, maybe he just isn't ready to talk. How would you feel if he expected you to talk when he was ready to talk all the time? Maybe you are trying to use the bathroom? Maybe you don't feel good? Maybe you want to browse online? Maybe you forgot to sign off? Who knows. The reasons are infinite. I just think, you should not jumo to conclusions. Also, give him some space. When he is ready to talk, he will be ready. But, forcing him will not help, and it will make things worse. <<I mean that when trying to talk at night and such. And, really forcing in general never works for the good.

If I were in your situation, I would apologize for overreacting. And, tell him that I realize he needs his own space and I cannot expect him to jump when I want to jump.

[Asker]

He still answer my calls when I called him after the fight but he just kept the conversation short and no more gentleness in his voice like always. I'm not being hard on him, in fact I gave him all his freedom but he always kept me waiting for his calls when he said I will call you later. When he did call, it would be just to say, how was your day, OK I'm tired and want to go to sleep, love u, call you tomorrow? But when I caught him online when he supposed to be working, I just lost control.

[Eiffelgirl21]

you are being too hard on him. you should NEVER just wait for him to call. Do your own thing, and IT IS HIS LOSS if you fall asleep. Maybe you should start trying that...and he will learn his lesson for making you wait. You will never win by yelling or 'nagging' as they say. But, by doing something in regards to what they are doing without them thinking you did it on purpose is when you will win and get your point across.

[Asker]

I think I will not wait for his call anymore when he said he will call. I will just do my own thing or just go to sleep when I feel sleepy. I don't want to be too available to him anymore.

[Eiffelgirl21]

exactly. that is how you should be. then he might wake up one day.

[Leamonade]

Let's see what we have here.

You obviously do not trust him.

He is not ready to COMMUNICATE with you about this to solve it. Basically, he's just dodging the discussion for whatever reason. Either he doesn't care.. or I don't know.

These two do not mesh well. Honestly, I suggest you stop calling and take a break from it all. If he's ready to contact you, he will. You showed him that you were willing to talk several times and he passed that offer. Too bad for him.

[Asker]

He said he want to focus on his work and didn't want to talk about it. It is so irritating and confusing for me.

[Leamonade]

He obviously doesn't feel like he did anything wrong, and is expecting you to grovel at his feet begging for him to come back. OR he just doesn't give a f***.

Seriously, forget about him. Don't give in and chase him. Find someone worth your time.

[Asker]

I tend to agree with you on this one. Many times we argued, I realized one thing, even if he was at fault, he would make it looked like I was the one who was at fault. Sometimes he would say sorry but most of the time, I was the one who would admit wrong and apologize.

[Anonymous]

You assumed (and are still assuming) that he treated you poorly. On the other hand it is a FACT that yoi treated him poorly. See the difference? Lots of women don't. You guys might be over, but make no mistake, same crap will happen again with your next guy. Might me over something else, but if you shoot from the hip and treat your guy like sh*t it'll happen again and again, and you'll end up blaming all these "jerks". Time to recognize your faults and apologize for your behavior. If he's a nice guy he'll apologize for his mistakes too. But you started this sh*t, not him.

[Asker]

There are some things that I don't disclose here about him. I didn't treat him poorly but he treated me as though I am just an option when he ran out of girls to contact. To be honest, he only calls when he wanted something and that is when he is so lovey dovey, never miss calling me back and calls me everyday until he got what he wanted. why I am still with him you might wonder? Because I am in denial. Some people can tolerate it in the name of love and sadly, I am just one of them.

[Opinion Owner]

I didn't expect you to get it. Most women will never realize and admit their mistakes, and forget about apologizing, that's not even realistic. When I was young and stupid I was always telling the truth to my gfs and apologized and tried to be fair. Until I realized most women NEVER admitted their own sh*t to me, even less apologized to me. Basically I was the guilty party by default. Lots of guys feel like I do. Why? Because lots of girls do what you do. Fairness is a 2-way street.

[Asker]

everybody is unique in there own way...your past bad relationships probably because you chose beauty over personality. I apologized ever readily even if it wasn't my mistake just because I don't want to hold grudges. I admit my mistakes, accept apologies when I am hurt so bad by them. Is it fair to try and please someone you love only to know your loved ones is taking you for granted? Is it fair when you have invested emotion, times and money in a relationship only to be taken as an option?

[Opinion Owner]

You still haven't commented on the case at hand. You assumed he was doing something wrong, you treated him poorly as the result. True or not? Do you plan on admitting that part and apologizing to him about it? Yes or no?

The rest I can't judge.

[Asker]

I make many mistakes in my relationship with him i.e. accusing without enough evidence, angry because he didn't call back when he said he would, got pissed off when he prefer to talk to his friends rather than talking to me and in his free time, always going out to pub with friends. I'm selfish right? Well, is it fair that I'm always available for him, rain or shine and he just take me for granted? When I did the same not picking up or returning his calls, he got angry. Now, is that fair?

[minda294]

2 main rules for any relationship:

1) Communication is key. If you're not sure if your relationship is over, talk about it WITH HIM and figure it out.

2) Don't be clingy/obsessive/accusatory. That one's a big no no. If you feel like he's lying, see rule number 1.

[Asker]

I have called him and talked about our relationship but he refused to give an answer. all he said was I don't want to talk about it now. Yeah, probably I am clingy/obsessive/accusatory but what is your advice on my next course of action? He didn't call yet when he said maybe he call later...should I call him or text him?

[minda294]

When did you guys have the fight?

[Asker]

Yesterday.

[minda294]

Ah. In that case, give it a few days. He needs time to calm down and let his mind clear out. Guys don't usually handle stress well, and certainly not the same way as women. Don't talk to him for a few days, I'd say 3 or 4, and then call him and tell him that you'd like to talk and try to work things out. Don't be forceful, be open and welcoming and calm.

[Eiffelgirl21]

very true

[Asker]

What should I do if after few days, I call and he doesn't pick up my calls? He always does that each time we argued. I guess its a sign that the relationship no longer exist?

[minda294]

That's when you get a hold of him SOMEHOW and say, "Listen. If you're serious about our relationship, we need to talk things through and get through this mess. I'm not giving you an option."

[Asker]

He sent me a text message yesterday, just to say good night, I love you. So I called him and asked how he was and he said he was fine. I apologized for being accusatory and angry with him. He said its OK baby and he also said you are always like that. He told me he was worried about his work but didn't mention about our relationship. Its like nothing had ever happened between us. What do you think?

[minda294]

If you're seriously interested in this guy/love him and want to be with him, I would say just brush it off and maybe bring it up in a few days to talk about. If you guys work things out, just remember the 2 rules I mentioned for future reference. If you guys fight again and he pushes everything off and doesn't talk about it, I would end it. He obviously isn't following rule number 1.

[Asker]

Thank you so much for your advices.

[minda294]

You're most certainly welcome. :)