My new boyfriend is so busy and stressed! Advice much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend and I have been together just over a month, and I've known him for about 2 1/2 months. He started a new job which is very, very demanding of his time about a week after we became official. Since then he's been more distant, we haven't seen each other in over two weeks and I find it really hard to stay in contact with him without feeling like I'm annoying him. We were used to talking every day, we saw each other often while we were dating (though not excessively), he was so loving and affectionate and we knew we would be in this for the long haul, that was very clear from early on. He is very apologetic about being so busy now, although he doesn't seem like his normal self, and I've tried to be understanding and supportive. I suggested I just back off for a while and let him get on with work, as I know this is only going to be temporary for the next couple of months. My question is, could it be that he's already losing interest in me or am I just imagining it? He doesn't seem to want to make plans or bothered about seeing me, although I know how busy he is, he works late into the night and constantly on the go. Am I taking this too personally when it isn't even really about me? How do I know he still cares? I feel like we haven't been together long enough to handle this amount of time apart but I don't want to back down over something like this. What should I do, if anything?

[DanAG]

This is about work and nothing personal about you or the relationship. Working long hours can be all consuming. You just want to get off work, relax a little and go to bed. It can be extremely straining on a relationship.

If it's only for a couple of months you can just wait it out. Don't put him under any pressure to give you more time, he has enough pressure already. I don't know how many hours he's working but people can get very irritable and blow up at the slightest things. Pressure from you might cause him to blow and say things he doesn't mean.

I've been in companies where everyone was so stressed out that we had to be careful about everything we said, and we had to just ignore other people when their tempers blew. One time I just walked up to a guy's cube and tapped on the door, and he just blew up at me. He had his back to me and didn't even know who I was or what I wanted. You just have to let it go and try not to blow up back.

To give an idea how bad it can get, I've been in companies where I literally hated wasting the time to go to the bathroom.

I don't know about the rest of your relationship, but the work part is definitely not about you.

One thing you might try. He'll still be taking lunch breaks, so you might try asking if he wants to meet for a quick lunch somewhere. (he might also work while eating)

Just give him a lot of space and have patience. And don't be surprised if it lasts longer than 2 months.

[Asker]

Thanks. His career is so important to him, and I understand that. I told him (through fb since we literally can't get time to see each other) that I'm happy to give him space until this settles down etc. I'm just worried that given the amount of time we have actually been a couple, whether the relationship can handle this much time apart. He does seem sorry about it all, but maybe I'm taking his stress to mean him being disinterested because he seems so much less affectionate.

[zxmmsl]

I am in the same situation with you. My girlfriend is always very busy! The longest time we did not see each other is 6 weeks, though we kept in touch via texts. I understand it is very hard, as we are not sure whether they are really too busy, or they just lose interest.

So, I really think it is a lesson we need to learn from this. I told myself that, there is no use to worry if she has lost interest and decided to break up with me, and there is no need to worry if she is really busy with her study. In a word, I should not worry.

So, let's wait and see.

[dkponpoko99]

what kind of texting habits did you guys have during those 6 weeks? I'm in a similar situation right now and I haven't seen my gf for a month. she'll always respond to my texts quickly but won't initiate conversations..

[PhilaPenn]

Having a demanding job that sucks will make anyone seem distant. I've been there. I wouldn't worry. UNLESS, this demanding job is a managerial position for the Abercromie & Fitch company...in which case, there will be a bunch of hot girls working around him and trying to bang him.

[yaddayaddayadda02]

I think you need to evaluate if you want to be treated as a second/third/fourth priority in his life. I can understand a stress of a new job, but let's be honest...no job requires you to ignore the rest of your life when you start it.

[DanAG]

"let's be honest...no job requires you to ignore the rest of your life when you start it."

You've obviously never worked at a company that has mandatory 14-16 hour days, 6 days a week, plus a "short" 12 hour Sunday. Add in getting ready for work, commute time, buying gas and a few groceries, a short wind down time before going to bed, and you are down to 6-7 hours a day for everything else including sleep. That's above average hours, but not unheard on in a technology start up company.

[nicenthic]

Most likely, he's banging other chicks and pretending to be busy/stressed.

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend was so, that's bad !