Ex-girlfriend used me as a reference for a job, what should I do?

I dated a girl for only a month, and she broke up with me. That was three weeks ago, and since then she calls me every day and talks a lot but says she isn't ready for a relationship right now and needs to figure herself out first, she had been acting depressed for a few weeks. Anyway, I am not sure if we will get back together or not, but even though she broke up with me, she still calls me all the time.

Anyway, she told me last week she was making a new resume and cover letter to apply for some new jobs. She also told me this weekend that one of the places she dropped her resume off at on Friday gave her an interview for today at 9 am. That is all she told me about it really, other than the type of place she was applying at (nursing home).

Today at 11 am I got a call from a number I didn't recognize and didn't answer. They didn't leave a voice mail. I google searched the number, and it was a nursing home which was 2 blocks from my ex-girlfriends house. It is a different city than the one I live in, I don't know anyone in a nursing home, and there is no other reason for them to call me. It is also two hours after she told me her interview was. She is at work until later tonight so I can't ask her what is going on. She also never told me she was using me as a reference or asked me if she could.

So is it just me or is really odd that she would list an ex-boyfriend who she broke up with and has only known for 2 months total as a reference? And what should I do? Should I tell the place if they call back that I am not qualified to give a reference for her? I mean beside talking to her on the phone, I only really know her in a dating context, I can't really speak to how she is at work or anything. I also don't think she handled our breakup well and think she is suffering from possible depression, so I don't know what I would answer to some of the questions they asked me. Or should I just ignore the call again if they call back? I am really confused as to why she would list me.


Most Helpful Guy

  • It's basic common courtesy to inform a person when they are being used as a reference. That way, you can prepare what to say about the person. If she didn't even tell you, that tells a little about her personality as being inconsiderate.

    A reference is not just you saying she's great. It is your personal seal of approval (or disapproval) that the person is qualified and a good fit for a job. I have no problem saying what I think about the person in a reference call or letter. If I gave a thumbs up to everyone who asked me for a reference when I didn't think they were awesome, I am putting my own reputation on the line.

    Perhaps that's not important if you're not in the same industry as her. But it IS important if you're a professional, like a registered nurse, engineer, doctor...etc. Those circles are small, and repetitive crap references will be spread in office gossip and you'll look the fool.

    My suggestion...don't answer it. If she asks if you got a call, simply tell her you don't answer unknown numbers and that she should tell you that you're being used as a reference first.


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What Girls Said 2

  • I see 3 options.

    1: if you want to maybe get back together, lie for her.

    2: Be honest.

    3: Keep dodging until at least she talks to you about it.

    Personally, I'd go with one of 2 or 3...

  • yeah, she could have used somebody she knew better.If they ask you something just answer honestly or in the way that you would like somebody to answer for you.


What Guys Said 6

  • She needs a personal reference, probably, and maybe she she listed you on her resume before you broke up.

    Not answering their call would pretty much amount to giving her a bad reference. I'd return the call and just wing it. It would be OK to say you don't know about her job performance, since she is listing you as a personal reference, in all likelihood.

    They'll ask you what your relationship was, and mostly want to know if she is honest and dependable; they may want to know if she seems depressed. Unless you think she is clinically depressed, I wouldn't use that word to them; it would sink any chance for her. If she's just sad or down, well, hey, she's still going through a break-up, after all.

    I'd give her all the breaks I could' after all, there must be some good qualities you can mention, or you wouldn't have been in a relationship.

    If this seems iike too much pressure, ask her to take you off her resume. It is a little strange to use a 3 month boyfriend as your personal reference..but then agan, maybe she thought you were forever at the time she made the resume.

  • Who's to say this was even the reason they were calling you? Sounds like you're just assuming things right now unless you've actually talked to them, or her to know what's going on...It might have just been her calling you from there, using a phone there...

  • A few possible reasons:

    It could be that the resume with the references she gave are outdated and she forgot to update it by taking your name off the list. I'm putting out resumes like crazy and there have been plenty of times I forgot to update a few changes when I sent them out.

    Maybe she still trusts you enough to give her a good word even though the relationship didn't work out. And possibly feels that a friendship is still possible.

    • He stated she wrote the resume last week though. And they only know each other for 2 months total, so forgetting to update the resume doesn't sound like a good enough reason...

    • I must have misread that part

  • Wow this girl is the con artist of the century. Sounds like the typical scenario where she dated you, didn't feel it, but knew she could play and hot and cold to keep you around for favors like this. That's on top of the fact that its simple poor practice to list a reference without letting that person know. So she's at fault for that mistake as well.

    I would simply just tell that the girl is simply a recent ex Girlfriend whom you've only known for a few months and don't feel qualified in making any assessments. You can then apologize to them and explain that you were unware you had been put down as a ref.

  • This has nothing to do with you... She needs a job, do you want to help her, yes or no? Funny thing is if you give her a good reference that might make her happy (you said she was depressed, right?) put aside all the questions and what you want for yourself and help the girl that's feeling a little lost. You never know, she might find out and be great full. That's the thing about people who are sad, they feel lost and alone until someone gives them a break and sometimes that's all it takes to make someone open up a little.

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