My boyfriends' mom dying, stress at work.. dumped me all of a sudden. WTH?

[Anonymous]

my boyfriend has a very stressful job, his mom is dying from cancer, he's been hit financially and he's very stressed.

He suddenly broke up with me, saying that he can't support me emotionally, he needs less stress and he's not feeling it?

I feel that he's not thinking straight, I Haven't texted him in 2 days to give him space

Would this be considered a temporary outburst and not mean to break up with me? would if be that he'd come back?

[Anonymous]

Same exact thing happened with me and my boyfriend... we have broken up twice due to his inability to cope with stress even though I offer quite a lot of support to him. He has mentioned that he has never been with someone who cares about him as much as I do, but still he feels the need to handle his stress alone.

I think our situations are happening because men have this idea that they need to be strong all the time and when they can't be strong, then there is something wrong with them and it is a huge blow to their ego, especially when it involves work. Men tend to identify their worth and status from work, just like women identify with our looks. Maybe he rashly ended things because he no longer felt worthy of a relationship. We may never know the true story. All I can say is that you are not alone.

My (ex) boyfriend is in a bad place due to stress at work, not being over a previous relationship, as well as family issues. I would even go so far and say that he is depressed due to several symptoms he has been showing lately too. If your boyfriend is depressed, then he is not in his right state of mind and you need to be extra understanding and patient if you want to get back together. Try googling something like "my boyfriend is depressed" to help you understand his frame of mind right now.

As for the plan of action, I would recommend something similar to what I have been doing. First I sent him a text saying, "Thinking of you... I hope you're doing well. I understand you are going through a hard time and aren't ready for a relationship right now and that's OK. I care about you as a person, and if what you need is a friend, then I'll be a friend. Like I said before, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for you. Miss you." He really liked that and thanked me for being so understanding. I then stuck to my word, I didn't text him and I gave him space. So far we have been "broken up" for almost a week and we haven't gone more than 2 days without talking. He has initiated conversation several times. When your guy reaches out to you (and he will, just be patient) keep it light, positive, fun, and short to make it clear that you won't bring any new stress into his life at this time. Remember, he is not in his normal frame of mind due to the stress, so don't have any expectations right now. Just go day by day and enjoy your time with him, when he does reach out.

Good luck! :)

[Asker]

I'm worried if I tell him I want to be his friend, he will never want to get back together

[Opinion Owner]

I'm just saying that is what I did, I've made it quite clear that I want to get back together but I don't think it's the right time for him. Do whatever you feel comfortable, but I highly recommend letting him know that you are here for him.

[Asker]

So I told him what I should tell him

All he said was. That's nice of you, thanks

I told him your welcome. It's been an hour and he's said nothing

[Opinion Owner]

And don't expect instant results... that's how it was for me too. I didn't text him for a couple of days and then he texted me saying hi and we had a little conversation. I haven't heard from him since Friday night currently and it's driving me crazy... but you agreed to this when you sent that text. You have got to be strong, and do things for yourself while he takes the space you are giving him. Be patient.

[Asker]

It's just hard

I guess I'll have to be patient and wait. I hope he comes around

[Asker]

One thing I don't understand is. He's vocal with his friends and pushing me away

He's leaving me in the dark but he's communicating and doing things with them?

I really appreciate your help Nikki

[Opinion Owner]

To guys friends are totally different than girlfriends. I'm not sure how to explain it but with friends he has less demands because dudes really don't talk about their feeling with one another, like how it is in a relationship. Also, maybe that is how he is distracting himself and getting his mind off of stress. I wish I could help more, but I'm basically in the same boat as you :(

[Asker]

I'm sorry your in the same boat :( his friend is a girl but he doesn't have feelings for her. She's like a guy to him

[yoyoduh]

HI! I don't know how old this post is or if you have any resolutions. I am going through the same thing right now. My guy is in his last 7 months of a tough medical program and we found out his mom is dying from lung cancer in March. we were so incredibly in love... then he wouldn't see me for the last 4 months... and two weeks ago, he told me he had no more romantic feelings for me. he loves me as a best friend but he wants me to move on. he texts me every day and talks to me, so I am trying to just be a friend to him. but it is so hard when i am still so in love with him. we were talking about getting married for the last two years. I understand that grief masks anything, even a love as deep as ours... but for him to not feel anything is really painful for me to deal with. How are you guys doing?

[washize]

He's being honest with you and he's making things easier on the both of you by nipping the relationship in the butt before things get to that point.

He's tired, emotionally exhausted and doesn't have anything left to give to you at the end of the day.

In your relationship with him as your boyfriend, so you expect him to be emotionally open and there for you? do you expect him to be emotionally engaged with you?

You may be willing to be patient now, but what if he's like this months and years from now? Do you not see yourself getting frustrated/angry/annoyed and wanting things to go back to the way things were? do you not see an inevitable argument arising from this, THUS causing him more stress that he doesn't need or have the energy for?

He's simply being honest about his capabilities and how much of himself he has to go around at the moment.

[Asker]

Thank you, everyone is right.. give him space and let him breath

[krissykarma]

He probably feels overwhelmed. While there may be no obvious stress coming from your relationship, it's the only thing that he has to control. I think that you are doing the right thing by giving him his space. I would suggest being there for him where / when he allows, and showing him you still love him. But give him space too. Having a parent with cancer is hard (my dad had it, it was tough) its probably the only thing he can wrap his head around right now. Be there, and hopefully he will come back around after he figures his own stuff out!

[Asker]

I hope so! He kept saying I know you'll make me change my mind but I don't want to let you down and make you loose hope

[krissykarma]

Yeah it sounds to me like he feels like he is letting people down, and he really cares about you, but he doesn't want to let you down.

[Asker]

I guess space is the best thing and hope he works it out

once he broke up with me and I thought that's it, it was the end.. Ignored him for 3 days and he came on texting

[krissykarma]

That's a good sign!

[Asker]

btw thank you for your reply

[krissykarma]

Your welcome! Good luck with everything :)

[martyfellow]

That's a lot to deal with; it's not surprising he doesn't want the responsibility and pressure of a romance right now. He thinks he couldn't pay you enough attention in themidst of these crises.

Yes, think of this as a temporary pullback. When these issues have been resolved, he will want to talk to you again!

Of course, you have to decide how long you can wait for him to get through these problems. You're not obligated to wait for him, and he wouldn't expect you to do that.

[Asker]

Whats hard is, he's spending time with friends and I wish I could spend time with him

Im hurt because I can't be there, he won't let me.. he has this big ego he has to hold

[martyfellow]

He thinks he has to get through it all by himself, and be 'tough.' Yes, we guys are often raised to be that way.

It's stupid. You don't have to respect his boundaries here.

Go get him and be there for him. Just don't take no for an answer.

Sure he'll pretend to get mad..ignore that!

[Asker]

Martyfellow, he's now telling me that. he's in a different world then I am and that I have more expectations from him that he can't provide.. he said we should break up because he doesn't want me to wait around and hope for nothing

I told him I will wait for him to leave the problems he's facing yet he's still being a bit nice yet a bit cold

hes almost acting like he really cares about me but he wants to let me go

[martyfellow]

He is acting tough, like he thinks he's supposed to.

[Asker]

Thanks Martyfellow!

[martyfellow]

You're welcome, keep me in mind for BA!

[Tye10223]

Well it was a temporary outburst saying that he can't emotailly support you because of all of the stressed he is going through right now but. Main point of stress his mom it wouldn't be he job because its a job he could have quit and went to find a new one but to answer your question it was a temporary

~hoped I helped

[Asker]

If I keep giving him space and not bother him. Will he come around and text me?

[bettybets]

I commend you for being so committed to him that you're willing to wait for him but you may be waiting in vain. He didn't say he needs space right now or that he wants to take a break. Based on what your saying he said, he doesn't see you two working out at all because of his flaws. And right now it doesn't seem like he's up for working on him or your relationship. He's just dealing with his mom now and needs to focus on that without you being in the picture. I think it's okay for you to have hope and have a special place in your heart for him but don't miss out on other people and (better) relationships by waiting on something that's not going to happen.

[Anonymous]

Use the same advice I gave you on your previous question... it's scary letting him go, but he needs space for the moment. My guy has now texted me two days in a row, so if my situation can improve, yours can too!

Think of it this way... most guys have trouble expressing themselves like your guy has. The fact that he is so honest with you is a good thing even though it hurts. If he really didn't care about you, he wouldn't go through that trouble to tell you how he feels.

Just give him space, focus on you, and he will come back to you if you respect his wishes.

[Asker]

Nikkibee at her best! Thanks hun

I will give him space and I will not bother him and let him text me if he needs anything.. He already knows how I feel about him

[Opinion Owner]

You are very welcome :) Just know you are not alone! Just knowing that did wonders for my anxiety... oh and don't over think it. Easier said than done, but your situation is a positive one, there is still room for a relationship because it ended well. What you do during this time is crucial if you want to get back together. Let me know if you need anything else!

[Asker]

Im really happy that the positive has come your way!

Hes definitely on the break up side on his mind and I hope I can change that :(

[Asker]

It's been 2 days and he hasn't said much to me. I've been on the side lines and everyone else has enjoyed his company

[InquisitiveMale]

When you reach your lowest point possible, when you're at your most vulnerable state of being, when you feel weak and broken, fragmented and scattered, AND you still want nothing more then to know that that significant someone is going to be by your side, feeling what you feel...That's how you know you've found something special...

He's found it an easier burden to suffer alone then to have you by his side.

[Asker]

If I keep giving him space and not bother him. Will he come around and text me?

[1diamond]

I think you need to leave him to it and respect his wishes for the moment. Otherwise you will just push him further away. If you continue to give him his space I think he will come back to you. It must be hard as you said he's spending time with his friends, but at the moment his friends are his escape from mental overload that's all. I wouldn't take it personally. I would keep as busy as possible in the meantime.

[bettybets]

It's obvious that the reason he broke up with you has noting really, to do with you. He may come back to you once everything settles down, he may not. You don't know how long it'll take for him to sort himself out. I wouldn't blame it on him not thinking straight though. It seems like he *is* thinking straight because he knows that with all of that going on he can't be a proper boyfriend to you. And you probably wouldn't want him with you if he can't be fully present anyway.

[RasmusAiken]

You're doing the right thing. He is telling you he has hit bottom and he has little or nothing to offer you. Stay in it for him. . . at a distance. When his stress level falls, you'll hear from him.

[Asker]

I hope so! thanks for your reply

[Anonymous]

If he says that he can't emotionally support YOU right now, then I'd say that's a pretty good indication that you aren't sufficiently supporting him. The times when it's hardest to support someone is when they are vulnerable, and coincidentally, that's when they need it the most. I agree with InquisitiveMale, in that he has decided the burden is easier to carry alone, meaning he's needing something from SO that you are not giving him.

[gonyr]

hes going through some sh*t right now. so maybe he isn't thinking clearly. just let him know that you'll respect his wishes, but that you really care for him and if he ever needs anything you will be there for him

[stacythat1]

Am having the same problem. Did he even come back? I read your older posts and he is doing the same thing to me hanging with his friends over me. He is even hanging out with some girl he is saying that he grew up with and does not mean anything to him. I do not know if I should trust it. Am worried about him and I do not know if I should just count my losses or just sit around and wait. What ever happened with you?

[Anonymous]

What you said that he said at the end sounds somewhat of a normal worry guys have about their girlfriends/wives.

Anyway, I'd say give him a little space for a bit and then talk to him about it. It sounds like he is stressed out every possible way.

[Asker]

do you think he really means it about breaking up?

[Opinion Owner]

I really don't know. My best guess is that I think he'll come around soon.

[Asker]

I guess space is the best thing and hope he works it out

once he broke up with me and I thought that's it, it was the end.. Ignored him for 3 days and he came on texting

[Asker]

btw thank you for your reply

[Anonymous]

well he's in a bad situation so of course he would think he doesn't need a relionship right now. he might when things get settled.

[Anonymous]

He always cared about you but he doesn't want more responsabilitied

[Anonymous]

i think you shouldn't be in a relationship with him but you should help him out

[yoyoduh]

OMG, i did not mean to vote down! I clicked on it by accident. How do I unvote it? !

[bigmike16]

Yup, let the guy collect himself and he will come back to you :)

[Anonymous]

i think you should just give him some time, you made the right choice

[Anonymous]

i think he just neds less stress in his life