Dating Fundamentals: Why Options & Choice is CRUCIAL


WARNING: This myTake is completely MY OPINION on the subject matter. The following myTake may contains standpoints, information, or opinions that are based off mine and others.

It's worth noting that this take was written originally FOR MEN. But can certainly be applied FOR WOMEN as well, if you choose. But keep in mind this take will be from a one man to another because my knowledge, understanding, and perspective is limited to a man.

Reader discretion is advised...

We've all been there…

You can’t stop thinking about that special someone, your emotions start to race when you’re with them and the next thing you know you can’t figure out how you lived your life without them. We start to fantasize about life with them and begin to wonder if they are “The One.”

The first 6-12 months of a relationship are often referred to as the “honeymoon stage” because our emotions are in overdrive as the feel good chemicals in our brains are working overtime in response to this new budding relationship. This is the stage of a relationship where he or she can do no wrong. This perfect angel is doing all the right things and soon you wonder how can you live without them?

Dating Fundamentals: Why Options & Choice is CRUCIAL

I like relationships and I believe they can teach us a lot about ourselves and strengthen us. I keep an open mind when it comes to love but often times our perceptions of love disappoints us. I believe we are disappointed because we were told a lie that has infested our culture, society and homes. That lie is that somewhere out there is a soul mate for you and when you find them, that’s the person you are supposed to be with. This ideology is rooted in loneliness, fear and insecurity.

We approach relationships with the notion that this person will complete us and take away our loneliness. We approach love thinking that love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired. These misconceptions lead us to search for that “one” person somewhere out there who we will have our fairytale ended with. The problem with this is that fairytales end for a reason. No one wants to see Cinderella 10 or 15 years later fighting with Prince Charming over who is going to bring the kids to soccer practice.

I ask people all the time about what they want out of their relationships with members of the opposite sex and most everyone wants to find that special someone and settle down. I agree. I want to believe in the happily ever after where the husband and wife go off to live in their new house and raise children but with a divorce rate over 50% and people not understanding the work it takes to keep a relationship together I become skeptical.

I do know that before you can settle down and find someone special, you MUST become a person who has options in their dating life.


Imagine for a moment that you haven’t eaten in many days. The feeling of hunger grinds away at you and all of a sudden a person holding a juicy steak dinner walks by you. The smell permeates your senses and you begin to salivate. You could be in the middle of a deep conversation with someone but if you sense that steak dinner your attention goes to that steak.

Dating Fundamentals: Why Options & Choice is CRUCIAL

Now imagine you are full. You have eaten a huge meal and then someone with a steak dinner comes walking by you again. You won’t even pay attention because your need for food has been fulfilled.

This analogy represents the relationships between scarcity and abundance.

Scarcity: The state of being scarce or in short supply of AKA "a shortage".

Abundance: The state of having a very large quantity of something AKA "a surplus".

When it comes to our dating lives, if we have no options, we will take the first thing that comes our way and then mistake that neediness for love.

If we are starved for partners we tend to project a higher value on them then if we had an abundance of people in our lives we could choose from. This is why our neediness clouds our judgments and becomes a frame that alters our perception of the people we come in contact with. If we have multiple choices we will make our decisions based on what is best not the first thing that comes our way.

Until you attain meaningful, consistent success in your dating life with the type of person you desire, you through your own inexperience will limit your ability to find the type of person you want and sustain a healthy relationship.

I don’t believe in the concept that there is “the one” for everyone out there. I believe that there are many “the one’s”

No one girl or guy is the only one for you.

There is no soul mate…

Dating Fundamentals: Why Options & Choice is CRUCIAL

… But rather, there are soul mates

Scarcity breeds obsession. When you do not have a healthy dating life and have no potential partners you tend to fixate yourself on that one person who shows you interest. You analyze them, ask for expert advice, talk about them with your friends and stalk their facebook in hopes to find out something you can do to “get them.” When scarcity becomes a part of your life then obsessive behavior is sure to follow. This scarcity also lies to us because it tells us that by not doing these behaviors we will never stand a chance, but the irony is by doing these behaviors we cause ourselves great suffering and ruin any chance of developing anything with that person.

Neediness is the most unattractive quality one can possess but scarcity thrives off of it.

Scarcity continues to lie to us because it tells us that these feelings we have are “special” and that there is no one like this girl. We tell our friends the same lie adding to the illusion. The truth is that you’re feelings for this person is the exact definition of common. If you don’t believe me turn on the radio or watch any movie ever made. Every other person out there thinks that their crush is special and unique…

… And they are unique… Just like everyone else.

Dating Fundamentals: Why Options & Choice is CRUCIAL

So many people focus on "not being lonely" they miss out on the "you must be alone to BE AWARE of what you truly want". Specifically, people who are always looking for a SO (Signifcant Other). A few of my FF (female friends) are constantly talking about finding "a good guy", even when they are dating several guys, and I think that desire is unhealthy for anyone.

I believe in love but not the way that we were raised to think that love exists. I believe that love is when your want for each other exceeds your need for each other. Far too many times people mistake neediness for love. They settle for a woman because they believe that is the best they can get. They don’t accrue much experience with women so they have an idea of what they want and what they can get and these parallels rarely match up. We could write a million books about love but for each of us love will be different.

What causes us such great suffering is not love… but the idea of love. The mindset that “she is the best you can get” and “she is so special” will hold you back from being your perfect self every time.

Your partnership simply needs to be like a key and a lock, a match that fits. You must accrue experience with different types of partners to know what you want and don’t want. Find what you want and what you don’t want through experience and then return with the wisdom to recognize whether or not it is actually love.

Dating Fundamentals: Why Options & Choice is CRUCIAL
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Most Helpful Guy

  • brocha
    Great take mate.

    This is totally true. Get into that frame of mind and then meet someone who makes you go weak at the knees. It helps with confidence as well.

    Do girls do this as well? Also sometimes what if there are no options, cos, erm you don't find others attractive?

    I have two questions on my profile, could you check them out pls? They're about two girls and would love to hear your views on them!
    Like 1 Person
    Is this still revelant?
    • brocha

      Really great take. Could you help me on my questions pls? I think your insight would be invaluable?

    • AlphaPerry

      Thanks man! And I'll take a look at them.

      Yes, girls do this as well. From my personal experience, girls actually tend to do this more naturally than most guys. But that's just my observation.

      And for your other question, it's best to see the concept of "options" and "choice like choosing your favorite flavor of ice cream... There are so many flavors, how do you choose your favorite? You could only try three flavors of ice cream and decide on your favorite based off only those three.

      But wouldn't it better to try all of them or at least experience as many flavors you can, then CHOOSE your favorite flavor so you don't end up settling for a flavor? Options ARE everywhere when it comes to dating and it's all about enjoying the process and trying your best, to experience all types of girls so you know what you want through experience. So when you eventually decide on what you like the most, you can actively choose, instead of settling.

    • brocha

      Well said! Like the ice cream analogy. Pls check out the questions, as I think you will have invaluable insight!

Most Helpful Girl

  • Awesomemad
    Awesome myTake. I agree 100%!
    Like 3 People
    Is this still revelant?

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • LiveFreeorDieHard
    Thats pretty good. I think your trying to simplify something too complicated to something easy. Truth is, all of this is really complicated and you would have to write a series of books like the harry potter series to fully cover this subject.
    Like 3 People
    • AlphaPerry

      Thank you. But "all of this" HAS been written in numerous books, which many people (including myself) have read and actually put into test to see the validity of the information presented in those books and most of the time, it's accurate. This concept and many other ones is a recurring concept in many books and are all rather simple and basic stuff most people should know, or at least be aware of. Which is why this take was made. I'm not saying that this concept itself is all there is to dating but it's something important to know.

    • Sorry, didn't know you were a reader lol.

    • AlphaPerry

      Haha no it's cool, need to apologize

    • Show All
  • TheDevilInside
    But but but... What if you don't have options at all because no one wants you? Or more like only old creepy men want you?
    Like 2 People
  • elric
    Completely correct. In every sentence, nothing to disputing. It is refreshing to find others who see it realistically.
  • R3d_Anonymous
    This IS the problem. Many of us (one of them is me), DON'T, and have tried very much so in the past to generate some, have options.
    i agree that options are good to have