When dating preferences become a problem

[iamyourneighbor]

Dating preferences become a problem when:

1. When the person is still single even though they go out on dates.

Sure we can't expect every person we meet to progress into a relationship but if they are dating multiple people and it goes no where, there is a problem

2. When the person they prefer does not want them and it makes them mad because they feel entitled to them because they are their type.

3. When the person does not know what they want

Yes she may say she wants a athletic guy or he says he wants a petite blonde girl but they are doing one thing while saying another. How can a person have a preference without knowing what it is they want?

4. When the person becomes desperate

5. When they get upset all the time from bring rejected.

When they start to feel self pity

6. They make their lives the other person's life

They have no hobbies outside of dating once they meet the person they like.

7. Poor sport

They can't move on and they have to know why things didn't work out. They can not take "No" for an answer.

8. Bashing the people they are not attracted to and talking down on others because they are not their preference

Putting them down because they don't have the skin color, height, hair length, body type, or social class they want

9. Arrogant, stuck up

[bloodmountain1990]

I think I've been guilty of number 1, 3, and 4. My biggest thing is with dating, especially online dating is I've been able to get tons of dates, but in the long term usually the ones I'm into aren't into me and vice versa.

I'm not entitled to the girls i like but at the same time if a girl is into me and I don't like her back, I'm not just gonna settle just for the sake of being in a relationship. There have been a lot of times where the girl is either very attractive but the conversations are forced and there are no common interests or the girl may have a lot in common and is easy to talk to but there's no physical attraction usually it's because they used misleading pictures.

[bloodmountain1990]

I mean I get it that there's no such thing as a perfect girl but you gotta have at least some physical attraction to the other person as well as a few common interests/good conversations otherwise kissing/sex (no physical attraction) would be awkward as well as talking to the ones who are attractive but don't talk much and don't share any common interests. I'm not the pickiest guy but I still have standards.

Great take though

[iamyourneighbor]

Well you shouldn't force yourself to be with someone you are not attracted too
However at the same time I think it's important for people to realize the signs that the person you are attracted to may not be into you as much as you are into them and I think the problem arises when the guy or girl falls hard for a guy but then they probably missed the early signs that the person they found attractive does not feel the same way and someone gets hurt

[iamyourneighbor]

I never said physical attraction was not important

[bloodmountain1990]

True, here's the thing though. Even when I do have a date with a girl I actually like and can see myself dating long term, it's like we could have a good date or two and then out of the blue they either don't reach out but respond to my texts of ignore me without any explanation. Not to sound like one of those "nice guys" but it's hard to find out what the problem is when there's none present and can lead to a lot of overanalyzing.

[bloodmountain1990]

And I didn't say you said that physical attraction doesn't matter, I was just saying from my experience. It's just an awkward position to be in when you meet someone who has great/decent pictures and then you meet them and aren't attracted. It's like if you say you're not physically attracted it makes you look like a shallow asshole but really it's their fault for using misleading pictures. Fine line between trying to look your best and flat out misrepresenting yourself.

[sjoes006]

Good post!

[iamyourneighbor]

Thank you

[HikerDude]

Dating is a free-market system. 'Value' is based on demand, the willingness of others to 'pay' for something. In this case, a person's dating preferences can be judged only by his ability to fulfill them. If a short, fat guy demands to date a Brazilian fitness model and gets one, clearly his actual value was in line with his perceived value. This is all that matters. It doesn't matter that another might 'disagree' with his preference for Brazilian fitness models, if he can get them, he's 'worth' them. The market will reveal the true order of things, and it never lies.

[PiuBelloAmante]

regarding number 1. Hey, sometimes i go on dates, and i expect too much and my date doesn't reach my expectations, standards, or i dont meet their's. I think its good to see whats out there, and try to find a person who you feel confident entering a relationship with

i think the first part of number 7. is off
Its good to find out why things didn't move on and what you did wrong. Girls/guys who think like you do, won't give a girl/guy a real answer, and he/she is doomed to repeat his/her mistakes over again.

some of these reasons, i dont think are so prevalent

ehhhhh, ok mytake

[iamyourneighbor]

You don't know me you are just making stupid assumptions

[iamyourneighbor]

This mytake totally went over your head

[iamyourneighbor]

I never said any of those things
Are you there everytime i talk to a guy?

[0112358]

Most of these come down to 'preferences are a problem if you're unable to land people who meet them'.

I. e. if you can't get your 'type', you either need to broaden your options, or improve yourself.

Actually thought from the title it would be when 'preferences' become a societal problem, which they can, when many people share the same preference.

[iamyourneighbor]

No it's not about societal problems
That's why you actually read the mytake instead of just the title

[0112358]

Yes I did read the mytake, which is why my first comments reflected that.

But I want someone to right the societal problem mytake, it would be interesting! :D

[TheSkaFish]

The problem I'm having is, now that I have moved too slowly with and/or messed up with all of the members of my "type" and they are all gone, I feel like there isn't much left I can do. Broadening my options won't work - if I do that, I will broaden my options down to misery. I have my preferences for a reason, because I want a girl who has traits which make me feel a certain way. Not just anyone can do this. And there doesn't seem to be any point in dating someone that I'm not attracted to, or interested in talking to, or curious about their thoughts, or have even the remotest desire to have in my life, other than to avoid being single forever. Faking an interest in someone I'm not attracted to, in order to avoid being single, while wishing I was with someone else the whole time isn't really getting anywhere, it's trading one problem for another. Such a relationship would feel like a passionless job.

But now that my type are all gone, I lack the motivation to improve myself.

[iamyourneighbor]

@theskafish no one is forcing you to date a girl you do not like
I'm pretty sure there are a lot of women in the world so there is no way that one of those women does not fit your type. You have to be the person you want to be
You can't put in 0 effort and expect things to fall into your lap

[TheSkaFish]

I guess. But if all of the girls I like are gone, then the only ones left are ones I don't like. So it really is a choice between someone I don't want, and nothing.

There are tons of women in the world but most of them simply don't have what I'm looking for, in terms of the combination of looks, brains, interests, and personality. My friends don't know anyone, and I check Plenty of Fish and OKCupid all the time. There's never anyone on there that has what I want. The very best those sites have to offer are just okay. They wouldn't make me feel alive. If I were with them, I would only be wishing I was with the girls I wanted the whole time. I'd think, if I could do the work to be attractive to someone who doesn't interest me, then why couldn't I have done the same work when it counted?

I'd have a stronger motivation to improve myself if I knew how I could get the girls I liked to see me as better than just a friend. I'm reluctant to work hard when I don't know if it will pay off.

[iamyourneighbor]

@theskafish all the girls you like are not gone
You are just not looking for them

[TheSkaFish]

No, they really are all gone. It was random chance that I met them in the first place. Haven't met anyone like that since. It's not like these are people I can find by going to a certain place either, like if you want a sports fan you can go to a game. It's not that simple.

Also, I don't do cold approaches. It's just not my style. These girls that I liked were all people I had gotten to know for a while.

I really need to figure out how to get them to see me as more then a friend, or else I am screwed. I'm just not going to find anyone like them again. There aren't a lot to begin with and like I said, the chances of finding more are slim to none.

[0112358]

@theskafish it's clear that your first problem is you are viewing 'your style' as who you are, rather than a habit you've formed that's serving you poorly.

Your second problem is that your preferred approach seems to be to hang out as friends until you fall for them.

There are women walking by you down the street who have the ability to make you feel that way. Stop looking for an emotional connection first. Rather date women who are cute and nice and -see of the connection forms as you get closer-

[iamyourneighbor]

@theskafish I had a bad experience with pof I high reccommend you don't go to that website

[TheSkaFish]

Well, I'd use POF and OKC only as a last resort. If there are any better dating websites to use, I guess I could look but I don't see how any other sites would be any better. But like I said, my friends don't know anyone that I would like. And I don't do cold approaches.

I have yet to meet any women that are as good-looking and as interesting as those that I knew, and it's hard to justify going to all this trouble for someone that I know I won't be as happy with as I could have been if I were able to get one of the ones that I wanted. I'll still wish I was with those other girls. Eh. Sometimes I think a person really does meet the one that would have been the best match, but if they mess up, it's all downhill from there.

Is there really no way to re-frame how a person sees you though? If I change who I am, why can't they see me as a better, more attractive person?

[0112358]

@TheSkaFish
Dating sites are a little age and area dependent. I've known people online who told me they met good people on PoF, but where I live... PoF seems to be primarily for men and women who can't pull together $10 for a paid site. The paid sites here are -far- better, both in terms of the quality of the people, and the activity. A lot of people are on sites like PoF to get their ego stroked, where most people who put down cash actually want to go on dates and find someone.

Is there a way to reframe how a person sees you? Yes, sometimes, but it's actually MUCH HARDER than getting people of their 'quality'. You almost have to overcompensate to get rid of their prior view of you.

"I don't do cold approaches" is not who you are. It's how you've behaved. If we're going to take your history as who you are we might as well say "I don't do cold approaches, I never date, and I'm always alone".

If you're not happy, change things.

[TheSkaFish]

Yeah, I agree that location is a big factor for those sites, and also that the paid sites probably weed out the less-serious people. But although I live near a major city, I never find anyone that I want.

And while I have heard dating site success stories, I've never found anyone on there that has sparked my interest, neither in looks nor personality. There are plenty of women on there who aren't necessarily unattractive, but they don't really "wow" me either. And when it comes to personality and interests, forget it. A lot of the profiles sound more or less the same.

I'm looking for a girl that I find uniquely beautiful, who I really enjoy talking to, who fascinates and excites and inspires me. Those girls I knew had that. The ones I've found around here though, don't. It would be hard to date someone I don't have passion for, while knowing that my dream girls do exist and we could talk.

I'm aware that reframing is a ton of work, but I think it's my only chance for real love.

[0112358]

@TheSkaFish
What I am really doubtful about is these girls you've known and wanted...

If you never knew them and saw their dating profile, would you really realize how awesome they are? I doubt it. They'd be another pleasant cute girl.

I also just... dude you have no clue what would make you happy. The best girl in the world, if she agrees to be your girlfriend, you can still be miserable. Her interests and all that are a really small part of what makes a relationship great. They matter, but what matters FAR MORE is how she treats you and how she reacts to how you treat her. You're looking at girls you fall for outside of a relationship, but tbh, most of that is just in your head imagining things. The real girl to make you happy is the one who actually really wants to make you happy, and is delighted by you as well as having some good qualities.

[jjmarvin]

When preferences become demands. The preference becomes so important you would throw away great people because you are unwilling to put in effort or give slack to something a little out of your perfect ideal

[TheSkaFish]

PS - have you ever successfully reframed yourself to a girl who initially thought of you as just a friend, or worse, actually rejected you?

If you successfully turned it around, how did you do it?

[TheSkaFish]

Nevermind, wrong comment box. Question meant for @0112358

[0112358]

No, not remotely. I don't think I've ever seen anyone do it in real life, male or female.

Maybe one case, and I look at the relationship and cringe. She settled, absolutely, and that's a nightmare.

[PonyCar]

Man, all I could think of when I was reading this post was an alternative title: "When people who should not be dating, choose to date."

[iamyourneighbor]

Life is not fair and I'll see people who treat people like shit with loving faithful people

[John_Doesnt]

I only need to find 1 woman that meets my preference. With 3 billion of them I'm bound to find her sooner or later.

[Nathand]

when your family gets involved. And either tires to control your dating life or chooses who you can date or not.

[skykidx1]

This is what happened too me n my ex girlfriend her family got invloved in oír relationship forced us apart... which she let happen ever months of crying too me... very long storyg. but i'm number 7. Only because i was unable to accpet people getting involved in my relationship n fucking it up over shallow reason. But now i choice to forcus on myself because i'm not ready to date.

[orphan]

is this an outline for the real article you're writing?

[Marinepilot]

I've been through all of this. It's a bunch of shit, to be sure.

[kiler1000]

they miss out on their chance.

[James19]

Great take