Passiveness In Dating & Why It Doesn't Work


I see it all the time. Women asking question after question on here about dating and relationships, wondering what they're doing wrong. Why no guys are approaching them. Asking others on here if they're pretty enough, or if they have a good enough personality. Being worried because they're "already" in their late teens or early 20s, but have zero experience. Zero guys approaching them. Zero luck in dating.

What I also see is a common pattern in what these girls do – which is essentially nothing. They do nothing. They seem to be sitting around at home or at school all day, wondering where all the guys are. Wondering why nobody messages them, why nobody reaches out to them, why nobody asks them out. It's always "why don't they do this and that", not "why don't *I* do this and that".

The problem is basically this: girls don't put themselves out there enough. You don't make yourself available. You don't put an effort into meeting new guys and sparking their interest. You won't get people interested in you by merely existing and breathing. In today's busy world, you have to make yourself visible. You can't expect other people to come find you, especially when these people might not even know what/who exactly they're looking for.

Here, I'll write a nice little list for you, that will guide you to becoming more visible in dating.

1. Put an effort into talking to him and seeing him

If you're interested in someone, then you have to get to know them and give them the possibility of getting to know you. You do so by actually trying to have a nice conversation with them. Don't sit around and wait for him to pick up the phone and message you. Ask him questions. Help him carry the conversation. It's normal and completely harmless.

Sending someone a message every now and then will NOT make you look clingy, or like a "slut/whore"

. Stop exaggerating and making excuses.

If a guy is into you, he will appreciate the effort, and he will return the favor by also initiating the conversations. He'll be impressed by you taking the initiative.

2. Don't be afraid of asking him out

Rejection is a part of life. We will all get rejected by someone at some point. If not by a love interest, you might get rejected by a friend, or by an employer. Might as well get used to the feeling of getting rejected by throwing yourself out there and taking some risks. The sooner you ask someone out when you've realized that you like them, the less it will hurt. If you drag it out and wait for months, or even years until finally confessing to them, you will be absolutely crushed if it turns out that they don't like you back.

Asking someone out is like ripping off a band-aid. Do it quickly and it will be almost completely painless.

If they turn you down, you'll get the chance to move on. And moving on will be a lot easier if you didn't let yourself fall so hard for them for such a long period of time. Now you know they're not into you, so you don't have to waste any more time on pining for them. Now you don't have to feel so unsure anymore either, by overanalyzing everything they have ever said to you. You can just let it go.
And, what if they say yes? Imagine how exciting that would be! Not only did you ask them out all on your own, but it actually turns out that they are into you too! Score! No extra time wasted on waiting around for something to happen. You made it happen on your own. Congrats!

3. Don't sit by the phone and wait for him to say something

If you want to talk, then talk. It's not that difficult. Unless he has told you that he's going to contact you, there's no reason for you to wait around and waste your time if you want to have a conversation with him.

You have a phone or a computer?
You have a working set of fingers, or voice dictation on your phone/computer?
You have at least a few minutes to spare?

Then I see no reason why you should be the one waiting for him to reach out, when you are just as capable of reaching out to him. Be more active.

4. More often than not, passiveness is seen as something negative

If you act passive, you'll come off as disinterested. That's just how it is. If a guy never made an effort to talk to you, never made an effort to meet up with you, never made an effort to call or message you, never made an effort to keep the conversation going, wouldn't you think he was acting really disinterested? The answer is yes, you would. No sane person would think that showing interest = barely even acknowledging someone's existence. So think about how he sees you and how he interprets your actions. Guys are not mind readers.

People will judge your level of interest based on how available you make yourself to them.

If you take hours or days to respond, if you never ask him any questions, if you never initiate any of the conversations and if you never ask him if he wants to go on a date/hang out, you won't come off as a quality lady who is worth his time. You'll come off as a cold, uninteresting, hard to get person who is emotionally unavailable and impossible to relate to. That's not how you should portray yourself if you're actually interested in dating someone. He might chase you for a while, but get bored after that. He needs a positive response eventually, otherwise he'll just think you have zero interest in him and move on.

5. Dating is give and take

It's important to make yourself available and make your interest known. However, obviously you should also analyze the person you're dating (or trying to date). Are they also making an effort? Are they also going out of their way to contact you and arrange new dates? Are you on the same page? Do you want the same things? Don't waste time on people who act vague, who send mixed signals or don't put as much effort into it as you do. Don't overwhelm someone by bombarding them with messages, let them come to you every now and then. And if they don't come to you, despite you making your interest known, it's obvious that the feeling isn't mutual.

6. Try to actually go out and meet new people

If all you do is spend your days at home/school/work, with little to no interactions with those you're actually interested in, you're basically making yourself invisible. Try to go to more parties and events. Or even pick up a hobby that somehow involves getting to interact with more people. You can't just assume that some stranger is going to come knocking on your door one day. You won't find new guys in your fridge or under your bed. And if you do, those are not the kind of guys you'll want to date. Throw yourself out there. Don't wait for a guy to fall from the sky into your lap. That's not how it works.

These were my main tips, and I hope you'll find them helpful. Of course, there are girls out there who have managed to get boyfriends even if they were playing games and acting hard to get. And that's great, for them. But if you find yourself constantly asking what you're doing wrong and why nobody likes you, chances are you're not really doing yourself a favor by making yourself even more invisible and difficult to approach. Your chances of finding someone will greatly increase if you actually put an effort into getting to know new people and making yourself available.

Passiveness In Dating & Why It Doesn't Work

Passiveness In Dating & Why It Doesn't Work
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7Girl Opinion
20Guy Opinion

Most Helpful Girl

  • dwright9224
    So going out in public, making myself approachable is gonna have a guy of my type willing to walk up to me 'n' just try to get to know me? Or like always, do I have to take the iniative? Like can I find a guy that matches WITHOUT having to make the 1st move? Why should I always have to be the one to show 1st interest in a guy that's right for me. It's literally impossible for a woman like me to pursue guys I like since I'm more sociallt awkward, have social anxiety, and a mahor introvert. So just wondering why women always have to pursue guys that make a good match for them. But never ever get 1st pursued by that guy.
    Is this still revelant?
    • I am so sorry for the typos. And don't mean to sound like I'm "complaining". But shouldn't I get what I give out to the world in return. If I'm a good woman constantly 1st approaching after good guys in life. Then shouldn't I be able to have @ least one random good guy 1st approach me 1st once instead of the other way around?

    • Anonymous

      Women don't always have to pursue, nobody has to do anything really. All I'm saying is your chances of finding someone increase when you become more active.
      There are also plenty of socially awkward and introverted guys out there, who approach girls anyway.

    • Anonymous

      "But shouldn't I get what I give out to the world in return"
      No, the world doesn't owe you anything. You make your own life.

    • Show All

Most Helpful Guy

  • Chief16
    Yeah, now, if only women would do this. But no matter how many Takes are based on this subject, they're just comfort words for guys, that it's 'oh, its so nice that women can finally think this way' but the reality is most women are just gonna sit back and wait for the apple to fall.
    Like 14 People
    Is this still revelant?
    • Anonymous

      Then that's their own problem, since they will be the ones with zero experience despite being adults.

    • Chief16

      Kind of a tragedy really. After all they're the ones who have to settle with less. Being chosen and not choosing.

    • Anonymous

      Like I said, their own problem. They don't have the right to whine if they don't actually want to work hard to get what they want. That applies to all aspects of life too, not just dating. You don't get good grades at school by skipping class and refusing to study, for example. "You've made your bed, now lie in it."

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What Girls & Guys Said

  • Spiorad_Aisce
    Great take Lumos - You can even cross gender lines and give same advice to some guys - To paraphrase a saying it is better to try and fail than sit at home wondering does he/she? - While being turned down or sidelined hurts it also gives you the opportunity to move on to meet someone who you have a mutual attraction with plus on top of that there is no absolute guarantee he/she will say "No" if you ask.
    Like 3 People
    • Anonymous

      Indeed, I agree :) I just thought that I should try to direct this take more at women, seeing as women have traditionally always been encouraged to be the passive ones in dating. But in my opinion that's an outdated view, and it's been proven over and over again considering that men don't approach as much anymore. We live in a slightly more equal world now, so women are expected to pull their own weight in the dating scene.

    • That is sound logic

  • Shorty1991
    Works both ways, women are not mind readers either. Makes no sense for a guy to make it obvious he likes you by staring at you and having the courage to follow you around, without any intentions of ever talking to you. I've also found out that most of these guys are already paired off. I got fed up of being messed around, so you can understand why I'm not as forward as I used to be beforehand. Why to I attract all the guys that are in relationships? :(
  • FakeName123
    To be fair, it's a fine line. Most guys still , prefer to be the ones "hunting" and most girls prefer to be the catch. By the women becoming the iniator both sides feel like they devalue themselves.

    I go with what a german dating coach once said when he was in a TV show about dating: "Dear girls, we guys want to approach you and you want to be approached - but you have to make yourself approachable. Eye-contact, open body-posture, smiling, don't be surrounding by 5 friends."
    Like 1 Person
  • aliceinwonderland69
    In my experience guys are turned off by girls who are too forward.
    Like 1 Person
    • Anonymous

      Like I said you shouldn't overwhelm them. But showing interest is hardly being "too forward".

    • lonerider

      Don't be TOO forward. Anyone would be turned off by a clingy person. That doesn't mean being not at all forward. I can't tell you how many girls' no. s I have deleted because they dont initiate chats 50% of the times?

    • brain5000

      Honest question here: aren't you turned off by guys who are too forward? By that, I assume we both mean something like "someone who comes out, out of the blue, and takes two or three steps forward at once?" An example of this might be some guy you aren't interested in and have never showed any interest in suddenly asking you on a date?

      The rule for girls should be the same as it is for guys: don't ask someone out who seems to barely, if at all, acknowledge your existence. They - guy or girl - has to show they some interest and enthusiasm for you first.

    • Show All
  • ModernDayCrusader
    Great Take, If you are passive, love will pass you by.
    I always try and put out effort and ask out girls on dates, but it doesn't seem to work.
    I Try to make it as easy as possible for the girl when i ask her out. I usually plan everything, she literally has to just has to enjoy herself lol

    Problem is most girls just text me "Sorry i am busy this weekend" so i try planning way in advance, and they never want to commit to that.

  • bloodmountain1990
    I wish more girls would do this. Absolutely nothing wrong with women approaching men they're interested in. Just like for guys, the worst answer they'll get is no.
  • SüßeJäger
    This is a FANTASTIC! Girls, please read! This goes both ways but there is nothing wrong letting a guy know you're interested. Guys like me so often just think you're being nice if you talk to us at all but if you just put in a little more, Guys would be way more apt to ask you out. It's not the asking, it's the not being sure enough that you're interested and were all afraid to be turned down. If you want to be asked out more, do a little more. I don't expect you to do all the work, in fact, I don't even expect you to meet me half way but I don't want to do 90% of the work either. Meet us 60/40 or 70/30 we can take it from there.
    Like 1 Person
  • jacquesvol
    "Guys are no mind readers" Indeed. ↑
    (or they read what they hope you think→danger!)

    Excellent take.↑↑★★★
    Like 1 Person
  • Redshift
    Flawless MyTake @lumos as usually.
    Like 3 People
    • Anonymous


  • FatherJack
    Men do not approach as much as past generations mainly because of the rampant " man bashing " culture of the past , at least , 20 years or so , when I worked at door staff , witnessed on many occasions , groups of young women shooting down approaching guys as nastily as possible , they viewed this as " fun " .

    Men are conditioned to believe their approaches are offensive & unwanted by women & should stay well away , women are also conditioned by the " media " to think the worst of men. This blog is food for thought :
    Like 1 Person
  • tyber1
    I already posted this take on some girls question lol agree completely
  • martian12345
    This take is excellent. You couldn't have said it better. I'm kinda shy myself, so would love to see a guy version.
  • Humping_Tornadoes
    Excelent take. Hopefully, the girls are actually reading this. Here, you earned one 🌟 lol
  • Lostsoulman
    Like 1 Person
    • Being shy is hard to change js. If I wasn't bullied, abused, etc growing up. I probably wouldn't have turned out to still be so reserved.

    • @dwright9224

      It is hard to change, it really sucks about your abuse and bullying... I'm sorry...

      But you don't have to change, you always have to be yourself... But if you want to date and stuff, you have to open yourself up to conversation... don't hide in a corner with a hoody and headphones... just try to be more open... That is what this take is saying...

  • iFarted
    Let's go out Lumos!
    Like 5 People
    • Anonymous

      I'm already dating someone, sorry!

    • iFarted

      Well, I tried..

    • Anonymous

      Rejection is a part of life etc ;)

    • Show All
  • lovebananas
    When I like a guy I tend to laugh a little harder at his jokes, bat my eyelashes and touch my hair. I like to give subtle hints.
  • Viperkiss
    Soooooo true!!! Great take!!!
  • HonestBoy
    Always great with the words
  • ChocoLada
    That's why I'm always active, nice Mytake :D
  • Zorax
    Great Take, I agree 100% :)
  • lime_rampljuset
  • xxcchhllaauu
    ha that pic remind me of this song..
  • Anonymous
    As a really shy guy - thank you.

    Unfortunately though girls will never enter the 21st century and start to approach us guys
    • Anonymous

      Some girls are approaching guys. I've done it several times.

    • Anonymous

      Then you are literally one out of a billion

    • Shorty1991

      As have I.

  • Anonymous
    The problem is I think they already know this but just don't care. It's not a female issue it's just a people issue. When they know they can just sit back and make someone else do the hard work most people will abuse that privilege regardless of the harm it does as long as the harm is hurting someone else and not themselves. Some women have this issue of not being approached but I don't think the majority do. Even average girls get barraged by lots of dudes at least online.
    Like 1 Person
  • Anonymous
    So if you know that a guy likes and you like him, is it Ok to ask him out instead of him doing it?
    • Anonymous

      Of course it is, why wouldn't it be?

    • Anonymous

      It's kind of complicated. He canceled on me once and said he will let me know when he's free again. Should I wait or ask him straight up?

    • Anonymous

      How long has it been since then?

    • Show All