Why I Have "High Expectations" When it Comes to Men

I've been accused of being "sexist" countless times on GAG just because I have high expectationsโ€ฆ so here's why I have them:

1) Why I prefer the guy to approach me

I want a guy to look at me like I'm the only girl in the room, like there is no other girl he would rather be with.

For all of those saying this is a fantasy- you're wrong. There isn't a marriage that will work if the person you're with doesn't physically stand out in a crowd. That would just lead to infidelity later down the road.

That is why I prefer the guy approach me, because it shows he noticed me out of everyone in the room. I know it sounds cheesy but every guy that I've tried to take the initiative with, hasn't worked out because i end up liking him more than he likes me.

2) Why I hope he walks up to my front door to pick me up

Yeah, its a very simple gesture. Its just walking up to the door right? But it means a lot. It doesn't cost anything but 30 steps and is way better than a text saying "I'm here" or even worse, a honk.

It appears lazy and as if you don't care when you don't walk up to the door. Ever since i was 16, my mom has not let me go on a date with a guy who didn't walk up to the door to pick me up. Even though it may appear anal, its what i grew up with and it shows a certain level of respect.

3) Why I hope he pays for the first date

I can easily pay for my own meal- i make my own money. It is simply a nice gesture and makes me feel like he is enjoying his time with me. I know this is a huge controversy on gag but i've always had a guy pay for the first date and its never been a problem. This indicates that he likes me enough to invest in me after meeting me once.

Side note: If its a first date and I'm not feeling him- i won't let him pay. For all of you men saying that girls use men to get free meals- not the case all the time.

4) Why I hope for a text goodnight

This means that he really enjoyed his time. He isn't playing games and likes me enough to want to talk to think about me before he goes to bed. Every guy that has genuinely been interested in me has done this. Plus, I smile like a little school girl at my phone every time it happens, haha.

In Summary:


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Goddamn this post just perfectly describes the hypocritical ideas some girls have about dating. LITERALLY all of your points are about making YOU feel special, making YOU feel appreciated, making YOU feel like you're worth it. They have to do all these things for you so you can feel good about yourself, but my question is that what are you giving them in exchange?

    Let me tell you something, guys enjoy feeling like the most handsome guy in the room too, guys also like knowing that you are excited for the date, guys also like knowing that you enjoyed your time with enough to invest in him, instead of just using him for his money. I mean even in the end the summary says "he wants to show her that she is valuable and worthy of respect" but in all of those examples the girl did not do a single fucking thing to show that he is valuable or worthy of respect.

    I mean how could you possibly be surprised that guys don't want to deal with this kind of entitlement, selfishness and insecurity. The hypocrisy is absolutely unbelievable where you actually think that a guy has to pay for your meal to show that he wants to invest time with you, but you wouldn't even offer to pay for your OWN share to show that you want to invest your time in him.

    I actually do all of these things myself, except I never pay for the first date just to find out if they're a gold digger or not. But it honestly blows my mind that there are so many girls who feel this entitled to these things without giving the same kind of appreciation and respect back to the guy.

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    • I never once made an entitled statement. All of the statements said "hope". I don't expect any of them- but I know if the guy really likes me than he'll show it.

      Whenever I don't expect these things and say that the guy before just went "above and beyond" I get fucked over. Guys who don't try, don't like the girl. Simple as that.

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    • @FashionQueen86 You are so right, and of course a guy should make a girl feel appreciated during a date but just like you said it should go both ways instead of guy having to do everything and girl having to do nothing. I think that kind of mindset comes either from just extreme self centeredness or just insecurities where a girl basically needs validation by a guy doing all of those things for her, like she needs that to feel she's worth it which obviously isn't good.

      And from a guys perspective if she doesn't do anything to make me feel appreciated that just makes me feel like she thinks her time is more valuable than mine, that I have to do all that for her and what do I get in exchange? Just the "privilege" of spending time with her?

    • Another good answer.

Most Helpful Girl

  • I mean, sure... but wtf are you doing for him, to show him that you're just as interested in him, to show him that he was the first guy you noticed in a room, that you respect him, that you enjoy spending time with him, that you think about him before bed?
    Because, while this take is all fine and dandy since everyone are allowed to have their own standards, I can't help but ask what you yourself are doing to show him all of the above mentioned things. And I don't think "I let him pay, I let him take me out, I let him *feel like a man*, I let him do this, I let him do that" is not you showing gratitude or interest. It's you being passive and expecting him to think you're interesting for just sitting back and literally doing nothing. I'm not saying you specifically are like this, but this is usually the type of mindset I see in "traditional" girls. Like they think he'll think you're interested just because you "let" him do these things for you, and that that's somehow enough when he's basically jumping through hoops to show you the world, and you're doing nothing.

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    • "And I don't think "I let him pay, I let him take me out, I let him *feel like a man*, I let him do this, I let him do that" is you showing gratitude or interest." *
      Didn't mean to make it a double negative.

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    • Now I think that it looks as her bad previous experiences are conditioning the way she regards boys now. And I'm sorry to see that. I think that if you start with this untrust in the deepest of your heart, and the boy has to prove he's not like the ones that made you harm... In my opinion that's not a good way to start from you. You should forget about the past, and not judge a person for a detail such as if he gets off the car and goes to ring your bell. Maybe he thinks it's faster to send a whatsup from the car, maybe he doesn't want to ring the bell, wait for your mother to open the door and spend two hours answering questions to your mother, or maybe that day he has pain in his leg...

    • @marckbcn I'm not hurt lol

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What Guys Said 68

  • The "Summary" reminds me of someone I was talking to. I knew her from online. She had been married 12 years. I asked if her husband opened the car door for her. She replied. "Yes. He doesn't have to, but it's sweet." There was something about the way she said it that I could almost see the twinkle in her eye and a smile while thinking of her husband. They'd been married 12 years and were still very much in love.

    It's just a gesture. He doesn't have to do it. But he does it anyway. That's what's important. If he only did what he had to do, what does that say? It only has meaning because he doesn't have to do it.

    It's all a ritual, part of courting. Courting is not about "we had dinner now let's have sex". Courting is a slow flirt that unfolds slowly over time. It seems like too many guys view it as ass kissing. Or they use feminism as an excuse to not treat a lady like a lady.

    It's more simple than that. It's just a gesture. It's a show of interest. She plays a role also. It might be more subtle at times, but she still plays a role. It might be nothing more than gracefully accepting his gesture. Like a dance where he leads, and she gracefully follows.

    Looking at it like ass kissing is the wrong attitude. If a women does take advantage of these gestures, that will come out soon enough. But in the early days, it's a fun game that they are both playing. Just go with the flow and don't over think it.

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    • Yessss yes yes. If I could give an mho it would go to you. Completely agree

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    • i can agree with this... she gets this shit IF SHE DESERVES IT, not just because... vagina.

      not because she has a RIGHT to "EXPECT" this, but because she gives something BACK.

      then a woman gets this from a good man. but not without it. without it, she gets an act or a simp-and a simp will never make a woman happy, she may as well get a dog.

  • NEVER, EVER feel like what you want is anything but the right way to go. I don't know your age, but there was a time not long ago where what you want was the "normal" way things went. Because of bra burning women libbers, men decided not to do those things because this idiot women felt they were above a man pulling out their chair or other things men did to make their lasdy feel respected and special. Somehow the libbers turned that into meaning a man thought the woman couldn't do it for herself. Ever since then, many men aren't sure what they should do. Young mean today have no problem not doing these things. They have no clue what a woman gives in return when a man does these simple things. I did online dating for a while and I was amazed at how many women told me they loved the fact I treated them that way. Stick to your guns and don't let the know it alls change your mind.

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  • Good luck with that. The juice isn't worth the squeeze and if any guy is stupid enough to court a girl in this hookup culture then the jokes on him. Here, I will hold the door open for you... on your way out.

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    • You're exactly the type of guy I will always try to avoid. Good luck finding a respectable woman

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    • Respectable women? That's like 1-2% of them.

    • Well said that is the way to treat them.

  • Lol at this shit. Having high expectations will put you on a fast track to loneliness, cats, and dildos. No guy will be enough for you, as you will struggle with any guy you do shack up or you'll end up with no one at all.

    It's okay I guess to have this high opinion of yourself at 22, but when you hit mid-to-late 20s then even into the 30s, this thinking will get you nowhere.

    Guys really don't court women anymore, it isn't the fucking 1950s anymore. Only manginas with strong social conditioning do this nonsense in the 21st century. If you want to marry and be with one of those dolts, go right ahead, but get used to disappointment.

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    • These really aren't that high of expectations.

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    • @Ellaphoebe14 Well, put it this way. How does he know that she isn't a garden-variety manipulative person? Why jump through these hoops for someone who you don't even know?

      Also, the expectations she has for certain guys change depending on how high she values them as well as herself in relation to them. In other words, a very attractive person may be required to do less to win her over as opposed to someone who isn't that appealing.

      So, these rules and regulations might be a deal-breaker for an Average Joe, which is what most guys are. Requirements and should/should not's do not make for an easygoing relationship, but a very serious, unenjoyable one where dissappointment and power struggles is consistent.

      Why should I work harder than I have to when I can do a lot less and get a better relationship with someone else? Her desires are a deterrent and not an open invitation for a wonderful union, and that's what I'm trying to illustrate with my comments.

    • You're making sooo many assumptions here.

      First of all, I never go on dates with people I don't know to an extent. I have been on a few tinder dates, but I'll be sure to text them a few weeks before hand to get a feel for them. They know I'm not a manupilative person or else I wouldn't care to get to know them before they spent money on me.

      I keep these the same ALWAYS. And again, these are hopes not requirements. Honestly I probably hope them more for the more attractive men to see if they have manners or are just a pretty face who uses that to get women. I personally don't find that attractive and I don't know one woman who would.

  • I agree with your points, but mostly for different reasons.

    Women should never ask a guy out if they're doing it because he is too afraid, which is usually the case, he's afraid or not interested. There can be rare occasions where there is a guy who is just busy or maybe is really focused on something else in his life, but in most cases if you simply approach a guy he will know you are interested in getting to know him.

    Women approach me all the time, and you shouldn't be afraid to approach guys either. Any icebreaker will do. You look familiar is a great one. I've worked at a hospital where there are LOTS of women, so it's an easy conversation starter. However, if you see a guy looking at you a lot, and you know he wants to talk to you but doesn't, then he is a wimp and you should avoid.

    2) Are there guys who don't go to the door to pickup a date?

    3) I agree a man should pay. If a woman offers to pay I take it as a sign of disinterest, though I understand a lot of women are taught to at least offer. If she simply offers once and drops it then I just assume she thinks she's supposed to, but if she insists then the date is over at that point. I've only ever had that once. The catch is that dinner on a first date is at the end of the evening, so she has to earn it by having fun and showing she's interested in me.

    4) This one I disagree with. You may want him to text but really you just want to know he's thinking about you, and if you had a great date then of course he is. Women love a love story and part of that is the tension of not know what will happen next. It drvies you crazy, but you would lose interest if you knew the end of your own love story before it even started. Men who are most successful long term with women are the men who let the woman experience her love story and don't spoil it for her by texting her unnecessarily.

    A man should never text a woman after a date. You were JUST with her 10 mintes ago. If you wanted her to know you liked her then you should have kissed her or made out, or whatever. It just makes you look weak and pathetic.

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    • Yeah I have had guys text me and say I'm here.. theyvwere inexperienced with dating but still I don't think that's a good excuse

      I disagree with you. I don't think it's weak at all when a guy texts me and says "I had a great time , I hope you sleep well๐Ÿ˜Š" something simple of course

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    • right instead of saying something sweet - you "smile at your phone" not allowing him the enjoyment of the reciprocity lol...

    • @feminismisnarcissism okay i see what you're saying there but once again this has nothing to do with having the upper hand. I admit i can be insecure when it comes to relationships because I've never been in a serious one so i like him to show me that he likes me. He doesn't HAVE to do these things but girls appear clingy a lot easier than guys. When girls do things like that they are clingy but girls are flattered when guys do it to them.

  • Got no problem with any of those.

    Except with me, I don't text unless it's a meaningless communication (i. e., "be there in 5 mins."), so you might get an actual mini-letter as an email or a call.

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  • Thats why you will be single 4ever girl, GG.

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    • Why do you say that?

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    • Well he isn't a shy guy then lol. Shy guys are cowards/weaks who can't say they like u, can't make the first move etc. He propably wasn't interested in u anymore so he left you, or he found someone else there. I have shy mates who have trouble with approaching women some got married and they are loyal to their wives, they care a lot about them and their family.

      Maybe these kind of guys u mentioned exist but you can't find someone who carries all of these "abilities" He might be handsome but an idiot? Or maybe He will care about you but He won't pick you up? Thats not possible to find a guy who carries all in one.

    • No he is shy lol never had a girlfriend before. He told me through text because I basically asked are you into me or not and he said he really liked me. He didn't meet anyone new cause I follow him on snap... he's always just hanging out with his buddies.

      These abilities aren't that difficult to find lol a lot of guys do these on a typical date... it's really not like I'm asking them to get o their hands and knees or anything

  • Personally, I would figure that the number 1, would mean more if it wasent based on apperance. If you are the only girl in the room or the universe for that matter cause of your personality, not something hollow as just standing out apperance wise. Like a hunchback would stand out too.

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    • It doesn't have to be just based on appearance.

    • won't be much else unless he stared at you creepy like for hours. People always wear masks, even more so in public. You show very little of what is actually the real you. Beside again, even if someone didn't find you attractive and you were in a relationship with them, it dosent mean they would cheat either, people have different morals.

  • You know my thoughts on this ๐Ÿ˜. I fear for the male gender if these are the new 'high' expectations. I mean i used to bring her a gift or write (yes with a pen no less!) her a card on the date too.

    Regarding number 2 tho... actually point 3 too haha, here's a gem from back in my day ๐Ÿ˜‚
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D5fPjXvwZeg

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    • Lmaoooooo ๐Ÿ˜‚ So funny

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    • I agree! Men are predominantly the more forward ones therefore if he isn't going after me, most likely he really doesn't like me that much.

    • awee that s cute :P
      and the video is funny XD

  • To me this is normal. This is something I was taught and you did it. There was no oh let her pay for the meal or don't even greet her at her front door. None of that. Really don't understand this generations of why they dont do this. I guess I'm abnormal on this site haha.

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  • Even if a guy that looks like this does those things, you'd still date him?
    i3.kym-cdn.com/.../9fc.jpg

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    • Exactly what women means is they want a tall goodlooking rich guy to do it for them.

    • hey, that guy should visit sluthate and lookism ASAP, he has potential. If he gets a hair transplant and grows a big beard, he is a slayer. He has god tier eye area and nose and lips

  • This is okay, these expectations are not high. I do these things because I want to show her that I'm interested in her, not because it's something that is expected of me. I wouldn't mind if she approaches me first. I wouldn't lose interest because I was approached first. If I wasn't interested in the first place, then I would decline the offer in the beginning.

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  • Reading that, I feel like you are a real lady and genuine heart. Very sweet and so agree. We males need to hear that, , not because it is a rule to follow, but because we need to know women's hearts.

    well done!

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  • Wanting and expecting are 2 different things. If you want them, fine. Expecting dudes to suck up to you? That's another thing. The perversion of these traditional values wasn't so much because dudes were that much nicer so much as women didn't have any jobs/slash income, cars and were more viewed as property of their parents (and then their future husbands)... The residue being general entitlement. While I'll generally do those things for girls I like, just don't expect me to do those things and make me (or any guy for that matter) do all the work and stand there like a log and thinking the mere fact you're accepting his gestures is enough to satisfy him. Just like the opposite, how much are you willing to commit to a dude (or anyone) if you're comtinuously putting in the work while they'll say thanks with minimal reciprocation... Sounds like a shitty deal, huh?

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  • okay lets be prefectly clear, these are all reasoable expectations, however the moment you tell me i "Expect" you're getting nothing, i will do all that as long as i am not told to do it by a girl the momeny she starts telling me what i should do iam not gonna do it as simple as that.

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    • Exactly. I completely agree with you.

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    • Mhmm and it's also safe to assume she'll expect a lot more when it comes to actually be in a relationship

    • pretty much yeah

  • Cool take. Most of these seemed pretty obvious to me, like of course a guy should be nice and a gentleman. But it's nice to know that a good night text would be appreciated and it's cool to read the female perspective on that.

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  • Good take. I have done these things all the time in past dates/relationships, because it shows i'm really into her. Over time, I have approached women I think are cute, and would like to get to know better, less and less because it ends up being that I am more interested in them than they are me. And this becomes a problem because I tend to get attached to people quickly and easily. And when it's over its hard to let go and move on. It's not cheesy at all.

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  • 1) "That is why I prefer the guy approach me, because it shows he noticed me out of everyone in the room. I know it sounds cheesy but every guy that I've tried to take the initiative with, hasn't worked out because i end up liking him more than he likes me."

    Problem is a guy could say the same thing in reverse... All you're really doing is shift the possibility of failure to the guy: you don't like it when only 1 in 10 of the guys you approach like you back as much as you like them, so you want to just let a guy fail 9 times before he meets you. It doesn't solve sh*t either way, it just makes things easier for you.

    2) Is this a "high expectation"? Then again I could see how some guys would fear it comes across as needy/too eager.

    3) and 4) won't be a problem IF you actually look like you're having a good time and show you're into the guy. If you put on a BRF or act aloof the guy will respond in kind or just disappear.

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    • It's not fear of rejection at all. I'm actually very confuidentcin what I have to offer. I recently dated a guy from Canada and he gave me a hard time for appproaching him and said girls are way more forward here than in Canada. Women always approach the men here so I don't want to fall into that trend. I have gone up to a guy but most of the time, when I let the guy come to me, I have better results.

    • "I have gone up to a guy but most of the time, when I let the guy come to me, I have better results."

      Yes, of course, it's the same for guys. This is a zero-sum game: someone has to do the approaching and the one doing the approaching has less success than the one getting approached. So like I said, you're not solving a problem, you're just shifting the risk elsewhere. If you can afford this (and you probably can) this is a sensible strategy, I'm just pointing out that your gain is the guys' loss, regardless of whether you fear repeated rejection or just find it a hassle.

  • You seem like a decent young girl and all and I can sort of see why you might have these desires.

    Here's why you might see none of this happening nowadays however: because 9 times out of 10 this sort of behaviour gets guys absolutely no where in the dating world, and in all reality, most guys have realized this.

    It's not that a lot of us don't want to be chivalrous and all, however being chivalrous gets us no where. Showing marginal interest, showing that we care but not too much, pushing sexually... these are unfortunately the behaviours that have gotten a lot of us much further in the dating world.

    Hope this helps

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  • "every guy that I've tried to take the initiative with, hasn't worked out because i end up liking him more than he likes me."

    Have you ever thought about the other side of the coin? That if he approaches you, he'll never know if he likes you more than you like him? (the same way as you've described in previous questions/takes)
    -----
    Getting you from the door: hmm, only cool if it's a formality. In the rush of real life "ain't nobody got time fo that", it's more, "hop in, let's go"
    -----
    The goodnight thing wears out very quickly, and becomes boring if done routinely. It really does.

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What Girls Said 15

  • You seem to be ladylike with a high level of self esteem. I'm sure you have dealt with some haters because of that. we live in a society where more and more people have grownup in broken homes and are excusing promiscuity. so women like you are going be seen as an enemy because you are disrupting the status quo. you're not easy

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  • I agree with all of this. I feel a little awkward if a guy pays, the last time a guy paid for me I stuffed money in the tip jar later. He won that round because he bought a large coffee when I told him not to. I later realized I should let him pay for the meal because it makes him feel appreciated. I think it's good you have these expectations it means you have self respect.

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    • so when he does something for you it makes him "feel appreciated" lol

      are you serious? can you actually hear how entitled and stuck up that sounds?

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    • I think we should not block those people who don't agree with us, he was very interested and participative in the debat. I feel sorry for him. Even if I don't agree a lot with him, because he seems to see feminazism everywhere, kind of obsession. Maybe he's gone through a bad experience and he is very sensitive now.

    • @marckbcn I really don't care. We've all had bad experiences. Including myself I don't men as a result. He harasses me daily so yes he is now blocked.

  • Worst 60 seconds of my life

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    • Dear Touchmehxx, I support you. I think you are not better or worst depending on your age or how many experiences have you had. I think you have very good feelings and a man can be very happy with a girl like you. I wish you luck in your love life, a good boy for a good girl!

  • Hey, I'm with you there! There's nothing wrong with having standards :) I love seeing a guy go out of his way for me, that's such a turn on and will guarantee that I'll put some extra effort in, too. A gentleman is so sexy.

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  • Very Nice take as usual ๐Ÿ‘๐Ÿผ

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  • Not high at all. It's how it should be.
    Sets him aside from others.
    Good MyTake, hope you meet him soon.

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  • I'm more of a "be there during my ups and downs, stay true to your word, never lie to me, and speak directly instead of playing games." in short, be a trustworthy Person I can rely on and adore and be someone who can be a great role model for out potential future kids (should we decide to have some)

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  • I've met plenty of men who fit this template, so they definitely exist. They are called gentlemen. And even though i am capable woman and i believe in women's rights wanting to date a gentleman is perfectly normal in my opinion. As someone who prefers more agressive (initiative wise, not angerwise), i will say if you try to make it work with someone passive you will likely be disappointed.

    As for the title... I don't know if it's smart to go into any setting with an expectation. Maybe thats not the best word? Knowing what you are looking for in a mate is a different thing in my opinion and i agree with you

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  • Just like you, I love a good gentleman.
    Well done on your take. ๐Ÿ‘

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  • look that s how I ve been brought up too
    in lebanon this is sort off the norm really and you re not a "man" if you don t do some of those stuff.
    of course each country has different expectations and culture

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  • Aww Lol cute. Tbh I feel the same when it comes to this.

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  • Gimme five โœ‹

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  • I don't understand all the butt-hurt triggered men here either...
    These weren't even that bad.

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    • Here come the feminazis.

    • @bobbyxx you're guna be single for awhile

  • There is nothing wrong with having some standards. However, you need to show him he is valuable to in small ways. I don't see anything wrong with any of these except paying for the first date. That's fine for you, but it never has and never will be an expectation of mine. My mother raised me to believe that you should pay for your own meals unless you're in a relationship, and it's a special occasion that he is treating you to. However, you should also treat him to special occasions too.

    And that's the thing with most of these. I see nothing wrong with your expectations, only if you're willing to treat him the same with other gestures. You shouldn't be entitled to certain treatment just for being a woman. It's the small things you do to show each other that you respect and value each other.

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  • I liked this. However, you know how the guys are on here. They'all get triggered no matter what you say. :) It's inevitable.

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    • Hahah agreed ๐Ÿ˜ฌ

      Ready to take the heat ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿผ

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    • lol these guys are so funny. They're allowed to desire thin women with huge boobs and a nice butt but as soon as we want a guy who is financially stable and treats us right we are considered sexist. Get out of here lmaoooo

    • You know good and well that if the roles were reversed that women would also be getting butthurt. Many feminists have said a man fulfilling those roles is a misogynist so thats why a lot of men are conflicted as to what to do because either way, women don't approve.

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