How Moving In Together Ruined My Relationship

[Anonymous]

I had known my current boyfriend for about 1 year before we decided to move in together. At first I was super excited and looking forward to it, but a few months in- I recognized what a big mistake I had made. So here is my experience and hopefully something can be learned from it.

1. Finances

My boyfriend worked from home as he ran his own business. Some months would be really tough as there was no work... so he couldn't pay his half of rent and groceries. I would have to take on the financial strain of 2 people. This really caused us to fight. He couldn't even pay to take me out on dates once in a while, and eventually I have had enough.

2. No alone time

We were living in a 1 bedroom condo, and we were constantly in each other's faces. When we had a fight we couldn't even go to separate rooms to calm down, as we were right there. At other times I wanted alone time and he wanted for us to watch tv, and we didn't see eye to eye.

3. Messy house

He was super messy. I would clean up his dirty laundry off the floor, dirty plates and potato chip bags everywhere. I hated it and i became to resent him. Even showering daily seemed to be an issue for him.

4. We don't miss each other

24/7 together, really made us grow so used to each other that there was no spark, and no sense of missing one another because we knew no matter what the other person would be in the home.

5. You've become lazy

Because I cleaned, took care of finances and took on a motherly role he became super lazy and barely tried. We literally had to end the relationship and go out separate ways.

[vonasaurus]

sounds like this take should be renamed: "how moving in with the wrong guy ended my relationship".

this is exactly why i recommend moving in with someone before you even think about marrying him (or her). if you never share space, how do you know that your lifestyles etc. are compatible.

[admles]

My parents never lived together before they got married, and they've recently had their 40th anniversary...

[Leandri]

Yes I agree

[skeptic002]

all I hear is lack of knowledge here

[madhatters4]

i don't really see this as moving in ruining the relationship but rather the two you simply not being good at co-habitating. i mean i guess moving exasperated the matter but what's the alternative never live together?

living together can certainly reveal problems within a relationship but that's more about the people than the fact that they live together. so perhaps moving in actually served as a benefit to your relationship because you two figured out flaws that would have invariably led to the relationship ending

your experience is actually a reason i think living together before marriage can be beneficial. it can help reveal co-habitation issues and perhaps the people can work through them or perhaps they serve to lead to a break up

[Streamhopper]

Too much, too soon. It wasn't planned out well. If you'd waited a bit, let things stabilize before you took that plunge, it may have ended differently. But on the bright side, you found out before things got too serious (for either of you) that you weren't compatible. There's always solutions to every problem. When you fought, one of you (either) could have left for a bit and gone to the store, the mall, a friend's house, wherever. It's sad that he became lazy, but you partially enabled that by picking up the work he wasn't doing instead of asking him to do it. A lot of guys are messy by definition, but we'll clean up if we're asked to or made aware of it. Sometimes we honestly don't realize it.

[dragonfly6516]

"He couldn't even pay to take me out on dates once in a while, and eventually I have had enough."

That sentence right there invalidates this whole post, as it makes it sound like the real reason you were un happy is because he wasn't the one paying for everything and taking care of you.

You weren't right for each other, end of story. Moving in together didn't end you, it just hastened the inevitable.

My boyfriend and I already knew before we moved in together that we would need to keep two separate rooms, because we have completely opposite sleep habits. I'm awake at night, but need a dark cold quiet room to sleep in during the day. He's waking up when I'm going to sleep, and he needs a warm room with a TV on, and he snores.

[AleDeEurope]

Why do you call this a mistake? It was the right thing to do and it help both of you realize you weren't right for each other.
Are you never gonna move in with any of your future partners? You're not gonna get married? Kids? You won't have this problems with the right guy.

[Anonymous]

I actually just answered a question talking about this. Moving in together has been scientifically proven to cause higher risk of divorce rates if not waited to do until after marriage. The reasons being that you don't have that separation to allow you to want each other (and to learn about yourself and if this is the right person for you) and because it is easier to walk out on them then so it gets you into that mindset that you can walk out whenever (which means thinking it's easy to leave after marriage too which makes marriage nothing but a piece of paper). You are both still discovering if this is the person you want to be with while dating and even engagement so it's better to spend that time separated and then realize "hey! I want to be with this person forever!" Then get married and move on together. It just isn't a good idea until you are sure this is the one for you after you've made your vows.

[Anonymous]

1. Finances... So during the year you both dated, where did he get money from if his business wasn't making money to take you out and rent and stuff?
2. No alone time... No shit what did you thing was going to happen when you moved in TOGETHER?
3. Messy house... so at no time in the year you both dated you went over to his place and saw how he kept it? I'm sure it wasn't clean.
4. We don't miss eachother..."24/7 together" so didn't you work? How could you be together 24/7 if you were working to pay the bills which he couldn't cover.
5. You've become lazy... No you made him lazy by doing all the work.

There is more to this story but I wish you a Happy life.

[Leandri]

I won't say moving in was the problem actually, it was just that you two were not really good together. My fiance and I moved in together, we have split the finance business, so he pays for stuff and I pay for the other stuff. We have alone time, he is busy in the garden or with something else he like while I will just chill and read a book. Both of us don't like a messy home, so either he cleans or I. Of course we miss each other, both of us work. Neither becomes lazy, we each have our tasks

[qwert1234]

Well, at least you're not yet married. :) Think of this as a trial before tying the knot together.

Now you know a bit of him 24/7 - you can now make an educated decision - do you want him in your life? Can you talk to him to change him? Is he putting up effort on his downsides? Can you accept him as he is now?

[Browneye57]

And there ya go. But call it what it is... SHACKING UP.

You might like this blog post, although it's directed at men it can apply to the ladies too: therationalmale.com/2011/10/06/shacking-up/

I've done it. But when it came to buying a house she wanted us to be married. This after the divorce to the previous wifey cost almost half a mil.

[UnknownXYZ]

www.court-records.net/.../bratworth-shrug(e).gif

Looks like someone swallowed the red pill.

[Browneye57]

@UnknownXYZ It's a tough one to cough down for sure. No more disney-dreamland. :(

[Nyx_85]

Oh gosh what a terribly sexist article full of sociopathic red pill nonsense. Yeah commitment makes women lazy so better screw other women (or at least make her believe you are) because competition makes her horny (I for one, being an INFJ, can't enjoy sex unless there is a connection. If I ever sense he's seeing other people that connection is gone and so is my desire for him)... And that only good reason for committing to one woman is regular sex. Because you know that's all we're good for... Way to talk about people like they are subhuman. I agree with taking your time and making sure you really know each other well enough before making such a big commitment like moving in together but I sure hope most people don't take this seriously!

[Browneye57]

@Nyx_85 Hmmm... exactly how can 'red pill' be nonsense? It's about accepting the truth, not some societal disney-esk bullshit everybody keeps repeating over and over. Stop.

For you, just go ahead and keep shacking up, trying over and over to make it work. When it doesn't then MAYBE you'll be ready for the truth. In the meantime, continue on in your little dream world.

[Nyx_85]

Lol I said that article was nonsense. Because it is. At least to me and how I am. Also how a lot of people I know am. Red pill is not the be-all-end-all. Some of it makes sense but a lot of it is pseudo philosophy. I just don't think the way they encourage men to have relationships (by pretty much being sociopaths and treating women as subhuman) is healthy. And I have no intentions on 'shacking up' with anyone so... Don't make assumptions.

[Nyx_85]

Have no intentions on ever marrying either... As far as 'society' affecting how I am that's a laugh and a half... I've actually found myself to be quite abnormal from what I've seen and heard.

But I know how to treat a partner.

[Browneye57]

@Nyx_85 Ah, another special snowflake. Cool. ;)

[Nyx_85]

I'm not special. I'm just odd.

[Nyx_85]

Reeaaally odd.

But it's ok because they said it was fine for me to integrate back into society so...

[Nyx_85]

But all joking aside... My brain IS wired differently. I've been tested. I'm an INFJ with on the spectrum. So does that make my type rare? Statistically yes. Rarest personality type coupled with having something that is uncommon for females. I've always known who I was even from a young age. Even if I've struggled getting through life has forced me to. I've always had strong principles. I don't think it makes 'special'. It's just me.

[Nyx_85]

*no with

[Nyx_85]

*Even if I've struggled, getting through life has forced me to.

Sorry that makes more sense.

[Browneye57]

@Nyx_85 I get it - it took me forty years to realize why id didn't quite fit in - INTJ.
However, the vast majority of man-woman interactions can be quantified by biology and internal drives. Most of it is just so predictable. And shacking up demonstrates this so clearly.

[Nyx_85]

Aaah. An ex of mine was an INTJ. As he told me you're never wrong. Lol.

I don't disagree with that. I just don't think some of the things I've seen encouraged in that group is very nice. I wouldn't do that to someone I was dating.

[Chico_brah]

Moving in together had nothing to do with it. You two simply aren't compatible.

[JapanFreak2323]

isn't it possible they just weren't ready?

[1truekhaleesi]

Moving in together had nothing to do with it. You guys just weren't right for each other.

[victoriameliegray]

at least you found out what it was like to be living with him. If you hadn't moved in together, you would've found out sooner or later. Perhaps when you got married. Then, you wouldn't have the option to "break up".

[likitb4istickit]

This is why no one gets in my man cave. Not to mention it's harder to have a Backpage girl over (guys all like a bit of variety, anyone that we don't is a liar in a fake attempt to put you at ease) if she's literally 20 feet from you 24/7.

[raspberry0416]

Don't marry a man who can't carry his own weight financially. It doesn't work.

[NyomiMcClinton]

Very great advice. Love this!

[Nyx_85]

I think you romanticized the idea of living together. But once it happened you started to realize it's not all fun and games.

[TacosRAwesome]

Moving in with someone just speeds up you discovering that they're not what you are looking for.

[NatashaJ]

That's what you get for trying to be someone wife when you never got the marriage certificate!.

[brain5000]

Do you think some of these issues would apply to any guy? Some guys wouldn't be messy and could pay their bills, but...

[Anonymous]

money is 2nd most common cause for divorce

www.dailyinfographic.com/.../divorce2-640x2670.jpg

[Unit1]

Correction: I found out my boyfriend wasn't for me.

There. Now it's better and an accurate title.

[dragonfly6516]

100% agree.