Why I Don't Need to "Fix" Myself Before Dating

Why I don't need to


But being single sucks sometimes. And it's come to my understanding, that if you aren't "complete", then you aren't worthy of a relationship.


If you complain about being single, you’ll get some advice — usually it’s to do with being patient, or maybe you haven’t found the right person yet, and most importantly to not force anything. All extremely valid. You’ll also get advice about accepting yourself before finding a partner. Fix yourself now, so then you’ll be un-broken, and then you’ll be ready to date again. Saying that you aren't satisfied with being single, has become has become synonymous with saying you’re not ready to be in a relationship.


This is what I've been believing. I struggle with depression, I have for years. When I got out of my last relationship, one of my immediate thoughts was the depression has to “go” if I ever want to find a partner, and make things really work out. So I “did” and took the time I needed to myself.


I realized something important during this time — is that I will never be happy with someone unless I am 120% being myself. I describe myself as mildly inappropriate, somewhat lady like, and very sarcastic. I remember realizing this, and considering myself esteem I was flying high.


But I still get really upset when I think about my ex, and when I think about why we broke up. Classic story of a jerk cheating on the girl he “always cared about”. I think that might stick with me for quite a while. Being cheated on hurts, it bloody hurts! I also get depressed an anxious when I think about my dad, when I think about money, all sorts of issues can trigger it -- but I think I have it under control for the most part. I probably have a laundry list of red flags — "Daddy issues", depression, anxiety, introverted, I don’t have a lot of friends — I guess depending on what counts as a red flag for you, this list could go on and on.

But does this mean I'm not worthy of a relationship?


Every time I get in these really low moments, thinking about whatever, I think about how it really would be nice to have someone to talk to about this during these times, — but for me I’m apparently too damaged to find love.


I don’t think I will never have serenity.


People in relationships are no more mentally stable than I am. You can develop depression, or go through hard times and become “broken”, all while being in a relationship.


When I take a step back and think about it, I’m not sitting at home crying about this every day — no I’m out working, I’m exercising, I’m travelling, I’m living my life. I’m doing what “healthy single people” are doing. I accept who I am. I accept what I have been through, and how my life has shaped me.


There’s nothing wrong wanting companionship, and being a bit “broken” does not mean you aren’t worthy or fit to be in a relationship.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • No, you're actually in a much better place now. All of things have given you wisdom and character, things that have value to another, a potential mate.

    Unfortunately too many people go looking for a mate with the ideas of what that person can bring to them. in my opinion this is a mistake. You really need to go into a relationship wanting to give, more than you're going to get. Love is about giving, not getting.

    So the expectations are never met, they don't fit the situation or the person, so it's just never enough.

    And too many are so shallow they have nothing of value to offer in a relationship. What exactly do YOU bring that is of high value? Most women cannot answer this. Most actually think it's their golden vagina. And that's just not it. When you can figure this out, when you actually do have high value, you'll know what it is and it will be truly appreciated and respected by that mate. People should be partners in life, individuals, not expecting someone to complete you. Find a strong guy that you can respect and follow him. Be his partner. Give him what he needs. He'll move heaven and earth for you.

    Choose wisely, treat kindly.

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    • I agree. Facing tough times does build character. I don't think I'd have this mind set if I hadn't faced those times -- I mean it would have been great if I didn't have to in the first place.

Most Helpful Girl

  • "We cannot, after all, judge a biography by its length, by the number of pages in it; we must judge by the richness of the contents... Sometimes the 'unfinisheds' are among the most beautiful symphonies."

    What we forget, is everyone is constantly growing and dealing with "stuff." We have a bad habit as a whole, of thinking we can't move forward at all until something is completely "done." What is done? Are you supposed to somehow become again exactly what you were before? That's not going to happen.

    People break, and in that breaking, they grow. Think about all growth: a seed must be destroyed from the inside out to grow, a star must be completely annihilated before it can become, the age old caterpillar to butterfly story-- growth is destruction first. That's the ironic beauty if it. It doesn't have to be your undoing, it can be your evolution.

    We have an understandable, but incorrect belief that change is gentle. That we can keep the old, and the new, and that we don't have to grieve, to let go of things forever, that there is no pain but subtle and short and if it hurts more or too long then something's wrong. We often get more stuck when we try to fight the process, and refuse to experience the true depth of loss and pain that accompanies growth.

    I believe people are responsible for their growth, for not inflicting harm on others while they endure personal destruction and growth, but I agree with you that your journey with all it's particular trials and difficulties and mountains to climb does not make you any less worthy of love.

    Accepting your difficulties as your own to live out, can be so hard because we all want to be heard, to have someone understand how unfair it all feels, to have some understanding of how hard we are trying. It's okay to want companionship, especially through struggle.

    If we were to be less worthy of love, not deserving of companionship during struggle and growth, then I think we'd all have to stay isolated. Everyone is undergoing growth, some in greater degrees at any moment, but all will go through major struggle at some point.

    I agree that it is the accepting of it, the moving forward into whatever is next, the learning the grace to experience the destruction as powerful and painful and positive that matters most. No one else can give you that acceptance, but no one need be alone in finding it for themselves.

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What Guys Said 11

  • Being single for a long time is a lesson on how fake the majority of society is. The bs they sell and convince themselves of is ridiculous. Unreal expectations is what kills most relationships.

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  • It shouldn't be called fixing, but taking all the good and bad as feedback, keeping what you need, how you would do better next time, and then leaving your baggage behind so you can give all the love you have without looking back

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  • Thankyou! I can relate to this. I hate it when I hear that stupid saying 'You have to love yourself to be able to love someone else or be loved' however it goes. I've had depression for years and it centred around the fact that I'm in my late 20's and couldn't date until a couple of years ago as I had social anxiety. So my self worth was really low from a lack of being desired. Now though I've been seeing a girl for a few months and my depression has been non existent in that time. Dating has literally made my depression go. I feel great, and my girl sees the good in me that makes me feel even better in myself. I've still worked heaps on my beliefs to get to where I am but anyone that thinks you can't be in a relationship when depressed and is being unfair on the other person can go get stuffed!

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  • You should be who you are, and let NO ONE dictate to you the kind of person you need to be.

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  • Wanting to fix oneself is like trying to sculpt a piece of water.

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  • It's a apparent you just need to talk to someone; you don't necessarily need a boyfriend, you just need a life coach. The odds are against broken people. You're asking for a man to be patient and invest a lot time in you. The reason why it's going to take a long time for you to be intimate is because of the betrayal from your ex. Generally, men want sex, and they want sex fairly quickly. That is the reason for men dating. Your challenge in life is to learn to believe in yourself to overcome your obstacles.

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  • Dating for a man requires money and a car. I don't have those right now which is exactly why I need to fix myself before dating.

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  • The only thing you're missing is sex.

    There are many people that consider a "relationship" to be a completely imaginary concept.

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  • Bla Bla Bla

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  • if you're single, you're most likely doing something wrong..

    you should be happy with yourself, that's what men are attracted to

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    • I am happy with myself -- despite what I've gone through in my life. My point wasn't to find out what I'm doing wrong but to make the point that what I've expericed has shaped me

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    • Your moms doing something wrong...

    • no, that'd be your dad

  • Thanks for posting the amazing post but i think you also missed that having a SO can also help "fix you"

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What Girls Said 5

  • This is a really nice MyTake. It actually helped me a lot. I was worrying myself about people "good" enough to be in a relationship, but I don't need to be anything other than myself. I may not be perfect and I do have my ups and downs, but if you're going to date me, you're dating me. Not someone I have to pretend to be.

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  • then there is rediscovery . the interests and activity . new directions . new goals .
    relocation . new friends and relations . different personal standards .
    not a just 'fix or self acceptance' . renewal is an evolution beyond the 'damage' .

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  • EXACTLY

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  • Wow this is great. I love your spirit

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  • be yourself

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