But being single sucks sometimes. And it's come to my understanding, that if you aren't "complete", then you aren't worthy of a relationship.
If you complain about being single, you’ll get some advice — usually it’s to do with being patient, or maybe you haven’t found the right person yet, and most importantly to not force anything. All extremely valid. You’ll also get advice about accepting yourself before finding a partner. Fix yourself now, so then you’ll be un-broken, and then you’ll be ready to date again. Saying that you aren't satisfied with being single, has become has become synonymous with saying you’re not ready to be in a relationship.
This is what I've been believing. I struggle with depression, I have for years. When I got out of my last relationship, one of my immediate thoughts was the depression has to “go” if I ever want to find a partner, and make things really work out. So I “did” and took the time I needed to myself.
I realized something important during this time — is that I will never be happy with someone unless I am 120% being myself. I describe myself as mildly inappropriate, somewhat lady like, and very sarcastic. I remember realizing this, and considering myself esteem I was flying high.
But I still get really upset when I think about my ex, and when I think about why we broke up. Classic story of a jerk cheating on the girl he “always cared about”. I think that might stick with me for quite a while. Being cheated on hurts, it bloody hurts! I also get depressed an anxious when I think about my dad, when I think about money, all sorts of issues can trigger it -- but I think I have it under control for the most part. I probably have a laundry list of red flags — "Daddy issues", depression, anxiety, introverted, I don’t have a lot of friends — I guess depending on what counts as a red flag for you, this list could go on and on.
But does this mean I'm not worthy of a relationship?
Every time I get in these really low moments, thinking about whatever, I think about how it really would be nice to have someone to talk to about this during these times, — but for me I’m apparently too damaged to find love.
I don’t think I will never have serenity.
People in relationships are no more mentally stable than I am. You can develop depression, or go through hard times and become “broken”, all while being in a relationship.
When I take a step back and think about it, I’m not sitting at home crying about this every day — no I’m out working, I’m exercising, I’m travelling, I’m living my life. I’m doing what “healthy single people” are doing. I accept who I am. I accept what I have been through, and how my life has shaped me.
There’s nothing wrong wanting companionship, and being a bit “broken” does not mean you aren’t worthy or fit to be in a relationship.