Power is an aphrodisiac for most women, the symbols of which are objects such as sports cars, expensive clothes and smart watches. These can all be hard to come by when you are a young chap so if you don't have access to them you must give girls the impression that you do. Let us suppose that you have arranged to spend a day in town with a lady. Here are a few ideas.
* First, you must dress the part. Make regular trips to a nearby posh town such as Tunbridge Wells, where many fine second-hand items, including almost new linen suits and silk ties, can be picked up from charity shops for a song.
* Two months before your date, write to Buckingham Palace, requesting an audience with the monarch. After a while, a handsome envelope containing a PTD (polite turndown) will arrive bearing the Royal crest. Do not open it.
* The night before your meeting, knock on the door of a house with a garden of beautiful flowers. Tell the little old lady that your mother is dying but that a few of her blooms would cheer her final hours. She will clip you a handsome bunch. Wrap them in fancy paper (cost, about £1)
* On the day of your meeting, post the Royal envelope through your door as you leave, then call into a shop selling expensive gentlemen's toiletries. Try some classy aftershave and then swish out, saying it's annoying your hay fever.
* The car problem is tricky. Taxis cost a fortune and you can hardly cram your girl into a bashed up 2CV behind the Co-op, so insist on taking the air. A short stroll to an elegant (free) art gallery such as the Wallace Collection is the thing. Bone up beforehand, and you can come out with things like: 'Of course, after The Laughing Cavalier, Frans Hals finished up a poverty stricken old man in an almshouse.' It will lend you the air of a connoisseur without costing you a penny.
* If you don't have a flashy watch, don't wear one at all. Should the subject come up, just comment: 'I never wear a watch. As Goethe said, "The present moment is a powerful goddess".' Your erudition will score you points that even a Rolex can't.
* As lunchtime rolls around, say 'It's such a lovely day, why don't we picnic by the river?' The idea will strike your girl as utterly charming. (It will strike you as fantastically cheap compared to a restaurant). As you settle yourself under a willow tree, whip out your piece de resistance: a bottle of French Champagne. This will be one of the two bottles given to you by your auntie when she got back from a Calais supermarket-run - you don't mention this. If you leave it in the freezer until it's about to solidify, it will still be cold at lunchtime. After a glass of Champagne, produce the picnic. This will consist of some home-made pickled eggs, a good lettuce, fresh rocket, and so forth. For pudding you'll find doughnuts cheap and filling; lollipops look great, last ages, and are a snip at 20p each.
* If you manage it properly, 80% of the Champagne should end up inside your lady-friend, so she will probably just want to doze beneath the trees after lunch. That's fine, it's free.
* For the evening's entertainment avoid the cripplingly expensive opera and instead get hold of some free tickets to a funny TV show. After the performance, invite her back to your place for 'supper'.
* Open your door and pick up the royal envelope. As you read the letter, casually remark: 'The Palace want me to give their secret service people some more commando training.' Pasta rapida, (see Google for recipe) is cheap, delicious, looks and smells fantastic, and is impossible to muck up (just don't overcook it). Another bottle of the industrial Champagne will smooth things along nicely.
~ Some 22,000 cheques are deducted from the wrong bank accounts every hour. ~