Why Dating is Horrible and I Don't Know What to Try Anymore

[Anonymous]

Meeting someone in person: If you are in school whether it be high school or college, you will meet girls either in classes or other activities. Whether it be sports, an honor society, something like that, there are plenty of opportunities. I prefer meeting girls this way because you get to know them without there being a pre-established status quo (in online dating, you and the person you match with already find each other attractive, are there to date, etc). I think in an ideal scenario you would want to be friends first with the girl and then let things develop naturally. Unfortunately this is hard to accomplish (since girls will put you in the friendzone so to speak), but if you are capable of doing it then good on you mate. I've had plenty of girls I've gotten to know that I kinda fell for after a while, and they didn't feel the same way unfortunately. But hey, that happens and I get that. It just sucks when it happens you know ALL THE TIME. There are some bad stories as well, but I'll just put one down to save you the trouble:

I met a girl in one of my classes, and we were project partners for a lab. We worked on the project together at each other's apartments, and even watched football together while we were working on a Google doc. She seemed great. We talked about watching a game together and I told her I'd get us snacks. She never showed up, never texted me. This was the week after we had finished our project. Saw her in class the next day and she totally ignored me. Out of nowhere, and for no reason whatsoever....those of you who ghost need to leave this planet (depends on the circumstances of course, but sometimes it's just egregious).

Online dating: THE WORST. On bumble you have unlimited swipes, but typically the attractive girls will never match with you and if they do they won't message you first. I've actually gone on a few dates on Tinder that have gone fantastic, and then after messaging back and forth with the girl for about a week leading up to the second date, she ghosts me out of nowhere. Everything was going swimmingly, just vanished into thin air never to be seen again. I had actually gone on two dates with one girl, and before the third date she ghosted me (we had been talking for almost a month, I'm still confused to this day, and still kind of upset since it's only been a couple of weeks since that happened). OkCupid is interesting, but again you can go on there and message 43253253552 girls that you want to date, and will be lucky to get any good conversations going. Doesn't matter if you look at her profile and come up with something thoughtful.

All in all, just all of the rejection and thinking that goes on is not worth whatever "love" or "sex" is. I've made it 22.5 years without sex or love of any kind, and have survived. I've been upset and disappointed at times, especially when I've gone on dates that have gone well that have gotten me really excited, and then I get ghosted. Not even rejected, but ghosted. I feel like I've explored every avenue. I'm about to graduate with a Master's and go onto the working world, still a virgin despite being in college for 4 years and supposedly having the easiest years to get laid behind me...I don't know. I never really cared about losing my virginity but the inability to be loved definitely hurts. Maybe I'm just ugly. I figured I'd finally just let myself vent about this somewhere. I don't know what to try anymore. I think I might be hopeless in this part of life and I just need to come to terms with it, as impossible as it seems. All of this ridiculous crap that has happened to me when I've really tried to date is giving me a sign that I'm just not good enough for it. I don't know why, but I'm just meant to be alone I guess.

[WalterRadio]

So, let's say you are dating girls in the 19 to 23 years old range.

I have no problem getting girlfriends in that age group. You may want to think about why they would rather date someone older than their mothers than someone their own age.

"I think in an ideal scenario you would want to be friends first with the girl and then let things develop naturally"
WRONG! It doesn't work that way. From the time you first become aware of her, you are trying to answer two questions as quickly as you possibly can: Do you want to sleep with her, and if so, does she want to sleep with you? Sexual attraction (chemistry) is either there or it isn't. It can evaporate, but it does not develop. And if the answers to the questions is yes, then you proceed before it does evaporate. After that, if a deep friendship and love develop, you can do something like get married.

"Online dating: THE WORST"
WRONG! It is fabulous because everyone there is searching for someone to have sex with and you can filter through thousands of candidates in a few minutes. BUT you have to use the right site. Tinder is for hookups, I think Bumble is the same. Unless you are a dumb jock looking for sluts, those are not the right sites. The keys to success is to find the right site (the ones I use have more women than men) and know that a good site will require you to pay to make contact (girls usually don't, just the guys).

"that have gone fantastic"
WRONG! You didn't have sex. The girls on Tinder are looking for sex. From your view, it may have been fantastic just to get within 5 feet of a female. From their view, the date was a failure. They disappeared as soon as they found a guy who would have sex with them.

"I feel like I've explored every avenue."
WRONG! Women will quickly sense your lack of confidence and flee. In spite of what you may see on the news, women want men to lead them (to bed). If you aren't doing that, someone else will.

Perhaps you should hire a prostitute that specializes in GFE. You make it like a real date, tell her you need to be told what to do.

[Dark_Sunflower]

To be honest I've been having the same thoughts. Life was much simpler when I wasn't interested in dating.

I spent three weeks talking to a guy; for him to then call it quits, because he thought I had been 'off' with him on the same day. I was annoyed because I felt like I had invested a lot of emotional energy trying to connect with this one person.

I believe everything happens for a reason. The right girl will come along, who will appreciate you. Don't give up hope just yet,

[Kithor]

First of all I have to respectfully disagree with everything WalterRadio just said, but I'm not going to reply to him because I don't want to get into that argument again. There are three guys I know who have the "every-flipping-thing is about sex" attitude, and they are currently on girlfriend/hookup number 17, 50-something, and 150-something respectively. I recently broke up a fight between mister 50-something and a weed delivery guy because he's turned into an angry, lonely alcoholic.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I'm in the same boat as you: hookup opportunities galore but zero luck finding anyone who's interested in a relationship. I've asked a few girls out this year and they've all ghosted me, though "ghosted" might not be the right word since they usually string me along for a week or three. It's not necessarily in a mean way - they've lost interest and don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me - but wow is it frustrating to patiently wait four days for a reply to each text with her telling me "oh OF COURSE we'll hang out!" while dodging my every attempt to pin a date and time.

People of both sexes I've asked all seem to converge on the whole "girls are stupid/unpredictable/only want assholes/don't know a good thing when they see it" narrative. I personally really don't want to believe that; I like women and I want to believe in them - if I didn't I wouldn't be trying to date them. But so far the women I've been meeting have thwarted my every effort to prove these people wrong.

So yeah all I can say is keep your hopes up, keep trying, keep working on yourself and realize that it's the culture that's the problem, not you. Oh and stop using Tinder and any other swipe app, those are just asking for trouble.

[myTake Owner]

Couldn't agree more. I tried OkCupid since it's different, but again like I said you can send a million messages to a million different girls and you're lucky to get a handful of responses. I think I'm a decent enough looking guy, I don't know what the hell it takes to get a girl nowadays. I want to meet a girl who likes the same things I do and is genuine, but I don't know if that's reasonable this day in age. If only we were living in the 1980s where women in general weren't like this. Today's era of women are terrible

[Kithor]

I think it goes both ways. If I hypothetically met a single girl who asked me if I knew anyone, I actually couldn't recommend any guy I know.

And yeah I like OKCupid the most so far; I think that it's approach is the best way to get quality matches online. I also leave a profile up on POF just in case, but you know how the people on there are. But I'm convinced that the good girls are the ones who are too shy to wade into that mess.

Overall though, I was just reading in that book Generation Me, someone's grandma said "If you give the milk away for free then nobody will buy the cow!" I think what we're seeing today is what happens when everyone starts giving it away.

[myTake Owner]

I think the most interesting thing to me is that the vast majority of women are only interested in casual sex, and nobody really wants a relationship. I met a girl on Tinder who seemed different than anyone else I had encountered on that site and in person. We had our dates, she seemed cool, then out of nowhere poof. Never to be heard from again. For now I think I'm just going to focus on career, enjoying my family and friends and hopefully something will just happen. I'm tired of trying hard and getting nothing out of it

[Kithor]

Yeah that's pretty much my approach now: focus on the things I actually have control over, and especially my friends. If an opportunity comes along with a girl then I'll snag it, and I'll make sure to hold up my end of it, but I'm also going to take it slow and cautious.

[myTake Owner]

I feel like I'm the worst at moving on sometimes though. Like I have no idea why this past girls stopped talking to me. It just happened. Sure we texted all the time every day when we were both available, but she was receptive to it and it felt like we were making a nice connection. I haven't talked to her since then and it's been a few weeks. But sometimes I still consider reaching out to her. I hate not having any clarity, and I wish I could just know what I did wrong

[Kithor]

I've had that happen a few times in a row now, and yeah I don't get it. I'd guess it's mostly like the same reason for you that (I can only guess) it is for me: they've lost interest but are afraid to tell you directly because of some combination of fear of hurting your feelings, fear that you'll get angry, and just general immaturity.

And yeah, my most recent date was a girl from OKC last month. We talked a bunch online then met at a Starbucks and talked for five hours, set up a second date, texted each other a bit, then eventually we hit that point that always happens where she suddenly and inexplicably loses interest, barely replies to me, is suddenly "busy" all the time, etc. So I say ok well let me know when you have time and feel free to call me whenever... and I never hear from her again. Same thing every time. She most likely found someone else, and I'm hoping I don't hear from her again because I don't want to be someone's fallback. That's how it is online; lotta competition.

[myTake Owner]

Yeah and that's why I'm done with it haha. Doesn't seem to ever end any differently. In the end it ends up being a giant waste of time, money, and my confidence takes a little hit

[Kithor]

Well, I'll just say that you should at least just leave a profile up on OKC or something. If and when that right girl, who has been too shy to use dating sites up until now, finally gets desperate enough to look at them, she'll need to be able to find you. That's my theory, anyway.

[NightOwl_23]

I agree, I have given up, online dating didn't work for me because every girl on those apps were not attracted to me and girls irl dont want me because of peer pressure, no girls want an awkward misfit and, I think that they think, Im ugly.

[MrNameless]

You're not ugly. Don't put yourself down and tell yourself you're undateable, or you'll make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Just work on yourself and your confidence, and it will come

[LegateLanius]

I am thinking the same thing but can't bring myself to close the door on it completely. I have had sex but no one was ever interested in being with me for anything but.